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| My thoughts
Posted: 8/30/2008 10:03:54 PM | I read through as much of this as possible. I saw one post that really was clear and truthful without a lot of ping-pong drama.
This is about choices here. You have *your* choices and she has *hers*. And either you two accept all the choices made, or you go your separate ways. And of course your daughter needs to keep seeing her too, so it won't be as separate as you might like.
You cannot expect her to give away a child that she A: just gave birth to, and B: was suddenly told that her very responsible choice of adopting out - is no longer a viable choice for her. If you play the "this is what I want, what are you going to do?" game - you will undoubtedly end up in a relationship filled with resentment on her side (if she does relinquish the child to the father but doesn't really want to do that) OR be caught up in a game of "I gave him the kid but I still want to see her/him" and thats a whole new issue on the table.
The choices I see are this: (A) Stay with her and recognize that means you may either have the other child living with you, or become a step-parent to this child on a regular basis, or (B) separate permanently and deliberately and work out whatever co-parenting set up is needed with your existing daughter.
Anything else is a set up for failure on many sides. | |
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| My thoughts
Posted: 8/31/2008 3:42:58 PM | If I were your G/F .... Id dump you and raise the two kids alone.
Fact is, if you want to stay with her and your existing child, you should be prepared to help raise the child with the help of the paternal father and his wife. You refer to this poor child as "it". Hmmmm. Grow up and find some compassion for this tiny human being who has had no choice in any of this. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 8/31/2008 9:47:35 PM | I know alot of guys here in my city that dont let that bother them(Raising someone elses baby) But in your case you have one child together thats their half brother or half sister. You need to take into consideration your girlfriends feelings, and what going on with her. Support her, and if shes not feeling right about the biological father then there must be a reason. If she didnt want to raise another kid and not have him take the child then she shouldnt of have sex without a damn condom. The only people I feel sorry for are your daughter, the mother and the adoptive parents
Maybe she should have gone to a lawyer as things were already planned(maybe still go). And if the guy didnt have any say or had agreed to it before he should have taken in consideration the process of adoption. Those parents maybe never feel secure in adopting for awhile making it much more difficult. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/1/2008 7:56:44 AM |
...the orinigal plan was to give the child up for adoption but the child's father decided against it at the last minute throwing a monkey wrench into everything we had planned out...The father of the child wants to take his kid a raise it with his wife...
The father blocked the adoption and wants to raise his own child, so what is the problem? | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/1/2008 8:03:58 AM | Theres nothing worse than getting into a debate about your whole life story which really dont concern anyone else. Iv been there myself and it certainly aint answering your question you asked from the start.
If i was you hun i would seriously sit down and talk about this situation. If you Love your girlfriend dearly then you probs have to come to a decision that suits you both, but obviously its going to be hard to raise another persons child, i wouldn't expect anyone to raise mine. It is a hard situation but maybe your girlfriend could let the babys dad bring her/him up and let the wife be a legal guardian, that way shes still part of her baby's life and shes hasnt gave her child up and still has a say. Legal Guargian is a big difference to legal rights, i know this because iv been in a simular situation with my son. But you do realise that this baby will always be there in your life whether you like it or not, when the future comes her baby might want to be with her. I seriously hope you make the right decision because its a very difficult situation your in. I hope you work things out for the best.
Charlie
x | |
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| My thoughts
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:16:59 AM | If I were your G/F .... Id dump you and raise the two kids alone.
Is this another example of the "do as I say or I'll take your children away" female mindset? | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/1/2008 10:46:07 AM | | uuffff, POOR BABY, it seems both the mother and you are very irresponsable people. Fisrt of all, mothers MUST raise their own children. Your girlfriend is being so selfish with this baby, she is only thinking about herself and her life, what about baby's life? The poor baby is not guilty of all the crazy things his mother is doing. Why didn't she think about the consecuences before having sex with that man? She is thinking now and wants to thow the baby as if it was a trash. That's why i love my country and latinamerica in general. We do believe in family and love our children. You should forget this girl, she is not a good woman, Maybe one of those days she does the same thing but with your child. Think of it. Let her go. She is worthless.. | |
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| My thoughts
Posted: 9/1/2008 11:12:18 AM | | No rock hunter....its a case of a woman taking responsibility of what she has created...if the bloke doesnt want to play happy families then let him walk...why should kids suffer. | |
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| My thoughts
Posted: 9/1/2008 11:23:50 AM | its a case of a woman taking responsibility of what she has created... if the bloke doesnt want to play happy families then let him walk...why should kids suffer.
And still, you're willing to make one of the kids suffer -by taking her away from her father- because the guy has doubts after being cuckolded. And you didn't say that he should dump her. You said "I would dump you", as if it were his fault that she decided to play hanky-panky with another guy, or as if she should retaliate because he has doubts about accepting a living reminder of her infidelity.
if you want to stay with her and your existing child, you should be prepared to help raise the child with the help of the paternal father and his wife.
So again: If he wants to stay with his child, he should accept her conditions, otherwise she'll take his child away. I think this type of deal is called blackmail.
So much for a "woman taking responsibility". | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/1/2008 5:19:49 PM | | All you can do is support her decision. You took her back while after she was pregnant with another mans child, so you in effect accepted the consequences of that action, which is inevitably a baby. Deal with it. Whatever she decides you are going to have to decide if you can live with it. Start from there. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/1/2008 6:58:46 PM | MarkinBaltimore:
Bail the relationship is lost
you should have never taken her back. Its a lost cause here is your choices:
1. Stay and be reminded everyday your wife/g/f slept with someone else by hearing and seeing the child.
2. swallow your pride and deal with it
3. leave
looking from your posts, Options 1 and 2 are something you can't live with, which is understandable.
It is "normal" for you to feel resentment and such towards that child, your g/f, and the married man involved...anyone who tells you otherwise is fooling themselves.
Being with a woman that had kids before you met that are not yours, and reconciling a relationship with a woman you have kids with that had kids with another man is a "completely" different ball park
you need to be honest with yourself...you probably can't deal with this, at least not for very long. eventually those feelings will get the best of you and things will come to an ugly end.
Do the right thing, Bow out of the relationship. Fare your ex g/f good by and carve out a new life for yourself and your daughter.
Judgeing by the age and date of birth, it didn't take her too long to replace you, now its your turn to show her that "she" is the one that is replaceable....you can do much better than this chic, your short-changing yourself.
Best of luck to you | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/1/2008 9:22:34 PM | This is a very unfortunate situation. The biggest thing to remember is that this is not the childs fault. Another thing to consider is when a woman carries a child to term, there is a bond between her and that child. Whether she wants to bond with him/ her or not. I would think that as a man who LOVES a woman, if this is the case, you would understand that as an issue she must be facing at this time. If she decided to keep the child, you should be willing to inconvenience yourself a little for her happiness. If she is ok with the other man and his wife raising the child, you have to know she will want to be involved and I would hope- there again- you would show your love to her by treating her and that child with all of the love and support you have.
This must be a difficult decision for HER. Back her up no matter the decision. That is what a loving partner would do. Outside of that, pray. Pray that the right decision for the child will be made. He/ She is the innocent casualty in this situation. I wish you the best. | |
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| My thoughts
Posted: 9/2/2008 12:48:39 AM | Well rock hunter in an ideal world, mummy would have took more responsibility to not get pregnant to someone she barely knew, daddy and mummy would have lived happily together with the original child they had together....but life isnt perfect and unfortunately this man isnt big enough to look after another mans child EVEN for the sake of his natural child....so in my eyes both the children should stay with mum and he can and should do what he pleases its his choice. Yeah it would be great too if the baby could go to the natural dad but mum doesnt want that to happen, so someone has to act like a grown up there.
What I was saying, was IN MY WORLD I wouldnt even get in that situation but if I did I would always put the welfare and feelings of my children before the feeling of another adult plain and simple.
Ps Rockhunter Ive noticed on these forums that you love picking holes and twisting peoples posts....so Im not going to give you the pleasure, and thats my final word on the subject of this thread....game over. | |
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| My thoughts
Posted: 9/2/2008 1:55:38 AM | Well rock hunter in an ideal world, mummy would have took more responsibility to not get pregnant to someone she barely knew, daddy and mummy would have lived happily together with the original child they had together....but life isnt perfect and unfortunately this man isnt big enough to look after another mans child EVEN for the sake of his natural child....so in my eyes both the children should stay with mum and he can and should do what he pleases its his choice. Yeah it would be great too if the baby could go to the natural dad but mum doesnt want that to happen, so someone has to act like a grown up there.
So we're not in an ideal world, but he should act as if we were and if he doesn't, he should lose his daughter. And no word about dear mommy not being big enough to think about the first child before banging and getting pregnant from another guy. I don't understand your logic: she shouldn't lose her daughter because of her infidelity, but he should lose her because he can't accept her infidelity, and the cheating woman is the "grownup" in this mess.
Ps Rockhunter Ive noticed on these forums that you love picking holes and twisting peoples posts....so Im not going to give you the pleasure, and thats my final word on the subject of this thread....game over.
I only pick those holes that are already there. It's ok if you don't want to play anymore, logic is hard. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/2/2008 2:04:57 AM | I would think that as a man who LOVES a woman, if this is the case, you would understand that as an issue she must be facing at this time.
As a woman who LOVES a man, she wouldn't have been banging another guy, don't you think?
you would show your love to her by treating her and that child with all of the love and support you have.
Perhaps she would have shown her love to him by not banging another guy in the first place. Or perhaps making him part of the decision-making process. But in this thread, she has shown consideration only for one person: herself. And considered the feelings and wishes of only one person: herself. That's not love.
Unfortunately, people use "love" as some kind of password to accept every type of misconduct. And that's not right. Love can be killed by multiple reasons. Infidelity, betrayal, violence, etc. All of those kill love. We can't expect that "love" will be the ticket to save us from every mess we created ourselves. And we can't argue "if you love me, you will ... " when we know that our actions are killing that love, nor when our actions negate the reciprocity that is due.
This must be a difficult decision for HER.
Her body, her choice... her responsibility. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/2/2008 4:49:32 AM | I understand you don't want to raise other's people child.
I understand she doesn't want to raise another child and give in adoption as a solution.
I fail to understand, if none of you want to keep the child, why to deprive the biofather of his parental rights when is willing to assume his responsabilities and obligations as such.
The possibility of payments for cs comes to mind... Is that the reason? | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/3/2008 7:14:31 AM | | Let me get this straight: You were broken up with the mother of your child (as far as you know), and she had unprotected sex with a guy whom she let inseminate her - now maybe she wants you to raise Joe Blow's kid? Stop being her doormat! Decide what you want to do. Get a paternity test on the other child, and if it's yours, seek custody and find someone who doesn't go around acting like a recepticle for other guys. As a man, I'm embarrasseed for you. Geez! | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/3/2008 1:53:57 PM | Great Purple HairStreak:
what you have just spewed out of your mouth is part of the "glairing problem" with soceity today...support, support, support her?
whatever happened to "Accountibility" if anything, this man(the OP) should hold this woman "Accountable" for her actions more than anything!
This woman has directly "jeopardized" and undermined probably every good thing a good parent trys to do when raising his/her child.
your supposed to set "good standards" and motivate your children to do well.
so please tell me, what kind of standard does it set to show your young dauther its "ok" to get pregnanet by someone else other than your husband/her father? I mena obviously if these 2 get married she is going to know or find out that her brother/sister is not daddy's child...please explain to me what kinda standard this sets for his daughter?
see everyone is the "victim" today...no matter what its always "someone elses" fault and you must support me.
How about actually assuming "Accountablity and Responsibility" for your actions?
yes this man should hold this woman accountable...she should know their are "consequences" for the choices that she has made.
A good start for him would be paternity test on his daughter, and taking her to court for custody of his dauther and kicking this woman to the curb! letting her know that "she" is being held accountable for her actions and these are the consequences for your complete lack of parental responsibility concering the welfare of our child.
it is completely hilarious how some think he should supoort her, why should he support her? i mean please give me 1 good LOGICAL REASON. Your failing to understand the nature of this "social contract":
when a man meets a woman who "allready" has kids that are not "his" and he get together with her, yes he should accept her children, but ther is no "treachery, animoisty, or deceit" in this arrangement, he doens't have the type of emotional bond with this woman at that present time.
wqhen a man is with a woman/his wife, this woman has "bore him a child" and now she is bearing "another man's child" it is absolutly absurd that he should support her or what not. He has a bond with this woman that "she" severly strained...LOGICALLY SPEAKING, it is "normal behavior" for this man not to want the child...why should he?
This argument is not "objective" but "subjective" not what "ought to be" but "what is" completely factual. and facts hurt...he has every right not to want anything to do with this child...its not his flesh and blood, it is in no way his child...she betrayed him and had a child with another man. he has every right to feel this way
Heck more marriages have been broekn up on much lesser terms.
He should kick her to the curb and take his daughter and carve a new life out for himself...support her....can't belive im hear this nonsense
people making a "victim" out of someone who has clearly done wrong doing.
That's like the Nazi's they said "All we did was load them in the box car, we never killed anyone. We were just doing what we were told" look how far that got them...then again in those days people were held "Accountable" for their actions
Today accountability has been replaced with "im the victim" its always someone elses fault eh? Man/woman up and admit it...this woman was wrong.
If she loved him as much as she said, she wouldn't have been so quick to go out and sleep with someone else.... | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/4/2008 12:42:21 PM | | As for your comment what man in there right mind would want to raise another mans child my answer to that would be any decent man who really loved his woman. I have a child from a previous relationship and my boyfriend has taken on complete responsibility for OUR daughter. He plans to adopt her when we have the money for court costs. So to answer your question there are decent men out there who love family's as your own. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/4/2008 1:37:05 PM | A totally different situation. You already had a child when you met your boyfriend. In this case, she cuckolded the guy and got herself pregnant.
That's not being "a decent man". That's being a chump.
And since love is supposed to be a reciprocal thing, any decent woman who really loved her man wouldn't fuck another guy. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 9/12/2008 8:30:49 PM | I think i agree with the guys.. OP should take his daughter, let her deal with the new baby and grant her visitation.. the point I was getting at earlier is that she did this while they were seperated for whatever reason, he took her back after knowing she was preganat. I really don't understand why the baby can't go to the father when it was going for adoption. Whether she's right or wrong he took her back knowing what she did. Life's a gamble, especially when you have these kinds of factors in it. The adoption was blocked so now the fact that she got pregnanat while seperated is a deal breaker, because you might have to raise the new baby? You already forgave her and took her back, did you not think that this could possibly happen? Did you not have a plan b? But it's ok if you wanna change your mind. It's what people are good at, rethinking things and doing different.
I feel bad for your daughter in all this. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 10/24/2008 7:58:09 AM | Man I really feel for you and the tough situation you are in. When everything is said and done you are the one that must make some hard decisions. What other people think doesn't matter. You need to look deep in your heart and decide if you can raise a child that your girlfriend conceived when you were not together. If I was in your place I don't think I could. We are all bound by the choices and decisions we make in life. Your path is hard enough with one child you are responsible for. To take on more responsibility for a child that will constantly remind you of the relationship your girlfriend had with another man would be tough. In a lot of these situations the man will act out either physically or emotionally in a negative way toward the child.
Can you truly LOVE this child like it is you own? That is the question. | |
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| my g/f just had a baby that she got pregnaut with while we were broken up
Posted: 10/24/2008 9:13:14 AM | Mark, what's the problem? GF wants to give child away. Bio Dad does not. Have GF sign full custody over to bio Dad.
Now Mark, look deep in your heart. Do you really want to be with the gf? She gets pregnant with you and another guy? Maybe you should simply focus on your child for a while. | |
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