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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:26:26 AM |
Unless she is asking you to support her, what difference does it make? And for that matter, what business is it of yours? If you are just in a relationship and aren't living together, she can do whatever she wants besides cheating and lying.
You've been together for 2 months. Who do you think you are to be able to tell her what she should or should not be doing?
This ws my reaction when I read the OP...unless you're marrying, she's asking you for money, or you're moving in together...it's her life. So technically she is independent as long as she's not asking you for anything.
Some end up unemployed for a while and don't look as hard as they should...or wait until the unemployment is almost gone before they start looking. They make their own beds with that, but it's not your problem if she chooses to do that, the consequences are hers to deal with.
The only problem you may have is a difference in personalities that might cause you both to be incompatible, but unless this goes somewhere in the future, just work, pay your bills and live what you believe on your end.
If it starts affecting your finances (and you have a problem with this) then I'd worry/move on... | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:33:53 AM | I think you are WAY too early in the relationship for there to be "deal-breakers", frankly. Give it more time. Stop obsessing about it. Maybe you'll find that it doesn't matter that much to you after a couple more months.
"but right I think about leaving her everyday because I think its BEST for HER."
I'm not sure this isn't projection. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:41:21 AM | If you're really head over heels, what you might want to try, as a suggestion, is to sit her down, and tell her that the relationship doesn't go forward, go to the next level, get more serious, etc. until she can hold down a job for more than just a short time. If she balks, complains or makes threats, or agrees and then doesn't bother, well, that would be a HUGE red flag IMO.
Funny, I see profiles where the lady states the guy has to be working, this one is a bit of a twist. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:46:41 AM | Geez, I wish someone would pay for me not to work! I can't say I'm really "allergic" to work, but I sure as hell wish I didn't have to do it...but I have 2 sons, and therefore a responsibility to provide for them. Unfortunately, in the past, I've dated a couple guys who were unemployed for an ever-increasing amount of time, and I ended up supporting their lazy asses as well.
Get rid of her! Unless you are looking forward to paying for both your lives! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:47:32 AM | | Yes I would be turned off by the simple fact she watches the Gilmour Girls. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 10:51:21 AM | | i personally can't be in a relationship with someone that i don't respect....of course, u must repect urself first. good luck 2 u | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:12:15 PM | At the end of the day, my heart says 'this is someone special' and my brain says 'get the hell out'.
Listen to your brain. Many others here have great insight to your situation and have offered sage advice. However, if the above is what you feel after two months, I stand by what I said in a previous post:
Move on, not because it's best for her but because it's best for you.
If she will not pull her own weight by getting gainful employment outside the home, then pick someone who will. I still wonder how she pays her rent. How much was her birthday money? Sheesh. Note: if you weren't buying all of her food, how much would her situation change? She should not be relying on a man she's dated for two months to feed her. And you are silly for agreeing to such an arrangement, IMHO.
As it pertains to your future, I would talk to her about it. I say, if she knows that her having and maintaining a full-time job is a requirement to co-habitation (which is a reasonable expectation) and she still fails to do so, then I think it shows a lot about her desire to co-habitate or be with you. After that, you can move on with the knowledge that you have done everything possible to salvage what you to share. But really, if she has the money to live and not work, what's it to you?
Good luck, my man.  | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:19:52 PM | I see two sides to this. First, you have been with her for two month, not two years. I do not see how you have a right to tell her what to do and how to be. I am not saying it is right not to work but after knowing her for two months, if you do not like it leave. You have nothing invested after two months. If she wants to change, she has to do it for herself and not for you. Even if she became the woman you wanted her to be then she is gonna resent you for making her change. Love her as is or leave her.
On the other hand, if you want someone with goals that is your right. But if it is not her, leave. You cannot force someone to have goals.
I am not saying it is right to be at home and be lazy, it is not. But it is not right to expect someone to change for you and after two months?
~Carrie | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:32:21 PM | | I say move on, she doesn't work, that isn't your business as long as she isn't asking YOU to support her. And telling her to "get a job or else" well that's called CONTROLLING. You cannot FORCE someone to do something, or to change, and if you don't like the way she is, then leave. If I was her, i'd leave you for trying to tell me what to do! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:50:24 PM |
If it starts affecting your finances (and you have a problem with this) then I'd worry/move on...
OP, I was in a similar situation like yours. He was unemployed when I met him. He did find a part-time job a month or so later. In the end, the relationship started to affect my finances. I'm not struggling to make ends meet, but I have a mortgage to pay, bills to pay, insurance, etc. I like to save for my future too. He lived at home and his dad paid for almost everything even his car note. Oh, I'm only 2 yrs older than him. This was a long distance relationship. I practically paid for everything even his gas when he visited me. Since he didn't have a bank acct he would cash his paycheck and spend money on video games. Well, we didn't last. I started listening to my gut feelings. I wanted a partner, not a dependent. You have to think about yourself. It's better to find out now than find out years from now when it is harder to move on. She may end up getting used to you supporting her that she may end up not working at all since she knows you are around. You can't really change anyone, it always starts with that person whether they want to change or not. I say move on or sit her down and let her know exactly how you feel and what you want out of this relationship. Good luck. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 1:55:34 PM | Most of the responses in this thread have been truly helpful - thank you - particularly LoisLane, Tigerwoods and Ravenstar.
She very much wants us to move in together and I've said I'l decide by August (when my lease is up). Initially I thought the lack of employment was a phase we could overcome but its seeming less like that with each passing day.
I plan to sit down with her, tonight and tell her that I've decided not to move in with her for the time being (meaning she will have to pay her rent, alone for the foreseeable future). She may interperate this any number of ways (or may break up with me) but this relationship has taught me that I, myself need a strong, independant partner and this will be her opportunity to prove that without losing me, and strengthen herself in the process.
Some of you might perceive what I'm doing as incredibly cruel and I understand your point of view but, as many of my friends have pointed out we are moving very fast and 4 months is a very short time to date someone before living together.
I DO need her to change if she wants to be with me over the long haul, and hopefully I can communicate that in a not-so-hostile way tonight.
Thanks again,
Chris | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:28:19 PM | This is the bit that stuck out to me:
The reasons she gets fired are ridiculous (essentially refusing to do anything that wasnt specified in her interview)
Seems a bit strange.....If she worked for me she wouldn't last until lunch on the first day.... | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:36:11 PM |
Most of the responses in this thread have been truly helpful - thank you - particularly LoisLane, Tigerwoods and Ravenstar.
She very much wants us to move in together and I've said I'l decide by August (when my lease is up). Initially I thought the lack of employment was a phase we could overcome but its seeming less like that with each passing day.
I plan to sit down with her, tonight and tell her that I've decided not to move in with her for the time being (meaning she will have to pay her rent, alone for the foreseeable future). She may interperate this any number of ways (or may break up with me) but this relationship has taught me that I, myself need a strong, independant partner and this will be her opportunity to prove that without losing me, and strengthen herself in the process.
Some of you might perceive what I'm doing as incredibly cruel and I understand your point of view but, as many of my friends have pointed out we are moving very fast and 4 months is a very short time to date someone before living together.
I DO need her to change if she wants to be with me over the long haul, and hopefully I can communicate that in a not-so-hostile way tonight.
Thanks again,
Chris
Now that at least, sounds reasonable. I mean, I would see a red flag that she wants to move in so quickly. I say, continue the relationship (if she doesn't break up with you for saying no to moving in) and yeah, just let her handle her own life for now bills, rent etc. and let her know that you aren't being a "free ride" but you're still going to be "with her". I would think she would be understanding, if in fact, she didn't just want you to use you. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:41:42 PM | And telling her to "get a job or else" well that's called CONTROLLING. You cannot FORCE someone to do something, or to change, and if you don't like the way she is, then leave.
I don't see where it would be forcing her to do anything. He's not dragging her to a workplace and making her do labor at gunpoint. He's communicating some concerns that he's having about her, and would like to see if she's willing to get serious about working. From his description, she's finding any little excuse to cut and run from a job, not good. If I was in his shoes, I'd do the exact same thing I suggested to cktoronto, and if she didn't get serious then she's history afaic. If he were to just up and leave her, like you suggest, then HE'S the a$$hole because he didn't express his concerns in the first place, and give her a chance..
I do not see how you have a right to tell her what to do and how to be. I am not saying it is right not to work but after knowing her for two months, if you do not like it leave.
See my above response to Angel Eyes.. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:42:37 PM | ((((She very much wants us to move in together))) BECAUSE SHE IS BROKE AND CAN'T PAY RENT.
(((I plan to sit down with her, tonight and tell her that I've decided not to move in with her for the time being (meaning she will have to pay her rent, alone for the foreseeable future))))
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Hmm, more and more it sounds like she just wanted any guy she could get to pay her rent...if others said this I apologize.
Op, hows about this....just cool your jets a little, treat her like the Princess, but just make things 50/50. None of this hanging out all day together every day. Instead of having this talk with her..be a lot more sly, like us grownups. You could say stuff like this
"hey, I want to take you to a movie this FRIDAY, IronMan is still on" and she says OK, cool, and you say...then I'll pick you up Friday. And she might say...well what about tomorrow? And you could say, "what did you have planned for us"?
Instead of being there hook line and sinker for her "game", ok life is not a game, for her bored unemployed self....You just be a good old fashioned "boyfriend". If she brings up stuff like "do you really love me enough to get married in August" you can say, "I think you are getting ahead of yourself, I love you, but you aren't mature enough yet" etc.
Be a little more coy, don't show all your cards or make everything a serious emotional deep "talk", you know, "the talk". | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 2:58:13 PM |
I DO need her to change if she wants to be with me over the long haul, and hopefully I can communicate that in a not-so-hostile way tonight.
See, this is the thing with serious,committed relationships/marriage. You can't commit to someone assuming that you can change or train them out of their faults.
That said, I would say that just a few months is not sufficient time to determine whether a behavior you don't agree with is truly an ingrained fault or just a temporary bad patch. If this is all it is, your suggestion that her lack of diligence in finding paid employment should serve to light a fire under her.
But if the dallying/excuses continue, or she continues the pattern of getting terminated from jobs, then I think you need to think about moving on to find someone who already HAS a work ethic that matches yours.
Cindy O | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 3:31:54 PM | She sounds pretty accurate in this part
"I know WAY more about being unemployed and looking for jobs than you".
Likely you know WAY more about keeping a job once found.
What I'm getting from your posts is that you care about her very much but are very worried about this aspect of who she is. Sounds like you have tried to help and have tried to alleviate your worry (and fear) by offering advise on how to find a job.
Offering advise may not be working because she might be feeling defensive and it might feel - to her - like you are "making her wrong" saying she is "a bad person" and trying to fix her.
What I'm NOT getting from your posts is a sense that you have asked her and listened to her goals and aspirations around work. What does she say she wants to do/be? How important is work to her.
Stephen Covey said "Seek first to understand - and then be understood"
You need more information... begin with trying to understand where she is and what she wants. Active or Empathic Listening is key.
I hear your fear of being an enabler - you can cut off the financial help without breaking off with her quite simply. All you need to do is say "hey, when I offered to pay for your food, I did not anticipate it being so long, I'm sorry, but I can't continue this now or beyond X point"
Edit to add... just saw your latest post (I had a phone call, lol) CK, I think it is fine to say you want to take things slower and not plan to move in so quickly. Four months is very fast... it takes time to really get to know someone. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 3:38:18 PM | | Come home from work all bummed out and tell her you lost your job... | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 3:50:21 PM | The greatest killer of relationships is often resentment,
and it has descended upon yours quite early on! It sucks,
but it might be a blessing! Better now, then later with kids
and a mortgage!
Just another reason, not to jump in with both feet, despite
your feelings! Pick a partner that is an asset rather then a
liability! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 3:58:14 PM | Exactly, YOU MUST TAKE LOVERS THE WAY THEY ARE, kinda like "As-Is" warranty on a car.
Take her the way she is, but, YOU HAVE BOUNDRIES, SEE? You don't need to argue, you don't need to "explain" or "convince" her, don't even try to change anyone in life except yourself. Neither should she do that to you. If you are nervous about moving in, THINK OF A NICE WAY to tell her, IF SHE BRINGS IT UP.
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:11:47 PM | OP
If you want an independent woman who wants to have their own life, own finances and chooses to be with you, then you should move on. This woman does not feel that way about you but it seems she doesn't want to say that because she knows what you want and she is not it.
She wants to be taken care of and she wants a man to be responsible for her. This is your decision to make but if you are having a problem with it now, it will not get any better once she moves in. It will only get worse and become a bigger problem and cause more arguements because the problem will only get bigger once you see her day in and day out. Combine that with the honeymoon phase ending it will be a bigger and bigger issue.
A person's matching is not a heart decision it is a mind decision. The emotions will only make the decision harder because it makes you say "but I feel..." especially in the beginning of a relationship where you have the honeymoon phase.
Just my 2 cents. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:19:50 PM | I know your heart says "this is someone special" but the body cannot survive on love alone,be straight with her . For your relationship to progress to the stage where you share an apartment,tell her get work or i'm gone.
If she loves you as much as she seems to think , she'll understand that to prosper you have to work together. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:33:49 PM | OP It's only been 2 months since you've been with her. First of all I think you made a mistake by offering to buy her food. This is only my opinion, but that is only enabling her to do nothing, although a noble gesture on your part. Most adults know they have to work to support themselves, and a lot dont like what their doing but know the bills must be paid.
I would tell her of your concerns and see how the next couple of months go. If she has no incentive or ambition to look for a source, other than you, to pay her bills then you may have to re-evaluate your relationship.
You are already voicing concerns after only two months.
Good Luck | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 4:38:53 PM | Well, cktoronto, if you can't see the HUGE RED FLAG in your relationship any advice is pointless.
Look, by your own admission, she's lazy, financially irresponsible, and using you like a sponge. If you want to be tied to that permanently (as in long term relationship or marriage), you either tell her to shape up or you'll ship out. And please don't be one of these partners that threaten to end things but always give endless chances. Be fair but firm, and if she doesn't "demonstrate" a change in attitude and behavior --- leave.
Sheesh, amazing how some stay in nightmare relationships while others have zero tolerance and give hair-trigger rejections.  It's like relationship feast or famine. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/21/2008 6:43:42 PM | OP, she may have some great qualities, but she does not sound like the right match for you. It is ok to trust your instincts on this one and do what you need to do. Sounds like it is time to move on.
Btw, when I saw the title on this thread, I thought it was about allergies! We actually have a "no lilac" aisle at work right now! | |
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