| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:55:17 AM | | maybe you misunderstood english. i belive in working both man and woman. see above i was working two jobs ...15 hr days. but i do not belive in handing my paycheck over to a man whom im not even married to. I guess you didnt read that part wher ei said if married yes I would use my money to help whatever was needed. but a man not need to ask for my money if he can handle things. I happily would spend my money on things to help run a household. however he can pay the bills but then if he cant handle the bills I will help. but I will not spend my money to run the entire household including bills while he saves his. not gonna happen | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:04:30 AM |
but i do not belive in handing my paycheck over to a man whom im not even married to.
Maybe you misunderstood the entire thread. He never said he wanted "her whole paycheck", just for her to pay FAIR SHARE.
I guess you didnt read that part wher ei said if married yes I would use my money to help whatever was needed. but a man not need to ask for my money if he can handle things.
Why should you not pay your fair share of the bills even if he can handle things? | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:06:55 AM | | Do you not know how much money it takes to buy for a household and I have 3 kids not to mention some women including myself do not make nearly the money a man makes. when i do find a man, he will not have to pay a penny for my kids. I will do that with my money. ya know a firend i met from a chat room well he always asked me if he can come over and he always says to me.. what can i bring and i have alwasy told him to just bring yourself. noting else is needed. therefore I do not use men if thats what you are trying to make me sound like. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:15:31 AM | Re the Opost
I can see the rationale in her making enough money to pay for her monthly expenses but where does "lack of ambition and responsibility" come into this? That is a workaholic trap (ambition, etc), as long as she makes enough to cover her expenses, that is IMO OK. Is she supposed to have the ambition to start her own company, become CEO of one or run for the Senate?
Me thinks the two in the Opost have major differences in tems of their life philosophies! Maybe THAT is the main reason for not going on! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:27:33 AM | Do you not know how much money it takes to buy for a household and I have 3 kids not to mention some women including myself do not make nearly the money a man makes. when i do find a man, he will not have to pay a penny for my kids. I will do that with my money. ya know a firend i met from a chat room well he always asked me if he can come over and he always says to me.. what can i bring and i have alwasy told him to just bring yourself. noting else is needed. therefore I do not use men if thats what you are trying to make me sound like.
What has this got to do with the topic?
You know, even if she made less money than ck, if she was working and contributed a somewhat fair percentage of her earnings towards the bills, I wouldn't have a problem with that. But to have the entire financial burden while she's earning? He's being a doormat and a mealticket. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:34:10 AM | if a woman has 3 kids as I do and her money is used for them plus the household items I highly doubt she is gonna have anyting left to contibute. when she is broke is he gonna leave her becuase she has no more money to contibute? If so there was no love on his part to begin with. as far as working and helping yes in this day and time its necessary unless u meet a man who makes enough and wont take a woman's money from her. not to mention there some good men out there who will not take a woman's money for anyting at all. i met a guy once and I wanted pizza. well it was our first meeting. I wanted to pay for the pizza since we jsut met and i have 3 kids. He absoultely would not accept my money. i gave it to him and he put it top of the intertainment center before he left. some men are like that which i think they are the sweetest men alive. no matter how I demanded to pay he would not accept it. A true gentleman if there ever was one.
sam if i were you I truely woulndt hold my breath waiting for soemne to pay ur bills for you. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:40:21 AM |
if a woman has 3 kids as I do and her money is used for them plus the household items I highly doubt she is gonna have anyting left to contibute. when she is broke is he gonna leave her becuase she has no more money to contibute? If so there was no love on his part to begin with. Kitten. I love you. Please pay my hydro and phone bills.
kisses.
Women and men who take advantage of people's good nature is nothing new.
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:43:29 AM | Well, my story has taken another minor twist.
My girlfriend has just told me she is giving her notice and moving back to the country with her mom as she can no longer afford her rent - this might be the beginning of the end for us as seeing each other will be next to impossible within a month or two.
Was it my telling her I wasn't moving in with her that provoked this? Based on the timing I can't help but think it was, but part of me thinks that I've avoided a much uglier situation down the road.
The worst part of this is that I'm sharing my problems with you all like its a big deal, and in comparison to her problems its nothing. Shes at rock bottom and I don't know how to be more helpful without my chequebook, and even that is only a bandaid solution. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:44:41 AM | if a woman has 3 kids as I do and her money is used for them plus the household items I highly doubt she is gonna have anyting left to contibute. when she is broke is he gonna leave her becuase she has no more money to contibute? If so there was no love on his part to begin with.
Kitten, if you're living with a spouse, and your both contributing to the finances fairly, then he is also shouldering the financial burden along with you. HE pays, and you pay. Ideally, split down the middle. As for the kids, if they are not his, that is another issue which you would probably have to come to some agreement on. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:47:33 AM | Sheesh, if may reiterate the OP's whole point.
He's asking her to live responsibly and not be a sponge or use him as a financial crutch. If the genders were reversed I'm sure he'd feel the same -- I know I would.
Men "or" women shouldn't have to support a partner if said partner shows laziness and total unwillingness to hold up their end. All this "It's a man's or woman's JOB to do these or that" is total and utter garbage. I would think we've come far enough between the sexes where gender stereotypes and characterizations like that are long since past.
However, I do know from dating experience at least "some" behavioral expectations when it comes to who pays are so deeply ingrained that nothing seems to alter people's mindsets. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:53:25 AM | Was she unemployed when you met her?
How many jobs could she possibly have been hired/fired at in a 2 month period? From my experience, the hiring process can take a while... like, more than a day!
In any case, perhaps she was in a slump when you met her, I can understand not wanting to work if you're in a rut. BUT, now she should be in a better frame of mind, she has a great boyfriend who supports her (in more ways than one) and she should be ready to go back to work. Since she isn't, this must be her disposition.
You have two choices because nothing is gong to change. Deal with it because it's who she is (and you'll resent her. Hell, even if she DOES get a job, she'll resent YOU.) Or you just end it before it drags on and gets more painful.
What does she possibly have to clean everyday????? Thats just ludicrous.
I wish I could sit around and watch the Gilmore Girls everyday, but couldn't live with myself!
Seriously, who pays her rent? Is she on unemployment? How much birthday money could she really have gotten?
Why would you wanna be with someone with those ethics anyway - getting fired instead of quitting. Work ethics can say a lot about people when it comes to different aspects of their lives as well.
I expectd her to be like... 19 0r 20 when I read this, but 25? Yikes.
Good luck! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:54:11 AM |
The worst part of this is that I'm sharing my problems with you all like its a big deal, and in comparison to her problems its nothing. Shes at rock bottom and I don't know how to be more helpful without my chequebook, and even that is only a bandaid solution.
She PUT herself at rock bottom by being a lazy tool. The financial problems she has are ones of her own making. She's a loser who now is going to run home to mommy and live there expense/rent free - and that will only further enable her to spend her days puttering around, contributing nothing to society and making nothing of herself.
Put your cheque-book away already. Don't be a chump. It's not your responsibility to help her. She's 25 yrs old for crying out loud. Life is about choices. There are consequences for our choices, actions/inaction. Her 'rock bottom' is the direct result of her poor and selfish choices. Now she's going to run home and mooch off of mommy. How on earth could you respect someone like this? How could respect someone whose choices will now directly impact your relationship? (meaning; now that she's moving away/to the country, you'd wouldn't be able to see each other)
Have you ever considered, too, that she's just manipulating you? Just hoping that you'll be so sad about her leaving that you'll have a 'stupid moment' and suggest she move in with you and you'll support her?
Ask yourself how you can respect someone like this. Now you've seen her true colors. She's a total deadbeat. A parasite and a leech. No work ethic, no personal ethics, no pride or desire to make an adult life for herself. Yuck, how pathetic. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:54:22 AM | The first thing I want to say is that being a housewife, to me, is equal to working outside the home. A home with a homemaker shines a bit more than one without. The physical house may be cleaner, but it's much more than that. Nobody's birthday is forgotten or diminished. Holidays are more elaborate. The family is the profession, and the outcome is love. However, if there are no children, it doesn't make very much sense for a woman to be a housewife.
It seems that the woman in question is lazy. Maybe if you do stay with her and have kids, the benefit of having a woman at home will be more apparent, but until then, it just seems that she is lazy.
I'm engaged and pregnant. I work full time at a newspaper and I puke into a garbage can all day while I do it. As soon as my child is born, I'm entering the world of housewifery. It's not what I'm being encouraged to do; it's what I WANT to do. My family thinks I should keep my job. My SO thinks I should consider working part time for money reasons. But I do not want to be away from my baby for a second of the day. My SO thinks he is lucky to have found a traditional woman who knows what is really important. In this competitive world of duel-incomes and women's lib, something's gotta give, and that something is the family.
So--
1) A woman being at home doesn't mean that she's not working, it means that her job is different than yours
and
2) If you're not married, not happy with it, and have no children, there's a problem. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:06:59 AM | Feeling rather annoyed at OP.
Sounds like your a square block trying to fit in a round hole and blaming the hole for not changing to fit you.
I suppose you could change your attitude to suit hers more but wouldnt it be better to find the square hole. So much easier.
You say you spend most days and nights with her, because you know so much about her daily activities I would assume you are at her place. So this food you supply is food your eating aswell??? Your using her electricity and gas, using her hot water but you dont say you pay for her amenities, you claim you pay for food only, who is smooching off who?.
A few years back she would be praised for her attitude of wanting to be a good home maker. Its wonderful that women can choose these days. Hear that all you that said she is a lazy arse. She can choose.
She was looking after herself long before you entered her life and she will continue to do so after your gone. Maybe not to the standard you would like but none the less she has.
I remember a stage in my younger years where I feared work, my self esteem was so low I didnt believe I was worthy of working. Thank god it didnt last long and I went on to be an executive of a large company and now own my own business. Let her go home to mum and re evaluate her life without being with someone like you that wants to change her.
Geez that annoys me. Hey I like you lets date and now lets see what I can change about you. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:19:56 AM | He's not looking to change her..................if he was, he wouldn't be posting here.
He's simply concerned that he's gotten involved with someone who's on a different page as he is and what he's seeing are substantial red flags and good for him for taking note of them. So many people don't and they're so desperate to have someone and be in a relationship that they overlook crazy things.
Since when is it wrong to want to have a partner who's an equal? Who has a good work ethic? Who is self-reliant and independent? | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:23:31 AM | Fortiori syas......HE pays, and you pay. Ideally, split down the middle. As for the kids, if they are not his, that is another issue which you would probably have to come to some agreement on.
Fortorio When I make a paycheck the SIZE of his I will split down the middle. As far as kids...there is no agreement to be made on my kids. They are mine and i will take care of them money wise. so my kids will be no expense to the man. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:27:07 AM | Re msg 93, amazing how some people try and twist this so it's his fault.
Kittenshere, it's just too bad you can't see beyond your own personal situation, ie the bigger picture. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:27:49 AM | wutznot2love says "He's not looking to change her......"
Op says "I DO need her to change if she wants to be with me over the long haul, and hopefully I can communicate that in a not-so-hostile way tonight."
Sounds pretty clear to me he wants to change her.
I havent heard anyone say in this thread that it was wrong to want a partner whos equal etc. Infact most have told him to go find someone he is more suited to and let her find someone more suited to her. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:33:34 AM | Fortiori, Im not twisting anything although I think some people have added to the story to make her look like a lazy person that is being kept financially by OP.
I pretty much agree with the majority of the post in saying they are a bad match as she doesnt fit what he wants in a women.
Kittenshere, are you posting in the right thread as I cant follow what your talking about that is to do with this topic. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:37:37 AM | | cassandra its called responding to a poster that responded to mine. I dont intentionally ignore what somene says to me. i usually always respond. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:45:34 AM |
Sounds pretty clear to me he wants to change her.
See my msg #39 in this thread. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:52:44 AM | I can see the rationale in her making enough money to pay for her monthly expenses but where does "lack of ambition and responsibility" come into this? That is a workaholic trap (ambition, etc), as long as she makes enough to cover her expenses, that is IMO OK. Is she supposed to have the ambition to start her own company, become CEO of one or run for the Senate?
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Nick, I know you are from Greece and we are all sorry for that  ..perhaps your english isn't that perfectionistic like mines...Any, did you not read theo OP
THE GIRL MAKES NO MONEY AT ALL! How can you justify a "lack of responsibility" whether it be money, promises, integrity, etc? Its not WORKAHOLIC CRAP, she avoids all work, quits jobs, complains about bosses.
yes, nick, ok maybe op and girl have different philosophies. At least OP has a job and respects our duty to carry our own weight on the planet.
The girl has no income Nic. None. Workaholic doesn't begin to describe her. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:05:10 AM | | Firstly my man, you have not stated the living arrangements as to her place or your place, after you have moved in together. If she shuts you down about her finding work well then either tell her how exactly how feel about the siuation, and that it has to change, otherwise face consequences both of you and it won't be pretty. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:07:32 AM | If she has NO income, none. How does she pay her way? Op said she pays her own rent, he just pays for food and another poster mentioned he is probably eating that food being with her day and night.
She must have some income.
This seems all a little weird to me. She is 25yrs and OP has been in her life for 2 months, therefore she has managed her life pre OP. Did she work then or did she live with someone else? She must have some capabilities and be responsible or she wouldnt be able to get a lease on a place.
Anyway, you shouldnt be with someone that doesnt have the same values as yourself, recipe for disaster. Your work ethics are obviously different from hers.
Personally, I like women that are homemakers, the idea of being looked after appeals to me. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:24:50 AM | ^^^^^the OP already explained what she's surviving on................"birthday money." What a winner! Guess the money is running out.
Personally, I like women that are homemakers, the idea of being looked after appeals to me.
So really, you're not looking for an equal/partner - you're looking for a Mommy. That's rich. Good luck with that. | |
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