| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:39:42 AM | This thread has essentially broken down into those who read all of my posts defending me against those that read one or two that excited them, plus a few assorted nuts.
I've gotten some great insight into my relationship (which is healthy) from this thread, but if you want to really debate a 'woman's place' in today's world thats a topic unto itself and you should start a new thread. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:47:17 AM | It's apparent to me that, although you claim love and caring, you disrespect her.
She is not the right woman for you: it's that simple.
If you don't like what she does with her life, put your complain on the table and face the consequences. You can find a sweet and caring woman that works full time. She might have issues other than laziness...maybe she has a tendency to sabotage herself....something from the past? Have you investigated her background to understand her motives? Maybe she is just out of purpose. Think instead of judging: this has nothing to do with wanting to assert the status quo of the sexes.
Yet you choose to judge her decisions as if she is some sort of loser. Perhaps there is something else going on here. Perhaps!
Stop judging and you will not be judged. Judge and judgment will be on you.
How disgraceful to publically complain about somebody you claim you care for!!!!>>>>>>ROLLING EYES>>>>>
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:58:32 AM | Wrong: the man does not have to support this kind of woman. Who says that he has to??? Nobody said that.
He can go ahead and find somebody that better fits his needs. The same would apply if the man was not working: if the woman can't stand it, she should find a different kind of man. It is that simple. Why put misplaced judgement in between? Has he walked in this woman's shoes? Is he aware of her background? Who is he to judge? Maybe she has deeper issues other than sheer laziness: people don't make choices without a reason, be it conscious or unconscious.
You guys are so brainwashed by the feminist propaganda , that It is almost ridiculous. Pick your values and live by them, don't impose them on others.
Well, message above, you know what you said previously, even if you have deleted it. The truth hurts, doesn't it? | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:22:31 AM | I have read the entire thread. It has it's everlong debates on the ethics of women working or not.
What disturbs me more is that this man comes in and ACCEPTS this little lady and her package. On the first date. She's the ONE!
Now...a couple of months later. MMMMMMMM...gotta change this or that.
What was good enough from the first date is not now.
The sad thing is that emotions are intense. Someone is going to get hurt.
It is his immaturity in thinking this goddess is perfect and letting her know that he thinks she is.
ACCEPTANCE OF HER.
I'd be really pissed if some guy I met thought I was the ONE he had been waiting for all his life. If he whirlwinded me around on a romance merry-go-around day and night. Then said that he wanted us to live together now.
Then....uh oh...got cold feet about something about me that he didn't like. Something that was there about me from the first time he met me. "Now ...tch tch...I need you to change that. I cannot accept it. Oh...and...while you are at it, this is something else that I consider appealing in my woman...yadda yadda...I would like you to do this, too."
Listen, you poor confuddled man. Get some nuts and accept that you were in a pink haze and was acting stupidly.
You love her or you don't. If you don't, leave her alone. She has the choice of doing whtever she wants with her life. It's not for you to judge, fix or give conditions of your love to. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:45:15 AM | Being allergic to work is like being allergic to life.
If you are allergic to life then you deserve to die. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:57:01 AM | And my women should *accept* my life choice here, and stay by my side
No, I would personally walk away and let you live your life.
Personal responsibility is a value to those who believe in it. I personally do but I don't hate those who don't; I simply don't want them to mess about with my life. It's a matter of boundaries, if you can't establish them and assert them, others will mess around with you: don't let them, but at the same time don't impose your priorities on them. It's the wise fine line that should never be crossed. My ex husband crossed it, and I left........I thought it was unwise to impose my values and my priorities on him, simply because I loved him. I had crossed his boundaries too and he would have stayed: not very wise, in my opinion.
Love does not necessarily make a relationship work. Respect of each other's boundaries does.
This is called life, not fairy land....lovey dovey mushing around without thinking and planning. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:52:44 PM | ^^^Well then before you crucify the OP, you and others should READ his posts. You are now saying you would do the same thing he has chosen to do. He is NOT imposing his values on this person, point out where he does this? She had a job when they got together, soon after she lost it, couldn't keep one and chose to sit on her ass. What the hell else is he supposed to do? He asked to her to do something about it, she apparently went running home to momma.
Some of you have to really work on the reading comprehension skills... seriously, that or stop twisting and distorting this to make him out to be the bad guy, ie manhate. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:55:45 PM | | testing , trying to see if my posts work. new guy | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:56:44 PM | | Guess it does. Cool. i'm allergic to work by the way. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:13:04 PM |
DO need her to change if she wants to be with me over the long haul, and hopefully I can communicate that in a not-so-hostile way tonight.
Thanks again,
Chris
She worked 3 months in a job BEFORE he met her. Then the first week that they dated was only the other time she worked.
He still ACCCEPTED her. Even to the point of discussing moving in.
Now, comes the grooming and changing of her into what he wants.
That's what I saw. I still stand with what I wrote. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:47:34 PM | | You're choosing to take me way too literally Wallflower. She's already changed alot for me, and I for her. We may not be rewriting our DNA but every relationship takes some sacrifices to work. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:55:46 PM |
She worked 3 months in a job BEFORE he met her. Then the first week that they dated was only the other time she worked.
He still ACCCEPTED her. Even to the point of discussing moving in.
Now, comes the grooming and changing of her into what he wants.
That's what I saw. I still stand with what I wrote.
If she had a history of sitting on her ass before they hooked up, that he knew about, and then later on in the relationship, he tried to get her to work, you'd have a point. It's NOT that way though is it? For all he knew, she was willing to pull her weight ie she had or did have a job when they hooked up.
You are arguing semantics at this point. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:57:45 PM | run like hell from the one u claim to love in ur heart. that doesnt sound like love to me. when someone truely loves someone in their heart they dont care about anyting else. they just wnat to be with that person at any cost. love is unconditonal.
I suppose that explains why women remain with cheaters, abusers, junkies, etc.
Oh, my bad. They don't.
hopefully she leaves the OP for being rude enough to allow others to degrade her cause of her life choices
Heavens, no! Who would support her then? Unless palimony is in the works, of course. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:07:06 PM | i`m allergic 2 work 2.. but i go everyday..  ..
i think ur gf is suffering from depression & should get checked out by her dr. asap & be treated 4 depression.. she needs 2 get out of this 'comfort zone' she`s gotten herself in!.. i wonder.. how does she pay her rent/mortgage, bills, groceries, etc since she`s not working?.. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:26:17 PM | A fortiori..
In the real dating process one looks carefully at all sides of the picture. This real dating process is ususally more than a couple of weeks!
He missed out on the dating process which should've happened in the 2 months instead of setting up house.
He saw that she was THE ONE on the first date!! He accepted her for her pros and cons ON THE FIRST DATE.
AND STILL ACCEPTED THOSE PROS AND CONS over a SPAN OF 2 MONTHS!
NOW HE IS COMPLAINING!
Not right!! Like I said before if a guy hooked my heart because he told me that I was perfect for him....and then later down the road started wanting changes to suit him. I would be upset. This has nothing to do with her being out of work or working.
It's all about getting into something too fast without seeing the whole picture.
His choice? Live with it or leave.
Do not expect people to change for you. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:43:37 PM |
Is this the epitome of the virtues espoused in Modern Feminism?
Where have you been all these years? Of course it is! | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:08:16 PM | In the real dating process one looks carefully at all sides of the picture. This real dating process is ususally more than a couple of weeks!
He missed out on the dating process which should've happened in the 2 months instead of setting up house.
So you are the one who determines what the real dating process is?
He did look at the picture, or more accurately, WHAT WAS PRESENTED TO HIM at the time they hooked up. Do you know what "bait and switch" is?? It's one of the oldest cons in the book, basically a sucker play. She presents herself one way, ie the stable working type BAITS him in, when they get familiar and start to care, she SWITCHES to what she's really like. Looks like a textbook example of that to me.
He saw that she was THE ONE on the first date!! He accepted her for her pros and cons ON THE FIRST DATE.
So how many times must it be repeated ?? That one of her "PROS" when they met, was that she was working, and/or willing to work, that's the impression she gave. One of her "PROS" within two months, turned into a "CON". What the hell is he supposed to do? She went from "working/looking for work", to "can't hold a job/sitting on her ass in front of the TV", which eventually turned into "running home to momma". He basically asked her to shape up, or things don't proceed, which he was entirely correct to.
One more time. If she was in the habit of sitting on her ass and watching TV, WHEN HE MET HER, and started seeing her anyways. And then later on down the road, tried to change that part of her lifestyle, THEN you have a point in calling him on it. In this case, all you can do is argue semantics, twist/distort what was put forth, or apply your own kind of spin to this.
He was entirely right in what he did, and should NOT have to feel bad, or apologize for it. AT ALL. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:11:35 PM | From what I understand, it has mainly been the feminist movement that has opposed the traditional gender roles.
See, this is the problem. In it's purest form, all the "women's" or "feminist" movement was ever about was removing artificial social barriers that pressured women into marriage and motherhood, even if they desired to pursue a different career path.
True 'feminism" is very simply a belief that all adult human beings should have the right to choose the course of their life without having to buck gender or other social bias that has no basis in fact.
It was about CHOICES,plain and simple.But unfortunately it got pretty distorted and now we have, as one example " society has put a stigma on having a traditional set-up".
It was supposed to keep society from seeing women who passed up marriage/motherhood to dedicate themselves to a career, as flawed or abnormal. (We don't see single, childless MEN that way, do we?)
TRUE feminism opposes ONLY the social FORCING of women(and men) into "traditional gender roles". But unfortunately, too many screwed up people got into the act and screwed the whole thing up beyond recognition or redemption.
Cindy O | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:25:08 PM | Sigh...some men just don't listen.
He has no right to change her. Did you hear me??
If he don't like the cow 2 months after milking her, then sell the damn thing. To try to change her hide colour from brown to white is stupid. This is who she is. Plain and simple. If he took the time to date her he would've found that out sooner.
As for "Bait and Con". You walked into that one, mister. Who's fault is it that he ran into the road so fast before seeing if there were cars coming? An adult, too.
I call it a learning experience.
As I said before accept who she is or leave. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:54:09 PM |
Sigh...some men just don't listen.
He has no right to change her. Did you hear me??
Some people just refuse and don't get it.
He has a right to ask her because that is what he has come to expect from her because that is what she presented to him in the first place. Again, reread, reread, reread.
If he don't like the cow 2 months after milking her, then sell the damn thing. To try to change her hide colour from brown to white is stupid. This is who she is. Plain and simple. If he took the time to date her he would've found that out sooner.
In terms you might understand.
When he first met her, the cow's color WAS white, then she changed it to brown, ie HER TRUE COLORS STARTED TO SHOW. It is reasonable for him to ask her to find lasting work because that is the impression she gave him (she is a worker) in the first place. As already stated, if she doesn't, he will stop the relationship, or did you not read that part as well? It's basically shape up or ship out.
As for "Bait and Con". You walked into that one, mister. Who's fault is it that he ran into the road so fast before seeing if there were cars coming? An adult, too.
I call it a learning experience.
As I said before accept who she is or leave.
It's called "bait and SWITCH", again... read, read, read.
At the time he met her, THERE WERE NO "CARS COMING", she showed up in one a little later down the road.. How many times does this have to be explained to you?? | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:58:48 PM | Another case of perceptive man.
I didn't know, I couldn't see, I saw nothing, there was nothing coming...........He wasn't watching carefully obviously or he was blinded by feelings. People rarely change color one day after the next. In the meantime he let emotions go at the cost of everybody, especially her, since she seems to be the weak one in this story. How do we know that he hasn't used her weaknesses to get it his way? Maybe he was and still is full on good intentions, but it seems like he is fooling himself in thinking that the relationship will make her change. If she decides to act differently, it can only be for her own sake only and she has to decide that. Besides, we haven't heard both sides. It is disgraceful and disrespectful to come in here complaining, while he hadn't had the guts to approach her directly. Screams 'uncaring' to me.... These are private matters and he is breaching the confidentiality aspect of an intimate bond.....very unwise!
But everyone can keep his/her own opinion, after all. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:07:00 PM | Another case of perceptive man.
I didn't know, I couldn't see, I saw nothing, there was nothing coming...........He wasn't watching carefully, people don't change color one day after the next. In the meantime he let emotions go at the cost of everybody, especially her, since she seems to be weak one in this story.
Some people will find just about any way to put the guy in a bad light.
He started to do something about it when he noticed things changing, perhaps he should be The Amazing Kreskin so he could have seen this coming before it happened...
Unbelievable. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:24:38 PM | You discover who people actually are over the first - roughly - 3 months. Certainly by the first year.
She was working when CK met her. Lost her job... was looking for another.
Could happen to anyone, I'd stick around.
But eventually you discover the pattern.
Personally, I'd prefer someone handle something like this with me the way CK has.
TELL me the dealbreaker, rather than just disappear.
Maybe I'd want to change it. Sure would appreciate the opportunity to think about it.
If I couldn't - or didn't want to - well then no hard feelings, too bad it didn't work out.
As far as I can tell, CK did just fine with this one... went a little further than many might.
Perhaps, thinking of the groceries, a little further than he ought to have.
And I think that is his compassionate heart leading him.
Which isn't a bad thing at all to my way of looking at the world.
Been lead there myself and don't regret it, CK, there's always time in the world
to give someone the benefit of doubt while you wait to see how the situation or the person
will reveal themselves in the fullness of time.
So, no, I quite strongly disagree with those of you making CK wrong in this. | |
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| Allergic to Work
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:29:04 PM | Oh A.....here's a tiresome thread that we see come up all the time.
"A man comes into my life and shows me that he was perfect for me....and I swooned madly...RIGHT AWAY! ......I fall into bed with him because he's just so fabulous!!
He's everything that I want.
Two months later I am whining in a self pity thread that he's this or that...and...and...and...he won't change. I have told him to change for me because I don't like this part of him.
Pray tell....what kind of reception would I get? Not much sympathy.
The real me would date him for awhile. No sex. No commiting to exclusivity until I knew that he would be the real McCoy. This takes time as everyone doesn't show their imperfect sides right away. If there were things about him that showed up within the next 2 months that would irritate me endlessly, I would take stock of it and see if I could live with it ...or not. If I couldn't, I would tell him why and put the ball into his court. If I meant enough to him, he would change on his own time and initiative. Not mine.
I have NO right to make someone change who they are. | |
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