| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/21/2008 8:24:32 PM |
She can argue better than anyone I know For her to demonstrate this to you, you must be arguing very strongly with her. Are you sure that arguing is really the approach you want to be taking?
when all I want is a hug, all it seems to me she wants is to rub my nose in the dirt How clearly are you communicating that all you want is a hug? Have you said, "I'm sorry, can I have a hug?" for example? It's no good arguing with her and only thinking secretly to yourself "I only want a hug" -- for all you know she might be doing the same thing whilst you are busy rubbing her nose in the dirt.
in the past she has shown tendencies to fly off the handle at the most basic things I have said When a person is triggered by something we say or do, we have a choice. We can attack their emotional response as irrational or we can seek to understand the emotional source of the reaction in order to know them better and love them more tenderly. We all have our trigger points, vulnerabilities, soft spots that are revealed in a relationship, discovering and understanding things is about opportunities to love each other not opportunities to attack each other. Of course we humans are sometimes irrational -- we are emotional beings.
It is possible that the person you are with is unstable or unable to be in a healthy, loving relationship but it is not clear that your own behaviour towards her is conducive to a healthy loving relationship either. Why would you argue back with her if your feeling is that you want a hug? Did you not try buttoning your lip shut and hugging her instead of trying to be the one who was right? You have a clear pattern of interaction that leads to an unhappy place.
If you get back together without resolving this pattern then it will repeat. Resolving the pattern is not impossible: first identify it and then take responsibility for your part in it. and next time she flies off the handle irrationally, try hugging her and saying nothing but waiting for her to explain where her feelings are coming from without making her feel that she is going to need to defend them. Explain your behaviours to her in a non-defensive way. The two of you need to realise and remember that you're suppose to be on the same side and love is about being loving towards each other not about having to defend yourselves or making each other feel as if there is a need for defence. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 12:44:25 AM | ""everything i needed in a woman...except for the occassional "throwed off psycho" behavior."""
That's not from OP, but summarizes things. I was recently with a wonderful woman for near on 3 years. And 98% of the time I thought we thought things were grand. Since she doesn't drink or use drugs, there were no induced psychosis. As above, if I had the occasional (say once every 6 months) "issue" or question for her....I never really got a straight shootin answer. Maybe I expected too much, given my POF forums resource, and self-admired communication skills. Or maybe she was really hiding something(s) from me. I don't know folks. She was a hardworking, clean, quiet, caring, responsible person with her daily routine down to a 'T'. Just today in a real life group, someone quoted a professional as saying "opposites usually never stay together". That drove things home. I was the near opposite.
But what I've also heard from my father and another good friend, happy mature couples don't have these bizarre spats. They don't need "to talk about something" -ever. While I found that hard to assimilate, it made some sense. you cannot have a relationship with two crazy people in it, or even one crazy person.
To the OP: if you do get back together REMEMBER IT COULD ALL END VERY SOON for the same exact reasons. Do not fail your promises. WRITE THEM DOWN NOW, in a diary etc. So you can look at them in a few weeks BEFORE the sheet hits the fan again. Also, try not to get into bizarre spats. Let him/her have their way, if its not a major violation of your boundries. BREATHE DEEPLY 3 TIMES; dont sink into another abyss.
Try kissing her before things turn into a fight. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:02:47 AM | There are a couple of phrases in your post that stood out to me. 'All I want is a hug' and that she wants a ring because shes scared your KEEP leaving.
So lets break it down. Firstly the hug thing. Theres a time in my view a hug is needed and times whens it's not an option. When we are in relationships heated debates and arguing (particulary after 3 yrs) is fairly normal and common. Things do get mundane and shes wanting to get the bottom of things and all you want is a hug then it doesnt come across very mature. Im not sayin knock chunks out of other but sometimes we have a point we want to make or vent and I guy wanting cuddles is just damn annoying.
Secondly the thing that really did stand out the most to me was the feeling you keep dumping her. If you dont want her then get rid and if you want a nice relationship then your not helping the situation are you. The worst thing Ive seen on here is stuff like dump the phycho with very little thought about your behaviour. Sounds to me like youve made her insecure and she probably is pushing your buttons cos shes on the attack before you do it.
How you treat her has a bearing on the relationship you know and she probably thinks your gonna up and leave any moment. So sure shes gonna kick off. You sound very much in control of the situation to me and not her.
You need to think about what you want and sure a ring and commitment is too much right now cos your right it wont fix things. You have to sit down in a controlled environment and work out if there is a future and if things are repairable. If not you both need to walk away. Very sad after 3 years. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 1:30:35 AM | Real love, while it does require some effort to keep strong, is a HAVEN, not a BATTLEFIELD.
I agree totally. My on/off relationship with my ex ended up in us having a child and marriage. But the inevitable happened eventually and we separated after nearly 15 years of driving eachother insane. Throughout the entire thing I had low self-esteem and didn't feel loved. I don't regret it entirely because we have a lovely daugther, but the relationship was deeply flawed from the beginning as yours is. If you get back together, you're only prolonging the agony. Be strong and don't go back to her, your soulmate is out there somewhere. Think I might have finally found mine, it's early days but there is nothing about this man that feels wrong to me. Trust your gut instinct and all the best. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:06:05 AM | You have come here trying to make her sound like she is the one with a huge problem. Three years is a look time to be with someone(even with some breaks) and still not be married, espcially at the age of 47.
It sounds to me she is just frustrated that things haven't moved along in a timely fashion.
Also if you want to make this work, why are you on a dating site looking for dates?
I get it, as long as she goes with your program, everything is fine. I would most likely be the same way after three years of dating, or I would have just walked away from you. Life is too short to spend with someone that is a dead end. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:09:20 AM | | Hi Guru, Yes I have just come out of a very similar situation. It was causing me a lot of grief and was unhealthy. I know it's very hard to realise you must break away, once and for all, but you will feel better about it in6 months or so. Don't give away your power to a "psychic vampire"who drains your strength, and makes you a victim.The only reason to be with someone is because they make you happy and CARE about making you happy. Lots of women will try to control you, and then when you comply, they lose respect for you. Your own unhappiness is telling you what you must do. Cheers Rod | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:25:41 AM | GURU... It's not gonna be easy, but based on almost identical and painfully personal experience...
You might be better off to let it fade away. You have described the mother of my only child, and God knows she is important to me- I just wasn't AS important to her. Sounds like some narcisstic qualities in her character. I couldn't deal with her crap(the same stuff you just described) or with someone who thinks that talking over the other one will fix things, and who flat out told me she didn't care how I felt. I can tell you that you DON'T want to have children with her- think who's mannerisms that child will emulate.
It'll take at least a couple of years to get over that kind of emotional abuse, and you MUST learn to see it for what it is, and acknowledge to yourself that you ARE worthy of better treatment than that. Next time you're online, look up Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I expect you may learn something valuable to your ability to navigate this mess.
Good luck, friend. I feel your pain.
-Nomad- | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:33:01 AM | Your story has a very familiar ring to it, reminding me of my most recent relationship....only with a few different details. And the conclusion of that relationship was we split because we both realized that no matter how much potential we both saw in it, ultimately the reality was the potential was clearly leading to more pain than love.
Also, the fact that she can not see her responsibility in the problems is a real problem and I'm sure you feel this. If they can not take responsibility for their actions and reactions without blaming them on you (or others from her past), then I learned there is nothing I could do to 'fix' that problem. It seems to be so ingrained so deeply that only the one suffering from it can truly start to adjust that perspective. And if they don't, then I don't see how they will ever be happy with themselves or with you because they can't heal what they don't see as their responsibility.
My other thought with you two is the danger of missing each other so you keep getting back together again.....and each time I assume nothing really has changed except for maybe an initial high and then it all returns again to the lows (and verbal blows). I think you're going to have to be strong (both of you) and truly honor that you are probably not compatible, despite the love. It really sounds like there is more hurt going on than love and that is most definitely not a relationship to make permanent...quite the reverse.
Please don't think of the three years as a waste at all, though. Every single relationship is a gift and teaches us so much and is necessary for your growth or you would not have been in it. Nothing is a waste....ever. And the love you have for her will never leave you - you carry it with you for it is within you - you don't lose it just because you part.
You write, "......I just feel sad it's possibly all over..."and that is natural to feel. (And by those words we can see you are still holding a window open for it not to end just yet.) But, if you go through the sadness and not stop it by getting back together again!...and let it help you detach from each other, you both will be able to move on and heal from this and eventually move into much healthier relationships. For this one is not, so it seems to me, in reality, for I'm not thinking what it could be.....for could'ves and would'ves and should'ves will keep us from facing reality for eternity! | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 2:52:59 AM | | OP - When you're in a relationship with someone and they have behavior you can't accept, you just have to end it. Every time you start over with them it only strengthens the behavior, because they know that whatever they do............you will always take them back. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:23:09 AM | Wow- I'm really taken aback! I had no idea there were so many decent people out there who all seem to be willing to help out, in a nice friendly way- thank you.
Just to put a few points straight- I WAS married, for 12 years, basically we just grew apart, different interests etc. It's quite humbling sitting here and reading through all your responses- I think Happygirl may have truly hit the nail on the head. I just can't play games any longer. I do love her dearly, and when we are together it just "feelsright," yet it always seems that at the point where I need to put me first- then the rows start. I don't think anything much can be changed now- I'm just tired of it all, the 3-4 times a week 100 mile round trips, yet I'm lucky if I get one visit every six months, and so on. I just don't have any more to give this relationship. I know deep down in my heart of hearts that I'm about to loose something I thought was really special- but the price would have been me.
Thanks to all you great people who responded  | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 4:30:13 AM | Wow- I'm really taken aback! I had no idea there were so many decent people out there who all seem to be willing to help out, in a nice friendly way- thank you.
Any old time, brother.
It sux, yeah. But just get out there and socialize, and voila! Before you know it, you'll have forgotten that miserable person who couldn't stand for you to be happy.
-Nomad- | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:18:10 AM | | Wow!! You just described my last ex. I felt the same way about here but after 2 years it's over. It's been almost 9 months since I've seen or talked to her and looking back and thinking things through, I would've ended divorcing her inside of 3 years had I married her because of her making me so miserable...................Anyway, onward and upward.................. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 5:34:17 AM | Just looked at a thread that was about whether it is fair to ask someone to change. The unanimous response was no. Your situation is a little different but if the problems are things she does not want to work on, you are correct, the relationship will always be a roller coaster and you are better off finding someone that you are really suited to.
When I was younger, I had the attitude of which you speak in the OP, that you love the person and have oodles of time invested, in too deep to really walk away. Having endured a long-term horrible relationship if things are difficult in the beginning, I am going to bail because it is not likely that they will get better. You seem to have different conflict resolution methods and that is not going to change.
So, it matters little how much you love her and the ways in which you are compatible because the incompatibility will always be between you. Stick to the no-contact and move on. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:53:01 AM |
post #12
Real love, while it does require some effort to keep strong, is a HAVEN, not a BATTLEFIELD.
Cindy O
Random thoughts
when enmeshed, create images.
To what direction is of importance,
the human condition, flashes
sometimes in brilliance,
sometimes in darkness.
Is there a twilight for two souls
where balance exists?
Or is it a struggle?
Who wins?
It is not a contest.
It is rather, what wins?
Harmony, love, respect,
compassion exist
in the twilight of
common mind sets
without contest. | |
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| Opinions on this crazy relationship please.
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:36:47 AM |
I just don't see it is going to get better (or that she will improve the bits i can't cope with)
And of course you were/are a perfect angel in all of this…… 
I think you should seek professional help…sounds a little like you have a screw lose…..  | |
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