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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 4:45:18 AM |
(Arlo) "Why do so many people seem to think that a woman who "needs" a man (or a man who "needs" a woman, f0r that matter) is somehow deficient?"
(easyoneverything) I don't know - why do they? I don't share that belief personally but I will tell you that what I need from a man is not always what he wants me to need him for. So maybe there is a disconnect between what defines need for men and for women?
Could be. Could be a lot simpler, too: men and women aren't always going to see eye-to-eye on EVERYTHING. They should both just keep the "need/want" bugaboo to themselves, and appreciate a good thing when they have it. SOMETIMES taking the DVD player apart to see how it works just results in a bunch of non-functioning electronics on the living room floor. The same thing applies to relationships, only more so: trying to apply 1+1=2 logic to feelings and emotions only destroys them.
Arlo
(please understand, easyoneverything, that NONE of this is directed at you personally. In fact, I think you're smart as a whip, and I find smart women to be a Good Thing.) | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:04:18 AM | Some of us women get "screwed" in a divorce too.
I put my husband through medical school...gave him children late in life.
I got ill with a devastating genetic problem. He could not handle it. I was no longer perfect.
So..the young nurse got him.
And he left me bankrupt and owing back taxes. I did not get my degree because I was busy taking care of him..and I cannot find a well paying job..so I work for myself...and it is taking a long time to build an customer base.
And he took my children...lying was his specialty ..and his being a doctor..the courts thought he walked on water...but in essence..he is a malignant narcissist.
Anyway..I learned my lessons and learned them well. That is why I am very "picky" about who will be my future partner. At least I can embrace my past and realize if these things did not happen to me...I would not have grown as a person.
And here is something that I believe we all can use....Dr Dobson wrote this...
Tough Love...
The principles of loving toughness are the same for those who are single as for those who have been married for decades. There are circumstances, however, that are specific to the courtship period. Let me cite 17 suggestions that will help you avoid the common pitfalls among those who are trying to win the heart of another.
1. Don't let a relationship move too fast in its infancy. The phrase "too hot not to cool down" has validity. Romantic affairs that begin in a frenzy frequently burn themselves out. Take it one step at a time.
2. Don't discuss your personal inadequacies and flaws in great detail when the relationship is new. No matter how warm and accepting your friend may be, any great revelation of low self-esteem or embarrassing weaknesses can be fatal when interpersonal "valleys" occur. And they will occur.
3. Remember that respect precedes love. Build it stone upon stone.
4. Don't call too often on the phone or give the other person an opportunity to get tired of you.
5. Don't be too quick to reveal your desire to get married, or that you think you've just found Mr. Wonderful or Miss Marvelous. If your partner has not arrived at the same conclusion, you'll throw him or her into panic.
6. Most important: Relationships are constantly being tested by cautious lovers who like to nibble at the bait before swallowing the hook. This testing procedure takes many forms, but it usually involves pulling backward from the other person to see what will happen. Perhaps a foolish fight is initiated. Maybe two weeks will pass without a phone call. Or sometimes flirtation occurs with a rival. In each instance, the question being asked is "How important am I to you, and what would you do if you lost me?" An even more basic issue lies below that one. It wants to know "How free am I to leave if I want to?" It is incredibly important in these instances to appear poised, secure, and equally independent. Do not grasp the other person and beg for mercy. Some people remain single throughout life because they cannot resist the temptation to grovel when the test occurs.
7. Extending the same concept, keep in mind that virtually every dating relationship that continues for a year or more and seems to be moving toward marriage will be given the ultimate test. A breakup will occur, motivated by only one of the lovers. The rejected individual should know that their future together depends on the skill with which he or she handles that crisis. If the hurting individual can remain calm, the next two steps may be reconciliation and marriage. It often happens that way. If not, then no amount of pleading will change anything.
8. Do not depend entirely upon one another for the satisfaction of every emotional need. Maintain interests and activities outside that romantic relationship, even after marriage.
9. Guard against selfishness in your love affair. Neither the man nor the woman should do all the giving. I once broke up with a girl because she let me take her to nice places, bring her flowers, buy her lunch, etc. I wanted to do these things but expected her to reciprocate in some way. She didn't.
10. Beware of blindness to obvious warning signs that tell you that your potential husband or wife is basically disloyal, hateful, spiritually uncommitted, hooked on drugs or alcohol, given to selfishness, etc. Believe me, a bad marriage is far worse than the most lonely instance of singleness.
11. Beginning early in the dating relationship, treat the other person with respect and expect the same in return. A man should open doors for a woman on a formal evening; a woman should speak respectfully of her escort when in public, etc. If you don't preserve this respectful attitude when the foundations of marriage are being laid, it will be virtually impossible to construct them later.
12. Do not equate human worth with flawless beauty or handsomeness! If you require physical perfection in your mate, he or she may make the same demands of you. Neither of you will keep it for long. Don't let love escape you because of the false values of your culture.
13. If genuine love has escaped you thus far, don't begin believing "no one would ever want me." That is a deadly trap that can destroy you emotionally! Millions of people are looking for someone to love. The problem is finding one another!
14. Regardless of how brilliant the love affair has been, take time to "check your assumptions" with your partner before committing yourself to marriage. It is surprising how often men and women plunge toward matrimony without ever becoming aware of major differences in expectation between them.
15. Sexual familiarity can be deadly to a relationship. In addition to the many moral, spiritual, and physical reasons for remaining virgins until marriage, there are numerous psychological and interpersonal advantages as well. Though it's an old-fashioned notion, perhaps, it is still true that men do not respect "easy" women and often become bored with those who have held nothing in reserve. Likewise, women often disrespect men who have only one thing on their minds. Both sexes need to remember how to use a very ancient word. It's pronounced "no!"
16. Country singer Tom T. Hall wrote a song in which he revealed an understanding of the concept we have been describing. His lyric read, "If you hold love too loosely then it flies away; if you hold love too tightly, it'll die. It's one of the mysteries of life." Hall's observation is accurate. If the commitment between a man and a woman is given insufficient importance in their lives, it will wither like a plant without water. The whole world knows that much. But fewer lovers seem to realize that extreme dependency can be just as deadly to a love affair. It has been said that the person who needs the other least will normally be in control of the relationship. I believe that to be true.
17. There is nothing about marriage that eliminates the basic need for freedom and respect in romantic interactions. Keep the mystery and the dignity in your relationship. If the other partner begins to feel trapped and withdraws for a time, grant him or her some space and pull back yourself. Do not build a cage around that person. Instead, release your grip with confidence while never appeasing immorality or destructive behavior.
These are the basics of the "love must be tough" concept. I could list another hundred suggestions, but you get the idea.
Dr. James Dobson
Tom T. Hall, "I Left Some Kisses on the Door, " copyright 1979, Hallnote Music. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:42:17 AM | to each their own, too bad some women want to settle for guys who don't want to get married when there is plenty of guys out there who can truly appreciate a woman and when they know the chemistry is there and going to last can and will ask the girl to marry.
why some of them are single and all *shrugs* | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:46:41 AM | You want to know why men dont want to be in a committed relationship these days
its because why should they when the women these days give the sex up for free
so why commit, why should they, why buy cow when you can get the milk for free
That is why!!! its pretty simple!!!! | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:59:21 AM | OMG cant beleive you think like that , just because sum guys dont want it dosent mean we all dont ok . but it so dangerous for a guy to commit nowadays let me explain . we are taking far more risks than a woman to be commited . we risk everything we have ever accumilated in life on a relationship in a modern world , which lets face it has crappy survival stats right from the beginning , 7/10 marriges fail in the first 5 yrs , and when it ends we lose the kids , more than half of all money and assets , we have to move out and give them the house because the law says so , its a compleatly screwed up system . Once burnt twice shy !!!
To the guy who said the statement above...... maybe you are finding the wrong type of women.... my very soon to be ex husband and I didnt fight about anything.... look deeper when you are finding someone.... not every one want to screw each other out of things... | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:10:16 AM | i dont see a problem with getting committed. if i could actualy find a women that was interested in it as well. seems women arent looking for that. they would rather live the "single life"
To me the sex rolls have reverse now adays. The men seem more passive and want something long term and the women are more into the one night thing or just want to be single.
Am i wrong here? does anyone else see this pattern? | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:16:22 AM |
The reason why less men ask their lady to get married to them is because they are too damn spoiled by women. Women give them sex and everything they would be getting in the marriage. To make a man want to get married to you marriage must have something to offer.
Hmmm . . . maybe the goal of every woman is not to get married.
But let's see, we need to start withholding sex before marriage . . . and what else? Home-cooked meals? Stop darning those socks? Stop listening to men's woes and pretending that we care?
I could almost assure you that he would ask quite fast to get married if I didn´t give him sex. Only problem is that so many women are spreading their legs so fast these days that a man would just move on to the next lady if a woman denied him sex.
Honey, if a man wants to marry you because you withhold sex from him, he isn't worth marrying. Marriage is MUCH more than about sex. If he moved on to the next woman spreading her legs, heave a sigh of relief that he is gone because when your flesh grows a bit stale, he would be gone, anyway. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:17:20 AM |
I put my husband through medical school...gave him children late in life.
So, you didn't want children, but you GAVE your husband one? You are such a saint. Gave your husband a child and didn't get anything in return. I would have thought you would have had a child out of the deal, too. And that you may have won custody in the divorce.
Sorry, but a child isn't an object that you "give" to someone. Unless you mean that you just gave custody to your husband like my ex-wife through our son out of her life. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:25:03 AM |
The reason why less men ask their lady to get married to them is because they are too damn spoiled by women. Women give them sex and everything they would be getting in the marriage. To make a man want to get married to you marriage must have something to offer.
(gwendolyn2008) Hmmm . . . maybe the goal of every woman is not to get married.
But let's see, we need to start withholding sex before marriage . . . and what else? Home-cooked meals? Stop darning those socks? Stop listening to men's woes and pretending that we care?
I could almost assure you that he would ask quite fast to get married if I didn´t give him sex. Only problem is that so many women are spreading their legs so fast these days that a man would just move on to the next lady if a woman denied him sex.
(gwendolyn2008) Honey, if a man wants to marry you because you withhold sex from him, he isn't worth marrying. Marriage is MUCH more than about sex. If he moved on to the next woman spreading her legs, heave a sigh of relief that he is gone because when your flesh grows a bit stale, he would be gone, anyway.
I don't know who you're replying to, Gwendolyn, but that's AWESOME. A woman would have to be pretty delusional to believe that marriage, for men, is just about having easy access to sex all the time.
Arlo | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:47:04 AM | Re post 250
"I don't know who you're replying to, Gwendolyn, but that's AWESOME. A woman would have to be pretty delusional to believe that marriage, for men, is just about having easy access to sex all the time."
Very true, when in fact marriage usually destroys the sexual apetite, sooner or later. In this day and age, there are many types of rels for people to choose from, other than marriage and one-nighters. If some women want marriage, well, they are free to do so. What we want in life is one thing, what is available is another. I am sure eg that some people would want to live in the Middle Ages or Rennaissance or the Far West or 1890's Victorian England. Or the 1950s. Of the Woodstock era! Or the caveman's times! But in the absence of a time machine though, that want cannot be realised!!! lol
Accusing other women of "sexual dumping" (to paraphrase the "social dumping" or "anti-dumping" concepts in trade) by "offering" sex to men "too easily" strikes me, as a rationale, of the rationales of people who are monopolists, oligopolists and communists and those, who in general, who hate free markets and freedom of choice for each person and want others to want what they want. Ones who want captive markets or populi to "dominate". Thankfully, there exist the Competitition Agencies and laws to make sure that no one can impose his/her "terms" and that pluralism is safeguarded. As per rels and sex, we can all thank the sexual revolution.
One last point. In past decades, women in Southern European countries tended to use sex as a bargaining tool for marriage. Then came the liberal tourists, in the 1970s and 1980s. and "opened up" the field and offered pluralism in choices, for men and woman. Long live feminism!!!
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:55:00 AM |
It starts with blaming the MAN.......
"The reason why less men ask their lady to get married to them is because they are too damn spoiled by women"
But then you actually show who the REAL problem is...........
"Only problem is that so many women are spreading their legs so fast these days that a man would just move on to the next lady if a woman denied him sex."
Listen toots....it's GREAT that you want to try to attempt to make the woman the VICTIM here.....It's also great to try to make a FEEBLE attempt at putting the blame on all those TRASHY women who are spreading their legs so fast verses the one who...ehem..."DENIES" a man sex.....
If you look at the word closely enough.....to 'DENY' is a VERB.....an ACTION....it is also an action of...........survey SAYS.......CONTROL.....
So....it has NOTHING to do with SEX as to whether a man will or will not commit...it DOES have everything to do with being 'CONTROLLED'.......and women are the FIRST to control by USING sex......GIVING....OR...DENYING.......
It wouldn't be so BAD if women weren't in fact born with that little button on top of that vagina called a CLITORIS, which allows YOU to have an orgasm just like ANY OTHER MAN OUT THERE....... So don't pretend it's not there...and that sex to you is some sort of SERVICE you have to perform to GET THE MAN.....poor....poor little damsel..........
Until you understand it's about NOT BEING A CONTROLLING BIATCH that makes a man actually WANT to commit.........you'll never REALLY get the clue.....
Just had to rep0st the reply by pair o docks
I just thought it was funny and got buried in the muck of replies..........
My personal thoughts as to why men don't what to commit, well I think the institution of marriage has been abused by both sides lately.....wed, divorce, wed, divorced.....what ever happened to till death do us part..........I have a friend at who is celebrating his 30th anniversary..... if he lives well into retirement he will hit the 50th.........we don't see that type of commitment too much these days.........through good times and bad..........and the only reason I can think of is that the couples getting married these days either don't love each other to begin with, which is probably another topic to explore, or the love in the relationship that was present in the beginning never grew.......was never nourished so to speak.......it never matured.........I could be wrong............usually am.................... | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:17:59 AM | There was a whole thread done on this subject of men want to be needed, yet not one man could clearly identify what he wanted to be needed for. Then they did a flip flop and said they just wanted to be wanted..........so I'm still scratching my head on this one. In all my years on planet earth, I've not met a man yet that actually wanted to be needed......and most of the men I've met have had the attitude of "what's in it for me."
Rubbish. Obviously you did not read the replies that men wrote, or you did not want to understand what men posted. I was one of the males who responded on that long thread, and I stated clearly what men tend to need. Namely two simple things -- comfort and respect. A lot of us would also like family and the sense of accomplishment that brings. External factors such as career, health, home, respect of peers, member of community, etc are also important. But I guess you glanced over that because it was not something you thought men wanted. Eyes wide open please if you are going to ask such questions.
Marriage is no longer on the list of things that we consider a positive thing, or required in order to have a "family". This is especially an issue since often a "family" is what a woman determines it will be. When a man has input then conflict and argument occurs, and the most common result of that is divorce. There is a big lack of mutual parenting these days, and that is leading to a lot of social problems -- failed marriages just being one factor.
I suggest you go back and reread that thread a lot more carefully (assuming it was not erased or removed -- which seems to happen when men speak in hard truths). This time when you read it you should do so from an objective viewpoint. There were a lot of sensible replies if you could overlook the kneejerk responses of some women on that thread who were critical of men in general, and did not want to hear what was posted.
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:24:57 AM | | Men didn't want to get into committed relationships 30 years ago, either. Why should now be any different? Writing as someone who is "over the hill" and looking back on life, I think the people in committed relationships have better sex lives. But, you really have to be with someone you love, etc., and not just settling for a pulse and wallet. A healthy sex life is important to me. I want to settle down again. It's the only way to go. I mean, taking care of a house, cooking, paying bills, etc., it's only REASONABLE. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:28:23 AM |
Why men don´t want to get committed these days
(NOTE - I use the term "you" not as in a specific person, just to make a general point)
I think most men do want to commit to a great person who is a life partner and makes them happy.
Unfortunately I think too many women out there get insulted when the men they really want don't want to commit to them.
"He must be scared, he must fear commitment!"
No, he just doesn't want to spend his life with you. He will gladly though spend it with someone else.
"He has it too good, I've spoiled him, I should have given less!"
No, he just doesn't want to spend his life with you. He will gladly though spend it with someone else.
"He has so many options for sex with women spreading their legs!"
No, he just doesn't want to spend his life with you. He will gladly though spend it with someone else.
If anyone chooses not to commit to one specific person, it's because they feel deep down there are more drawbacks than positives in that particular situation. That's human nature, for men and for women.
You can blame others for not wanting you, but it does not change the fact that they just don't want you.
If a man doesn't want to commit to you, he just doesn't want to spend his life with you. He will gladly though spend it with someone else. It's called a choice. Stop blaming men for making the choices that they think will make them happy, even if it doesn't include you. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:44:05 AM | Well I dont know what world your living in, you need to come back to earth.. because
men want sex, and when woman put out, why should that man commit to her,when he knows alls he has to do is call her and she will sleep with him again. which why i say
why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.... | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:59:23 AM | Re post 259
"..why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free...."
I find this expression so insulting for women, especially when it is said/written by women.
Do some women think that all they have that can attract and keep a (non-commitment manic) man is sex? That POV so degrades and under-values women.
Are some/many women really today still so hang-up on the marriage thing? Even on LTRs? Why are they so "LT" minded? Why do thet REALLY need to be? Is it a left over habit of centuries past?
Of all people, I would think that it is modern women who do not need a man, but want a man in their life, for certain things, not as an "inhouse pet", for good sex and good convo.
Which brings me to my point: How many men and women really have common interests and things to discuss about? Is that not the main reason that in the modern times men and women have no reason to be together other than sex, hugs and romance? Because, still most women and men have no topics of common interest to "buddy" on?
And this "commitment" card has been over-used. In 2008, women who want to build a rel of any duration (eg 2-5 years) with a man should IMO lose all the commitment, bonding, etc concepts and look for the foundations for such rels in more "intellectual" areas. A woman who wants to be in a rel with a man for even a few years needs IMO to become his "buddy" (and of course, vice-versa). Else the duration of a rel is strictly based on the Eros/Romance component and that usually only lasts a few weeks or months. Ah, if all women were like Cameron (Diaz)!!! A woman who can "beltch" like she does is the relationship material woman of 2008! lol I am serious, in a way. not the beltching per se, but the common interests !
Guys only "commit" to their buddies, so if a woman wants a man to commit to her she must aim for "buddy" status. But that means certain things. Do women have real "buddies"?
Does one hear a man ask for "commitment" from his (male) buddy? No! Because commitment is something that comes naturally BETWEEN BUDDIES!
PS. And while at it, IMO the "partner" terminilogy and mindset has to be "lost" as well. It is such a lame term, "partner", yikes! They do not own a "corporation" together or a law firm! Commitment, SO, partner, etc: Terms and concepts to dump! Even BF/GF is "better" than all those! Boy-Friend. Note the Friend part of the term!
PS2. "Soul Mates"? Nah! Too "spiritual", and that, spiritualism, is a girlie "hobby'=interest". Sounds scary, as well! Simple "Mate" would work better, IMO. After all, it used to be called "mating".
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:23:08 AM | to post #259.
OK... so you are saying that without sex men would still marry? bull.
Sex is always a very (sometimes VERY) early topic with men. If there was going to be NO SEX ... a man would marry for companionship? yeah, right.
If the only choices were the ones available in the long dead past were still true today this discussion wouldn't be happening. Namely: sex was only available in marriage, or with a slut which would ruin your rep and interfere with dating a decent woman, or a prostitute. In fact, in the 1800s a man who wasn't married was looked on as suspect and found getting a good job very hard.
Only problem today is that nearly every woman out there is putting out with no commitment... and then coming into the forums to cry about how she was used!!
So.. let's talk about that commitment. without marriage neither party has any say in medical emergencies. neither party has any inheritance rights. neither party has any protection in the law.
After 26 years of the non-marriage so-called commitment... I learned the hard way... he walked. I quit working to raise our children. End result... I was left with next to nothing.
So... a woman who walks into the ' no marriage/play house' situation is going to be the looser. commitment is marriage. anything else is just words....and mean nothing before the law.
would you buy a house without a legal document closing the deal? would you invest money without a legal document showing you made the purchase? Why would a woman give the years of her life away and have nothing in exchange?
Still... the reality is that nearly every woman is leaping into bed with no commitment...with the result... men have NO REASON to marry. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:31:46 AM | why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free..
I dont give free milk....you have to pay for it.nothing in this world is free..lucky **stards are those people who get milk for free. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:02:14 AM |
Do some women think that all they have that can attract and keep a (non-commitment manic) man is sex? That POV so degrades and under-values women.
I don't.
Personally I think all men want sex, which makes them human - I can relate, I want it too. The more important issue is whether or not they like the woman they're having sex with outside the bedroom. IMO what makes a woman marriage material is having a laundry list of qualities that make her someone he wants to be around anywhere else - the bedroom part may be easy, but being a down to earth, smart, funny, happy, whatever he's into type is most likely the key.
Therefore what a woman offers a man BESIDES sex may be what actually sways his decision (intangibles, not money or status or anything of that sort). It stands to reason, then that if all you technically have going on is sex and nothing else, then I doubt he'll see you as marrying material (or even dating material).
Personally I don't think sex has ever been an issue for men who REALLY wanted it, nor do I think it has anything to do with marriage (unless getting married guarantees he'll never have sex again, of course). Since the beginning of time, men have been able to pay for sex, among other things (regardless of how low he may think it is to stoop to do so, it's still an option). | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:44:57 AM | | I'm trying to figure out why this stuff always seems to come down to "men want sex". Am I the only woman out there that wants sex just as much as any man? It always starts to sound like women don't like sex and only do it to make men happy. If that's the case for so many, I feel really sorry for them. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:57:51 AM | kthyg,
Hell no! My ex husband could take it or leave it. It's what ultimately ended our marriage, he had no interest in sex at all. I've got plenty of married girlfriends who will attest to the fact that male lack of interest is far more prevalent than media stereotypes want to admit.
I know a guy who complains his wife isn't interested in sex. She's heard this ad nauseum for years. Finally she burst out, "I'm plenty interested in sex, but 12 seconds of foreplay and 2 minutes of pumping at me until you get off is BORING. I'm not interested in BORING sex. | |
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