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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:49:35 AM | Where are these women learning this ridiculous assumption?
its not an assumption--its a fact ive experienced it---why some people like YOU thinks YOURE SMART and knows everything???which in fact such a dumb ass??? | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:52:23 AM | The whole "why buy the cow if the milk is free" belief.........
I have a few close friends who are in their very late 30's.......and they've been in long term relationships (3-5+ years) and they very much want to marry their boyfriends but the boyfriend seems to be content not to. These women are successful, good careers, independent and self-supporting, good heads on their shoulders, very giving and caring and are a real 'best friend' to their boyfriends. They want to settle down, build a real life together, have a family together.......but the guy is content to keep things as they are. It's tough for these women because they love the guy, they've invested their life and heart and love into it and they realize that the reality of being able to have a child if they get too old is something that has to be considered. So they're at a crossroad; do they 'move on' because the guy doesn't want to settle down and build a real life together - and be out there in the single world having to start all over with someone new (and there's no guarantees they'll find someone who wants these same things) or do they "wait" even longer? From what I see about these relationships, these women have made it too easy for the guy. He's got it made in the shade. A great partner and a best friend and all the perks and benefits that go along with it, but still, for all intents and purposes, is a 'single guy' who can come and go as he pleases.
I dated someone who started out our relationship assuring me that all he was looking for was the "right" person to settle down and make a life with; he hated dating. He wanted to be married, build a life, have a family (even if it was only 1 child). And he talked a lot about wanting these things but he never took any steps to make them happen. He then made me feel that I had to "prove" to him that I'd be good wife material.............come over to his place and cook for him, help him around his house, always be there for him, basically "act" the part of a wife to show him. And I did that. But what a good deal for him. And in the end, he was sitting back and reaping the benefits of having someone who acted like a 'wife' - who made his life easier, who was always there for him, who he could always count on, who looked out for him, who has a very successful career making as much as much $ (or more than) most men...............but he had no intention of making a commitment to me and following through on making a real life with me. It was all just 'talk' to keep me in his life and to keep me believing that we were working toward a common goal. It was a very one-sided relationship. While I was made to believe that i had to show him I was 'wife material' (or a "good woman" as he put it), he arrogantly never believed he had to show ME that he was husband material.
I made it too easy for him and I guess I played his game; a game I was never going to be able to win. Healthy relationships don't include game-playing and selfish manipulation and bogus promises about making a life together. It's more than just words about "I want to settle down with you, you're the one I want to spend my life with" -- it's about taking action. Words are cheap.
Looking back, I am embarassed that I busted my hump to "prove to him" that I was wife material. I shouldn't have to rush home from a long day at work, run around my home trying to shower and get ready, rush out to get groceries and run to his house and make him a 5 star meal in an attempt to show him I'm wife material. Shame on me for having bought into that BS and manipulation. I think deep down I knew what was going on, at least after awhile..........that I was basically being used. He had all the perks of a 'good lil' woman' who catered to him, who looked out for him, who made his life easier, who had someone who loved him and always showed it............but he didn't have to do anything in return, or keep his promises or his word. His level of commitment was conditional. And in the end, he wasn't committed nor did he want a real level of commitment that was reciprocal. He wanted the perks of married life without having to marry. And I made it too easy for him and for that I take responsibility. Never again will I be manipulated like that. A good lesson learned though a difficult and costly (emotional) one. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:00:28 AM |
Why men don´t want to get committed these days Threads like this are a bit repetitive, the OP is a newbie so I'll cut her a bit of slack for not doing a thread search.
The reason why less men ask their lady to get married to them is because they are too damn spoiled by women. Incorrect. Most legal decisions regarding divorce favor women. This is the primary reason. Read this link. It's a bit lengthy.
http://menforjustice.net/cms/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=22&Itemid=16
Women give them sex and everything they would be getting in the marriage. Incorrect. Women have consensual sex with men. "Giving" sex sounds like free prostitution, which it clearly isn't to the enlightened and progressive thinking individual. Not sure what the everything refers to.
To make a man want to get married to you marriage must have something to offer. Perhaps the ability to share progressive and enlightened thoughts with her man is what a guy is looking for his lady to offer before he contemplates marriage ideas?
Lets say e.g. me and my boyfriend had been together for 2 years and still not a word about marriage That would be because neither he NOR THE LADY started that discussion.
I could almost assure you that he would ask quite fast to get married if I didn´t give him sex. Not necessarily. The quantity and quality of sex is only one marriage criteria.
Only problem is that so many women are spreading their legs so fast these days that a man would just move on to the next lady if a woman denied him sex. That's only a problem if a woman has antiquated views on consensual sex and its value in interpersonal relationships.
Men are just spoiled with the smorgasbord these days. Too bad for women that want to get married. What's actually too bad for women is that more of them don't form an enlightened progressive viewpoint on the value of sex in an interpersonal relationship. Read DJChickie's post in Msg81. She's spot on regarding how women should view their sexual participation in relationships and how to view relationships in general. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:06:22 AM | You are so very right. I could have written that myself. Men have all the benefits of marriage in a "relationship", so why marry. That is why I decided not to have sex before marriage, or I at least want to be engaged. If you give away the milk there is not need to buy the cow!
I would love to chat with you or other like minded women. My email address is: karen_ 80209@yahoo.com
Karen | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:08:35 AM | Oh one more quick comment. The milk/cow pig/sausage analogies are ridiculous. Women aren't cows, men aren't pigs. The better way to view a woman's participation in sexual activities with her partner is to not have sex if there are unresolved relationship issues. If the marriage were truly the lady's concern and it wasn't discussed, the topic would then get discussed before consensual sex would occur. That's about the only logical argument one could really make regarding withholding sex until certain criteria were met. Discuss what your dealbreakers are. When the guy finds out the woman wants all sorts of signs of intimacy development without sexual intimacy being on the same developmental page, now he's got a legitimate dealbreaker. This is really what's going on with the milk/cow analogy. There hasn't been a proper discussion about relationship expectations.
Also the thread title is poorly worded. Marriage and committed relationships are two entirely different subjects. The OP made an assumption that a committed relationship NECESSARILY involves marriage. Clearly this is incorrect. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:15:43 AM | | Bikeman................if you read my response, I make no mention of sex. I don't believe that men won't commit (get married) because we're willing to have sex, I think that's kinda silly and antiquated. Sex isn't something you "give" a man.........it's a mutual act of intimacy and obviously a woman is a willing participant. Frankly, I could never imagine settling down with someone who I hadn't been intimate with............I need to know we're on the same page in terms of intimacy, that we have that 'bond' - that's very important to me. If we don't have it, I wouldn't want to commit the rest of my life to him, that would be foolish. I just think that in some cases, some women end up with men who see no need to make a real commitment because the woman gives too much (there are many more things to give other than sex) such that he pretty much has the perks of a marriage but without the commitment on his part - he can walk away at any time, can do whatever he pleases and can justify it really because he's 'not married.' So then if that's the case, why would he take things to the next level and settle down and make the commitment? - he already has his cake and is eating it too. I think that's a lot of what the OP is alluding to, not just the sex aspect. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:18:51 AM | Sorry honey I cannot agree with you on this one, being a man and all.
I wouldn´t mind at all committing, but it will have to be thee one.
After all marriage is nothing more than a piece of paper, but if that´s what it takes to make a woman happy, no problem with me.
Allthough I must add: Beenn there, done that, and you´re NOT happier wit the little piece of paper, than you would have been without it.
Still I´m maybe closer to doing that same "mistake" all over again that I realize ;-)
//acidjazz
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:34:31 AM | I would like to hope that I find someone who I can fall in love with, have a great bond with and will stay with just because I don't want anyone else and the feeling be mutual.
Why is that so complicated? | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:49:51 AM | I haven't sifted through all 6 pages, but here's my thoughts on why men won't commit:
1) Many have been royally hurt or betrayed by one or more women and thus feel relationships and marriage are a miserable trap than a blessing.
2) Many men see the stories or endure the drama of the divorce where the man gets raped by the wife in court, and thus see it as a death trap than a happy thing.
3) There are a lot of men whom many women think are commitment-phobic because they're never in a relationship, but in actuality they are just having a lot of trouble finding a decent woman. They're the ones women say to death how he would make such a wonderful boyfriend for someone, but yet not one attractive woman will step up to the plate and take a chance with him.
I've been single for six years because every woman I meet becomes a raging headcase. Does this mean I'm a commitment-phobe? Or just unlucky?
4) There are a lot of men who just plainly don't want to commit...period. They like being single, unattached, or even in a relationship with the limit being just a relationship. The single ones want to be able to go after a new woman every week, and are pretty honest with women that they want nothing more than just good times and sex.
UNFORTUNATELY...too many women then see this as the sign of challenge, and thus will then go the extra mile to try to change his mind, all the while rejecting many of the commitment-ready, but "unlucky" males mentioned in point 3.
When they wake up and realize they spent a year or more trying to get a guy to commit when he has no intentions of every changing, then they come on boards like this moaning and complaining why men won't commit.
I've said this part before, and I'll say it again:
Why don't you women who complain about the lack of commitment in men really say what's on your mind? Why don't you just come clean and ask why you can't get the anti-commitment man who could get any woman in the room to see you as more than just a fling? Why don't you just ask why you can't be the "special" one who can tame the untameable? Why don't you just ask why you can't have the exciting guy with his bad boy edge also be loving, committing, and will pick you over all the hotter and younger women he's got drooling over him?
I'll also ask a logical question to the women who complain: Why do you put so much effort on guys you know deep inside won't give you want you want in a relationship? Especially when there are so many guys out there who would give you want you want? Only they don't come packaged as David Beckham or Mr Big...they just come packaged as average good men. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:07:34 AM | If a long-term relationship has all the characterstics and commitment of marriage but without the woman having the "title" of "Mrs.", then why the need for the legalities (since most of the same legalities apply even without registration of the relationship with the "state")?
If the commitment exists, marriage can be superfluous. You can still have children together, build a life together, and be happy. It is quite acceptable these days. Marriage would not change that, except that for some men the institution of marriage is tarnished and may actually destroy the relationship. Perhaps that is why some men aren't interested in marriage, but are interested in a commited relationship. The labelling and formality can be a detriment. A marriage relationship does not guarantee the relationship will last any longer or be any more successful than a commited relationship. To think otherwise seems delusional.
Finally, in a commited relationship, women also have all the supposed benefits of marriage as do men, so why is marriage so important? | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:10:32 AM | Grkboy –
“Many have been royally hurt or betrayed by one or more women and thus feel relationships and marriage are a miserable trap than a blessing.”
So have many women, but there comes a point where you have to leave the baggage behind and make a calculated leap of faith to achieve the happiness we seek.
“Many men see the stories or endure the drama of the divorce where the man gets raped by the wife in court, and thus see it as a death trap than a happy thing.”
My personal theory is that many men on this thread are ONLY aware of how divorce negatively affects their gender and have spent zero time looking at it from any other perspective. Men who play the victim game are losing at the attraction game.
“There are a lot of men whom many women think are commitment-phobic because they're never in a relationship, but in actuality they are just having a lot of trouble finding a decent woman. They're the ones women say to death how he would make such a wonderful boyfriend for someone, but yet not one attractive woman will step up to the plate and take a chance with him.”
I could not agree more. And there are just as many men on this site who say they’re looking for an honest, loyal, down-to earth woman – but really want her to come in a super-model package. But I think once we weed out the delusionary men and women on this site, the numbers of either gender looking for something meaningful is pretty equal.
“I've been single for six years because every woman I meet becomes a raging headcase. Does this mean I'm a commitment-phobe? Or just unlucky?”
Or a third option – maybe YOU are the raging headcase? Just speculating here because of course I don’t know you at all, but the one constant in all of those relationships is you. Maybe there’s something you are doing to attract a particular kind of woman, and maybe you’re not the great guy you suggest you are. I don’t know.
“There are a lot of men who just plainly don't want to commit...period. “
Absolutely!!!! Maybe you could repeat this for all of the women who don’t get it – or think that it will be different WITH THEM, or just plain love a challenge. This is so true!
“Why don't you women who complain about the lack of commitment in men really say what's on your mind?”
Well, I am not complaining about lack of commitment. I’m just lamenting the fact that I’ve no one to commit to Many men will tell you everything you want to hear in order to win you over. But in the end, they are who they are, and if that’s not something you can live with, you are only kidding yourself if you think he’s going to change one whit. He isn’t, no matter how genuine his belief that he can and will. This is experience from multiple relationships talking here and I think even men will admit one of their least favourite traits about women is our notion that ‘we can change you.’ We can’t. I know. Now, will you stop pretending that you will? | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:19:48 AM | ^^^yes, I guess you can have a common-law/live-in relationship that has as much mutual commitment as a marriage-relationship but then on the same hand - playing the devil's advocate - if a guy is that truly committed, why is he so afraid of a little piece of paper - if that's all it is, just a 'piece of paper'?
Some of us see marriage as more than just a piece of paper. It's an outward sign of commitment to your partner; where you stand before your friends and family (and God, for those of us who believe) and you openly make a sacred commitment to join your life with them, and the vows you make aren't just "words" - they're a solemn promise.
Whether you live common-law or married, if one's concern about getting married is that it could lead to divorce and getting taken to the proverbial cleaners, that could happen in a common-law relationship as well, depending where you live. I witnessed this first hand with someone I dated; the lived common-law for a couple of years, had a home together, assets together, investments together -- and when they split, they basically had to get lawyers and go through a legal separation process similar to a divorce. And it wasn't that pretty.
One can very easily protect themself financially prior to marriage (prenup) such that should the marriage end, they don't lose what they came into the marriage with though of course, as is fair and right, they have to equally divide up assets (and debt) they incurred together.
However, if you're someone who values marriage and that's what you are seeking, you're wasting your time with someone who's of the mindset that marriage is "only a piece of paper".............or someone who will marry you, though they see marriage is nothing but an antiquated "institution" but they'll "do it" just to make you happy. That only leads to insecurity and resentment. I myself want to share my life with someone who values marriage as much as I do and if he views it as nothing but a piece of paper....well, been there done that and it was a waste of time. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:23:24 AM | First off...if I came off as mean and/or unfair in my last reply, I apologize. I just am not the type anymore to be all warm and sympathetic in these discussions, but more slapping men and women with what I call "hard reality". I don't mean anything personal on anyone.
So have many women, but there comes a point where you have to leave the baggage behind and make a calculated leap of faith to achieve the happiness we seek.
I agree. I will admit I had baggage until a friend showed me what I became, and I managed to move forward. Love those friends. 
My personal theory is that many men on this thread are ONLY aware of how divorce negatively affects their gender and have spent zero time looking at it from any other perspective. Men who play the victim game are losing at the attraction game.
Agreed again. Despite all the stories I've heard, I'd still give marriage a try. I really believe it can work if both sides are working at keeping it strong and loving. Plus one should take the time to truly know his/her mate before tying the knot.
I could not agree more. And there are just as many men on this site who say they’re looking for an honest, loyal, down-to earth woman – but really want her to come in a super-model package. But I think once we weed out the delusionary men and women on this site, the numbers of either gender looking for something meaningful is pretty equal.
Yeah, but I also think in the whole "looks VS goodness" debate, many men are just looking for a woman of a healthy weight, and I agree that man should also be of the same in terms of health. I know many overweight men and women will go off and say people need to look past that, but let's come to reality here.
Most guys don't want models, but they also don't want hippos. I will also say that I believe women are the same and there is NOTHING WRONG with wanting someone as healthy as yourself.
Or a third option – maybe YOU are the raging headcase? Just speculating here because of course I don’t know you at all, but the one constant in all of those relationships is you. Maybe there’s something you are doing to attract a particular kind of woman, and maybe you’re not the great guy you suggest you are. I don’t know.
I wouldn't call myself a headcase, but that same friend who helped me lose my baggage also showed me that my problem is that I gave women too many chances and was too patient. So I meet a girl who's pretty, charming, interested in me, etc...and after a month she'll suddenly go from normal to therapy case. I needed to learn that I should dump women when they do that, not stick around and try to be supportive, thinking it'll help her get through her own baggage.
I know that also sounds cold, but the advice I was given is pretty much in line with when I tell women to dump a guy when he becomes a jerk to her, not stick around thinking things will get better. I needed to learn that it's ok to launch a woman when she shows me bad behavior.
Absolutely!!!! Maybe you could repeat this for all of the women who don’t get it – or think that it will be different WITH THEM, or just plain love a challenge. This is so true!
Glad you agree. Great minds think alike. 
Well, I am not complaining about lack of commitment. I’m just lamenting the fact that I’ve no one to commit to Many men will tell you everything you want to hear in order to win you over. But in the end, they are who they are, and if that’s not something you can live with, you are only kidding yourself if you think he’s going to change one whit. He isn’t, no matter how genuine his belief that he can and will. This is experience from multiple relationships talking here and I think even men will admit one of their least favourite traits about women is our notion that ‘we can change you.’ We can’t. I know. Now, will you stop pretending that you will?
I agree, and I think both MEN AND WOMEN need to read that. Both genders need to wake up and realize in the dating game that one should first take longer time than is taken to get to know someone before going intimate. Eventually the fasad people put up when looking for a mate vanishes and you see the REAL PERSON.
Plus I think people should discuss what they want in life and be 100% honest. If a guy wants to say he just wants to have fun and have sex, then say it. Maybe a lot of women will get up and leave the table, that's the price one pays...but even with all the commitment-phobic women I've met, I'd say maybe it's a match made in heaven...two people who just want fun, sex, and no commitment.
People just need to stop thinking they have to lie or mislead to get sex, as well as stop thinking someone can be changed. We're human beings, but we're not as "special" as we believe. Not even me. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:41:39 AM | Many men will tell you everything you want to hear in order to win you over. But in the end, they are who they are, and if that’s not something you can live with, you are only kidding yourself if you think he’s going to change one whit. He isn’t, no matter how genuine his belief that he can and will. This is experience from multiple relationships talking here and I think even men will admit one of their least favourite traits about women is our notion that ‘we can change you.’ We can’t. I know. Now, will you stop pretending that you will?
____________________________________________________________
WE have the power of ourselves--test those men who pretends that they will commit which in fact they wont--how about this...... use this mantra:NO COMMITMENT??? NO ***BLEEP**
its a fair game--fair share---at the end if the relationship will not going anywhere...its not going to hurt those women who are vulnerable and feels they have just been used for sex by those men.
again--ive experienced it--i speak through my experienced--ive dated one guy--we got along so well--the chemistry were great--i didnt see on him that he wanted to commit for a relationship---he wanted to sleep with me--i didnt give what he wanted--that was the end of i thought a good dating phase he didnt tell me what he wanted from me that he only wanted a ***bleep*** then i found out that he signed up in one of a dating site he said:no strings fun.
Im glad i didnt sleep with him..or else i would feel like a shithead.
I walked away with dignity intact--if he was a player--he found his match...we women are gifted to live without sex...men couldnt....use that gift...lets see where those men who just want to have just fun go without it. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:43:11 AM | I look at posts like the OP and I have to wonder if maybe I'm living on a different planet, because in the two years I've been divorced I've had sex twice - and Lord knows I've gone on a lot of dates. I do know guys who can "git it" pretty much on demand but it is generally considered (by their peers) that they are the exception, rather than the rule. Of course, since those are the only guys women are paying any sort of attention to, then naturally they're going to think all men are getting a "smorgasboard".
If there is a smorgasboard, then there's a bouncer who's not letting me get near the table. So I generally look at these assertions kinda like Bigfoot; I hear about them from other people, but I've never actually seen 'em myself. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:48:30 AM |
then I could almost assure you that he would ask quite fast to get married if I didn´t give him sex. Only problem is that so many women are spreading their legs so fast these days that a man would just move on to the next lady if a woman denied him sex.
Might one presume by this statement that you will continue to give him sex or run the risk that he wouldl move onto the next "lady" for the same thing?
It is not about sex and the availability of same.
It is about communcation and commitment.
^^BG^^ | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:31:37 PM | Bikeman................if you read my response, I make no mention of sex. I don't believe that men won't commit (get married) because we're willing to have sex, I think that's kinda silly and antiquated. Sex isn't something you "give" a man.........it's a mutual act of intimacy and obviously a woman is a willing participant. Frankly, I could never imagine settling down with someone who I hadn't been intimate with............I need to know we're on the same page in terms of intimacy, that we have that 'bond' - that's very important to me. If we don't have it, I wouldn't want to commit the rest of my life to him, that would be foolish. Wutz, we're on the same page. I tried to answer the OP without going off topic. She's obviously confused regarding the separate issues of marriage, commitment, and sex. She's got all three rolled up into one big issue; they clearly are three separate issues. She's got sex on top of the totem pole, marriage second, commitment third; her thinking seems to be men are just focussed on sex. That may or may not be true. If she's got a three-stacked totem pole as it relates to sex, she ought to clearly communicate that to whatever guy she is dating. My guess is she either doesn't do that, or does that and is appalled that guys aren't working their way up her totem pole.
I just think that in some cases, some women end up with men who see no need to make a real commitment because the woman gives too much (there are many more things to give other than sex) such that he pretty much has the perks of a marriage but without the commitment on his part - he can walk away at any time, can do whatever he pleases and can justify it really because he's 'not married.' Good communication skills solves this dilemma for a woman. A woman who wants commitment and then chooses to have sex with commitment-phobic guys only has herself to blame for her relationship woes.
Many guys don't get married because men typically get hammered in divorce settlements. That makes them less likely to commit to a woman who views the path to marriage as the absolute barometer to judge a guy's commitment. That's the crux of the whole matter. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:36:34 PM | | People that are in long term realtionships say for over 4 years and one wants to get married and the other is not qutie sure if they do but they get married to keep the peace in the realtionship, just how many of these LTR that do get married last as it seams that paper changes people when they get it. Its not the same realtionship some people feel that the paper gives them ownership and control over what other does. of corase its not only in LTR it can happen in STR but the ones in the LTR know each other better than the STR peopel do. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:43:57 PM | | This is why I think talking about eventual goals is important to do early in a relationship. If you're not on the same page and don't want the same things in life, why waste time? For instance, if a guy is totally against the idea of marriage and definitely does not want children, I know he's not going to be a good match for me. Just as someone who doesn't want those things wouldn't likely find me to be a good match. I've learned that I have to accept people just the way they are. If I expect change, I know I'm up for disappointment. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:57:11 PM |
Good communication skills solves this dilemma for a woman. A woman who wants commitment and then chooses to have sex with commitment-phobic guys only has herself to blame for her relationship woes..
It's not always this black and white. What if the guy, from the very beginning, misrepresents what he's looking for? In my case, the guy was very clear from the start that he wanted to settle down and make a life with someone, have a family, create a 'home', grow old with the right person...............but as time passed (over a year), you hear a lot of "gum flapping" about it but see no 'action'? Or maybe what I'm saying is - you can't always tell that someone is commitment-phobic. Unfortunately, it can take time (time that you'll never get back, and life is short - and woman have to consider this more in terms of whether they want to have a child). You certainly don't want to give someone an ultimatum, and you don't want to "rush" marriage because it's a huge step -- so how much time do you invest before you realize they're just stringing you along? 1 year? 2 years? 3 years? Obviously I'm not talking about 20 yr olds here............I'm talking about people in their mid to late 30's/early 40's who have relationship experience, know themselves, know what they're looking for in life.
How do you know you're having sex with someone who's commitment-phobic? Seems to me that only time will tell (particularly if you were mislead) - so then how much time do you continue to invest? You don't want to be hasty and throw away a relationship because someone hasn't proposed at the 12 month mark (or whatever you feel is reasonable) because maybe they just need a little more time but how much more do you give them? how much more of yourself and your heart and love do you invest before it's clear that you're spinning your wheels? Where do you draw the line?
If a guy you're in a serious mature relationship with tells you that he knows you're "the one" and he can't see himself sharing his life with anyone else...........and he tells you to your face that he doesn't just want to "talk" about making a life together but wants to start taking steps...............how much time do you wait for him to take those steps? You don't want to push but you don't want to be strung along.
If a guy can tell you that he wants to share his life with you, wants to build a life, can't imagine sharing it with anyone else then shouldn't he be ready to propose to you right then? So if he doesn't propose, isn't he just talking out his a$$ and giving you nothing but lip-service? That's what I experienced. | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:07:47 PM | It's not always this black and white. What if the guy, from the very beginning, misrepresents what he's looking for? Wutz, I'm not being hyper-critical about your experience. Obviously if somebody's actions don't match their words, you have a dilemma--is the lack of action a dealbreaker?
so how much time do you invest before you realize they're just stringing you along? 1 year? 2 years? 3 years? That varies for different people. Maybe half a year is reasonable. Whatever you decide of course is what is right.
How do you know you're having sex with someone who's commitment-phobic? You don't know. Same token, you don't know that you're having sex with someone who would rake you over the coals in a divorce settlement if during marriage something just "snaps" with their concept of their commitment to you. It's a crapshoot. You make your best estimation of commitment and go with it.
I'm sucks when you are strung along. Sorry that happened to you Wutz.  | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:10:17 PM | wutznot2love ...sorry it happened to you.
prolly he didnt mislead you,prolly it took him some time that he did not want to commit and when he found out--he chickened out? | |
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| Why men don´t want to get committed these days
Posted: 5/23/2008 1:18:25 PM | Well as far as being raked over the coals in a divorce settlement, can't a person take reasonable steps, proactively, to help lessen the chances?
I mean, if I were to remarry, I would want to ensure that all I've worked for (my home, my pension, etc) can't be 'taken' should the marriage end. Some women are actually pretty successful and stand to potentially lose more than some men! (not to sound arrogant).
I guess I don't understand the mindset behind taking someone to the cleaners. I was divorced 14 yrs ago and I was obviously entitled to half the equity in our home, etc etc. But he was such a rotten SOB, I wanted nothing. I willingly signed over the title to our home. I took only what I came into the marriage with and was more than fair (much more) when it came to dividing up our combined assets. I wanted nothing from him. I wanted a clean break and knew someday I would take great pride and personal satisfaction in buying a home all on my own - with money I had worked for, with my own blood sweat and tears.........and that's what I did. I guess we all know that not everyone sees it the same way..............but anyone who would be in a relationship with me would learn that I was raised to respect myself, to be fair, to not try to get pleasure from "screwing someone." | |
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