| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:15:11 AM | | I dont know if you've found a resolution or not, but did u tell her that it upset you that she was snooping, have u told her u care, or even maybe love her, and that she doesnt trust you bothers you. You would be surprised how much communicationg your true feelings can help a reltionship. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:15:56 AM | If your girlfriend says "you are too good for me" believe it.
She knows herself much better than you do. Trust her opinion and go find someone else. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:16:04 AM | Did you join this site before you met her?
I'll say this though, even though you aren't cheating, she still doesn't know that. She probably just noticed you were acting different and got curious. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:28:15 AM | Just spoil her. Do everything you can do for her. The dog analogy someone's brought up is a great way to look at it. I've known one 50-year-old woman who was dying of insecurity in a new relationship, they've made it and are now one of the closest and the happiest couples I've ever known. They are excellent communicators though. As long as YOU are secure enough, you can handle it and make it go away. Are you?
And yes, change your profile. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:16:12 AM | First off change your profile.
Second, if you love her why are you talking about dumping her. If it really was love you felt you would have already figured out what to do about her insecurities.
And lastly, relationships take work, especially with someone who has insecurities from past relationships. Theres no magic thing you can do that will somehow fix it. Your best bet is to be understanding and caring and try and be as accommodating to her as much as possible. If you think you're going to fix all that by coming on here and asking all of us how to do that then maybe SHE is better off with someone else.
And for gods sake, take down your profile!!!! Cancel it, delete it, wipe POF off your browser history. If your gf is insecure and she opens up your profile and sees this headline;
"Canadian_Loser : Looking for a nice, intelligent woman"
All her insecurities are going to come out, and she'll think you don't think she's nice, nor intelligent. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 3:41:15 PM | OP: In any relationship (whether it even be a friendship), insecurity will cause nothing but problems down the road. If she's that insecure now, it won't get any better no matter how much you try to "prove" to her that she has nothing to worry about. Her issues of insecurity she has with you, (and probably would have with anyone she's dating) have to be addressed first and foremost before you can really move foreward with her if that's what you choose to do. The foundation of any healthy relationship begin with trust and confidence within yourself first, then in your partner.
It isn't up to you to fix her. You can't. She has to overcome her self-esteem and insecurity issues herself or she'll exhibit the same behaviour with the next guy she dates.
Good luck with whatever decision you make. 
Sans | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 3:46:24 PM | | You should tell her to see a counselor. Please do not just dump her. That will hurt her forever. Explain to her nicely that if she doesn't change, the relationship will need to end. She also needs encouragement and told about the good things that she does. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:12:02 PM |
Please do not just dump her. That will hurt her forever.
This is exactly the effect she is hoping for... relationship blackmail. "don't leave me, don't hurt me"
Think about it... why does someone say "I'm not good enough for you?" They want a response. They expect special treatment because of their weakness. They expect you to forgive their irrational behavior because they have an excuse.
It's manipulation and don't buy into it. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:40:38 PM | Permit me,please ,..... .. ..to just mirror back to you .......what you have said..2 key points ...................this is what you sound like....
""or should I just dump her ass.""
""and she isn't a whore,"""
#1 And this is the woman you love??? hmmmm...you insist you care about this girl.....truly ..you said ....Well,where I come from loving someone also means that respect is a given........the language you choose about said gf...behind her back...
not indicating respect or love...imho
"" so I'm pretty stupid."""
# 2... I concur....Perhaps she is not the only one insecure in this relationship.You keep blaming her..where is your part in all of this? | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:42:12 PM | | PAY ATTENION TO HER!!! Her insecurity is caused by not feeling that you're spending your whole heart on her . . It's your job to romance and stay in touch, and send a flower or two, a card . . . once in a while, and COMMUNICATE . . . If that doesn't work, dump her, she's probably got a lot more problems than what you can deal with........... | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:50:24 PM | | So you are "thinking about dumping her ass" over THAT? You sound WAY too immature to be in a relationship if you talk/think like that. Early 20's=TOO YOUNG TO BE IN A ONE ON ONE RELATIONSHIP. You should be bangin around not settling down. Sillyness! | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:21:24 PM | | Who do you think you are kidding? You have met some one else who rattles your chain. You are one of those "grass is always greener characters" and you want someone on here to validate your behavior. Dump her! I am sure she will find someone better!! | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:22:23 PM | Nobody's perfect dear....you say she has more good qualities than bad so cut her some slack....after all she is young & I vagely remember being that age...lol....I'm sure there is a reason that she is not completely secure in your relationship.
Just my opinion....my last boyfriend had a tendicy to make me feel that way at times....talk to her....communication is the best answer..... | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:50:43 PM | | The reason so many people are insecure now in days is because it is such a common occurrence that people cheat while in a relationship. i know i have been on both ends of it. and i think that if it urks you that badly then it is something possibly on your end. if you have nothing to hide, give her your passwords. and she should do the same for you. a relationship is compromise to the fullest extent of the word. if you see your self with this girl then get over it. something so trivial should not be a deal breaker for someone you could spend the rest of your life with. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:17:59 PM | Typical tripe... the girls assume attack the OP and accuse of him of cheating because he is on a dating site, when most of them are usually just here to shoot sh*t themselves LOL.
I've given it some more thought since my last post, and can honestly now say, based on personal experience, things are likely only to get worse. It might be only some small prying around for now, but wait till you happen to notice a woman in the mall, or going down the street, and she isn't in a good mood at that particular time. It will be the first tear-ridden, guilt-mongering argument of many to come. Or not, if she can actually see you are sincere with her.
If you can accept all women are nuts when it comes to being jealous of other women, you'll do fine in life :) (I mostly kid here). | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:21:39 PM |
So you are "thinking about dumping her ass" over THAT? You sound WAY too immature to be in a relationship if you talk/think like that. Early 20's=TOO YOUNG TO BE IN A ONE ON ONE RELATIONSHIP. You should be bangin around not settling down. Sillyness!
pbaby21, I have to agree. Why settle down and get in a relationship? You have many more years left to be "taken" and miserable LOL
Who do you think you are kidding? You have met some one else who rattles your chain. You are one of those "grass is always greener characters" and you want someone on here to validate your behavior. Dump her! I am sure she will find someone better!! More typical tripe... I would respond with something clever, if only the poster had said anything that was sensible or (unlikely) true. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:26:02 PM | | Just my opinon and the way I feel about the whole situation... To me there is NOTHING that turns me off more in a woman then insecurity. I don't care how much of a supmermodel you look like, how well you can cook, how much we have in common, I have a ZERO tolerance for insecurity... Trust me bro its a road I've been down and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. God forbid your in a relationship with the chic or even married and your out in about with the fellas and your cell phone dies LOL catch my drift ?? The whole go'n tru private things would have been enough for me to kick her too the curb harder then David Beckem kick'n a soccer ball. But honestly all that aside your in your early 20's ... ENJOY life bro !! Your way to young to be go'n through all that bull shyt. You dont' wanna be the guy that missed out on all the fun when he was young. Now some 10 years later your the divorced guy with kids, pay'n child support lost your house to the wife. Thats in the club in the bar try'n to be the young guy all over again.. Have fun, take your time, ENJOY life.. You mentioned there are plenty of girls that would date you.. keep your options open.. Trust me when I say you do NOT want to deal with an insecure chick.. Good Luck Canadian Winner.. Trust me this is one battle you do not want to lose !! | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:30:14 PM | First off man, there's some absolutely horrible advice in this thread... sorry to see you getting lambasted just for coming on here to ask a question. (Second off, change your handle... anyone who calls themselves "Loser" is not exactly in the right frame of mind...)
Your girl is insecure because, drum roll, she does not feel secure with you. Chances are, you're more amazing than any guy she's been with. You have to do more things to make her feel secure. Yes, to an extent it's your responsibility; however, you also have to make sure you pick the right girl for a relationship. Is she a quality girl worthy of a relationship with you? That's for you to answer.
If the answer is yes, you need to make her feel more secure. You can do this by qualifying her more -- let her know the things about her that you like (more than just looks). When she does something you like, tell her. When she shows a quality you admire, tell her. When you notice how passionate she is, or how creative, or how driven, or whatever, TELL HER. "I love how passionate you are, GF." "You are so creative, I absolutely love that about you." "I like how affectionate/driven/independent/whatever you are, GF; it's one of my favorite qualities in a woman."
She needs to know WHY you like her. This seems to be the major hurdle she's encountering. Let her know why (and be certain what you say is sincere), and she will love you for it. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:32:23 PM | Gotta agree with Larwilliams.. God forbid your at the mall and see a hot chick that you maybe went to high school with and she comes up to you and give you a hug. Or your out with your girl and the waitress smiles at you.. Yeah dude.. You need to run like Forrest Gump !  | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/22/2008 11:50:03 PM | reading your post
one aspect can across very clear - - - -
this, that, my privacy, this, that - - - -
a woman wants to know she is loved and not just by words or being taken.
that provides security to her and helps her grow
This means sharing, this means trusting her - - - you do not - - you are very protective of many aspects of your life - - - - you order her in your statements - - not listening to her and her feelings - -
She needs to simply be held at times - - - not for a minute but as long as it takes. - - and not held simply as a prelude to taking her - - - - - It is being held - - not pressuring - - allowing things to happen as she wants - - with her trust and faith in you - - - showing loving and care and not simply desire to take her - - - again your comments about her imply this about your relationship - - -
Not once did you mention anything more than - - she is clean, she is not a drunk, she keeps the house clean - - and good in bed and not a whore - - -
where are the long walks - - talking and holding hands - - this says to a woman - - he does love me for more than what is between my legs. Where is the simply taking time for each other - - - that provides security and helps her out of her issues - - - -
Jim P. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:12:12 AM | Trust is a simple thing - you either give it or you don't. It's a bunch of idiots over-analyzing it that makes it so complicated. As for insecurity, I have no time for it. Either you trust me or you don't. If you don't, we won't be in a relationship. Maybe business, maybe friends (hey, I know people that I can have a great time with, but they can't be trusted to look out for anything other than their own interests - which I've found endlessly amusing, as that generally bites them in the ass and they still never learn), but I don't trust many people at all, and certainly not ones that don't return the trust. The ones I do, I trust unconditionally. I've recently started seeing someone I met here, and haven't updated my profile. Need to do that, but until I do, it's up to them to trust me not to be playing games. They're already aware that I have a pen-pal on here, and I don't need to play games to prove my worth. The same as I don't need to justify myself to anyone (even my SO). If I say something once, I mean it. If I have to say it twice, you've pissed me off.
Trust and love are simple things. It's people that are complex, and the dumber (or more unbalanced) the person, the more complex these simple concepts become. Another thing - people can always be trusted (or predicted) to be their self - good, bad, or indifferent. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:49:12 AM | | Oh brother be careful here. Your situation is very familiar as I used to be on the same boat. Sound like she has a fear of abandonment, usually this is a result of a parent abandoning the child at an early age either due to divorce or separation as well as previous unstable relationships. There is probably a very good likely hood that she will cheat on you if you stay with her. I know that that sounds crazy since she appears to be the one that is insecure, but its like a switch that goes of in their minds. The only hope for you is to go to counseling with her. This will not be a 2 or 3 visit trip, it may take months. There are some deep seeded issues here that need to surface and be dealt with properly. If you really love her than maybe that journey will be worth it, but it will be alot of work. In my case I tried but its tough to help someone when they do not see the issue for themselves. Although I have healed, the scar will always be there and its a constant reminder of the past. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:39:58 PM | I haven't looked at your profile and I'm new to this site, but I have something to say =)
I think we (as woman) all feel insecure at times - only because woman are brutal ... am I too fat ... am I attractive enough ... am I doing enough ... am I doing too much for this relationship?
It sounds to me like one of her friends might have seen your profile on-line and put a bug in her ear - especially if she has any insecure single friends - my neighbor used to sabotage my encounters all the time, what she didn't realize is most men I date I've known for a long time and when she would leave, we'd laugh at her. My mother and sister are good for stirring the pot as well if they find any dirt on someone I'm dating.
It sounds to me like you met a nice girl but maybe not "the" girl? You are past the first exciting 3 months, decided to keep seeing each other, now it might be time to think about the one step further - would you take it there? If not, you might be settling for fear of not meeting anyone else.
I meet so many people (mostly men) in miserable marriages that boils down to one of the partners (either one) not growing up. It's hard to ask for relationship advice because everyone likes to believe in cupids and the magical powers of fairy dust - that is just flat out unrealistic. As you are discovering, relationships are not easy.
As far as complimenting her, it's not flattering if it is not sincere or if you over do it. I am sorry to say that most catering men are the players who you can't trust. Every guy thinks he is a nice guy and his friends encourage and support his attempts at relationships ... and sometimes I think its just about pushing the guy out of their lives because the definition is too subjective.
It is also important to make her feel like she is part of your world, and included in the things you do. I stopped seeing a guy once because I caught him on-line which is where we met - case closed and it had nothing to do with insecurities. It felt a little off and that was all I needed to make my decision.
On the other hand, if she is girl that requires constant reassurance, it has nothing to do with old boyfriends treating her badly, she should have already taken the time to get past that stuff - she may just be high maintenance or immature. And if all her boyfriends have in fact treated her badly, then maybe she is the problem?
I have never had anyone "treat" me bad ... have they make bad choices, yes ... did I over look some huge red flags, yes ... see where I'm going?
Good luck in whatever you decide to do and always remember that some people are much easier to get along with than others, so don't put yourself in a situation where you aren't getting from the relationship what you need to feel healthy, productive, and alive. And if she is not the one, by all means, break it off, be honest and don't drag it out so that either of you become more attached. I would much rather be alone than with someone who isn't on my same page.
And the working together deal, just adds another layer of complication. If one of you have the ability to transfer, it might be a good idea. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:47:47 PM | Please OP, do her a favor and let her go. After reading about your profile and how you talk and refer to her. Give her a break and let her go.
She needs someone better. | |
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| Insecure Girls
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:52:46 AM | Okay, considering I am only 20, let me shed some light on insecure girls... Considering at your age this is probably what she is as well...
First off, YES we can become "LESS" insecure, but that insecurity rarely diminishes completely out of sight and out of mind. I never had confidence until I started losing weight and began noticing that yes, I was actually not that bad looking. I grew up believing I was disgusting and a horrible person. (Being the daughter of a woman who suffered from borderline personality disorder, doesn't help self-esteem) It took me a very long time, and trials of rough relationships and rocky roads. Now that I have lost 150 pounds in the last two years on my own, I finally am living for myself and making MYSELF happy. I've found that I barely have any insecurities... Sure they peek around the corner on rare occasions. However, they certainly have become less. So the answer the that question is yes.
Second of all, there are quite a few women out there who do SNOOP through wallets, computers, duffel bags, or anything you might carry or hide something within. I will tell you now, that arguing about it and getting mad at them, will only spite yourself. Because, if you argue, many of those women feel you are being defensive. This tells them that you really do have something to hide, which may cause more snooping and more fighting. So, honestly keep it to yourself after you have said "Please, do not do this again. This is my personal space and I admonish you not to intrude." Plain and simple.
Now, as for dumping her because she is so insecure. You need to decide if you can help her in any way, shape, form, or manner of such to improve her self-esteem. Compliment her in ways she normally isn't complimented. If she disputes the compliment, simply don't reply. Honestly, women who discard good comments towards themselves, well something is wrong that even the word beautiful can not mend.
If you can not help her in any way improve the way she views herself in general and in her relationship with you, I would recommend yes breaking the relationship off. Because in the end your efforts will not be seen nor taken to heart. Your compliments merely mean nothing, because they are rejected. Also, coming from what my male friends have said to me; it does hurt when you think someone is the most amazing person in the world and they think they are lower than an amoeba on a piece of dirt on a flea.
There is a saying, you can not love someone else until you can love yourself. This statement is honestly true. You can love a family member or a friend even if you do not love yourself. But to love someone has a partner and as an equal; it's treachery to beat yourself up, when all they seek to do is provide you a solid foundation which to build upon. Yet, if you are constantly moving the supports and getting things out of whack because you don't "feel" like they should be supporting you. Well, there is nothing further they can do.
To me it sounds like she needs to work on herself. If you break up with her, don't be rude. But rather gentle about it. She really sounds to me like she needs to be single for a while, and be herself. Truly learn that she is an amazing person. That she DOES have something to offer someone, and if you can be her friend during all of this; more power to you.
Well, good luck! Happy Fishing!
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