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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:22:49 AM |
Maybe NO BAGGAGE means no romantics? Could be...
I think NO BAGGAGE is code for "I am very young, have learned all I know about love from watching television, and believe the words of love songs are real. I also want Mr./Ms. Perfect Right Now, not some HUMAN that might change."
Normal people wh0 have had normal relationships have baggage. It's the neophytes that don't.
But they will. OH, how they will! 
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:42:28 PM | Several years ago I noticed the repetitious theme of "No Baggage, Please" on Match.com, and asked the man I was seeing at the time what it meant, assuming he'd talk about people who have unfinished emotional business, etc.
Instead, he said "Most guys who say 'no baggage' mean no encumbrances or hassles--no kids, outstanding debts, student loans, mortgages, needy pets, nasty bosses, 24-hour on-call beepers, or elderly parents. Mostly the same guys who want a 'wash-n-go' or 'spontaneous' partner. Translation: no strings, no depth, don't hassle me with your day-to-day real life -- and don't gripe if you find out I'm married....You decide how shallow that is!"
I decided it may be shallow, but it's honest.
Of course...how many people looking for a partner with "no baggage" can claim themselves to be 'baggage-free'?
Just wondering... 
CJ | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:59:48 PM |
Isn't that what love is,? Accepting someone for who they are? Accepting them, and their "Baggage". (Illnesses, unresolved issues, family, emergencies and emotional crisis) I think the no baggage remark is selfish, and they want a superficial relationship, without commitments, conflicts, or compassion. I say up front, that if you won't be there for me in a crisis MOVE ON!. To me that is the very definition of Love.
I know we aren't suppose to mention previous relationships. But, I was married for 33 yrs, if I never mention my ex, children, or anything that happened, I leave out from 19-52yrs of my life. I think that is stupid, as long as I don't burden my date with the details of my divorce, or rag on my ex for hours. He was a big part of my life, and mentioning him in passing, as we went somewhere, or an art piece is like his drawing shouldn't diminish the time on my current date. I fully expect widowers I date to mention their ex's. If not, I wouldn't want them for a partner. lol
To me, being there in the bad times, means you are worthy to be there during the good ones.
Aleyrebel,
I am the OP and have read most if not all the posts to my original. But so far, no one has summed it up better then you. I agree, when I see a profile that I might be interested in,
the interest stops with the words "no baggage"
And I mean that both ways. If she says she has no bagagge or if she says she will not see a guy that has baggage.
If she says she has no baggage, red flags go up, she either never loved, never lost someone, or had some other type of tragedy in her life. Or maybe she just does a good job of hiding her baggage. If that's the case, I am not interested because she would be the type that would not be open and honest. A must have for me. Just as my own need to be completely open and honest with a woman I might want to get to know. I'd call it a lie by omission.
In my last relationship the lady had enough baggage to fill a cruise liner! Did it stop me from fallng in love with her? NO! In fact, if it did anything, it made me fall more in love with her. Maybe for the wrong reasons. I wanted to be that one male that would never hurt her and be more understanding and giving. Her demons( baggage) made her shale I say, less then affectionate and somewhat hard hearted and prone to run when she felt she was perhaps caring to much for someone. Well it did not work so she is now an ex.
She ran and caused me to have more baggage myself! Let's say her baggage was way to heavy for me to carry. I tried. I now feel somewhat honored to at least been given the chance to knock down the understandable wall around a otherwise wonderful woman's heart.
So if a profile says she does not want baggage... it tells me she does not have the same compassion, understanding and acceptance of life's burdens. Like Alleyrebel said, it tells me she might be selfish and have less ability to be there for me when and if something else happened on this trip called life | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:12:54 PM | ahhhh Jim...you haven't lost a step my friend!
everyone has baggage...it's whether or not you know how to deal with it that counts. Putting it on the shelf, or back burner, only causes you grief later on. Deal with it when it happens, and you'll always be on top of things.
If you have no baggage, you haven't lived! as OP puts it! | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:25:54 PM | | Baggage is a load of crap you carry around with you from relationship to relationship, getting heavier with each Oh woe is me, why didn't it work out. History is the sum of experiences you have gone through in your life, hopefully you learned from them. I don't carry baggage, I'm too lazy to pull up crap from my past and slap in on the table of a new relationship, but now there are things I've learned along the way...like chucking my baggage and letting each new relationship have a life of it's own. To those who say you haven't lived unless you bring baggage into new relationships, please, no one is required to not let it go and move on. Maybe it's the definition that's being mixed up, but for me, baggage is something that keeps you trapped in the past, and it's a choice one make to drag it around with them... or not. | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:28:25 PM | Personally, I think "No baggage" is just the latest buzz word in profiles..and not a very good one at that. Using it, is going to eliminate people who most likely think of it in a different way than the way you may intend for it to be meant. After all, as evidenced by all the responses on this thread, it means something different to everyone.
Like Jim, I tend to avoid people with this on their profile, as I have no idea what they mean. I would prefer that they be more original or specific. To me, baggage is when you are negative about your past...dwelling on it.
I WANT to know about their past, as that is what makes the person who they are today. I WANT to see that they got through it in a healthy way. I don't care if you want to talk to me about your children, your ex's, your past abuse. If you can talk about it without anger, without blame...that tells me that you will be able to deal with whatever gets thrown our way without bailing out.
Life isn't perfect....God didn't promise us joy without sorrow, peace without pain...sometimes the joy and peace is all the sweeter BECAUSE of the sorrow and pain that we had to work through together.
....and Jim, I, too, am sorry that you had your heart ripped out, but you've been through it before, and I'm sure you will get through it again....and no....that isn't "baggage"...it's LIFE!...it's EXPERIENCE!...and with each experience, we learn....
~DC~ | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:17:00 PM | Dceeeee
Another good response to think about. I like your take on it DC. bTW, I had the pleasure of meeting this lady for coffee 2 years ago. Sincere, warm, accepting and a beautifulspirit.
No, not as a potential, but as a friend I met in the forums here at the pond.
And my old buddy Mandrake...what can I say. You've been a real friend.
So I'll swim aroud this pond looking for a woman that has baggage and accepts mine. Then we can help each other carry it. I'm glad I am not the only one that shys away from the No baggae insert on profiles. But again, it still means different things to different people. | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:48:54 PM | Miss DC...what can I say. As always you make so much sense. I love your open, honest responses...a person could learn a lot from you.... And your right, life's not perfect, we have to work at...its a shame it took me over fifty years to become somewhat wiser and better equipped to handle life's lessons. I can only hope that one day my children will say to their children, "Your Grandmother always said.......
It is with so much regret DC that I will miss the opportunity of meeting you this summer....maybe next year.
...maeflowers | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:58:15 PM | I agree, Ageless Wonder....if you're too tall, it's "baggage"...if you have a cat instead of a dog, it's "baggage"...if you didn't live a fairy tale existence heretofore, it's "baggage".......the most imperfect people expect perfection in others!
NEXT! | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:37:37 PM | "Baggage" is stuff that weighs you down. It's worthless crap from your past that you can do nothing about and that interferes with your life now. e.g regrets, guilt, anger, sadness...
Personally I prefer to travel light these days. I carried far too much baggage around for far too long. Good riddance! | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:20:26 AM | It seems everyone has a different idea of what baggage is. How about this for a definition? History is what has happened in our lives. Baggage is how we feel about it and deal with it.
We all have a history that molds our lives, our way of thinking, and our emotional responses. So to some extent we all have baggage. Even the most well-adjusted, healthiest people have baggage. What matters, when it comes to being healthy, is whether or not you have made peace with it. When I read the phrase "no baggage" I assume they're asking that you've made peace with your past, you've unpacked and set aside your negative history. | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:28:59 AM | I agree with CDN GUY on page 1 . Baggage is the stuff of past experiences that we carry with us onward.
Some people have a nack of dealing with most, & I say most, because there is no one who has no baggage.
Some people Think they have it dealt with & I think, from past experiences, they are the least at dealing with they're own baggage & they don't want others to deal with as well. ( see, I have un dealt with baggage)
& some people just carry suitcase loads around on they're arms & chips on they're shoulders.
Jim, I personally think talking about past relationships does help you to understand the person your with, mind you, we have to be careful of "too much information" but where do you draw the line?
I too was in a similar situation to you, only last year & ( here comes the baggage) because she couldn't get over past hurts & openly discuss our problems, it ended up in the roller door being shut down on me with my heart caught under it.
Baggage, I think, can only be dealt with , with acknowledgement & admission & acceptence & unfortunately some people cannot do that.
Hell, I have baggage with me from my childhood....we all have
There's no Black & White, it's all Grey ( I'm Australian, we spell like that)
All the best..... | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:12:55 AM |
Jim, I personally think talking about past relationships does help you to understand the person your with, mind you, we have to be careful of "too much information" but where do you draw the line?
I too was in a similar situation to you, only last year & ( here comes the baggage) because she couldn't get over past hurts & openly discuss our problems, it ended up in the roller door being shut down on me with my heart caught under it.
Very good way to put it my friend....Including the part about her not getting over past hurts.What I believe was the reason she could not commit. Frankly, I feel sorry for anyone like that. | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:58:00 AM | OP/Jim
You are not your ordinary man on POF, at least not they types that I've met. Very often men do not want to indulge with women that do have baggage. As Aleyrebel stated it is a rather shallow state of affairs when a man says he doesn't want any *strings* and/or baggage attached.
I think though the trick is to keep yourself at arms length from the *old* baggage is important. Some people can actually be so familiar with being in trauma/drama that they create scenarios that give them the 'fix' they need to feel normal for what normal is.... that is the type of baggage I don't think anyone really wants to deal with, while on the other hand, confronting that type of behaviour is the best thing one can do for a person. And I don't mean by confronting, by rejecting that part of a person but to identify to the person in a way that they can hear it as being empathetic, yet not allowing for dependency is something that can be helpful.
It sounds to me that this woman was just what you needed to learn to keep your distance in situations like that while not compromising your desire not to disclude someone who has been 'through the mill' and has learned and/or is willing to deal with their baggage, when it is pointed out to them.
I was involved with a man on POF who was upfront about No Strings. Whenever there were issues that came up in my life, it seemed to me he would withdraw and let me sort it out on my own. This worked until one time when we had something planned and I had a situation come up that was unavoidable which involved some baggage (nasty business partner), I had an adverse reaction to my own situation and transferred it onto our relationship. It was cut and dried for him, he had no tolerance for that aspect of my personality and said we were over.
Naturally I felt disappointed, I'd so looked forward to spending more time with him, but to be honest, once I'd processed the loss of having him in my life daily, I realised it was a blessing to find out now that he was not going to accept ALL of me and that he didn't have it in him (nor maybe did I) to work the issues out and continue the bliss of our relationship. I am grateful for having had the time with him and also really happy to know that I have that tendency to transfer my bad experiences onto others which hopefully when that happens again (and I think bad experiences happen to everyone), I will also be able to try alternative ways at expressing my feelings rather than taking them out on other people.
That to me is baggage and two people have to be of like minds in order to be able to get through it.... like you said, some people have walls, built to protect them from past injuries, quite often they perceive current situations as being exactly the same as past ones and they will not go there..... most often they walk as their method of dealing with it.
The man I was involved with seems to me has his own baggage and I am sad he is gone from my life, but at the same time I am grateful that I won't have to carry on with someone that simply does not want to go beyond the limit he set for himself.... perhaps somewhere down the line he will push that limit himself or find someone he trusts enough to push it for him. Until then, his profile will state NSA or in my mind 'no baggage'.
The discouraging part is that there are a lot of men (and that is from my perspective because I don't look at women's profiles or enter into many emails with women) on POF, think that if they don't deal with it, they are over it. For me, it is easy to tell who they are, just ask a few questions that may lead to deep discussion of feeling and if they begin to talk about the weather.... it is quite obvious they conciously don't choose to go 'deep' enough for my liking. que sera sera | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:19:04 AM | lol... well I have lots! And I expect my future SO to have some too. I mean Christ, I'm 50!! Whether it's health (no biggies so far), kids, work, exes, friends, clients, big deal. I think the big thing for me is that they don't intrude on my life. At least not in a detrimental way. Sure some can be a pain in the ass, but most issues have solutions. While not everyone like my solutions, I solve them, usually only once, and move on.
If I met someone with a fairytale life, I'd be highly suspicious, and in all honesty, probably would not be a good match for me. | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:39:01 AM | Of course we all have baggage......this is a given as one matures and lives life.
The whole point is what you do with that baggage, or what it does with you....... 
If you contain it well, eliminate the things you do not need to travel with, make sure that it is folded nicely and packed neatly into specific suitcases that fit you, and that you store those cases in the trunk of your BMW, then you are good to go.......  
Just my opinion........   | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:45:58 AM | | When I first joined POF 2 years ago.. (where did the time go?).. I was reading in the forums and the over 45. There was a man in here who was talking about baggage. It seems as if he wanted his g/f to take off for the weekend as a surprise to her. She couldn't just up and leave as she had a couple furry friends, and she needed someone to care for them, plus she had children that would need a sitter. He claimed that as baggage!!! Needless to say, I got knocked down when I told him that children and pets aren't baggage IMO. He left POF shortly after that, probably to deal with his own baggage!!! | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:58:53 PM | Funny (strange) how many people think that their "baggage" is inevitable, excusable and expect someone else to automatically share in putting up with it for the sake of a relationship.
No wonder Dr. Phil has an endless supply of subjects...
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:19:22 PM | | My baggage is buried in the basement along with all the rest of those idiots that asked if I had any.........mwwhhahaha Kidden lol . If you are looking for any relationship at our age it comes with a past from both of us. It cannot be swept under the rug and if you try to do this it will come back out and bite at some inopurtune time. Moral of the story. Be honest tell your future romantic interest of your past but also tell them of your hopes for the future. Baggage is not negative it is our experiences in life that make us who we are. If a potential partner cannot handle your life maybe he/she should just go fish elsewhere..jmo | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:01:51 PM | IMHO.....
A "past" isn't baggage.
"experiences" are not baggage.
"Baggage" is a pejorative idiom that typically refers to undesirable emotional issues arising in the present from an inability to deal with your past and the experiences that accrued then.
Suggesting that having a "past" inevitably means having "baggage" and that others have to accept it is quite frankly a crock.
Your "life"is now. That's what you share with a partner. Your "past" is not your life - your life is now, the rest is simply a memory of life already lived and gone. A partner has no obligation to handle your inability to let go of your past and live in the present..... aka "bagagge" | |
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| We all Have baggage at our age? No Baggage thing...I don't get it
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:30:04 PM | | To continue the metaphor; In my baggage I have new clothes, old clothes, clothes that fit, and clothes that don't fit, clothes bought at the mall, clothes bought at the thrift store, and clothes I received as gifts. What I really need is a bigger closet! | |
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