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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:07:41 AM | ^^^^^^^^^
I think you've just done a very good job, accidentally, of defining what sends men to the dating sidelines.
I don't think the OP's post is about not being able to find 'truly extraordinary' women. It's about not finding reasonable, friendly and open minded women, who don't have impossible standards and who aren't more interested in finding reasons for a relationship to fail than in making one work. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:28:05 AM | OP
im not headed in that direction im already there.
no need for me to explain it cuz you did an awsome job of that already | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:39:39 AM | | That was not my intent. I know a lot of women who have a very stringent list of dating requirements and when I hear their check list, my thought is always "good luck with that one." I don't think men are such complex creatures, I think their need to feel appreciated and loved for who they are is what they seek. My point was, if I were a man and the only women I encountered were demanding perfectionists who were trying to change me into something I wasn't, I would find alternative ways to spend my time as well. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:53:55 AM | I think we ( men and women) are just so sick to death of this dating stuff that it's just much easier to live life without all the drama, expectations of meeting the "right" one and then having to deal with the let downs....
Good thread OP.
Jmo jj | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 6:59:50 AM | ^^^^Exactly^^^^^. I have often said I would rather be at home with a good book instead of go on another bad date, I am sure men feel this way as well.
People create so much drama (both men and women) it gets exhausting and I think we all get the point where unless someone truly special comes along, we are happier on our own. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:03:34 AM | Solarpanel, while I don't agree with everything you've said, I absolutely agree with this:
A person can learn to build 'doors of appropriacy' in the mind that open and shut at the appropriate time. If I come across a woman worth opening the door for, I'll open it. That's why I'm on here and why I still go dating
I think that makes all the difference between a man or woman who is building a great life for themself, while being open to meeting someone to share that life with, and a man or woman who has allowed the disappointments to pile up into bitterness that causes them to slam and lock all the doors. I know way too many bitter, angry people who've given up on relationships entirely. It doesn't usually seem to have made them any happier.
The OP brought this into focus about men choosing to build a great life for themselves and entirely refusing to date or meet women, but there are at least as many women taking the same path.
It really does take emotional courage and strength to build and sustain relationships. Even with your blood relatives. (sometimes especially with your blood relatives lol )
Choosing not to try is an absolutely valid option. Choosing to be cautious, but still open to love takes courage. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:14:31 AM |
it is highly dependent on a woman's willingness that a date occurs, not the man's....................a woman just says "yes" and the world is at her knees. this is part of the inequality that corrupts dating.
My last three POF dates stood me up. It'ts not easy on either side of the keyboard. lol
I will concede this, if all a woman is looking for is sexual hookups, and she's not too picky, she can be as busy dating as she wants to be. If a woman is looking for more, and looking for that guy that wants more, it's a lot more complicated than just saying "yes" to any man who's interested. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:20:54 AM | ..I had a female friend very recently put up an ad, and she said she had, within a few days, recieved 150 emails. lol.
Put up a test profile, make it female and state you're looking for no strings sex. Yup, 150 is reasonable.
Put up a test profile saying you're looking for a deep and meaningful relationship...............unless you add some hot pictures you definitely will NOT be receiving 150 emails. LMAO
......individual results will vary. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:47:27 AM |
Put up a test profile, make it female and state you're looking for no strings sex.
This is bad advise and something too many have already done... no wonder so many men's emails don't get answered! The recipients are just guys posing as women to test their theories.
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 7:54:12 AM |
and I have more requirements than pointy ears
You're looking for a deeply spiritual counterpart in a fit package at least 5'10" or better.
Knowing the landscape of intimacy helps one navigate the territory, but it is required that you invest some time and energy into
learning...
Or just be content in your man cave...it's a choice.
O Enlightened One! How may we who can't remember to put the seat back down reach Bliss?
Follow the words of Barry Long:
"It can be said that I have been taught by the divine principle of woman, I have been led by her, I have been crucified by her and most certainly I have been loved by her. I am a product of that love, as is my teaching."
Hmmm ... does that cave have a couch, a tv and a refrigerator? | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:15:26 AM |
This phenomena is all about the numbers. In my age range (late 30s-early 40s), there are more than 100,000 extra men in the dating population. So each individual man is already outnumbered. Then you ad in the players and the married men who don't stop dating and so it's no wonder that men don't have the same dating options as women do.
A lot of people seem to have missed the fact that there are far more men looking for women than women looking for men. This is the reason that women can be so picky; because they have many more choices.
When I talk with single women in their 20's to 40's, they tell me that they have no problems getting dates. Some get approached all the time by men.
So I understand why many men are choosing to not actively persue dating and focus on career and hobbies instead. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:16:32 AM | Good for you blueyedbaldman what you have said is both sensible and normal. Why would any woman bother with a man who says he happiest on his own or in the company of other men ? I personally like a man with a bit of backbone and to show some initiative after all a faint heart never won fair lady and all that !
Angela | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:48:05 AM | I don't think it is a social phenomenon.
It is sometimes a matter of choice, and sometimes a matter of circumstance.
There are times to be together with someone, and times to be alone.
One must be careful here, for in a world obsessed with dating and finding the 'one', we could feel as if we are missing out on something in life.
Yet, all we have is the moment we are in today. So why not make the most of whatever is right in front of you.
It is very rare that someone will pique my senses lately where I will want to at least make a connection. And indeed, I have traveled very far for this experience. In many ways.
Time and illusion are things that can make us feel as if something is eluding our grasp. But, if we just flow with the energy, and let it wind it's own way, there is no telling what can happen with it in the future. We cannot predict the future, so why not enjoy the connections, and see where they take us to.
Never say never, and never say, I can't....or I won't. I always think of my dear Aunt Dorothy on this one. She was a confirmed 'spinster'...never dated...took care of her mother, (my Grandmother) etc. But, at age 53, she met a good man..a really good man.....got married, to the surprise of all of the family, and had 20 some wonderful years with her husband before he ultimately died.
It is always good to be comfortable with oneself, or commune with Nature or other people as it presents. For the harder we chase something....the faster it runs from us.
Peace today
~~~~~~~~~~~~ 'Kimbo ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:07:15 AM | | where are you people getting your demographics? there are more women than men somewhere after age 30 (or is it 20?) and the gap increases as we age. ok, maybe not on "dating" sites--could be most women are smarter than that (and smarter than me!) and don't play this stupid game. as my old college roomie used to say regarding men: "all the good ones are dead or married" and that becomes more true the older we are. so, OP, if you choose to withdraw because you're tired of the bullshit, rest assured that we women are, too. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:15:55 AM | [quoteI am very attractive, no kids, never married, college educated with a decent job, friends and various interests, and I can barely get a man to email me back.
Snakecharmer , just as a hoot ~ I thought I'd try to send you something ~~
couldn't get passed your restriction ~ Not even to say hi! ~ "got you last!"
I agree with you ~ "many young" men have a very inaccurate view of women ~ womanhood
and the roles they play as matriarch and greatly underestimate the overriding contribution they play in the fablic of socity.
The role of being human is only as diffucult or easy as we make it. ~ we have choices!
you have chosen to limit and offer resistance for some fore seen greater good and the rewards shall be yours. dance | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:16:07 AM | OP - I think it is part of life for many people these days (especially in my age group) of both genders - making very happy and fulfilled lives and not have to have a significant romantic 'other' to achieve happiness. And once you realize it comes from within, then, yes, I understand the 'not rocking the boat' theory......for bring in another ego (and essence too, of course) and, bam, it is all so easy for things to start tipping . So, finding another who also has found their inner peace and love and fulfillment in themselves and their life is essential if you are wanting to share yourself and life in whatever way you wish to....but it does not mean finding another is essential.
As kimbo says, there are times to be in relationship and times not to be
and I think accepting and welcoming and seeing all times as a blessing is the key.
and, 4dutyandhumanity - Oh Sarcastic and oh so sure of yourself one, you got it wrong in my case - you wrote -
You're looking for a deeply spiritual counterpart in a fit package at least 5'10" or better.
where, in fact, I'm looking for a deeply spiritual counterpart who can fit in a package less than 5' (me).  | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:40:58 AM |
where, in fact, I'm looking for a deeply spiritual counterpart who can fit in a package less than 5' (me).
It's easy to get it wrong in your case, since I wasn't aware of your existence til now. I was specifically responding to that poster's profile.
Yup, anything you want, and a rosy palm for the long dark winters.
Oh poor Mary Palm. Was that a put down? I hope not, cuz there are loads of women on here who speak highly of their friend BOB.
What this thread is really about is empowerment. If you aren't in control of your desire for food, companionship, booze, sex whatever - you aren't in control of your life. I've known women who were convinced they had to be in a relationship to be happy. Result: serial disasters. Same with men who think they can't live without sex - you can, and if you think you can't you've been defining 'live' too narrowly.
When I first started PoF, I had a penpal who was a Christian. She always told me I should go to Christian singles because it's like 10/1 female to male. She also mentioned, and she had a name for it that I sadly forgot, that there were guys who went to those things, spouted off about Jesus, but were really only interested in getting into lady's pants.
Well, I'm not Christian, so I don't go to Christian singles, and I'll be damned if I'll be anything I'm not for all the sex in the world. Anyone who tells you 'just follow this path, and good things will happen' is a snake oil salesperson, and wants you to do something because it pleases him, not because it's good for you. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 9:56:03 AM | it's nice to see you post without quite so much sarcasm. thank you.
so i have a question - have you ever done something for another that was not selfish? that was genuinely for them first - and yes, the payoff for you might have been appreciation, but really it was for them that motivated you?
well, sometimes one finds something on their path that really resonsates in them and brings them so much joy, or whatever it is it brings - and when that happens, sometimes we want to share it with others to offer them the chance to find that same joy - or whatever benefit we hope they will get out of it.
so, sometimes, 4dutyandhumanity - sometimes you can separate duty from humanity and just do it for the selfless joy to give without really needing anything in return (and i think you know this too).
Edit to add: hi Mia - oh yes, there's way more to sexuality and everything than meets the eye! (from what you write below) | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:05:47 AM | miashakti
'Kimbo
How remarkable that you are able to send your peace and your wisdom over cyberspace and give me a sense of you and your spirit...
Your message came across as a rare and sweet blessing
well, thank you much for those kind words
But, actually, 'kimbo was just trying to sound more erudite than I actually am, in hopes of attracting a chick......anychick.......I am so lonely that I am weeping right now...
hahaha
good day to you
'Kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:15:03 AM |
well, sometimes one finds something on their path that really resonsates in them and brings them so much joy, or whatever it is it brings - and when that happens, sometimes we want to share it with others to offer them the chance to find that same joy - or whatever benefit we hope they will get out of it.
That depends on how it's offered. Humbly, as an experience the other person might find beneficial, or condescendingly, in that you've tapped into the supernatural, and know something others don't. The first is welcome, the second is obnoxious.
It makes no difference to me whether you're Tantric or a Jehovah's Witness.* If you've found something that provides meaning in your own life, good. If you want to share it, great. But if you think you've tapped into the mind of God, I'm outta here. In the last eight years I've had enough of people with a hotline to God.
* Admittedly, I'd prefer a knock on my door from women wanting me to give tantric yoga a try, and not Christianity. The Jehovah's have a publication called 'Awake' - perhaps Tantra to could have one called 'Aroused'? | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:38:45 AM | I also found message 184 to be inspiring, and really liked the "there's no hurry, take your time" feeling of the post.
You might be lonely, but you know it's a temporary feeling. Don't allow the hollow feeling to gain reality....take your own advice and you'll do fine. And yes, it did make me look at your profile...
Has anyone considered the possibility that this could be nature's way of reducing overpopulation? Who knows, maybe there is a dissatisfaction with the opposite sex hormone...
Seriously, I think age has a lot to do with it, we just simply aren't as driven to reproduce as we once were, when younger. It is the time for more emotional connections, and we are far more picky about partners the second time around... | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:46:13 AM |
Ehh...that's fine if all these guys really ARE happier not dating. To me it sounds a lot like taking your ball and going home. Or cutting off your nose to spite your face....so yeah, as long as you're happy, but if that's the case I wouldn't be crowing about it.
Sometimes I wonder the same thing - only if it's being announced to people unsolicited. If they truly are happy and it's being observed or someone's answering a question (in a forum thread, for example) - then I tend to think it's more genuine. If someone's bringing it up and no one's asking, then yeah I'd think it's more convincing themselves than actual happiness.
Why would any woman bother with a man who says he happiest on his own or in the company of other men ? I personally like a man with a bit of backbone and to show some initiative after all a faint heart never won fair lady and all that !
I don't get the connection between a guy wanting to focus on other less stressful things and being open to something should it come along and having a backbone. Someone want to explain this one to me? | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:51:37 AM |
It wouldn't surprise me that all these men don't end up on the market long, because they will be drawn to and meet/socialize with people of that same mindset - and in that context, a relationship is a healthy and desirable thing. It's when you learn that dating isn't a requirement to be societally normal or make you happy and accept it that dating will start to work for you.
It's ironic, but it's usually the way it is. I believe that people who say "it'll happen when you're not looking" mean exactly this. They decided to stop looking and start living, and in doing so bumped into someone they matched with and just let things happen naturally, because they weren't obsessed with the rules, the outcome, what's owed to them. They had less (or no) issues or qualities that would sabotage a relationship for them.
You know, it would surprise me a lot if these men that weren't looking didn't stay on the market long. I have male friends who are single and haven't had a date in years. They're not looking, and nothing is happening. It might work differently for women, but for a guy if you do not actively make an effort to date, chances are you will not get anywhere. If you're not looking, it won't happen.
If having a great relationship IS important to someone, then deciding not to actively pursue one is really just 'settling' for less than they want. And we all know we shouldn't settle, right?
If it's not important to someone, how would you ever have a great relationship when the 'special person' in your life is way down on your priority list, just below changing the car oil and watching the Simpsons? If a relationship is important to someone, there's no power struggle there. They already know what they want, what they'll sacrifice, where things stand. If you're dating someone who wasn't looking for a relationship nor placed any importance on it in their lives, you're certainly going to come into difficulties or serious incompatibilities when things start getting serious, and one or the other of you needs to change their lifestyle in some way for the relationship to progress or work. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:56:08 AM |
...as my old college roomie used to say regarding men: "all the good ones are dead or married"
I don't think this is true at all. I meet lots of single men who would like to have relationships but have difficulty finding available women. I've even heard some men say about women that "all the good ones are taken". | |
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