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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 2:28:44 AM | Maybe they dumped you because they weren't feeling what you were feeling? People, look, not everyone is going to like you the same way you want them to. That doesn't make them mean, nor manipulative...you just weren't their cup of tea. The problem appears to be that many men are angry, because the lady isn't thinking of you in terms that you want to be thought of...so, if you treat them like crap or you don't date..that's the answer, right? WRONG!!
Look, this is what I learned and it works for me. NOT EVERYONE IS GOING TO LIKE YOU, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY OR DO, AND THAT'S OK! That doesn't make the person bad, or you bad. It just makes you both different.
Keep looking, you will find one that likes you just the way you are, with a few changes here and there, at times, because NO ONE CAN GET ALONG 100 PERCENT and EVERY RELATIONSHIP TAKES WORK TO WORK! That's just reality, but WOMEN AS A WHOLE AREN'T ****ES TRYING TO TAKE YOU TO THE BANK, and MEN AS A WHOLE AREN'T ALL ***holeS! So, maybe it's time you all started to look at that, and let go of your anger issues? Just a thought! If you  more, you will get more honey, then if you  But, it's up to you! | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 3:10:39 AM | Just because someone didn't find you their cup of tea...and you wanted them to, doesn't mean, everyone will feel that way. If you don't open up, you will never find that which you seek. In order to find someone you care about, you must be able to trust, but first MAKE SURE the other party feels the same for you.
What you're feeling is ANGER, based on someone that didn't feel what you felt. Haven't you ever been through that feeling in reverse? Didn't you ever look at someone and go...hmm..maybe, and then something they did, or said, changed your mind about how you thought of the person?
It's not just happening to men. It happens all the time to women, too. I can't tell you how many times I would contact some guy, and 'think' we might have had something in common, and even have the guy tell me the same, only to discover that the following day, he didn't contact me again. No biggy...NEXT! It's as simple as that. But, instead of taking it the same way, you tell yourself, IT'S ALL WOMEN, IT'S ALL MEN! It's not...it's just you aren't going to be JUST RIGHT for those women or men. YOU CAN'T PLEASE ALL THE PEOPLE, ALL THE TIME, ONLY SOME OF THE PEOPLE, SOME OF THE TIME!
Gee, only four women? I went through hundreds of men in chat communications who said or thought the same, at the time, hehe. Look, everyone does it...men and women. Stop worrying about it, and move on. It's not worth damaging yourself by shutting yourself down, for four or five hundred people, in this world. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:57:36 AM |
I went through hundreds of men in chat communications who said or thought the same, at the time, hehe. Look, everyone does it...men and women. Stop worrying about it, and move on. It's not worth damaging yourself by shutting yourself down, for four or five hundred people, in this world.
That's quite a full schedule there, Sweethang, I'm wondering when you find the time for other life events, like working, eating, playing, being creative, etc.
Personally, I would find all of those exchanges quite exhausting. Especially, if the woman has the 'just move on' mentality.
I don't believe that the men posting on this thread are angry. I really don't. Are there men and women who are angry about all this? Well, sure....some are. But, they are not ready for relationship, believe this. I think this is where the thread strays off course a bit.
If I am not in a relationship, I don't concentrate on the fact that I am 'missing' out on affection and sex. Why torture yourself that way. And, by the way, I was married twice...for almost 30 years combined, so I do know about affection, and love, and comitment, and better, and worse.
After all, you are only what you bring to any relationship...it is impossible to be more than what you are. In other words, I, like many of the men that posted here, do not find anything 'less' or 'wrong' about me if I am not in a relationship.
It is folly to be continually on the prowl for someone just to be with. I would never do that. I do , however, continually pay attention, and take in each and every day with gratitude for all of the things that matter, my children, my friends, my work, my Life.
And...the Universe always cooperates by placing someone in my path.....exactly when it is necessary, so, in that way, it is very freeing to not get overly fixated on pointless activities like serial dating.
It's a trust thing.
~~~~~~~~ "kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:58:11 AM |
One woman dumped me because i was , in her words= " a nice guy, too kind, too caring and i wore something she didnt like ".
another woman dumped me because i cut the cheese the wrong way..........thats what she said any way.
another dumnped me because i said the wrong thing in the pub, because i had had so many bad experiences i told her that because i really liked her i would be REALLY upset if she ever did to me what the others had done..............so she dumped me .
Yeah, sounds like they just find a reason to dump you. You could comb your hair the "wrong way" according to them, and they'd dump ya for it.  | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:09:50 AM | "Insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting a different result" - Albert Einstein
Many men have and are taking that advice to heart. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:10:00 AM |
One woman dumped me because i was , in her words= " a nice guy, too kind, too caring and i wore something she didnt like
I knew this woman whose friends were always trying to fix her up with someone, and she'd always find something wrong. She stopped seeing one guy because she said he wasn't feeding his cat enough canned cat food.
Speaking of respect... if you're that conflicted about dating, or men, or whatever, have enough respect for others to sit it out until you've worked through your issues. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:16:44 AM | sweethang- i think you might have veered off topic a bit now by talking about what you perceive as 'a lot of angry men on this site'. and my understanding by the original poster is he is talking about men that are not angry at all, but really happy with themselves, their lives, and women, but are choosing to remain single.
i also share this feeling. even though i am here on this site and would be open to possibly finding a relationship (that i think will not be a 'traditional' one, for i find they put me off balance it seems), my basic and very honest perspective in my heart is i'm really contentedly single and i have been for some time.
and, truly, it feels like a great achievement to have come to this realization and awareness i don't need a man to make my self whole or my life complete. not at this point in time anyway, and that is all i truly know. and i do love men and feel they offer a great and balancing energy to the female energy (that i also appreciate) - but i am waiting for the right time, the right person, the right energy that will be really compatible with mine - if that happens. to clarify, i'm not attached to it happening, but i am open to it.
i've just turned 50, so I am in that age group that so many are in relationship to this issue - so i have (nearly) gotten my freedom from child raising (that i have been doing myself for the last 18 years) - and so, i think, like so many this age group - we've been partnered and partnering up for so long, and/or raising children for the last 20 or so years also - that to finally have freedom and be able to realize it's not necessary to be in a 'traditional' relationship is wonderful....and an opportunity not to be taken for granted.
one more thought - someone mentioned fairy tales. yes, i was talking about this with my friend yesterday on the phone - my age group grew up with the fairy tales - everything as children (for me) was cloaked in the 'happily ever after' fantasy. and, truthfully, life does not guarantee such a happy ending at all....as most of us here know. and even though I truly believe all our relationships are perfect for what they teach each person, i still feel i learned to embrace that to live happily ever after truly means living happily with myself and only then can life be happy....and it is me who will be with me until the end, after all.....this we know for sure. and, really it's all we know. and if anyone share some of my path, or walks with me for some of it, that's great and when they are not, that's great too. for really, my belief is it's all a blessing and each person's choices in their lives is their blessing too (and not for me to stamp my judgement of approval or not onto them).
so is it a new social phenomenon? yes, perhaps. i know i've been in living it for years, but then maybe many more have also than i realized, thanks to this thread. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:25:52 AM | | I don't think the men and women that choose to stop dating are disrespectful. If anything, I'm sure the truly disrespectful ones will continue to pursue, because they are driven to do so -- without caution or concern for long-term consequences. And will injure others and themselves in the desperation to possess someone else. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:33:02 AM | Most of the single guys I know are sad, a little bitter, and lonely. But I'm 24, and the guys I know haven't been through divorces and the like yet. I think the phenomenon you speak of is mostly related to the mindframes of older, divorced men.
I don't think the men you describe are great catches. Do you think they are just because they have money and education? No, a great catch to me would desire the company of a woman as much as I desire the company of a man. To me, that desire is what makes us human. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 9:38:19 AM |
I don't think the men you describe are great catches. Do you think they are just because they have money and education? No, a great catch to me would desire the company of a woman as much as I desire the company of a man. To me, that desire is what makes us human.
I don't see this as NOT desiring the company of a woman, I see this as not making the company of any woman who shows up their life's work. Why NOT focus on some balance, things you enjoy and other aspects of your life while single? It makes no sense to keep track of each day you're single during the times you are.
I am sure most of these men WOULD stop and pay attention if a woman they liked and wanted to know better crossed their paths, and even more so if she was worth it once they got to know her better. How does that make a man not a great catch?
I'd love to date a man I liked and got along well with should he appear in my everyday travels...but if he doesn't, it makes no sense to focus on just the fact that I'm NOT dating someone I like every second, and just start grabbing dates cause I have free time. How monotonous! I'd imagine most of my friends would stop talking to me...I would consider it if that's all they did. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 10:31:26 AM | I don't get Sweethang either, Akimmbo...
"I don't believe that the men posting on this thread are angry. I really don't. Are there men and women who are angry about all this? Well, sure....some are. But, they are not ready for relationship, believe this. I think this is where the thread strays off course a bit."
I think she confuses some of the guys here who basically have a "really don't care, if it happens it happens, if it doesn't thats fine too, I'm ok either way" attitude as being "angry". Quite honestly, I'm not at all angry - I've dated here and there, when someone comes in my "path" that I get to know and we click, but I'm not desperately searching for a relationship, which I think is a good thing - I'm not trying to fill some "void" in myself.
"In other words, I, like many of the men that posted here, do not find anything 'less' or 'wrong' about me if I am not in a relationship. "
"And...the Universe always cooperates by placing someone in my path.....exactly when it is necessary, so, in that way, it is very freeing to not get overly fixated on pointless activities like serial dating."
Exactly. Faith? Realization that rather than pursuing someone, we probably have a better chance of meeting someone compatible by just doing the things we like and are comfortable with, "being ourselves", and not trying to "force it"? Life on life's terms?
"We're not interested in quarters from disrespectful, bitter ol' biddies who blame men for the wrongs of the world... y'all can use that quarter to go buy yourself a gumball to play with. "
Ok, Superlizard, you made me laugh with that! But I agree, she seems to think its ok to demand "respect" from men, while disrespecting us in return. Not, seemingly, uncommon these days - and a very 'tiring' attitude when I encounter it - thankfully she wouldn't have to worry about dating me anyways, because her own prejudice has already deemed me angry, bitter, and disrespectful to her - without ever having met me!
edit: Oh please, if any of the mod's reads this, can't we get the damn "edit post" feature to stop breaking the quote feature and turning the angle brackets in "& ngt" and "& nlt" html characters? | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:34:33 AM | The only men I know that eschew social contact with women are complete misogynists, or social misfits. Even my priest enjoys having dinner with the ladies of his parish.
Dating is supposed to be fun. Women can be amusing. There are social events that a single is completely out of place. When an intelligent man makes the decision to not date, there is more involved than having a few lousy dates. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 11:48:52 AM | The only men I know that eschew social contact with women are complete misogynists, or social misfits. Even my priest enjoys having dinner with the ladies of his parish.
When an intelligent man makes the decision to not date, there is more involved than having a few lousy dates.
Wow, Pazoozoo, where did you get "eschewing social contact with women" from this thread? I didn't particularly see any of the men here saying "I avoid women like the plague, they'll give me cooties!!!" or anything. I go out on occasion, I have female friends, I certainly don't avoid "all female social contact" at all.
Can't someone be open to having "friends" relationships in their life, with both men *and* women, and yet not really be actively looking to date? You make it sound like, with your statement "Dating is supposed to be fun. Women can be amusing.", as if the only way I can have fun or be amused is to be dating a woman?? Forgive me if I would find *that* statement coming out of anyone's mouth, male or female (about dating a man), to be a very *sad* thing as a statement of their view on life... | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 12:27:19 PM | There are social events that a single is completely out of place.
Not allowed, or not seen as socially normal? I had no idea. Can you give me a list so I don't go alone somewhere it's not acceptable? Thanks. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 1:07:11 PM | Eye yi yi...lol...dating is fun ta do...you have to weed out a lot of the gold diggers,,the crazy ones ...the material ones...but you will find the one for you....i have been on hundreds of dates ...and why ...i am picky...i dont want some one who is perfect...just perfect for me....and when you find the one...she will let you do the things you like doing...some times these things you both can do together...other times you will ind your self doing it solo...you dont have to be up each others ass all the time...so continue your quest...it will happen...i tried the so called being by my self bit and its cool for a while ...but then it sucks...carry on...divinie outta here... | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:11:04 PM | I think this is a very good thread, but the selection of the people (at the dinner party) was bound to give you those answers.
I know a guy who is 40, never married and perfectly happy. Now if we put a number of them together to chat I'm sure what we will have will not be representative of the male population. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:27:16 PM |
1) Gay
2) Emotionally incapable
3) Selfish
4) Bitter
5) Have never experienced the true love of a woman
Well, I'm only half way through the thread, but at least the women haven't yet been saying:
6) Neanderthal
7) Immature
8) Little boy
9) Chauvanist
I think this is outstanding.
Ok, back to the other half of the thread.
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:34:52 PM | I think a lot of people, no matter the gender, are coming to realize that they could have a boy/girl friend but they don't NEED one like so many people in highschool claim they do. I know a lot of people my age think an SO would complete them, that this giant chasm they've fantasized that they have, can only be filled up by another being.
They mostly don't take the chance to go out and learn that YES men (or women) are nice to have around, but they aren't necessary.
I'm glad I came to this conclusion so I'm not always vying for a guy's attention. I can go out to a bar to have a good drink, do some dancing, and maybe meet new PEOPLE (not gender specific) not to get laid. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:38:48 PM | yea but i have sons they say they DONT DATE
but they go out n get a PIECE now n then
thats for sure so NO ITS NOT THE SAME AS not dating its bull kathi | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:04:05 PM | I'm of the I-CAN'T-BE-BOTHERED-TRYING group.
I've been single for almost 7 years now. I've had lots of great sex with lots of women. I've had a great FWB that lasted almost 3 years with a woman I met and dated about 20 years ago and re-connected with. I've had some women who've wanted more 'serious' relationships with me, and I'm just at a point where I'm happy doing my own stuff.
I'd welcome a woman into my life, but I've spent so much time and energy in The Game for just too long even before my last long term relationship. Now, I just can't be bothered.
I have my sons. I have my friends. I have my sailboat. Other than the time I go to work, I can do whatever the hell I want whenever the hell I want, and don't have to consult with anyone about my day. I LOVE that.
Would I like to meet a woman to love and spend time with? OF COURSE I would. I'm just SO tired of putting more time and energy into looking for someone than it's really all worth.
In this thread, a number of women have tossed the barb about men and having to use their hand in lieu of sex. Well, women all know that they can get laid pretty well any time they want. Men? Not so much, but honestly? Paying a pro for sex is a lot less hassle and a lot less expensive than 'dating' or living with a woman, if I were so inclined. At least prostitutes leave with their money and NEVER come back for more.
When I die, my sons will do pretty well and I hope they just take my ashes and toss 'em off the boat somewhere . I could care less. I also hope they're a lot smarter than me and NEVER get married or live with a woman. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:36:49 PM | I think the reason that so few of us divorced, middle-aged baby boomers are not dating is that we are AFRAID! Let's face it, there are a lot of scary folks out there! I mean, out of 10 dates that I have had since joining POF 3 months ago, 9 have turned out to be women who, allthough physically attractive, had serious hidden agendas! They were all divorced , like me, allthough one or 2 'seperated' tried to get me to meet them, but I refused. My personal criteria is 'truly free', not seperated, but legally divorced. Plus, I believe that the individual should have taken the time to heal from the divorce, and rebuild their lives. Divorce is a most traumatic experience, and it can take a few years to get over it! Personally, I lived alone for 3 years after my divorce, and simply went on 'automatic pilot' to work, home, eat, sleep, and I needed this time to heal myself, emotionally. Counselling helped as well, to some extent, as did a solid communty church group, kind, loving, non-judgemental folks who accepted me, 'wounds and all!'
So, I think many of us have had negative dating experiences, because, even though you may have done the work, taken the time needed, and 'gotten your emotional shit together', and now have a newer, clearer understanding of what you are looking for in a partner, many of our fellow fish, both men and women, have not done so! Many , I believe, are not yet ready to throw their hats back into the 'dating ring', and are on an emotional 'rebound', which always ends badly!
just some thoughts on my personal experiences, dating at mid-life, after many years of marriage.
-Happily divorced,
Adventurer56 | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:21:26 PM | There are many guys who look for that sort of thing but, I want something long lasting with meaning and substance, not just sex.
...sigh, double sigh...why aren't there more men like YOU???? | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:24:11 PM |
Wow, Pazoozoo, where did you get "eschewing social contact with women" from this thread
Silly me, I was replying to the OP:
Now when I look at guys who are dating and how miserable most of them are and I look at the available women to date and how unhappy they are I just decided that I no longer wanted to participate as I was now happier, more fulfilled and emotionally satisfied than I have ever been."
Can you give me a list so I don't go alone somewhere it's not acceptable
I suppose there is no place that it is not "acceptable" to go alone. Couples Bridge, couples dances, parties where everyone else is with their spouse or significant other are just a few of the places that a single person would be a third wheel however acceptable their presence might be.
When a person has been married for a long time, their friends and associates have a tendency to be those who are also married. Consequently, there are numerous social events that being the onlysingle person is not really much fun. | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:26:08 PM | iam not fussy or picky and just have few requests.
...is one of them that she look like kate moss ,the calendar girl you are posing next to in your profile pics? heck, maybe we're all just intimidated!
*poster removes tongue from cheek* | |
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| Is this a new social phenomenon???
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:32:20 PM | | I've heard that the fastest growing American Household is the single person living alone. Both men and women are coming to the same conclusion it seems. | |
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