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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:42:20 PM | | yes i'm also curious why you thought he was "dying to get your phone number". were you able to read his mind?? | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:51:08 PM | funny thing:
the same thing happened to me this evening.
I go out dancing on Friday and sometimes saturday nights. Tonight, there was this new girl there I had never seen before. I danced a couple of dances, she smiled and laughed all throughout the dance. I would catch her smiling at me when I was out dancing with another girl. I kinda got the impression that she wanted something more. A guy can tell these things.
The style of dance could lead people to make assumptions about my intentions that may or may not be there. usually they are yet tonight i was respectful ....So the dancing may have been leading her on. YOu'd have to be very naive or something else but it could happen. There is a lot of music blaring and bodies swaying in time, twirling and the woman's hands are on the guy and his hands are on her. It's a great dance routine! nothing sexual - the hands are on the hips, small of the back, shoulders and you hold hands sort of thing.
I don't know.. maybe this is mixed signals. probably is.
But I let her walk out the door , she smiled as she walked past me.
I know that I missed an opportunity.
There is always next week.
For many people, this " missed opportunity" issue is the story of their life.
NOw I usually don't post joke threads as they backfire so I will say that this is true in as much as am willing to say. I hope it doesn't make me seem full of myself to say that a complete stranger may have had lascivious thoughts about me.
I am not making fun of you abc. I actually commiserated with you for what you allowed to happen to yourself. I hope you don't beat yourself up for it. You'll meet the guy again and go from there.
It would seem that some of this arose from the cultural divide.
In the real world, some people look for tone of voice, inflection, the facial expressions and other things of people when they are talking. It is said that most women ( 80% ?) and some men (20%?) are like this: they look past the words they hear in order to figure out what really is being said. or what else is not being said but coming across loud and clear.
Another thread had a guy saying one thing yet several people read something completely different from his attitude, posturing and overall tone: although he professes to love women and he almost certainly does, the guy simply doesn't like women.
Something similar happened here. The people that ignored that focused on your loss- that was their choice.
I truly do wish you all the best.
MM | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 4:02:24 AM | OP
You ARE going to let us know what transpires aren't you?
I'll be checking back in.
Aloha
(not in response to above post) | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 4:35:25 AM | (quote ) men are not expected to be the pursuers women are.
this applies in england also i think.How many times have you read in a profile ,send me a message.what is wrong with men today if they are so afraid of being turned down they cant make the first move no wonder they are still single.more and more take the easy way out and leave it to us.time they stopped being pathetic and started being men.who knows if you get turned down on a dating site .not as if you are talking face to face.dont blame yourself ,if he was interested he should have made a move . | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:15:06 AM |
sorry all you POF readers out there...but this poster is what I like to call state of the art stupid. there is no way whatsoever that this post is anything more than fiction. if it was real, i'm quite certain she would not have let him get away.
no, it is more that the assumptions she made about mem, how men should/would act based upon the plethora of books she reads, and the fact that she carried over some of her culturual knowledge over to a different cultural setting lead her to make a poor choice.
The thread that is pure fiction is the one about the new social phenomenon where you have 10 or 11 people sitting at a table made only for 7. The only person left out of that group was an indian chief. doctors, lawyers ,ceo's vp's. the litany of do-gooders was almost complete. it didn't happen but was set up to illustrate a point.
That was apocryphal- a parable masquerading as a real event.
That story is almost certainly a completely fictitious event with a point- a parable.
This true story is also a parable: grasp what is within reach if you want it.
Some people lead their entire life as if it was their job to hold up the wall that they are leaning against.
It takes will power and some intestinal fortitude to go against your basic personality and throw yourself out there.
GEt out there,
Be on time,
Apologize when wrong.
Don't be dismissive or disparaging/condescending.
Give credit to people who helped you along the way.
If you aren't truly sincere, then try to fake it. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:19:24 AM |
I can see he is dying to get my phone number,
Well, YOU might have been dying for him to ask for it.
He is sensitive to the signals like a barometer,
Then he should have known you were sending "mixed" signals.
Ya know, IF he were VERY interested, he would have risked asking. The worst that could have happened was that he would have received a polite rebuff. Sometimes, we assume too much.
Let us know if you track him down. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:59:21 AM | Well, there has been a plethora of good advise here, for which I am grateful, though what's there to advise on? All is clear like a day... the specific behaviours to learn are valuable, sure...
It's funny, I've just realized that a lot of people here sound just like men on the alt.support.shy newsgroup. Well, almost... alt.support.shy is a lot more extreme case where a bunch of male virgins of all ages gather to partly support each other, partly bash women, really hard, for playing games instead of hitting on men, and making men look like aggressors, something not everybody can do. There were a few incredibly intelligent posters out there whom I saw I might like in real life, and at one point almost considered rescuing a local from there, and then they went on talking about school shootings, sympathizing with the shooters - OMG, I am out of there! (ok, that's where the similarities end, that's NOT something I'd remotedly expect from anyone I've known from here). NOW I'll get my bashing...
So, to summarize...
I am shy. My profile says I am shy. My actions say I am shy. I've NEVER been as bold with a man as I was in this incident. Come to think of it: I was the first to make an eye contact. My eyes invited him to approach. I was the first to compliment the guy. I kept my side of the conversation. That's progress, for me. And here I am being bashed by a bunch of shy guys for not accomplishing more, called a game player (please don't tell me again I was not called that, I've already supplied the quotes), and, which is hilarious, told to grow some balls. Talk about projection!  Has your mother told you that when you point a finger at someone, three fingers point back at you??
Now part of the reason why I'd be so shy flirting with a man on the street is, in both my home countries, that would be enough stimulation to make the poor fellow follow you home and wait for you on the street day after day... which would be considered perfectly normal behavior on his part, NOT stalking... there is no word to even describe stalking... so women are under pressure not to do that much... see, call us crazy, but in my home country, men have balls.. women don't... we are not expected or even supposed to meet a man half way... and when I try to point it out, even though I NEVER implied that one culture is superior to the other, I get bashed for imposing my culture on others. Quotes, people! Show me quotes. Otherwise you come across as responding to what you THINK people like me might say, not to what I am actually saying...
Interestingly, for everyone who's on my back here, I've got two sympathetic replies in private... Here is one of the messages I got, reproduced with permission:
I suppose if you're the sort of person who delights in humiliating people on here, it's more fun if you do it publicly? Or perhaps it has something to do with the fact that the civil people are writing you individually because, like me, they want you to hear what they have to say, whereas the bashers are merely interested in showing off. It's one of the reasons I tend to shy away from the forums in general; however, your story touched a chord in me, I guess, and so I felt moved to respond.
Actually, believe it or not... I don't mind being a liberated woman with balls... I mean, if that's what men want here.. (off to grow some). | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:05:58 AM | | You miss an important angle. I was once a serious cyclist. Serious cyclists don't date non-serious cyclists. Keep training, maybe you'll get lucky one day. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:24:45 AM | holy smokes.... there is a cultural clash here to be sure.
.... so women are under pressure not to do that much... see, call us crazy, but in my home country, men have balls.. women don't... we are not expected or even supposed to meet a man half way... and when I try to point it out, even though I NEVER implied that one culture is superior to the other, I get bashed for imposing my culture on others. Quotes, people! Show me quotes. Otherwise you come across as responding to what you THINK people like me might say, not to what I am actually saying...
NO one has said that one culture is superior than the other.
What has been said is that you applied social norms/cultural assumptions from your culture to a new setting where these may not be appropriate or even true.
Actually, believe it or not... I don't mind being a liberated woman with balls... I mean, if that's what men want here.. (off to grow some)
you are focused too much on the saying about 'growing a set'. Few people would get as worked up about this as you have become. This is not projection. I am certain that there is a language issue or some abstraction of thought that is getting in your way of seeing this as nothing more than saying " have some guts!"
It's funny, I've just realized that a lot of people here sound just like men on the alt.support.shy newsgroup. Well, almost... alt.support.shy is a lot more extreme case where a bunch of male virgins of all ages gather to partly support each other, partly bash women, really hard, for playing games instead of hitting on men, and making men look like aggressors, something not everybody can do.
you are incredibly hostile in your judgments about other people yet get incredibly upset with anyone who does the same with you.
YOu make these incredible leaps based upon your perception of what other people are saying or doing. However, when it is pointed out to you that people are merely doing the same thing to you, you become overwrought.
I mean, really, you are simply dripping with hostility and defensive posturing.
As for the people who sympathized with you in private: most people did. Even those who publically disagreed with your manner of expressing it. We ( the people who sympathized ) all understood the effects of missing an opportunity or letting a good thing slip through our fingers.
Then, some of these same people were taken aback by your responses to anyone who posted a negative comment or questioned your assumptions.
If you truly thought that this was an all out attack on you as a person- as opposed to what you wrote or didn't write or how you said it - then you are in for a rude awakening. in the end however, you did reveal things about yourself that showed a side that is somewhat less endearing than your outward shell would imply.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being this way. AS long as you don't complain that people see you that way and don't whine about the consequences of you actions while demanding that everyone bend to your will.
I certainly don't mind that people may see me as an arrogant as.sho.le - it is their perception and their choice. It may or may not be true, depending on the circumstances. it's six of one, half dozen on another. it's all good.
anyway,, good luck with whatever you decide to do.
When you meet up with biker guy- be sure to come back to tell us that it all went well.
I am sure that it will. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:29:37 AM | This sort of thing happens to me and it's so easy to jump to conclusions.
The fact of the matter is that one felt something special!
Beyond that, everything else is just unknown!
Did they feel it too?
Maybe this happens to them twelve times a day!
Are they involved or married?
Where they just being friendly?
Would you even be compatible?
Do they live on the other side of the world?
It's not worth loosing sleep over!
On the other hand, you speak of respectful. Would you prefer the
man was a scum bag of a womanizer that just used his charm to
get into your pants? Be glad that there are still such decent men. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:44:49 AM | ... in an ideal world, he'll strike a conversation. Sure enough, he stops, asks me if I am OK, I say yes, compliment him for his biking skills, and we chat for a while. Problem is, I've just biked 8 miles and I am all sweaty, so I am giving him mixed signals. He is sensitive to the signals like a barometer, I can see he is dying to get my phone number, but eventually I get totally embarrassed by the whole situation, touch the bike's handle bar to pull away, and immediately he wishes me a good day and disappears, and I can see he does so with regret. ...why did he go away?
Opie.... you were the one to initiate the move away..... and he took that final sign from you and did the same. What part of you starting to leave has left you unclear?
I was the first to make an eye contact. My eyes invited him to approach. I was the first to compliment the guy. I kept my side of the conversation. That's progress, for me.
Wunnerful!! Now next time you can take it just a few steps further.... and start by not being the one to initiate LEAVING.....
Next time you stay.... don't up and leave if you're interested..... STAY as long as you can
and keep engaging.... and maybe he'll ask for your number. And if he doesn't, you'll bike
away knowing you did what you could.
So enough with the coulda, shoulda, woulda's..... just take what you've learned here and
apply to the next opportunity.  | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:46:08 AM |
Actually, believe it or not... I don't mind being a liberated woman with balls... I mean, if that's what men want here.. (off to grow some).
No, my dear--grow some ovaries. Balls are VERY unattractive on women. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:52:18 AM |
in both my home countries, that would be enough stimulation to make the poor fellow follow you home and wait for you on the street day after day... which would be considered perfectly normal behavior on his part and the notion of growing some femnads: culture clash. I see the couple of wild and crazy SNL guys.
In my perfect world, it would be good, OK, preferable to have a visitor/guest--conversation at the dinner table is a blessing--there's iconography and scripture to that effect. I've been informed that doing so is the sign of a loose woman in certain areas of the world, that one must be careful because you never know what you're letting into your house--and I've HAD guys sitting at my front porch, giving me cause to climb out a back window. I've been in homes with dirt floors and turkey chicks running through the house where graciousness was palpable and greetings and goodbyes included smiles and tears of joy, in grand ballrooms where the conversation from the formally attired was jaw-dropping filth. So standards of behavior of others is never guaranteed. Shyness, cultural differences, who's the aggressor/pursuer---ahhhh. Figuring it out is perplexing at times, but I tend to want to hold to "back where I come from you're kind to strangers, for you may be in the company of angels." If the conversation is halting, well you're both trying, and that's good. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:47:33 AM |
Actually, believe it or not... I don't mind being a liberated woman with balls... I mean, if that's what men want here.. (off to grow some).
No, my dear--grow some ovaries. Balls are VERY unattractive on women.
BRASS ovaries, gwen..... That's the line I use..... and it fits..... 
Sounds so much better than b*tch... and the connotation is stronger....... | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:55:23 AM | abc6587 said:
Actually, believe it or not... I don't mind being a liberated woman with balls... I mean, if that's what men want here.. (off to grow some).
If you need help with that, I think the Chia Pet people have that in their arsenal. See the link/url below:
http://cgi.ebay.com/Like-Chia-Pet,-Growin'-Dick_W0QQitemZ330238146255QQcmdZViewItem?IMSfp=TL08052213128a9360
(Copy and paste in your browser to get the joke) | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:18:29 PM | You know, OP, regardless of the country or culture, these kinds of interactions go on all the time, every day, everywhere. That momentary zing of attraction happens all the time - and it isn't always about sexual attraction - I've often felt a pull towards another woman or an elderly person. Sometimes we start up a conversation, sometimes we don't . . . I think that's part of our humanity - recognizing a special kind of energy in another and responding to it with a zap of energy of our own.
You're making a big assumption to think that he was dying to get your phone number - it could just as well be that he was just enjoying staying in the circle of your mutual momentary attraction for a few moments longer. It's not necessarily about respect or pursuit or signals or, really, anything . . . when we connect with other people in a positive way, it feels good. And then each of you goes on with your own lives - and his could involve a wife, family, girlfriend, whatever. It really doesn't matter - maybe try letting go of all the over-analysis and appreciate the enjoyable moment, rather than seeing it as a frustration . . . | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:51:40 AM |
OF COURSE I am giving mixed signals, I am a woman for heaven's sake... why did he go away?
And you don't see this as a juvenile thought process?
The fact that he was "dying to get your phone number" should have been enough for you to decide to stop playing high school games of being hard to get. Simple thing to remember for the next time is that you sometimes only get one chance to do something, and once the moment is gone, so is the potential.
Yes you may see him on the same bike trail again, but the first impression is already established, and by not showing interest because you were embarrassed by a situation which he apparently had no issues with, you will seem like someone who needs constant validation, and that is not the most attractive personality trait. Personally I like someone who is confident enough within themselves that they don't need me to make all the initiatives.
Good luck to you, and hopefully I am wrong. | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:43:45 AM | Well nice guys are great because............... nice guys DO finish last ...lol
( I wonder if anyone got that ..??  | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 5/25/2008 2:02:56 PM | Alot of times its not about being "indecisive" its a simple matter of being smart and self-protective. She's wise enough to at least, in the initial meeting, to think that maybe
it could be a dangerous situation as well.. or at least an unsavory one; he's a stranger-- she doesnt know him! To run after a guy simply on looks alone is stupid-- if we let it blind us to all potential outcomes and to jumping in without knowing more... there's also the shy -factor; I am shy around hot men and my anxiety level goes through the roof-- thus sending out all kinds of odd signals to the man! LOL
Thats not how all women are wired of course-- but for myself personally I run from a good looking guy's advances--and thats why I'm on the internet. I simply dont feel secure enough to meet men in person without getting to know them better first or without proper introductions. That doesnt mean if I meet a man in a classroom or work situation where I get to learn more about him that I wouldnt pursue but its scary for some people meeting so fast and off-the-cuff like that. Soe I think her instincts were likely kickin' in -- like it or not!
LOL | |
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| Why are men so darn... respectful?
Posted: 6/4/2008 9:38:09 PM | | Mixed signals? You sound like you are desperate for a man you just met. Relax! For every woman there are 11 men... not sweating! | |
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