| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:35:47 PM | At this point in time, I enjoy being single.
I get to work on some of my foibles and faults, I am saving a lot of money, I have certain projects and goals that I want to accomplish. I am taking advantage of my independence at my leisure.
I don't mind dating once in awhile. But as far as relationships go, well, let's just say there's really got to be a connection that really hits, otherwise, casual dating once in awhile, if at all. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:39:09 PM | In the past, I have made very bad choices when it came to partners. I spent years as a care giver/enabler/co-dependent. I was going to fix these broken men that I seemed to have an affinity for finding. After my last divorce, I spent almost 3 years coming to grips with why I was constantly falling for these bad boy types. It took a lot of self-reflection and introspection to finally admit why I had such bad taste in men. It took even more time and effort to overcome the feeling of 'needing' a man in my life to make me happy or feel complete, to realize that I no longer wanted to fix broken men, that I am worthy of a good-hearted man and a loving, healthy relationship.
I am in such a relationship now. He is a wonderful man who treats me beautifully. We are equals, best friends and considerate, affectionate lovers. We laugh and talk and plan and dream together. A relationship such as this was well worth the wait. And I met him through POF. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:49:09 PM | Well, WeAre1, I would think the answer to this is in your question.
For one can only really tell if something is successful by looking back upon it after trying it.
So, one can only deduce that it is for lack of trying. Fear of failure. Ghosts of past failures? perhaps.
waiting for 'the one'? perhaps
confusing successful with wanting a guarantee this time. ? maybe
I have had two long marriages, both good runs...both ended in divorce, yet I consider them successful. Three wonderful sons, and, hey, I'm still standing, breathing, learning.
What if I never tried.
And research points very clearly to the fact that being 'crazy' in love is sometimes just that. It is similar to a state of mild psychosis, a time really not that suited to make major life changes, yes?
Of course, there has to be a spark and similarities....that's pretty clear. No one would deny this.
I still go to the analogy that two people have got to have both feet in the circle.
and, be willing to try.
And, for reasons unknown to me, but getting clearer, in my past several relationships, either I, or the other person only had one foot in.
I could go on and on....so, let's call this the cliffs note version of what is...only my humble opinion at this time.
cheers
~~~~~~~~ 'Kimbo```````````````````````````````` | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 6:49:30 PM | Awww....ForumFilly, thank you. Your post shares so personally that what was stopping you is not stopping you any more. Well done girl!!!
And Kimbo, yes, perhaps you're right that one can only tell if something is successful after the fact....but I hope not, for otherwise wouldn't one miss the absolute joy and love and beauty of the present if you could only see it by looking back from the future?
That sentence might not make sense, but I'm trying to say I really hope in those moments of bliss that I am conscious enough to realize them right then.
And with that realization, I would have my awareness of 'success' ....of perfection....even if only a moment of it...for that is all we really have...this moment, and then this moment, and then this moment.....and for real success - that those moments would steer the course through the moments of imperfection and challenge and frustration and disagreement....
I totally agree having both feet by both people at the same time in the same circle is essential. And they are both trying to stay there, even when they might lose their balance....that they can help to balance each other and help pull each other back if one has fallen out. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:29:30 PM | With me I think they are: Communication, not knowing them long enough before getting into a relationship with them..
I have the habit of getting into a relationship with a guy less then a month of knowing him. What little i know of them at the time is stuff that make me like them so i get in a relationship with them... without knowing there flaws, values and stuff.. which in the end makes the relationship not work. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:31:52 PM | When I get closer to perfecting my relationship with myself, I'll turn my attention to your question . . .
But in the meantime, it might be worthwhile to think about what you mean by "successful." I treasure each of the relationships I have had - there have been no "bad" ones . . . but if longevity is the main criteria for success, that kind of skews the results.
If you're talking about a magical mixture of harmony and unconditional love that lasts, like, forever - well, considering how uncommon that is, I'd say the only thing that is stopping us is statistical improbability! | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:37:42 PM | come on sans, the reality is that you want a man that is litter trained! well, have i gotta cat for you. my "norman" even knows how to set the clock radio so that you leap out of your skin every evening at five to mexican music suddenly coming out of nowheres. my mexican friends think it's hysterical. it took me several weeks to figure out how to undo it and would you believe, he did it again! just like a man, eh? stubborn... but very cute. just wish he were into jazz.
so let's face it older people. a lot has to do with hormones. modern medicine is just beginning to deal with hormone replacement for men. i wonder if i gave up estrogen replacement if my strong attractions would die off? then, add to that, the fact that people romanticize the non sexual aspects of relationships from the point of view of their own wants. what about just loving a person for who they are and leave it at that?
in my current relationship (2 1/2 years), there are many ups and downs and very practical everyday issues. he is way less of a risk taker, needs lone time, etc. etc. but i can only answer for me. so, i "say" i want to "share" and i do with most things material. but in my living space, i need to have asthetics and a good half of the decision making regarding how i want to live. i cannot live on someone else's auto pilot. i am only willing to go 50-50, but that takes "communication skills" which is not at the top of generalized male attributes.
so now, with someone who has been set in their ways for years and years and who doesn't like change, i have to deal with having a relationship while living apart. that does not fit my original expectations, but it gives him lone time and coping time. he can ask his male buddies how to handle me, etc. etc.
so, if that is so, why am i in it? why not look to meet my dreams and my "supposed" expectations?
for me, i too have had kids in my fifties, although last one moving out in a couple of months. i have lymes disease which scares some people, so i tell it right off as i don't want to waste my own time. but probably the biggest issue is like you sans, i 'm a pretty big personality in person. we've talked on the phone and i know that you just radiate energy. i do in my own way. before lymes, i was the talk of the town quite often. nothing would stop me then.
now, older and tired, men are attracted to the dancer in me, or the kind part or the touchy feelie part--but few can keep up with my mind and my convictions. few know how and are willing to communicate. women have more words, so it takes a special man. even less can understand when out of nowheres, i get a lymes attack and i just have to stop and rest or not do something or deal with physical pain. compared to who i was, it is quite a leap for me. others say, i have more energy than some of the well people they know. but the reality is, i'm unpredictable, unless i pace myself and keep my energy low all the time. that is just against my nature.
my man is very different from me. he's an introvert. he never wanted kids. he was raised in the south (me, i'm a brooklyn jewish girl), he was a hippie while i was fighting the southern challenges in the chicago riots on a more serious note. if i had been a hippie, my parents would have crucified me. i was an exec, a fighter, and most of my time now is spent fighting racism and foster care issues--that is when i am not exhausted by the lymes and the stress. my man is in construction and went to help out louisiana in the floods. he is there for my kids more than most who "like" kids.
so he puts up with me and i put up with him. there is an exchange of meeting "wants" to a degree, but i think despite ourselves and our differences, we have a sort of respect for one another --but also a fear of each other's weaknesses--that one of us could take the other down. kind of wierd, because thus far it's been the exact opposite.
if i had a man more like me in a "succesful" relationship, would we be fighting over the solution to problems that we both share? my man and i have different problems-- so we disagree a lot. but it really doesn't matter because we are not emotionally invested in our disagreements, however annoying. would we balance each other better if we were more a perfect couple? if i did live with someone at this juncture 24/7, would i be able to give it my all or would i be less "attractive" on demand without rest. would i be able to hide and to chill? on the other hand, when the kid moves out--will i be lonely and do i really like sleeping alone 5 (lately 6) of the seven days per week.
all i know is that for me, there is no perfect solution. if i were to wait for a perfect solution, my needs that are being met now, would not be met at all. i would be sleeping alone 7 out of 7 days per week. so, i am willing to risk imperfection, but not to risk being alone forever as a very strong possiblity. i've done it. i'm a strong woman and can care for myself financially. but not emotionally. not physcially in the man/woman sense. so, i leave it to HP (above) to slowly inform me over time as to whether or not i've been successful.
as said above, what is succesful? what is reality is an even more important question to me and can i accept it or leave my head up my butt and not see what is around me? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:46:41 PM |
So, what's stopping you? And then what's really stopping you?
For me it's pretty smiple. I smiply don't trust my choice of women.
Every time I've chosen to allow myself to fall in love with a woman it's led to me getting my ass kicked to the curb sooner and a few times later. I don't even go for a type that I can figger. I'm the only common denominator.
Done the therapy, hugged myself goofy, 'worked on myself', let 'fate' rule, whatever stupid self-help shit there was out there.
Now, I just can't be bothered trying. I really believe that some people just fit the "Other" category and really are not a fit with anyone for whatever reason and that that is the group I happen to belong to. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 7:47:49 PM | yeah, kipa mai, you're probably right about statistical improbability :) ....actually, if you read the whole thread (and it's not very long), you'll see I agree with you that each relationship we have is successful....but it's explained more in the thread because another asked that same question....
and the other part of your post is also answered, um, mostly in my post a few up from yours about what i think i'm looking for.
by the way, Sanguus, your post with your incorrect projection onto my words, i just realized, you never answered the question of this thread at all....so what's stopping you from having what you consider a successful relationship?
okey dokey, gotta go to work now. i look forward to reading the ones i've missed when i get back! (especially the two right above me) | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:01:39 PM | There are plenty of men like me that are very willing to work on a relationship.
There are also (at least) five factors that need to be in a long term relationship in order for it to succeed. Without all of them, eventually the relationship will fall apart. They are:
Friendship
Emotional compatibility (the emotional rush)
Physical compatibility (the physical rush...yes, these are two SEPERATE things!)
Common values
Shared spiritual perspectives/goals
You can have less significant relationships and get some of these fulfilled outside of it, but I'm talking about a relationship where you are complete in and of yourself and your mate is complete in themselves, and the two of you join together and create something that is greater than the sum of it's parts.
My two cents worth (if that)... | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:06:58 PM | | Um, myself? I think I am the reason as to why I can't have a successful relationship. I've met people. But I don't know. I move very slowly, and I am afraid of being hurt. It takes me time to warm up and to trust someone. And the men I meet lack the patients or something. I give off vibes of "not liking someone" even if I do. I am distant. I am not touchy feely or all over someone. I don't even like kissing right away. I am just, not "easy" and rather complicated, and I guess nobody "gets me" it would be nice to have someone who I could click with who could be very understanding of me, and my... issues. I don't know, I guess I am who I am, but it holds me back. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:14:58 PM | Don't think I can answer that..in order to be successful in one..you have to have one first?..lol..
Right now, I'd settle for just someone I enjoy being with to date...
After all my mistakes of the past..the funny thing is, I think at this time in my life I am more capable of having a successful relationship..and now it seems so much more elusive?
Bad timing, as usual...lol... | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 8:25:24 PM | I've had discussions about this before (not talking online here).
Mathematics my friends....
Just think about everything you do and where you go every single day...and every little decision you make.
So to meet "the one"...what are the odds of:
Both of you have to be at the same place at the same time in order to meet
Both of you have to be attracted to one another
Both of you have to be available (single, etc.)
One of you has to go communicate with the other
Etc, etc. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:10:19 PM | The problem is this a lot of people still hold on to there old baggage and who have been hurt to many time's so when they come to a dating site they exspect to hope to find some one to be with but also when it comes to the moment when they decide to meet one get's cold feet and run's that has happend to me a lot on thease sites .
And what's stoping people from realy going out and having a good time and realy getting to know some one is there past they hold on to it as a shield and dose not let any one in and it's sad because most people with kids have the toughest time finding some one because there are people who dont want to asept it or if the person is not weathy enough or set with a home ,car ect they dont want to know you or even if the person should have a disabilty or has physical issues its a problem .thats what i see i have to say i have closed my account seval times on here i got tired of the drama,lie's and the head games people play and whats stoping me from meeting some one is one reason i dont want to get my hopes up and have some one tell me there interested in me and then tell me there not ready thats the key.
iam not afraied to talk to any one by all means but i am not perfect no will i ever be and i do know there is one out there some where who feels as i do.
but also i will not give up i was introduced to another site just say hi and i noticed people where friendly there i mean if u would write to them some will return your letter its like wow and i met a few good people there that can understand and not judgemental,ect
but im sorry if im carring on here but sense the time i became a member here on pof not to offten do i ever have any one say hi to me or say how was my day but on the other site its differnt why is that? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:22:59 PM | Just wondering Mr Internet.
You said "Men and women both have reason and emotion. Men think using reason informed by emotion. Women think using emotion regardless of reason. ".
How can you say..." a woman has reason"... and then say she thinks... "REGARDLESS" of reason?"
Actually, I think you came close to what neurologists are saying.
The blood flow between the thinking and the emotional parts of a womans brain are about 5 times greater than in a man so men cannot register or express emotional subtleties as well as women can. Also the corpus medulla which translates emotions and thoughts into words is also much larger in women so we are much better communicaters in general.
I think the truth is that men and women both have full reasoning faculties but womens perceptions are enhanced by ALSO being able to feel whereas men are more limited in that respect and it affects their judgement.
If men respected this as an "additional" ability that would be great but a lot of men think that if they don't understand women then it's the woman who lacks perception when in fact it's far more likely to be a limitation in the man. Many happily married men know this and value it in their wives perception and abilities. They don't mind respecting it. Men who don't will likely dismiss and try to dominate their wives becuase they don't value their thoughts (since they see them as being inferior) and perhaps that's why so many women are leaving. That's very hard to put up with.
I think some men have a major problem valuing and respecting women because they deeply believe women are inferior to them. Some women even believe it too or play along with the game. It's a pity. It's messing us all up IMHO. I really think it's just bigotry but people take it as a fact and internalise it and it colors all their interactions with the opposite sex.
I happen to appreciate the lack of emotion in men sometimes. It can be useful too in certain circumstances but it's not appropriate for all situations at all.
Back to the thread topic. I and many of my single women friends can't find men that don't have a superiority complex that's usually hidden just below the surface and it's off putting. But as you get older you are wiser and quicker to pick up on it. If they have a bad attitude but they are attractive we way want to have a fling with them but not marry them. That's what I see happening a lot. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 9:40:54 PM | Well, I don't think it's that I'm not finding anybody that I'm attracted to. I am polymorphously perverse, in that I am attracted to all sorts of guys. I think it's that my liabilities have started to far outweigh my assets.
No one else seems willing to admit that. Hey, maybe it's not true for them. It's true for me. | |
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