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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:08:38 PM |
Actually, I think you came close to what neurologists are saying.
The blood flow between the thinking and the emotional parts of a womans brain are about 5 times greater than in a man so men cannot register or express emotional subtleties as well as women can. Also the corpus medulla which translates emotions and thoughts into words is also much larger in women so we are much better communicaters in general.
That is a load of shit. I'd love to see you back that stuff up. I've seen these things stated as 'fact' but if you look at the 'facts' as stated by the experts and studies, there is no real evidence for what you claim. It's more popular myth spouted to make women feel superior to men.
Attitudes stemming from a stance of superiority such as you seem to hold concerning men's perceived lack of emotional depth and inadequate communication skills has led to more than a bit of troubles between the sexes and their difficulties in having successful relationships.
Cheers. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/22/2008 10:38:33 PM | ^^^^ And just to make the point extremely clear...
...Talking is a form of mental abuse - violence - perpetrated against men, by women, on a constant, unremitting, incognizant basis day in and day out.
It's time to draw the line in the sand. You want to gab? Call your girlfriend. You can't just conquer space in my brain without stopping to consider what an invasion it is of my privacy and my humanity. I have a right not to talk. We can talk -- when I'm ready. You cannot clobber me with incessant chatter. It is violence against my person.
If you don't have the compassion to understand that, understand this: the chatter between both halves of the female brain is precisely what makes women less decisive. What men are good for is making decisions. And why we are good at it is that our 'thinking' is not clouded by words. We separate issues, visualize alternatives, and act on them. Our mind is not a phonic stew.
Understand that we love you -- but we don't want to talk about it. Not right now. You don't want us to beat you over the head with clubs. That's fair. We don't want to talk. This is exactly the same thing. Reticence is not a defect of the male character. It's a strength!
- from Rich Zubaty's book Surviving the Feminization of America | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 4:09:25 AM | Constantly moving country probably!
I'm a right Jippo.
That and I don't like it when people seem to change over time... however that's what happens when you live with someone 24/7!!
I need a break from this stuff... who the hell am 'I'!!?!? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:41:41 AM | mess. 35 serenity - thank you for your post. it really helps balance all those posts we see on the forums about settling/not settling. your post shows us the perspective that it is not an issue of one or other other, but of seeing the positive in the relationship you have, rather than seeing it as not your ideal relationship or person.
very illuminating and inspiring.
and tinydancer - i read your post and thought two things. first i thought, "no wonder", but i also thought the men i have always grown close to were really emotional people....so i never believed that 'illusion' that men are not as emotional as women, or as 'good' at communicating......
and then of course the captain and life of leisure here in mess 52 and 53 really confirmed something i've been thinking for some time.....again by seeing the tone of so many posts on these forums and also probably going back to my own parents and their relationship....and my own relationships for of course i suffer from this too....
and that is the issue of superiority/inferiority between not only the sexes, but between people in general. it seems we have become so judgemental, so believing that our opinions and beliefs are the 'right' ones, which means others' must be wrong.....and we are very good at defending our beliefs to death sometimes (wars, crucifixions, etc.).
i have seen this attitude operate in my relationships - a marriage that seemed to see me as inferior (was it him or my own internal mechanism creating that feeling- who knows, truly?...perhaps a bit of both)....and my last relationship - despite so much work on my self, forgiveness, awareness of karma, of ego, of truth.....
and it was all challenged right to the core of both of us -
and it came down to our inability to stop our own ego's long enough to really hear the other's truth and see us as one, not as two seperate people.....which of course we are, technically, but it seems truly for me and my relationships (all my relationships, including my children even)- whenever I am in a place of suffering, inevitably the other person is also in that same place of suffering.
And so I believe as long as we continue to choose to see us as seperate from each other, which obviously comes into this idea of superiority/inferiority, right/wrong, loving/unloving, emotional/unemotional, communicative/uncommunicative/ me/him, us/them......all beliefs based on these attitudes I think are the reason so many relationships break down....or never even become relationships to begin with.
And, life of leisure - I also understand the ideas behind your post. Everyone I think needs their psychic space.....I certainly do....and yet my last relationship suffered because I was talking too much, processing the huge changes in my life too much externally to him instead of internally, as I would normally do in my own life and own space.....I also wondered if our coming off this site and the forums had something to do with the problem, for I did not have this avenue for talking to others, so all talking and processing was limited to doing it within the relationship.....and it drove us both crazy, basically.
Ok, thanks you guys - it's been enlightening for me, anyway, to see what's prevented my relationships from really working.....as well as the 'big' relationship we all have with each other as being part of humanity.  | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 5:48:16 AM | Um, myself? I think I am the reason as to why I can't have a successful relationship. I've met people. But I don't know. I move very slowly, and I am afraid of being hurt. It takes me time to warm up and to trust someone. And the men I meet lack the patients or something. I give off vibes of "not liking someone" even if I do. I am distant. I am not touchy feely or all over someone. I don't even like kissing right away. I am just, not "easy" and rather complicated, and I guess nobody "gets me" it would be nice to have someone who I could click with who could be very understanding of me, and my... issues. I don't know, I guess I am who I am, but it holds me back.
Boy, I saw a LOT of myself in that post. I agree that when I DO meet someone I like, I tend to be so understated (aside from verbal interest) that they aren't convinced I am really into them. Hmmm....
Understand that we love you -- but we don't want to talk about it. Not right now. You don't want us to beat you over the head with clubs. That's fair. We don't want to talk. This is exactly the same thing. Reticence is not a defect of the male character. It's a strength!
- from Rich Zubaty's book Surviving the Feminization of America
I'd love for the men I meet and/or date to read this book - apparently they didn't get the memo they shouldn't want to talk; that'd be refreshing. Most of em talk more than I do, and about emotionally charged topics I don't have interest in responding to - usually their problems (or wanting to know mine). Either something's wrong with them, or the fact that I don't want to talk makes them feel compelled to? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:00:44 AM | For all the lonliness I often feel, for the aching to have someone spoon me before sleep at night, as much as I usually feel I want a partner in crime, and someone who makes me feel that first date thrill everyday for the rest of my life...I'm wondering if there's a possibility that I'm addicted to the chase. It's crossed my mind and quite frankly the notion scares the beegeebers out of me.
Do I really want to be a happy Grandma all by myself?? The notion is somewhat appealing I have to say...the only thing I know for certain is that it is going to have to be a very specific guy that get's to be the step grandaddy. I just hope to god I haven't met him already and lost my opportunity!!
There is one thing that I've come up with that sort of gives me hope, and it's a thought that I'm not exactly sure how to articulate, but here goes...Anything that we are aware of must exist, otherwise we wouldn't be aware of it...so I think... that if I think there is a perfect mate out there for me, than there must be or I wouldn't think that!!!
 
I don't know...soul bearing is complicated stuff I guess!!! | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:41:57 AM | ^^I think so too....in a way I see it as my sensing another great love is on my path this lifetime...but I'm aware it's probably not going to come in the form I imagine, or when I imagine......nor is it going to be what I imagine either :) .....
I think your last thoughts are part of the great mystery of just how powerful can our thoughts and intentions really be? And do those very thoughts come as messages from the ether, or do our thoughts send the messages into the ether....to manifest when and how they are meant to?.....Hmmm, one of life's mysteries for sure and perhaps that's what keeps us all here, writing about it, talking about it, something in all of us gave us this impulse to join this site.
It is that impulse, sometimes unconscious of why exactly we did it, that I think is what forms this natural bond here (and for those who are presently single, especially, addressing this thread.....and please know i am really content in my singledom - it's the coupledom that throws me off balance! :) So, why am I here if I know this?
Because I believe romantic relationships that are truly compatible on all the levels of mental, emotional, physical and spiritual are the greatest tool we have for raising our levels of consciousness and love for ourselves and each other. What holds us back? Truly I suspect it's fear, as some have said here....and disillusionment with love, which makes me very sad.....for many wise ones say we are love, truly to the depths of our being that is what and who we are and I just wish we had not been all so brainwashed to believe our love for ourselves or each other has been 'damaged' through our painful experiences, for I don't think it really can be - I think love is our rock - the only real rock, actually. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:22:44 AM | ^^meaning we have to step aside to let Us through? 
one point about fear - some say unless it is life threatening and our fight or flight response is activated, all other fears are imagined and not real.....just goes to show just how powerful our imaginations really are! i think often we create much of our lives based on our imagination...which extends into expectations, projections and fear of loss....all that destructive stuff......thankfully we are just as capable of creating positive outcomes too! | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:27:14 AM | I am going to say this in the past tense since I am in an awesome relationship right now.
The problem in the past was very simple. Me. First, after my split with the ex, I wanted to play around, did not want anything serious. I did that and had a great time. Then when I began getting more serious with women, I for some reason tended to sabotage the relationships within 3 months. Again, me. Then I was in an open relationship with a very conflicted woman that lasted 9 months. In that relationship I found incredible depth and they type of feelings that you then want to take into a longer lasting relationship. But it was not to be with her. Then I went out with my current girlfriend, and low and behold I didn't sabotage the relationship at 3 months. Instead I did that at 9, when things got more serious and the commitment ferry starts lurking in the shadows. So we did commit to each other, and we are going to try to make it work, and we see things long term, but realize that while all the reasons people list here that are why they are not in a relationship, guess what? You are not going to find that perfect person. NONE OF YOU. That person you need to find it within your self and then realize that you work at making everything else work.
The interesting thing is that I was not looking for this. It just simply found me and hit me with a 2x4 across the eyes and I love it. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:39:04 AM | ok thank you outmind- like serenity said too - it's a major part of the essence for everybody, it seems -
".....but realize that while all the reasons people list here that are why they are not in a relationship, guess what? You are not going to find that perfect person. NONE OF YOU. That person you need to find is within your self and then realize that you work at making everything else work. ...."
it reminds of what eazk said on another thread- that it's not a matter of finding the right person, but of bringing the right person to a relationship. and that really is the truth.  | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:46:17 AM | I think several things come into play.
Do you really know yourself well enough to know what you want and need from a relationship? Really?
Can you identify your own negative characteristics and either work on improving them, or figure out what kind of partner will accept them or act in ways that help minimize them, rather than making them worse?
Do you bring the same essential qualities and characteristics to a relationship that you are seeking in someone else?
Etc.
However, I think the biggest roadblock may simply be that some people lack the patience and persistence to find someone truly compatible in all necessary ways, and will unconsciously settle for someone who has some of the desired qualities, in the hope that those wil be sufficient. Of course, noone is perfect, so being aware of which compromises are acceptable - and to what degree - is a necessary part of making a decision. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:51:43 AM | So, what's stopping you? And then what's really stopping you?
I'm not actively "stopping" myself from being in a relationship. However, it is challenging to get to know someone on here for example as I believe some get easily distracted with all the "options" they have with the opposite gender. I guess the "kid in a candy store" syndrome.
In addition, no attraction/chemistry with some. Then when you do find someone that may be a potential suitor; they don't know what they want or maybe use it as an excuse. Who knows.....I just keep pluggin away at this journey called LIFE!
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 8:10:38 AM |
The interesting thing is that I was not looking for this. It just simply found me and hit me with a 2x4 across the eyes and I love it.
I'm a believer in this - if you think it's missing, you search for it to the extent where it eludes you. If you're happy anyway, and getting out there and enjoying life it will find you anyway. It's SUPPOSED to be a pleasant surprise in an already content life, not a business plan or life project...ick who wants to live like that? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:22:41 AM | What's stopping me from having a successful (if you mean long term/forever) relationship is that I like SO MANY men. There are a BUNCH of guys that I feel both compatible with and attracted to. I don't mean I'm a nympho, I mean that I see "good guys" everywhere, and can see myself with many of them. (This is also why I do not believe in "The One"--I think there are "The Many".)
And a side note: I see many, many people bemoaning their "failed" relationships. Define "failed". You had ten years together and two wonderful children--in what way did you "fail"?! Or you had six fun, exciting months--is that a "failure"? This reminds me of something my mom said to me once. My best friend from high school married a guy I didn't particularly like. They divorced after 17 years of marriage, and my mom said, "Well, I guess you were right about him." HUH--to me, 17 years is a SUCCESSFUL marriage. Just not an eternal one. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:28:55 AM | ^^ Oh DJ, I've been noticing your posts, without really noticing you... and constantly thinking, WoW, this new woman sounds so much like UglyBetty, they should meet. Just took a closer look at your pic... LMAO.
^^meaning we have to step aside to let Us through?
More like use both hands and give a really hard shove is my experience, lol.
Strip it all down and what's always left laying there is my fear.
Ego protects fear, so to say it is Ego doesn't quite go far enough, at least, that's the way it looks to me. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 12:55:57 PM | [quote For all the lonliness I often feel, for the aching to have someone spoon me before sleep at night, as much as I usually feel I want a partner in crime, and someone who makes me feel that first date thrill everyday for the rest of my life...I'm wondering if there's a possibility that I'm addicted to the chase.quote]
the chase can be fun!! | |
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