| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 3:45:29 PM | What's stopping me from having a successful relationship ...
I guess I have to ask what you consider a successful relationship? I've always said that a successful relationship is the one that lasts, to this point I've not had a successful one yet (Otherwise I wouldn't be on POF! haha!)
What I think is stopping me is my inability to ask for what I want, look for what I need or to be able to display my true desires. I'm still very young and although I know I like the commitment and companionship in the relationship it's very hard for me to find anyone I'm compatible with. That's not to say I don't know what I'm looking for, I'm just one to settle way too easily considering the low batting average I've had so far. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:41:35 PM | ^^i know, indigo - poor captain, dear captain. i think there are a few here who have given up......or perhaps are just taking a break....he might be thinking he's in the 'other' category, but what if another 'other' comes along......
and vinceranok - i think you've got a very astute grasp on your self at your age....i'm impressed with this line and really think many could relate to it -
What I think is stopping me is my inability to ask for what I want, look for what I need or to be able to display my true desires. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 6:50:09 PM | | What stops most people from having a successful relationship is the same reason why there are so many divorces. It's simply that YOU CANNOT FIND HAPPINESS IN ANOTHER PERSON. By human nature, that person will disappoint you. There will be some matter that will disappoint you. Some things are real deal breakers. You just simply have to make your own self happy. You cannot depend on another for your boost, or spiritual guidance. If you hold the other person on a pedestal, as if they were God, then they will surely disappoint you. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 7:59:08 PM | Hi !
Well... whats stopping me-
I could have written an entire paragraph- but then I stopped myself and thought, these reasons are jsut that- excuses.
I decided to look at the problem in a slightly left field way, and came up with this- some are happy, always seem to be with different people- they jsut get on with it, don't get phased, I'm not saying this is good or bad, just that some people are cool with this.
However there are others who can fall down a slippery slope, and it works sort of something like this-
imagine the perfect partner- imagine their looks, their clothes, body shape, smile, humour, lifestyle, compatibility- all those things that YOU WANT. Now project them onto the OP and find they come up short- one immediate failed relationship, and you haven't even started yet!
But how about likening any truly worthwhile new encounter to a revolving door- imagine a situation that once you both get started- you can't stop! You have to keep going to get through to the other side. I'm thinking that if one can identify the positive "revolving door" effect in a new relationship, then you should just tuck in anything that might get snagged, and wait for the ride to finish- it might dump you out in a much better place.. If you can't, then...  | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:26:45 PM | Hi
I am knew to the forums.
I belive that my relationships that have nor been successful have been due to meeting setting expectations on the OP and I agree with metalguru.
My dad told me once that expectations are resentments under construction. I have found this to be true for me. So I guess the reason for me is I failed to accept the OP for who they are.
Live and learn..now I only expect them to be just who they are and keep an open mind.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:27:12 PM | Most people (I hope) begin a relationship without thinking it will fail. There is no way to know for sure if it will be successful or not. Only time will tell. I've had a positive experience with every past relationship I've had - the good, the bad and the ugly. And I'll probably keep having them until 'the one' comes along, hopefully sooner than later - lol.
I think the key is not giving up. Try, try and try again until you've exhausted every available man in your city. Then you have to move (giggle). | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:30:16 PM | Hi
I am knew to the forums.
I belive that my relationships that have not been successful have been due to my setting expectations on the OP.
My dad told me once that expectations are resentments under construction. I have found this to be true for me. So I guess the reason for me is:
I failed to accept the OP for who they are.
Live and learn..now I only expect them to be just who they are and keep an open mind.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:53:55 PM | I want to be PURSUED, by the right guy of course.
Sounds easy, right?
Except you read all the trauma and drama out there on these forums and you realize the male pursuit only exists in that wonderful, young naive state.
So I guess what's REALLY stopping me is my jaded age group! | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 9:56:54 PM | I run too fast, or could it be the bloodied axe by the door and the "Do not Cross" tape getting in the way? Would some more feminist badges help? 
I want to know what this definition of a successful relationship could possibly mean, is that where he does his 50% share of the housework? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:05:09 PM | | My my, what a query, what a quagmire! Assumptions could abound here, like simply understanding successful as long in term. Likewise, the horse/cart analogy rule applies. To be simplistic and not overdose on philosophical gymnastics (which I do too often), the real stopper is found in the fact that my pond is tiny and most willing participant's wisdom reminds me of the fact that long distance relationships are difficult at best. I'm willing to compromise on this issue, yet find myself somewhat loath to putter 200 miles only to drive home full of hating guts. Then again, I am perfectly willing to do whatever it may take to find what I am looking for regardless of the initial limiting factors. Just point me in the right direction! | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:06:19 PM | Well, of course, it's the men's fault that I don't have successful relationships. They're too nice or too mean, too poor or too pretentious, too loud or too shy, too smothering or too distant, big/small, far/near, tan/pale, it's always something.
It's all their fault, & absolutely none of mine. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 10:56:33 PM | | Of course str8ahd is correct in absolutness, for I have found my own mercurical rise to utter mediocrity languishing in all those terrible toos. Like most men, I compensate for the staggering damage this has done to my self confidence by developing an oh-so-cute sense of arrogance. | |
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42 4 U
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Joined: 2/18/2008
Msg: 90 | |
| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:43:45 PM | Another excellent,and very relevant thread I agree with the OP.Its very hard to find someone who is compatible on enough levels to make a relationship possible.Its not that I'm that hung up on looks,but physical attraction is very important.
Also,most women I meet are already with someone.I also don't want to "settle",and don't expect her to either.As for money and materialistic things,they are what they are.In the long run,it doesn't mean a thing if you're not happy.
As I've gotten older,the people in my age range have gotten more bitter,distrustful,and more set in they're ways.I won't say I haven't changed,but I believe I've grown in a positive way,and my potential mates don't seem to recognize this.All they seem to see are the negative side of everything,and I find this very frustrating.Life is what you make it,so whats the point of being so negative,angry,snobby,etc?Why not just live and be happy?
I guess I would be a lot happier if everybody thought this way | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:36:38 AM | Finding someone who is truly compatible, who you are attracted to and who wants the same things is really hard! At age 50, I think Imay have found the man for me but it's early days so I'm trying to take it slow and steady. How did I find him? Because I had the determination to go out there and keep on keeping on - date after hopeless date and when I met him after months of emails I wasn't expecting there to be any chemistry in person, that would have just been too good to be true. But there was and we're thrilled to bits with eachother. It's not perfect though, we live more than 4 hours drive apart and both have kids so it's going to take determination to make this work.
I'm trying not to expect too much and to just take each day as it comes but being with him does throw into relief the hoplessness of my other relationships when I tended to go for men who I was very attracted to but had very little in common with. So you're right OP, those are the qualities that count, if you want a satisfying relationship. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 12:41:35 AM | yes i agree with u OP with me its the same thing.i have a hard time finding both someone that im attracted to and someone that im compatible with.some people think im picky but i dont think i am.im definately not looking for a barbie doll or a model.im not very complicated.
one thing that i could really point out would be someone whos very down to earth and simple.that is something that i really find is hard to find.in my town i find its very snobish and not very down to earth.
i like real people. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 5:03:56 AM | Hey you guys. Thanks for really trying to answer my question. It seems (theoretically and in an ideal world) that if we can each find what's holding us back, what's bringing us back to this place of looking again, and understanding truly what our previous relationships have taught us - where they were great and where they were not so great - where you were great and where you were not so great in them - what else in others was great for you and what was not so great - if we can actually put our attention into figuring this stuff out as much as we advise others here  (and I know how guilty I am of that!!), then I think we will realize we truly hold the keys to unlock the door ourselves into finding what we are looking for.
Quicksilver - you ask, as others have here also
I want to know what this definition of a successful relationship could possibly mean
and I do see how that was the wrong word in many ways when I started this post, as several have had the same issue with this thread. (course that might just be a defense mechanism not to get into really doing some self reflection :).....and I did explain it somewhere earlier that I absolutely feel all my relationships have been utterly successful in what I and the other person were meant to go through - for I really believe our lives are exactly the journeys we are meant to be on - or we would not be on them! (even the most painful and puzzling stuff seem to be such amazing teachers and lessons for us).
I also totally believe there are times we are meant to be in relationship and times we are not meant to be, and those times are when we are meant to be in relationship with ourselves especially - and that's why no one else is there to distract us from doing some self work - perhaps healing, forgiving, strengthening, studying, resting, grieving - whatever it might be that you need - being single is the time to focus on that so that we have truly assimilated our lessons from the past before entering another relationship, or the next step of our journey. And often we are in transition too moving through space like stepping stones from the past through the present preparing for the future.
Are we all meant to be in and find relationships that are truly loving? I don't know. But to me that is what I would define as a successful relationship. It does not mean long term, necessarily, unless that is a factor you need to feel success. But for me it does have to generate love - more love than each person individually can. And to do that, of course, both people need to bring to the relationship lots of love - for themselves, for others and for the place we live (the planet).
And, for me, with love comes respect and empathy. So, I guess the essence of a successful relationship for me is based on love, respect and empathy.
But it's quite an individual thing - so it's not for me to say what a successful relationship would be for you - that's part of the work for you to do and figure out.
My hope is if we can really start defining and finding in ourselves what we really want to bring, what we really want to find, and what we have done in the past that helped our relationships, as well as hindered - my hope is we will all be more aware of how each of us can fulfill what we really wish - that each of us will feel really content, really loving and loved, and really be at peace within our selves, and then we can offer all of that to others.
My hope is we can bring to our relationships something that seems so rare these days - and that is honor and reverence and utter respect and gratitude for them - so much so we won't give up on them so easily - we won't give up on each other so easily - and we won't give up on ourselves either -for it's always us who makes or breaks something with our attitude, or so it seems to me. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:12:30 AM | | For me it's simple...i'm attracted to attractive women...not some abstract definition of attractive...most attractive women,NOT ALL,know it and use it...people tell "look on the inside" i know they are speaking the truth but i have been trying to find both inner and outer beauty...it's difficult at best. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:10:24 AM | I think men are afraid I'll run over their toes!  (I do that only on Tuesdays)
Or automatically think, "she can't have sex". (think again)
Alright, I'll try to be serious, (although it's a beautiful day and I feel like frolicing).
The above reasons are more for "wanting to meet me", rather than "successful relationship" once we've met.
Deep truthful answer here:
I've got this dang strong personality and tend to ride over (no pun was intended, LOL) a man.
See, 'weak' personalities are attracted to 'strong' ones...and that's what I've run across, (again no pun was intended, LOL!).
What I need, for success in a relationship, is to be allowed to be the soft side.
I've got a gigantic soft side within my personality... I've met only one man who let me relax in it, and to be "under him" (hehe, not talking sex right now) was wonderful.
Yeah, I'm one of those women who truly believes the man is the Leader/Protector of his woman. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:05:24 AM | str8ahd:
That is not only fun and funny; but oh so true! (jokingly) It's never my fault either, no matter what. A great sense of humor, one after my own heart! (good girl- keep em moving) Naw, all jokes aside, I just thought I was the only one who used that phrase "Never my fault" | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 6:59:37 PM |
^^i know, indigo - poor captain, dear captain.
Geez... put like that it makes me sound like a whiny looooooooser-boy.
I am many things and have been even more, like weinie-head, pooper-head, shit-head, lout, and even a swine on occasion, but I've NEVER been a loser.
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