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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:18:45 PM |
My darling indigo.... believe that if I ever get to a place where I trust myself to (The L word) a woman, I'd be storming the fortress walls despite the Killer Kitties and all the other defences.
Should that day come, I'm the guy NOT wearing the over-sized sports jersey or bandana (red, blue, black) and my boxers do NOT show above the belt loops of my pants.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 10:29:17 PM | Timing/circumstance/lack of chemistry , I could go on and on I *guess* but what is probably the recurring theme, with me anyway, is I can't find that happy medium - meeting someone who is confident in who they are , like I've learned to be , and secure enough in a relationship where they don't need to play games /have drama. I know I know the horrible catchphrase game playing but it's true , in an adult world we should be able to mean what we say and say what we mean! (sometimes it sucks but it's whats best!)
That and the fact I seem to either be dating guys who can't make the time or put in the effort to work on a relationship *OR* the complete opposite, they want all the attention , get whiny and clingy - and that's a major turnoff for *everyone* I think.
I figured the older I got the easier it would be ..... .WRONG WRONG WRONG!
There's hope for us all though, I mean we've had successful relationships in the past, it *will* happen again , keep the faith.
and that was about as positive as you'll ever see me on a POF forum haha | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/24/2008 11:58:29 PM | Lack of desperation and loss of the belief in 'the dream' as being achievable with every attractive, interested female I come across due to things that are out of my power to influence, pretty much. The words that come to mind are 'appropriateness' and 'comfortable'.
I've had the dream of having a family in a lovely 'Walton's' way knocked out of me by a vindictive destructive ex and lost, piece by piece, the family I created when I was 19. That tends to force you to face up to the reality of what a relationship gone-wrong looks like.
I've seen this happen to a lot of men my age - and even to chaps in their late 50's who's wives never gave a sign of unhappiness but who, at some key point such as the youngest child leaving home, will turn to their partners and say 'that's it, I'm off'. Of course there are men who do it to women too. I've learned it takes at least 5 years to find out what someone's really like and the cost of getting it wrong can last years. Tongue in cheek I'd like to be a millionaire before I next get involved again like that - I need to be able to afford the divorce. Paul McCartney's got the right stuff.
I've also developed the ability to 'see' what's really in front of me in terms of personality (looks are good but just a tick box thing for me now) and find all kinds of ladies have all kinds of behavioural patterns that would not make them suitable for trying the kind of relationship I'd want to be in (the kind of relationship most say they are looking for but can't seem to get).
I'm involved in a lot of relationship-repair amongst colleagues I manage and I would say the number one thing for people to realise is that no-one fully shares another's reality - every single one of us actually lives on a completely different planet - so we have two realities coming together and what they need to create is a jointly shared third reality.
It's whether or not each of you is signed up to that third reality, or even accepts there needs to be that third reality, that decides if it can work. What surprises me sometimes is how different the people I manage are but I get them to sign up and be happy to that third reality called 'work'. At 'work' if you aren't signed up you don't get to take part.
I would like to see romantic relationships contractualised, tbh. Marriage certificates are meant to provide this 'third reality' but marriage serves the needs of the state and not the needs of the individuals involved.
Where I live all the hindus and the muslims and the sikhs (and sometimes the christians but you don't see many of those much anywhere any more) are having a much happier time of it generally and the ladies aren't running away from their men much (although when it does happen it looks really painful). I have considered signing up to a church just to meet some of these 'decent' women but I'm too much of a committed atheist for that kind of thing and tend to think of myself as more christian than many of the christians I've met.
A lot of whether or not we get it together with someone is decided in our unconscious, not our conscious, and the verbal and rational stuff that comes out of our brains and mouths is just the sad little effort of us trying to pretend we have a degree of control over it. Searching for control and power are the very things that undermine relationships although you do have to have enough of them - enough responsibilities and rights in relation to the third reality - to make it work for you. This is a careful balancing act.
To balance in this way you need someone who is able to look at themselves honestly and admit you exclusively to their deepest sense of self and you have to be willing to do the same and for that you need a lot of trust. I find it rare a woman is willing to expose her inner self like that to me - but the rate of meeting such women is increasing due to my job - unfortunately all of them are married. Once you introduce the possibility of an appropriate sexual relationship you find you're dealing with the strange coquettish behaviour of the peahen rather than the friend you were once close to and that can kill things a bit. I have better relationships with women sexually unavailable to me than I do with women who have targetted me for 'romance'.
So the first thing I look for is honesty in a partner. Do they have the ability to sit down and honestly have a discussion about us. Are they forgiving? Are they tolerant? Not that I'm planning on doing anything to stimulate her to think that way but well sometimes I get up in the morning a grumpy git and I don't want to be reminded 10 years later of the morning 10 years before I got up a grumpy git and that's why she's had an affair.
Another contributing factor is a lack of women who make me feel comfortable - because it's actually 'a war' out there! For example I like to go speed dating (don't ask me why) and the number of women who sit down who immediately criticise you or attempt to 'put you in your place' is quite high. Women are actually more interested in me if I tell them they're not 'good enough' for some reason. They'll start to argue they are. So if I'm not physically attracted to a woman she'll start to explain to me I need to give it a shot and she'll even start touching me. A lot of it is reverse psychology.
One poster has remarked that men regard themselves as 'superior'; yet almost all women I come across look down on men in some way. I tend to think women see men as 'dogs' to be punished or rewarded for good behaviour and other women as cats! I've talked to a few ladies about this and they've agreed they do see things that way. I am no doggie. I am a doggie who knows when he's being classified as a doggie and wants out from the 'good boy!' treatment.
Many women I come across think I can be manipulated with sex and either use sexual imagery to try and get me interested or treat me as a perv (with no evidence I am one, by the way!) when they talk to me and put me in my place accordingly - both approaches are wrong. 'Respectfully' is how I want to be treated and a lot of women don't have that in them when it comes to men.
So I would say prejudice is the main cause of my finding someone to create that 'third reality' with. I've found once a lady turns up and 'stamps' you with her stamp of prejudice she's so determined to keep the power of 'being right' there's not a chance of undoing her way of thinking no matter how much you like her.
Having said all that, I think all this speculation is superficial. I think it's 'nature' that's actually running the show and realising you have very little control of things (and let's realise that if there is 'something wrong with you you need to change' it can actually take years of self-work to make that change).
The answer to finding the 'one', I think, is meeting with as many people as you can with a view to get as close to a 'near miss' as possible so there's not too much to negotiate when it comes to that 'third reality' stuff.
I need a cup of tea. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:24:51 AM | We, Nothing ...other than closing the distance between us now. Met someone via this venue over seven months ago ...and it will be eight months early next month when she heads to TX again for our eighth 'date'. New meaning for "that time of the month", no?
Actually, it was my letting her add new meaning to my life that inspired me to drive her way for our first in-person meeting and 'date'.
Upon meeting for a picnic near the beach, we discovered serendipitously that we were more attracted to one another than as kindred spirits and friends at-a-distance. That nothing kept us from acting on our basic instincts and acquired intuitions was a short leap of faith from there, and yes, it's not easy for us to get together as often and for as long as either would like, but when we do ...life seems so much easier and understandable for the 'surrendering to each other's considerations. We're not perfect, but we're working at it. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 4:29:27 AM | Solarpanel, thank you for your honest and detailed post. The part that especially stood out for me in it was this -
"....I would say the number one thing for people to realise is that no-one fully shares another's reality - every single one of us actually lives on a completely different planet - so we have two realities coming together and what they need to create is a jointly shared third reality....."
Only slight difference is I believe we're definitely on the same planet, made up of the same stuff in different proportions, and that is what creates this illusion that we are so different with quite different realities....though I agree it exists and seems to cause much challenge to remember how you see things is definitely not automatically going to be the way the other sees things and both perspectives are valid.
Also, the idea that together we create a third reality - yes - it reminds me of the other thread that got into that idea asking do we complement or complete each other....the visual of two whole individuals (circles overlapping) and together creating a third 'wholeness'.
I also understand your ideas that we might have far less control over our relationships than we imagine...but I also think we can learn to act and react with more consciousness (rather than being unconscious) - so more awareness than less - to pay attention to our own mechanisms and take responsibility, knowing we have the ability to truly support each other and our relationships by being more understanding and loving....as well as recognize our equal ability to destroy them by withdrawing our love, our understanding, and our respect for the other person and the relationship. So, it may be unconscious in some ways, and yet if we do not take responsibility for our own thoughts, feelings, actions, reactions, who will? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:49:15 AM | How about this for a concept.
It isn't EVERYONE it is us. Poster people. We post because we love to analyze the poster, the thread right down to the tiniest little word.
We should admit it ... we posters just analyze everything to death. That is why we are here, that is why we love to post.
IT'S OUR NATURE
Most people on POF don't post and just go about their way spending time meeting and dating ... but not us !!! We spend most of our time over analyzing why we are not dating. Hahaha
Also we are the ones who are doing the complaining about not finding *The One*. Wonder why? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:35:00 AM | ^^laughing - ya mean because we're talking about it here instead of doing it 'out there'?
(i imagine others are talking too, but just not here for the whole world to see !)
we are really analytical, aren't we - my excuse is i'm trying to clarify and learn from others too, so when and if the time comes i find another i am attracted to and miraculously am compatible with too! - that I might actually not .....that one up.  | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:19:39 AM | My question was, "Well, what is stopping us all from having successful relationships?!"
Err, well, lack of a woman would be a real biggie for me! 
Seriously: we're ALL f*cked up to some degree. It's a matter of finding someone who's willing to admit that S/HE is ALSO f*cked up, and is willing to cut you a little slack for your foibles, and you being willing in turn to cut THEM some slack for THEIRS.
Arlo | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:33:57 AM | (BLUE EYES712) finding a person that doesnt intentionally hurt me in some way.
I'm saddened that you think that people "intentionally hurt [you]". Almost always, they don't; it's usually because they're incompatible with you, and they're just doing their thing. Doesn't make them bad, or evil, or anything of the sort; just not for you.
Had a bad date last night: she took me to a semi-private dance party (iffy from the outset) where she knew everyone, and I knew no one. She eventually drifted away from me to hang with her friends, leaving me to my own devices (never a good idea -- especially if there are combustibles around...) so I found her, told her I had to go; then, I did. I was more than a little miffed by it, but after a good night's sleep, I realize that she was just acting herself; she wasn't MALICIOUSLY trying to "hurt" me.
Arlo
Most misunderstandings are just that: misunderstandings. Not pure unadulterated Evil. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:00:38 PM | "What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?"
It never even entered my mind that I wouldn't find the woman I was compatable with or wanted to be with and she would want to be with me.
When my ex left for the last time I put that part of my life in a box (As much as I could) and started working on my new life.
I had a few shaky first dates while I figured out who I was and what I wanted.
I re made my profile a few times to make it interesting to only those I would find interesting.
Then I set out with determination and enthusiasm to meet her.
I dated several women but quickly found they were not what I wanted so I moved on.
I didn't get all hung up and emotional when it didn't work I just moved on, looking for her.
Funny thing was she found me. The way she found me was soooo unlikely we still marvel at it.
Any how I believe the biggest part was I never doubted, I entered every new relationship with the mind set that it was the one until I found it wasn't. I was never afraid of letting my self be vulnerable, I didn't try to protect my self by being suspicious or cynical. And it worked.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:07:09 PM | What is stopping me is my trust issues with women. I have been screwed over the last two times that I was serious with a woman. They took my trust and pulverized it for no reason. Part of it is my fault, I think I find a great woman who is nice and sweet and then they completely turn on me for no reason (and can't give me a reason either)
Plus, I cannot find a decent woman. I keep finding women who have bad attitudes or who don't fit what I am looking for. Just about all the good women are taken for, or are EXTREMELY hard to find, at least around where I live that is (maybe it isn't true elsewhere, but here it is). | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:42:53 AM |
My question was, "Well, what is stopping us all from having successful relationships?!"
I guess that depends on how you define successful.
(1) If you define successful as a relationship with the person who has everything I want, then it's unlikely I'll ever have a successful relationship, since I want a lot;
(2) If you define successful as a relationship with someone who meets enough criteria that I can be involved with her for a while, then once I had the epiphany spelled out in (1), I've had lots of successful relationships. Those relationships never got as far as marriage, but were successful for as long as they lasted. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a FULFILLING relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 1:26:10 AM | Hmmm....seems several people are getting hung up on the word successful.
I know I've tried to explain my meaning of it here and got it down to 'a truly loving relationship' is my definition of a successful relationship.
But perhaps part of finding your answers to the question requires your defining what the word successful means for you because my beliefs might be very different than yours......
So, if I were to start this thread again, realizing now that word would be an issue -
perhaps try these questions instead -
What's stopping you from having a really loving relationship?
or
What's stopping you from having a really fulfilling relationship? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a FULFILLING relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:28:19 AM | | It's been said that there's someone for everyone in this world. But I have no idea how to find her. I was sexually abused as a kid, and after years of psych found out that there are some things we can't change, we just have to live with it. I crossdress; not all the time, and only in private (it's not a hobby, it's a result of psychological trauma during my development; it isn't something that will ever go away. Suppressing it just causes outbreaks of other abnormal behavior). That alone limits me to less than 1 % of the female population. And, fat turns me off, that eliminates oh, about 80% of the previous 1%, obesity being the norm in America. So, lets say that I'm searching for one of approximately 260,000 women. Sounds decent, right? Not really. That's about 3 out of every 1000 women. That being difficult enough, I've been blackmailed over the CD'ing so I won't post a face picture so it won't happen again, leaving online chances slim, as most women won't talk to anyone without a picture. Now, add to all that finding someone even the least bit compatible. So, despite having a good job, not having any substance abuse issues, being disease free, having all other social skills, having learned to overcome all the downsides of being brought up to be a 'nice guy', my chances are still virtually nil. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 10:47:09 AM | heres a theory of mine
"whats stopping you (not op specificly) from having a good relationship.
i should just say this isn't in anyway a post against the op of this thread, it's more of an
in general" post.
first, everyone lies at some point about themselves when they are meeting someone, and it could be small things, or it could be a big thing.
secondly, all the men on this site have the exact same thing on thier profiles (with minor differences of course)
thirdly, why is it every girl i talk to says "i don't care about looks, it is how a person acts" and yet, when it comes to meeting, dating, the guy isn't "good looking" enough or they have the wrong hair colour, and other things like that.
back on topic now,
maybe if you people (men and women) are honest with yourselves and realize that if you're planning on getting married, having children or just starting a life out together, that the "good looking hunk guy" isn't going to be your best option always (not saying good looking people are bad people, its just an example) if the person loves to party, and hes good looking enough to pick up girls at the bar really easily, maybe you don't want to get into any kind of relationship with him knowing this fact.
just think about what you want, and who is willing to give that to you, and try not to make looks 100% of your descision | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/26/2008 11:59:42 AM | The biggest reason that stops me is Shyness...
I've know girls to virtually throw themselves at me & even though I've liked them too, I've not responded: like I was bound & gagged or something lol.
If eg. a pretty girl even speaks to me I just go red in the face (even at age 36) so I always find a quick escape out of a conversation or just dont speak & probably seam uninterested.
Its crazy because sometimes I'm very confident, like meeting girls in town for a drink off this site. It seams once the 'ice has broken' I'm okay. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:33:17 PM | The only thing stopping me at the moment is something called distance. If that hurdle is somehow overcome, then we will figure out if it will be successful.
Beyond that, my situation has for the most part has limited my options for having a successful relationship. Although not all dates have to necessarily involve spending money, there is almost the expectation from women that eventually a date has to involve spending money. | |
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