| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:12:05 PM | hey juno-first - i hear you about your shyness. i know i get very nervous leading up to that first meeting if it's with someone from the site, so virtually a blind meet. and yet, i've learned to hide it by taking lots of deep breaths and realizing it's always awkward those first few minutes until everyone starts to calm down. anyway, it sounds like you're a bit more extreme, so i wonder if some form of behavioral counselling, or something like that, might be just the thing to help you get past this on a more predicatable level.... so i'm sure there is help to overcome your fears - as a great book i've had for years says - 'Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway'. 
and mwg - i agree it's really hard to find what we think we're looking for. i know i have friends and family that say to stop looking - not realizing this site has so much more to it than just profiles, (unlike traditional dating sites). and really i'm taking a back seat, but once in a while, someone here on the forums just immediately has my attention by something they've written - and i can't help but explore who they are then. perhaps you might get a glimpse of something in someone here in the forums too, and i know it's often distance then becomes a factor, but i still try and stay open-minded just in case that person is meant to be with me in some capacity. plus i don't think you ever really get a true sense of someone unless you meet and see who they really are in person.....course then 9 times out of 10, there's no attraction then! :)
EDIT to add - from below - awwww, i don't know whether to laugh or cry at your post! | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:18:46 PM | My reason is the same as yours We.
I'm not picky either, I just know what I like.
Don't ya love those people who automatically assume you're holding out for a supermodel but in the same breath will tell you that nobody should ever settle ?
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:39:49 PM | ^^^ You know, as I get older, I start to wonder just how much is really in our control - although I say all the time and believe we are responsible for our lives, for our actions, reactions, love, joy, and pain and sorrow too (responsible for how we deal with all the things we all go through)......part of me has started to wonder, truly, how much is us and how much is as much what 'the universe' has in store for us.
I know this probably will sound like I'm nuts (and those who know me well know I really am...giggle)...but it started coming to me about 6 years ago when I had a wonderful counsellor and I was trying to decide which country to live in (dual citizen, children and loved ones in both), and she told me something I'll never forget. She said the universe will always support the highest good for everyone involved. (And she was not a spiritual kook at all.) She also said as long as I was sitting on the fence and not deciding, the universe would support my indecision.
Just thought I'd throw that out there as a thought. That's all. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:52:53 PM | I move every 2-4 years on average, but I will be retiring soon so no more moving around, I have moved 10x in the last 28 yrs. And it would take me at least 3-4 years of knowing someone before I would take it beyond the point of no return lol. . | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 4:15:01 PM | ^^Yes, moving can be pretty devastating for settling down with one special one, for sure, if they are not 'the moving type'. For me, ever since I left my marital home and country (that I had been a single parent in for the previous 10 years) - um, I just counted it - I've moved 14 times in the last 8 years, 3 of which were international moves, 4 were inter state moves in this country, and the other 7 were local moves right here in this area of the Cape. Thankfully I do have a home-base here, believe it or not.
I guess it's just like when we are young, it seems - if you move a lot, it's very hard to make friends (or relationships) for life....or what's left of life when you get older. :)
So, like you, league, I guess my moving would, from the outside, look like a major factor in my not being 'successful' in my relationships - though the truth is my biggest moves in my life have been due to relationships and seeing just how far my heart took me!  | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:42:34 PM | I know what is stopping me from having a successful relationship... my lies! i never learned to be honest with a spouse... i think its becuz my mom was not honest with any of hers.... sad to blame it on her cuz i shouldve learned from her mistakes but i am now.... i am being completely honest with my boyfriend and have been since the beginning its scary but neccessary to have a good relationship for me anyway... | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 7:43:35 PM | Mess. 135: did you mean "harmlessly eccentric" or "a kind of insane"?
message above: I don't know.... when I am Honest, everybody barks at me! That's the merit of virtue! I was nothing but honest and I received a bunch of anger in return.....would have they liked lies better? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/28/2008 8:32:58 PM | | This is a really good topic and can cause some to really reason out what their problem is. I have ran this same question through my brain for many years. I used to blame myself for all of my problems and finally decided, after numerous friends have tried to help me with my problem, that the blame doesn't all fall on me. I guess that I am just a slow learner. (smile). I married too young (still in my teens) and was very trusting and too impressionable. I thought that I had the greatest man in the world and was very lucky to have such a great person in my life. We were in a very public position for many years and he was a very sociable person and very well liked by all. I can see now that it was a public front and that at home things were quiet different. He was a few years older and was emotionally and pschologically abusive to me in a subtle way that others usually did not see. He left after 15 years of marriage and really made some killer blows as he departed to justify his leaving for another woman. One thing that stuck in my mind for years, and I have really had a hard time getting past this, was the night that he left our home, his parting shot was " If no one else would have you, what makes you think that I want you?" After years of having my self esteem being torn to shreds, that one really hit the bulls eye. After that, if I met someone that I thought was attractive and suitable, if they were interested in me, the least bit, I became so disappointed in them and thought " I would have thought they would want better than that!" and would have not been receptive at all to a relationship. Now that I am older and can see things more clearly, I am so amazed at how old we all seem and am not as interested as when I was younger. But my main problem really falls back to my low self esteem, and I know that that is too much for another to handle on a regular basis. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:36:24 PM | | It's me. Like Miss Dix, my self esteem is just not there when I need it. There was too much emotional abuse, starting with my mother, continued by my ex-wife. I don't hold my problems of the past against others, but women see right away that I get hurt easily, and the baggage comes from me beating myself up. The nice ones run, and the mean ones try to exploit it. It really is me. There is always hope, but I would need to meet one very patient woman! I have gotten this far in life, I can survive alone. But it would be nice......... | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:43:01 PM | hey readyornot and missdix - ya know, we all carry stuff and definitely some stuff is almost too much and the weight becomes a burden and all too apparent to us and others who become close to us. and in those times, they say to seek help. self esteem is not easy to redeem by ourselves, but there are some wonderful people who are being counsellors and might be able to start the healing to set you both on a positive path quicker than doing it by yourselves. just a thought.....good luck and please know, so many share similar experiences. truly none of us are nearly as alone as we feel sometimes.
seek  and it will be there for you. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:48:10 PM | I would imagine that it is the amount of time I spend on the road ... ties directly in with my job, which is what always seems to keep me on the move ... I'm sure that many potential suitors would see what I do as being very untraditional and therefore would hesitate to attempt having a relationship with me ... but working as I do is a great way to fully explore and engage life and allows me the opportunity to travel extensively doing something that I love and then, when I'm done, I come home to be still and don't have to worry about the old traditional 9-5 routine ... it's a great balance ... many couples that I know who work in the special events industry as I do have super - great relationships and their lives are FULL ... but they were already established as partners prior to hitting the road.
I meet so many incredible women / people as I travel ... I'm just not in any one place for very long so it's difficult to establish a true connection and be in a position to grow / nurture the relationship and I've never been one to just "hit it" and then leave town to "hit it" again somewhere else ... I'm sure that a lot of people think that I have a girlfriend in every town ... not wanting to sound cocky but I could if I wanted as it's just the nature of being on tour ... it's just never been my style.
What's really stopping me from having a successful relationship? See what I wrote above ... and add the fact that I really, really, REALLY love what I do and don't see myself giving it all up for something that may or may not work out. Someone out there will, one day, see what I have to offer as a person and will want too be a part of who I am, what I do and how I have structured my life ... it's a dream life ... and when they do, we will build upon something that is satisfying beyond belief and will want to play an active roll in kicking it to a whole new level ... they will have the time of their lives ... and have the love and commitment of a very supportive and actively engaging partner.
jeffery | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:06:16 PM | Wow loaded question here lol. I don't know why, i really wish i did cause that would make this dating thing a lot easier. I guess im never happy, weither its with the car i drive, or the place i live or the work i do im always looking for something more. When it comes to women i haven't found one that can make me 100% happy. I thought my most recent ex did but now that i look back i wasn't 100% happy, and obviously neither was she.
I really don't think you can put your finger on one or two things that if changed would allow you to have a successful relationship. There are a number of factors but one constant is plain ole luck. You can use these dating sites till your fingers fall off and do their little personality test and so on and so forth. However you just have to get lucky now and then and find the 1 in a billion, till then your just more or less wasting time. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:02:30 PM | | Weare1... I am doing well and have adapted well in the last few years but I do realize that I will probably remain single as that is how I have been for the last 27 years. I no longer beat my self up over everything and have learned that all of the world's problems did not originate with me. For the longest time after I was divorced, I still could not understand it but little by little as years have past, things just fall into place for me and I can see things differently, sometimes like a book unfolding before me and I think "Why could I not see that before?" I still become overwhelmed at times by it all and I think that it is suppressed anger and I have nowhere to vent it and I do go back into counsiling for a time. Life goes on and we have to take each day as it comes. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/4/2008 10:19:13 PM | | I'm not so concerned with the relationship part as so much the initial task of meeting someone I find interesting enough to have a relationship with. Everyone I know has married and/or started a family by now. If I could go back in time 10 years I would marry the love of my life at the time. Alas I cannot, so I find myself the last bachelor in my group of friends. Most woman that interest me have been already snatched up. To boot I'm a late bloomer, haven't made my fortune yet, which is another mark against a guy in his 30s. Just find myself at the wrong age to be single. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:54:51 AM | Tricks for a Better Relationship
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the docotor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies.
No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on
your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person,
and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week
you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office
a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden
expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the
best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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