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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:43:46 PM | What's really stopping me from having a successful relationship?
Hmmm...because I won't just "settle" for whatever comes along. I know what I want and what I do not want thanks to past relationships. IF I meet a man who compliments my life as I would his, provides a little intelectual mystery, and excepts me for who I am faults and all (as I would him) THEN I'll have a successful relationship.
Brat | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:33:06 AM | I've found that I can meet a man at a party or a pub, and he'll spend the evening chatting me up ... then I invite him to go to church with me. It's amazing how fast they disappear!
Saves me a lot of time and energy, I guess, to weed out the non-keepers with a simple invite. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:38:01 AM |
REALLY STOPPING ME:
- money. I’ve been self employed doing the same thing for 35 years.
Maybe you're dating the wrong woman. I find a guy who is willing to do what he loves, even when he's not getting rich doing it, far more attractive than a guy who makes a lot of money but does something that does nothing to contribute to the world.
When I see commercials sometimes (Like for those new Ritz crackers that have a pretzel on the other side) I will think that it's really, really sad that somebody spends his life coming up with snack food gimmicks, and somebody else spends his life coming up with ways to sell snack food gimmicks. I'd not really want to date either of them, however much money they're making, unless I found out that they were spending all that money sponsoring Mercy Ships volunteers or something. I'd rather have a poor guy with integrity than a rich guy who is materialistic. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 3:32:03 PM | After 'battling', I mean discussing in great detail the issue of are US men being taken for granted these last several weeks, and reaching a sort of impasse now - I have clarified something I didn't really realize before....
Another thing that is stopping me is I am fearing men do not really love women anymore.....it really sounds like from so many forums here that many men have had more pain than pleasure in and after their relationships and do not really like women anymore.
And yet, I still do believe in love......deep down I still have faith love enters one's life when it is meant to....and how it is mean to.....
So, I'm also feeling sometimes it is not completely in one's control when a relationship will enter your life......so I'd also answer my own question here with life itself is stopping me from having a 'successful' relationship when there are other things I must be working on - like myself, my work, my children, my studies, etc..... | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:36:14 PM | Another thing that is stopping me is I am fearing men do not really love women anymore.....it really sounds like from so many forums here that many men have had more pain than pleasure in and after their relationships and do not really like women anymore.
I can sure relate to that.... I have gotten the distinct impression that many women don't like men anymore.
I was jaded when I discovered the fora, but I'm pretty sure I'm more jaded after hanging out here for a while.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:42:01 PM |
I was jaded when I discovered the fora, but I'm pretty sure I'm more jaded after hanging out here for a while.
Yes...and are we silly for keeping around when it has this effect on us? Like weareone..I am also really terrified that men just don't like us anymore..and I never felt this at all till the forums..
Maybe the forums are keeping me from a successful relationship?...lol.. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:47:01 PM |
(zangie) Yes...and are we silly for keeping around when it has this effect on us? Like weareone..I am also really terrified that men just don't like us anymore..and I never felt this at all till the forums..
I get that too sometimes (er, not that guys just don't like me; you know what I mean!), but then I remember that the forums are just a place where people come to blow off steam. Too much of ANYthing can be painful or harmful, and the forums can be done to excess, just like anything else.
Maybe the forums are keeping me from a successful relationship?...lol..
There may be more to this than you realize...
Arlo  | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 4:48:35 PM | Oh yes I hear you WeAre1, Zangie and Capitano ....
But don't look at the forums as real life men and women ... seriously. Things are different here. For the most part is truly is people who have been the ones left behind, or well ... single and looking without luck.
Real Life is truly where it is at for dating. The three of you shine, in truth and quality and those things can only really be appreciated in real life.
All this .......... illusion ..... that is what is stopping people from having a sucessful relationship. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:20:44 PM |
(yooperbrat03) What's really stopping me from having a successful relationship?
Hmmm...because I won't just "settle" for whatever comes along.
I won't just "settle" for whatever comes along, either.
Now, if something would just come along...
Arlo | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:36:45 PM |
"....All this .......... illusion ..... that is what is stopping people from having a sucessful relationship....."
indeed, OMO, thank you for reminding us it's all illusion here.....although it's real people posting, I think (and I refuse to agree - it's not just the deadbeat leftovers here...lol!)
but zangie - I totally agree the forums themselves are stopping us - for sure - for all the time they take when I get stuck in them! (so addictive at times!!)....and for all the energy they take....and for all the thinking in my head and typing with my fingers and sitting on my ass they take!!!!
and then, just like in 'real' life, someone comes along and says something that truly inspires me, or makes me think about something I hadn't before, and then I'm grateful......for those moments the veil of illusion lifts and I can see we're all just people sharing our views.
arlo? (yes weare1)....i totally agree - not settling is a good thing....and ....yes, if only there was something on the horizon to not settle for!
EDIT to add: sorry, dear OMO .....of course, solemnly corrects her post - we are the left -behinds, not the left -overs. But, really, OMO, I don't feel that at all. I choose to be single now. I was the one that literally left my last and most recent relationship......and I was the one that ended my last significant 6 year relationship also - - hmmm, that's right, my long relationships were before an online dating site came into my focus and since then, the few men I've gotten romantically involved with for the last several years have only lasted months, not years.....
ok, gotta go now and think why that is.....'fraid to admit could i also suffer like others here complaining that there is too much choice? hmmm, no, i don't feel there's that much choice....much more so, it 's what i started this post with - finding someone I am attracted to and compatible with (who feels attracted and compatible with me too) and now I know - they have to actually like me too!! Um, finding someone I won't settle for is very challenging.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 6:47:07 PM | Sanguus .... you are very wise for 26 [I say that 'cuz I still haven't really gotten it and I'm many years older than you ]
I still choose the wrong people, those that are not willing [or able?] to work at it. I think so many of us have issues that we deny .... so instead of working on those issues so we can be happy with our self [and thus able to be part of a happy healthy couple] .... we go from relationship to relationship - blaming the other person. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 7:23:16 PM | I like this post...very interesting read...thank you, WeAre1 for posting such! :O)
Some of the things that have stopped me:
Many moons ago, it was having four young children & finding a GOOD man who had the gonads to stick around for such. As my children grew...I was more able to empathize with the whole "fear of children" thing because now, I do not want involvement with someone with younger children or who, God forbids, still wants children. (I am not going to be responsible for keeping someone from being a parent if that is their desire!)
I also have learned so much about what I will NOT accept or settle for...that I have a tendency of losing touch with the good qualities, while paranoia kicks in searching for the bad ones. In other words...I psychoanalyze to a point where I make myself crazy! (I am only half exaggerating here!)
When I am in something good...& I have stopped searching for those ^^above mentioned faults or character flaws...I love...& I love hard. I am a very giving person...& it is my natural tendency to be such. This can be in reference to emotionally, physically, mentally, every-ally! ;O) Sometimes a guy can feel overwhelmed by such...but most often, he feels guilty for not "giving as much" to the relationship, & instead of trying to do such, he bolts. Perhaps this is why so many men I become involved with, tend to miss what they gave up, after the fact? Which would lead in to another one of my things stopping me...I do not give second chances.
So what's realllly stopping me?
I have been truly in love, two times. Two great loves in my life of nearly 42 years, and neither was the man I married. Both share a lot of the same character/personality traits, as well as the same flaws, which were acceptable ones, to me. Because these men were so alike in so many ways, I find I can click with someone new on a bevy of different levels...sexual, mental, intellectual, humor, attraction, chemical, goals, values, etc...but NONE of them possess all of those traits, like they did. I'm sort of spoiled on what I had?!
So I guess I won't be happy until I find someone that is like them...and this does not mean I am "hung up on" or "not ready" to move on...it just means that once you have had the most incredible love that there is, you ARE sub-consciously comparing. You ARE sub-consciously seeking their clone, to some degree. It's really no different than being widowed from a perfectly satisfying marriage...seeking out someone similar to what...worked. ;o) | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/17/2008 8:08:13 PM | Finding someone who I'm crazy about who is crazy about me. Someone who I'm on the same page with. Not everyone in my age range is in the same life stage and/or wants similar things. I'm not going to compromise the things that are important to me in order to be in a relationship.  | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 1:31:55 AM | | Middle aged men seem really into appearance as being the most important thing. I know attraction is important, but I cannot relate since I find so many men attractive and if he is shorter than I might want or larger or smaller or whatever those are not deal breakers usually and men just toss so many women aside since we are not 5'5'' -5'8'' and weigh 120 pounds with a proportioned body and all of their interests. These men are sad to me, they wonder why women are not clamoring to be with them when they seem so shallow, and they didn't seem to learn from previous marriages that it takes more than a certain appearance to make or break a relationship. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 1:56:46 AM | Oh, boo-hoo-hoo... If you gals are going to be as passive as a box of rocks, you're the ones who are making attractiveness (literally) the number one condition for anything to ever happen in the first place. To then blame men for their obedience is rather perverted. If you think men are ever going to be attracted to unattractive women you're just plain crazy. Require us to choose, and we'll choose what we like, whether you approve or not.
Besides, it's not "shallow", it's computationally efficient.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 2:14:44 AM | | WHAT IS STOPPING ME IS THAT THE WOMEN ON THIS SITE ARE NOT SERIOUS...I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS NOW & HAVE NOT EVEN HAD A DATE .....HAD ONE WOMAN STRING ME ALONG FOR OVER A MONTH & THEN SHE JUST DISAPPEARED...MOST WOMEN DONT EVEN BOTHER REPLYING ???????????? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 3:15:13 AM | Communication!!!
I find it hard to meet men who really know what a relationship is.
The men I meet say they want one...but as soon as you voice a different opinion or something equally silly they run for the hills...they claim it's a red flag.
I was raised in a house where everyone talked, and even if you did not agree, it was respectful, and everyone got thier say. I cant pretend to agree, or walk on eggshells for fear they will bolt...I have to be me.
My thoughts are, if you are committed to someone, you talk about things- even if you agree to disagree. No one is ever going to agree 100% with another persons opinions...it's all in how you voice them.
I guess a lot of people really think they are ready...but they are not. They are behaving as society expects them to...searching for miss right...but they are still licking thier wounds from previous hurts...and scared of being hurt once more...so they deal the hurt first and bolt at the first 'sign' of a disagreement?
Its hard to weed some of these out, because on paper, they look great. Hard working, treat you well, show up on time, have nice families, treat them well...all the indicators of a 'good catch'...all the good stuff. Then things get serious and they flake out. Its kinda confusing and can be hurtful.
I wish there were some test or something to take that shows readiness...but until such a tool is created, I will keep trying the old fashioned way. Gotta keep my heart open for the right one, cause I know he is out there somewhere! | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:00:53 AM | | Who says women are unattractive? We aren't , we are just not beauty queen models and the men need to realize that they are not going to find some gorgeous woman when they are not all that and a bag of chips themselves. Call it what you like, I call it unrealistic, immature and shallow. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:25:50 AM | | Makes me wonder why those who base everything on a photo to even be contacted, if a photo says so much why are they still on here for so long.... could there be actually more to a person than physical appearance. I totally agree with the 95 % vs the 5% statement. I find there are so many Humpty Dumptys looking for Barbies it is getting almost laughable. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 6:40:33 AM | Ahhh, capitano -
me:
Another thing that is stopping me is I am fearing men do not really love women anymore.....it really sounds like from so many forums here that many men have had more pain than pleasure in and after their relationships and do not really like women anymore.
you:
I can sure relate to that.... I have gotten the distinct impression that many women don't like men anymore.
I was jaded when I discovered the fora, but I'm pretty sure I'm more jaded after hanging out here for a while.
I was afraid when I wrote my fears that it would be reciprocated with men feeling the same about women.....that we don't like you anymore either....
And the feeling of being even more jaded hanging out here - yes....although obviously those who express their views here are the more outspoken and I'm hoping do not really convey the whole spectrum of humanity that is on this site and in real life! And, thankfully, there are several outspoken ones who also speak of their wonderful relationships and they are truly inspiring to me.
Many complain, yes, but deep down, as I tried to find out on that other thread, is everyone really giving up and believing the genders just don't admire or like or, ultimately, can't love each other any more?
Hmmmm......I pray that is not the case, or it seems there is little hope for any of us to be here on this site or any other, or in real life also thinking we might meet someone who might become a special person in our hearts and lives...... unless of course we are only here to spout words, but not actually apply our 'theories'.
I feel that love is still possible, absolutely, between the sexes.
I believe that in order for us to find love, we must be loving and lovable.
I also think in order to be respected, we must respect others and also ourselves.
Perhaps, too, it's not so much who or how we pursue, but sometimes that someone finds you.
Someone asked on another thread not so long ago, are we afraid to love?
And to extend that idea - are we afraid to do the work it takes to keep loving another? And to help the other keep loving us?
I know I've given up before and chosen to start again instead of hang in there till the end.....gosh, what an assumption to make to think there would be another one day to start again with....
Well, as I've said before, I also do believe we are in relationship when we are meant to be, and not in relationship also when we are meant to - when we are working on other things or on ourselves to help us become more loving and lovable, and understanding and empathetic, and more respectful in the deepest and truest sense.
I do think we might all be stopping ourselves from having successful relationships - that somewhere in all of us who are not, that we made a choice not to be.....even if it means going back the the beginning and choosing relationships and partners that would not be 'successful' - or long lasting, or ultimately fulfilling, or whatever definition you think of for 'success'....
and yet there is absolute purpose to all we go through - i really believe the purpose is to experience whatever they were/are meant to teach us....so, in fact, I do feel all our relationships, even the most painful ones, are huge teachers for us....all guiding us on our path of love...with ourselves and each other......so when the next one does appear, (hopefully), we might be really ready for it finally.  | |
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