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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:46:00 AM |
WHAT IS STOPPING ME IS THAT THE WOMEN ON THIS SITE ARE NOT SERIOUS...I HAVE BEEN HERE FOR SEVERAL MONTHS NOW & HAVE NOT EVEN HAD A DATE .....HAD ONE WOMAN STRING ME ALONG FOR OVER A MONTH & THEN SHE JUST DISAPPEARED...MOST WOMEN DONT EVEN BOTHER REPLYING ????????????
What might really be stopping you is the mastery of the CAPS button. And that picture of sasquatch isn't doing you any favors.
To the topic: someone already stole the "a$$hole" excuse, so I'll take the "I'm a B@stard" one. That's apparent, huh?
There's the fact that I don't put on a shiny veneer during the courting phase. It's not like I'm bellowing farts during noon tea time, but I refuse to pretend to be something that I'm not. I've always been that way since I was a kid. There are times when I can be in the same room with a person and not say anything for three hours. It doesn't mean that I'm dense or angry, it just means that sometimes I relish the silence instead of the endless blather. You'd never guess that from reading some of my long winded posts, but it's the truth. Some people just can't handle the silence, I suppose.
And like the little Kitten up there, I was treated by my one love like dynamite. I was the only man in the world for her. After having someone treat you so good, it's hard to accept anything less. If I could jump back in a time machine and warn that young fool, I would. I wouldn't stop him from chasing that rainbow, but I'd tell him to bring her along for the ride. So it pretty obvious isn't it? For me, it's about regret.
So yeah, someone can say "move on, get over it...blah, blah, blah." Yeah whatever. But if they're so smart, what the f6ck are they doing here, too? | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:04:39 AM | ahhh ^^...thank you for your honesty. it has moved me so and i can relate...most can, i think. we can't go back, and still being back there in the present is keeping us from moving into the future - without bringing the past with us.
it is a dilemma for sure. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 9:08:49 AM | Being receptive to possibilities, for various reasons addressed in another thread.
I think I'm inadequate, so I act like something I'm not, then I'm unsatisfied that the other likes someone I made up, so I back away. It's all very self-defeating. Working on it though (hence the no-dating-thing for the forseeable future). | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:11:49 AM | | Usually it's you that prevents you from having a successful relationship.......your past issues .....past relationships......time.....money......work.....mind set......it all starts with you and flows outwards......then even after you have worked on yourself you have to meet someone who has done the same for their lives.....and finally it's fate (yes I know that sounds odd) but I think it's just not the destiny of everyone to be in a relationship. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:21:21 AM | | In order for this to happen, you have to live long enough, and accumulate enough of lifes' experiences, in order to have interests you can play on. The longest lasting relationships are usually when the guy loves you more than you love him. But, eventually this ends, it's only a matter of time. Compatibility changes with time, because we develop different interests over time. We don't stay the same, and one year you had this great connection, but outgrew it. You might have a project that lasts ten years.... you accomplish that project, then what? Very few people stay together forever. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:24:23 AM | You know what's really annoying about this thread? The presumption that if you're not having "a successful relationship" (whatever that is) that there's something, some invisible malevolent force, actively "stopping you". I find this entire framework highly questionable, and of limited utility besides. Especially seeing as how only certain answers are deemed acceptable.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:44:56 AM |
The presumption that if you're not having "a successful relationship" (whatever that is) that there's something, some invisible malevolent force, actively "stopping you".
Actually, there could be SEVERAL things actively stopping you. They include:
*Self esteem that is too low.
*Unrealistic expectations.
*Fear of what kind of expectations the other person might have of you.
*Not being resourceful enough when it comes to actively finding someone.
*Fear of the commitment involved if you DO find someone.
*Not trying hard enough, i.e. posting a profile and expecting the right person to contact you, instead of contacting others yourself. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 10:51:15 AM |
There's the fact that I don't put on a shiny veneer during the courting phase. It's not like I'm bellowing farts during noon tea time, but I refuse to pretend to be something that I'm not.
HCL...but that is EXACTLY what most women WANT. Is to not have the bogus facade in the beginning...only to see their true colors popping out later. What you see, is what you get...from the get-go!
I have seen men (and I am pretty certain women-folk do it too...but I don't date them!) present themselves to be everything they THINK we want...and maybe it IS...but if it is not who they truly are, then what's the freakin' use? So obvious it is like, DER OH...but yet, it still happens.
Karikinetic...yours was one of the most brutally honest posts I have skimmed through! And applies to what HCL said, as well since you are trying to be someone who you think is adequate. YOU might think you are inadequate...but I know there is someone who thinks you are da' bomb! ;O)
WeAre1...bringing the past with us is not always a bad thing, in moderation. :O) I mean, when we experience something negative in relationships...we learn...we recognize that it is unacceptable...so why can't we also learn from the positives of the past as well? I had this...I will NOT accept anything less. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 11:27:25 AM | life of l: you say:
You know what's really annoying about this thread? The presumption that if you're not having "a successful relationship" (whatever that is) that there's something, some invisible malevolent force, actively "stopping you". I find this entire framework highly questionable, and of limited utility besides. Especially seeing as how only certain answers are deemed acceptable.
I'm sorry you are finding this thread really annoying. It was not the intention. It was just something obvious (to me only) as a question that has had me thinking and really reflecting, that's all. If it resonates as something in you, fine...if not, fine. No one is making you respond.
Ok - I guess, now I've said that, maybe I should add what I meant by the question. I have many many times already said what my ideas of the word 'successful' mean and many times I have said that is up to the poster to interpret however they wish....what ever you believe it might mean for you - something along the lines of positive, is what i had in mind...very positive, even.....really wonderful is really what i had in mind when i used that word. :)
I did not think of any malevolent force when I've been writing my ideas. If I say there is a time for something to happen and a time for it not to - or what's meant to be, or not, does not mean to me I am not responsible for my own choices - ultimately.
Do I believe in destiny? Is that what you are trying to say or suggest? I'm not sure at all, actually about that. I think we create our reality and if there is some malevolent force guiding us - well, so be it. It does not seem to do a whole lot that is apparent to me and much more so I feel I HAVE to take responsibility for my choices and my life, because if it's not mine, who's is it?
Regarding your last point 'only certain answers are deemed acceptable' - again, i'm sorry you feel that way, if it appears like that. I have not had the time to respond to every single post and it seemed like I was trying to in the beginning, but it was not necessary at all, like in any thread. What happened was I ended up responding to ones that I felt I wanted to respond to - like every forum poster and their choices of when to say what they do, or who to. Truly, I am not that close minded or hearted to decide only some anwers are acceptable. (And your thinking that of me is a bit disturbing actually, but that is your choice, of course.)
So, I started this thread simply with the hope that perhaps it might help each one who chose to respond (or not), a chance to do some self reflection and see if there was anything that clarified for them....like harleykat - her response was great and so fulfilled what i was hoping for anyone here, or out there.
It does not mean that I view any response more or less valid than any other, even if some resonate more with my own experience or views, that's all. I totally feel they are all valid.
* * * * *
And the other poster talking about my refererence to the past? Oh, I see my whole life as my treasure of learning - especially the pain - I have worked many years to be really grateful for it - it was just my heart went out to that poster that was saying his past love was really preventing him from finding love in the present - and i could relate for I have past love that is not with me too....but I do not have regret, as he said - i have gratitude because, again, I believe it all is as it is meant to be - my past love(s) taught me so much - they taught me how to love and to be loved. And that was the gift. Nothing is forever....they taught me that too. | |
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:43:52 PM |
The men I meet say they want one...but as soon as you voice a different opinion or something equally silly they run for the hills...they claim it's a red flag.
Having silly opinions about things IS a red flag.
Communication!!!
I find it hard to meet men who really know what a relationship is.
Ah, yes, the obligatory blame the guy for some deficiency.
I always love the communication deficiency. Women tend to think that incessant talk is communication. What I've found is that women are nowhere NEARLY the great communicators they think they are.
But, you are correct that communication IS something that makes connecting difficult. Rather than assuming that men's way is flawed, perhaps more women ought to look to their OWN means and ways of communicating.
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| What's really stopping you from having a successful relationship?
Posted: 6/21/2008 7:40:07 AM | ^^
"....But, you are correct that communication IS something that makes connecting difficult. Rather than assuming that men's way is flawed, perhaps more women ought to look to their OWN means and ways of communicating."
I agree, Capitano, and I believe that advice can be used whenever we find fault in another - that first we ought to check within as honestly as we can, if we also suffer from that same fault - for sometimes, unknowningly or unconsciously, we might project something of ourselves onto the other - positive or negative - and then it's hard to tell who actually has 'the issue' more.....
I am thinking, perhaps this human tendency to project onto others and not see our own faults, or distortions, or areas that need work in our selves (popularly termed 'denial'), can be a great challenge in communication and, ultimately, part of the breakdown of some relationships. | |
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