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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/23/2008 11:10:51 PM | You know I thought men were the only ones capable of this. I cannot believe that women do that too considering that you have actually proven to each other that you have connected.
I guess, this illness can victimize male and female. Whoever is guilty of this, his or her loss, I should say. | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:06:28 AM | stop please stop.....it's over....it's done... learn one thing we all think we are perfect and everyone else is an ***hole when they do something we don't like or understand... she probably had a life before you and continued with that... maybe she had a boyfriend and was testing the waters....maybe she lived at home and got alot of shit for being out all night...maybe she has a kid and realized that's the most important thing.....figure out yourself before trying to figure out someone else....c'mon guy...you hardly knew her. | |
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new08
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Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 53 | |
| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:31:55 AM | Well Not to be rude to you, But after looking at your profile it doesn't sound like you are any better of a person, I mean why be on a dating site if you are not looking for other then just a few drinks or drunken sex as you say ! You can get that anywhere these days...
If you read my ad/profile you will see that I know im not perfect and there is not any perfect person out there, although most don't read your profile in the first place ! Although you are right I hardly knew her, But wanted to know her better as I thought, You need to read all the threads before you jump in and give opinions, I never called anyone an *** hole, sorry I just don't believe in name calling that is for children !
I know myself well enough not to judge others, The question for you Is do you know you ? Although if all you like is drunken sex, How do you know what real sex is even like ? | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 1:46:16 AM | | first off it is not a competition to see who is the better person...i was simply giving my opinion on the subject. maybe i should revise my profile to say that drunk sex and a hard night out is awesome with someone you know well...at any rate i also mentioned in my profile how important my family life is to me. back to you...you posted and i responded...end of story, i'm sorry if you didn't like it but it is my opinion... | |
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new08
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Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 55 | |
| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 2:30:17 AM | Im glad that you posted what you wanted to say , Im gald to see you toom a look at my profile too, See anything interesting there ?
I apologize to you if I came across to you as being rude, in which I try not to be like that to anyone thats posts a comment here. All in all I apprieciate all comments given !
well I tried to IM u as I saw you online a few mins ago, But I didn't catch ya intime. oh well maybe another time !
I will also add that, this person has another site, which I will not mention, But I did preview here just a few days ago and it says that she is getting married, Although Now I feel like a dumb ass for even getting to know her. I couldn't live in dishonesty like that and I never met anyone that could do that either.
I could get her to reply to me if I really wanted to, all I would have to do is text her a message and tell her to look at this thread ! I bet that she would look and read all about it....... Although IM not that mean ! Or, well maybe that's a good idea !!!! LOL !
Anyway, Have a Great Holiday Weekend & Be Safe ! | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 3:04:35 AM | Hey there, New 08 -- first off, I did take the time to read your profile, and your entire posting history, and this entire thread. [Yes, you guessed it -- insomnia, AGAIN! (grin)]
Welcome to the forums -- from your posts I'm guessing that you've not been a regular reader. If you are, I apologize. But, if you are indeed new to this arena, let me tell you that when you have the brass to post a personal story/problem thread, you must also protect that brass with a really, really thick skin. The forums can be very brutal, even when no one is insulting you. IMHO, the posters here have not been trying to insult you, but just offer their opinions on your situation and your/the woman's behavior as you presented it. For the record, I don't know Libby, but from what I can tell, she was really just trying to let you in on how some parts of the world work. So, you might consider giving her a break.
As to your problem, or quandary, there's no good answer. None of us were privy to that long IM, the 2 long telephone conversations, or any other part of your contact with to woman in your scenario (can't really say it was a relationship, although it does sound like you guys did a lot of connecting over a short period of time -- not always a bad thing, by the way). In the end, what caused her to cut all contact after such a great period of connecting doesn't matter. She disappeared. Period.
Others have covered the "hey, well I guess women do this type of thing, too" aspect, as well as any number of real reasons why she may have gotten overwhelmed, or reconsidered, seen something in your interaction with her that (unbeknown to you) caused her to see a major red flag for continuing toward building a LTR with you. But that's the key -- because she stopped communicating with you, you'll never know what happened.
I can empathize with how you probably felt/feel now, because a few years ago, I experienced something very like what you described. I met a man through an on-line dating site -- NOT THIS ONE -- and after exchanging a couple of emails, he disappeared, for about 2 months or so. Then, after I had written that off, he ended up calling me out of the blue (I had shared my cell phone number in my last email response to him). We talked for a couple of hours, and that conversation was followed by a week of daily calls that ranged from 1-6 hours each in length. I was out of town on business during that week, so we did not have opportunity to meet in person until that weekend. By this time, we both felt a great connection with a lot of spoken mutual desires for meeting and getting to know each other. We had literally talked about anything and everything under the sun. We had shared a lot of our personal life stories, compared notes on past relationship and current life situations, etc. We had talked in a very friendly way also about each of our personal dreams for our life, and what we wanted to find in a partner to share that life with and build a new chapter... I mean, we had really, really connected, and I think it definitely was that soul type of connection that one poster mentioned.
We did meet -- each of us confessing the nervousness we felt because we had connected by phone so well all week. Meeting in person was probably the best first date I've EVER HAD -- bar none. We met at a coffee shop, had coffee, took a walk, etc. Conversation was effortless. I must confess there was some hand-holding, some joking around, some great chemistry. And somewhere in there we decided to get dinner, and he suggested take-out and a bottle of wine and to return to his place. Basically, he kept asking me to stay longer, and I did. We never had sex, just some great making out. Some of the best kissing of my life, combined with a lot of wonderful conversation. Neither of us was inebriated at any point, etc. He asked me to stay the rest of the night, and I slept at his house. Again, no sex, and we discussed that, too -- how we both wanted it to be very special, etc. In the morning, he walked me to my car, we shared the parting of very very intimate friends/lovers, and we promised to talk later that day. We each had the stated desire to see each other again, soon, and to spend more time together in the coming days and weeks.
Well, you can guess the end of the story. If I remember correctly, we did exchange a couple of voice mails during that day after I left his place, but then nothing. Innocently, I called the next day to wish him a good day at work.... nothing. No response, nada. After about 5 days of nothing from him, he did respond to a voice mail from me, but basically never gave me a good answer for what had changed. I gathered that he just wasn't ready for a relationship, with anyone.
What I took from it was this: very little of what other people do is about or because of US. What people do is mostly because of WHO THEY ARE, because of something going on in their life, or inside them. So, don't take it personally. I look back and realize that I opened up to him very quickly. Although I was mirroring him in terms of what we were sharing -- I mean that the depth of what we shared with each other, the things we talked about, etc. was all very mutual -- I know that I let my guard down a little too soon and too much. In reality, it's probably good that he disappeared. If he saw a huge red flag by my being able to be open and not-guarded, if he was shaken or scared by the intensity of our shared connection so early -- then he wasn't the right man for me for long term. And, although it does simply suck that he choose the coward's exit, it didn't change who I am as a person.
So, as other's have said, be perhaps a bit more guarded. Not emotionally, but just in terms of time spent together, and the length and intensity of early dates. I know how great a long telephone conversation can be. And when you meet and find that you have that same chemistry in person, even better.
But, what you have to keep in mind, is that some people (women and men) will ride the surf of your connection with them, will do nothing to alter it and may even contribute to the thrill of that ride. But, in the end, they're just there for the wave. When it hits the shore of reality, it breaks, and that's the end for them. They'll surf out and catch another. Don't let it shake you. Pick yourself up, wring from the experience every ounce of wisdom you can, and go on to better things.
Good luck. :hug: | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 3:13:23 AM | Who knows and who cares? She's an idiot who can't make up her mind. Its a bit hurtful of course but u didn't know her at all. A day together and a few hours on the phone doesn't mean anything. Let it go. | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 3:17:17 AM | OP, just saw your last post after posting my response. If I understand your last update, you now know that she's getting married?! WTH? WOW!
See, Libby was right, IMO -- let it go. There's really no good outcome here. And, in the future, might want to meet the circle of friends before getting too intimate with a woman. You know, those women -- just out for sex, they are (channeling Yoda there).
Sorry about your experience. But please, don't let it hang you up. Let go and move on. Chalk it up to her being a JERK.
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 3:20:16 AM | Maybe you were the one last fling before the Serious Relationship - with someone else.
Maybe she was telling you what was going on in her life and you put yourself in the place of her partner and didn't actually listen to what she said.
EDIT: done it again, read the forum after posting - how cool am I, right on the button, yeahhhh. | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 3:24:57 AM | Spanish Lover
I love it when the stories of the Players 'playing eachother' come out, keeps me amused for hours.
There are hundreds of singles hanging around waiting for dates or meets even, and the players seem to always get women/men to play.
One thing for sure, if everyone kept it in their pants for a reasonable amount of time, then a lot of this 'Oh god I slept with him/her and she/he never got back to me' syndrome would stop. | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 7:37:13 AM | | Hmm I hate to say this but it sounds like she has someone else. IF not that, then it must have been something you did that made her change her mind. Sorry don't mean to be negative. It sounds like you guys did a lot for a first date. | |
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new08
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Joined: 1/14/2008
Msg: 63 | |
| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:15:56 AM | Ok,
Now I have to clear another thing up, Iam Not a player ! Have never been, and never will be either. IM here on POF, looking for a women for a long term relationship only..... As for me looking at others ad/profiles from here at the thread posts, well some have nice profiles to read and some are what I see attractive, Not only in looks, but from what they write too.
So again , not tryin to be rude to you either, But IM still single and IM still looking !!!
So think again ! | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:21:28 AM | Well.. regardless, you seem to have gotten played. Why do you think that the multitudes of other folks who start similar threads get the "well keep yer legs closed next time" admonishment?
I don't care if people want to get busy on a first date. Not my business... until they make it my business by ****ing about it later when he or she bails. Sleeping with someone so soon is a case of making your own bed. Now lie in it rather than **** about it.
Think hard about what you do (or don't do) next time. I know from personal experience that the first date put out isn't always the kiss of death and they aren't always gonna disappear, but I don't whine when it does turn out that way either. | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 9:22:49 AM | locario
But, what you have to keep in mind, is that some people (women and men) will ride the surf of your connection with them, will do nothing to alter it and may even contribute to the thrill of that ride. But, in the end, they're just there for the wave. When it hits the shore of reality, it breaks, and that's the end for them. They'll surf out and catch another. Don't let it shake you. Pick yourself up, wring from the experience every ounce of wisdom you can, and go on to better things.
So true! Well said and great advice there. | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 9:38:09 AM | wow...that seems to be my favorite thing to say these days...NEXT....
It sucks when your totally into someone and you think they're into you too and then boom...dropped. I think people get spooked when they see that it is potientally a long term relationship or ....if you said "I love you" after sex. Either way she was mean ...........
diane | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 7:31:12 PM | I have not had that exact problem, but I have had people disappear. I racked my brain trying to figure out why, but that gets you nowhere. Now onto the other side of something I did. It was not quite dating, but it involves casual aquaintances.
I started talking to this lady at my part-time job and she seemed nice. She gave me her number and I gave her a buzz. She would keep me on the phone for HOURS. I could never get rid of her. She just never got the hints or the direct "I gotta gos." This was taking up my time. I figured out that she was basically using me as her therapist and I just never returned her calls. Now she is not a date, but some people never get "the message" and some people do not know how to "receive the message." The message is, "we don't click have a nice life."
I'm not saying you did this, but I have encountered people who are very emotionally and psychologically needy who are like black holes. They won't get the hints or the direct "go aways." Vanishing is the only thing you can do to keep your sanity.
I try to treat people the way I would like to be treated and be direct, but sometimes you have to just "disappear." Some people can never say "get lost" to someone or they try to spare someone's feelings by just vanishing.
I have also had guys show up YEARS later thinking they have a shot with me. As if my life just stopped, when they vanished. They kind of creep me out more.
So don't dwell on it and just learn from the experience. Be a bit more guarded and just relax with the next one. | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/24/2008 8:28:39 PM | Maybe she is a serial dater and likes to do things like that all the time to see of she's still got game?...who know's why she did it?....only she does.
Try and move on...a million and one things could have happened. | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 10:14:34 PM | that just what happened to me! met this guy.. really connected.. dated for 2 weeks .. an then.. nothing! why? who knows ? i do know its really immature and rude! why would a grown man behave that way? a little old to be scared.. a little old to not know better. just not raised right i suppose
dont men know that mostly the women they date really dont care THAT intensly about them either? but I at least would give them a call to let them them know they werent dating me anymore.. just to be polite!!! | |
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Posted: 5/24/2008 10:18:15 PM | ah and i forgot to add... the REASON is entirely irrelevant! not important. just that grown ups should not be rude like that! who cares what the reason maybe? just let the person know so they can get on with the thier nite "as Ozzy says"  | |
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| does this happen to others out there ?
Posted: 5/25/2008 12:09:45 AM | I agree with locario (msg 56); very little of what others do/say is about us. Chalk this up to a learning experience (as sucky as it is--sorry) and try and move on.
Believe me, I've learned this lesson myself the hard way. Heck, I think I'm still figuring it out!
But I have to say, I am a little shocked that there are women who do this. I know I shouldn't be... no behaviour is always gender specific, but I guess I still have men pegged one way and women another. I know, I know, gross generalizations--bad, etc.!
I was also intrigued by the poster who talked about people who mentions people who "are unable to receive the message" . I think if you are truly being direct, then anyone should get the message. Hinting, even broadly, isn't enough. Simply say, "this no longer works for me. I'm out of here. I won't be calling ever again" or whatever. But be courteous enough to let someone know. The fade away/disappearing act sux big time! It smacks of cowardice and is just plain rude. | |
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Posted: 5/25/2008 7:44:41 AM | Yes, it happens all the time. My theory is that it is the unspoken communication that gets us into trouble here. Actually, it's a bona fide communication theory - can't recall the name but will look it up. Here's how that works:
He says "X". I hear "X" but "X" means that I can expect "Y" to result. After all, why would he say "X" if he didn't intend for "Y" to happen? That's how I think, and so I naturally assume that is how all people think. So now that I know "Y" is going to happen, I say "Z". He hears "Z" and thinks, "wow" that must mean "A" - great! So now that "A" is on the agenda, I can move forward with "B".
See how it works? You say something. I hear it, but I interpret it to mean something other than you intended because of my own experiences, biases, conceptions. Every person on the planet has their own experiences etc. that they bring to the unspoken interpretation of every statement everyone else makes. So there's really not just the conversation going on, there's the unspoken interpretation, and the corresponding reaction to the unspoken interpretation, going on. | |
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Posted: 5/25/2008 8:07:20 AM | | OP, I don't think you were played. I do think she got cold feet later for one reason or another. Happens all the time, to men and women it seems. See, people get lonely, and heartbroken, and it's too easy to fall for a fantasy of love instead of the real thing... and then it's hard to take a step back. She is probably gone.. but then, it could have happened any time in the relationship, right? I'd write to her a supportive letter where you show understanding and respect for her boundaries, where you show you are willing to let her go, but would just like to see her again and chat and maybe be friends. She is probably feeling very guilty, and is afraid of hurting you any further, so showing her you are happy and casual and understanding would make her feel better about herself and more secure. Good luck, keep us posted... | |
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