| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:06:21 PM | | Generally the way it works with criminal behavior is that you get away with it an awful lot of times before you are caught. Fired for pedophlic behavior; alcoholism; DUI: repeat offender; restraining order; jail? OMG woman run. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:19:27 PM | | Go very slow...but, wow....at least he was honest about his past! I haven't met anyone who isn't ashamed of or has something to regret in their past! Good luck to the both of you...... | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:30:35 PM | Alcoholism is a treatable disease, and provided the person who has it gets treatment and maintains a healthy lifestyle, shouldn't be an automatic deal breaker.
DUI may or maynot be a deal breaker, depending on alot of different circumstances.
Kid Toucher...are you kidding me? Automatic castration with a dull, rusty, butter knife. No exceptions.
but, my intuition is telling me I might be getting in over my head.
Gee, you think? Get a grip, lady. Are you that desperate and/or codependent that you're seriously entertaining the idea of keeping something going with this guy?
I hope you don't have kids. If you do, I feel sorry for them. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:02:23 PM | Why are you asking if this guy is a pedophile? Of course he is. And they don't usually STOP, either. They just get better at not getting caught.
Your profile says all your kids are over 18. If you should end up long-term with this guy, would you feel comfortable letting him be around any grandchildren you might have now or in the future?
Listen to your intuition. God gave it to you for a reason! | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:09:13 PM |
Go very slow...but, wow....at least he was honest about his past!
He was honest about his past because he knows his record is right here on the net for all to see... | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:20:06 PM | | Ya know- this is really a hard case cuz what if the guy is actually reforming? Man- I don't wanna touch this one. It sounds like he wasn't loved enough when he was younger- which always leads to bad stuff- but I have seen one or two cases of this kinda thing being actually reformed in my few years of existance on this planet- and it's so hard for those people because other people look at them like addicts- you know- when are they gonna relapse and all that. You've certainly found yourself in a sticky situation. Maby he wants it all to go away and not be associated with who he used to be. Well in any case- I would actually like an e-mail to find out what happens here cuz this kinda thing isn't useually seen by the public and I'd be interested to see how it works out in this case. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:29:04 PM | I can't disagree with those who say to trust your gut. Sometimes you really just have to.
But I suppose it's all going to boil down to whether you believe in redemption. If you aren't sure, then you're both better off if you just end the relationship now. If you think it's possible, then maybe you could continue a relationship but I would advise proceeding **VERY** slowly with it. After all, even serial killers are often very honest and upfront about their crimes.
If you do decide to continue a relationship with this guy, sit down and tell him that you do have a lot of fears about it. If he really is reformed as he claims, then he'll understand fully. If he gets defensive at all, then he really hasn't reformed at all. Either way, he needs to understand your misgivings and that it will take a long time -- if at all -- for you to be able to trust him. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:31:14 PM | | If this guy is legit about being reformed- I really feel bad for him. I'd say it's an awful lot of trust he's putting in you for you to be brodcasting over the net. He trusts you- do you really want to show him that everybody in his life is against him? Or do you want to welcom a very hard lifed guy into a loving place for a change? Think about that. I knew of one guy that had to have the barrel of a shotgun pointed at his face before he would rethink his plan to help his wife. He had a messed up past and his wife was the only one that gave him half a chance since day one. These types will do some stunts to enshure the safety and health of their loved ones- things that no other guy would have the kahones to do. I think that's a good quality- but there will prob'ly be a lack of emotion in him for quite some time. This kind of thing can be hard to swallow- but quite honestly- where are you gonna find that kinda loyalty in this day and age? | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:35:56 PM | | I believe in redemption. Weather it be by fire, water, new growth, or just a miraculous event- I have seen it happen in my life. I know it does- but the person has to really want it with every fiber of their being. almost to the point of needing it- but still on the wanting side of that thin line. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:52:42 PM | I had no idea this thread would generate so much interest. I've benefitted from reading all the posts, except the one or two that were insulting.
For those of you who didn't read carefully, I've already raised my kids and there's no possibility of more.
Also, he doesn't own a computer, nor does he use one at work. He told me he's not interested in porn of any kind.
My GUT reacted when he first made his disclosure - it was pure horror, shock, and disgust. I literally wanted to run away. I think any normal person would react that way.
But, on the other hand, that idealistic part of me wants to believe in redemption.
I asked him more hard questions. I implied that he might have touched other girls and not gotten caught. He actually admitted that there were a couple of incidents before that one, but never since. And that was about 1980. That means his daughter was not yet born. I asked him about his daughter, and he didn't get angry - he just calmly denied it.
I didn't know that a person could look up the details of a restraining order or the violation of one - is that true?
Anyway, I broke up with him yesterday. He took it extremely well, very calm and respectful, and that impressed me. He's very very disappointed and said that he just wished I could judge him by the way he is now, not by the past.
Do I feel sorry for him? In some ways, yes. I wish he could make amends with his kids and get their support for his alcohol recovery.
I admit I have codependent tendencies, and I've done work on myself there, but it runs deep and I guess that's why I came to this public forum. I needed some unbiased perspective.
I am not desperate - have been divorced for over ten years and I like my life and my independence a lot. But, when I was with him, I felt that spark, that connection, that made me think there was something there worth pursuing. I am normally quite picky about men.
He said he probably made a mistake telling me about his past, but I thanked him for doing it so early - it saved me a lot of grief. He also said he knew he was wrong to pursue me so insistently. But, he said he cares for me and I believe he does - and possibly I'll leave the door open for a casual friendship.
Maybe there are women out there willing to take a chance on him.
Anyway, he knows now that I've made up my mind and he's not pressuring me at all.
Namaste | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:02:52 PM | | Pedophiles cannot be cured or redeemed. It is proven, no matter how much they may want to or not. I don't know what you have seen or what you mean but what you are saying is just not true. Countless children get abused over people being turned loose when they should be away from society. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:12:01 PM | Hey
By the sounds of things this guy nedds to go!
His wife has left him and put a restraining order on him for a reason , and it takes alot for someone to come to not want to talk to your own father anymore. I'd say theres alot more going on that your hearing.
Also pedophiles whole lives are a lie , they rape ( on Average ) 260 kids in there lifetime. Everything they do and say is a lie. Under the outerlayer of fakeness they are evil people and proffessional conmen , thats how they get alone time with kids and have kids trusted to there care .
My thoughts are this person is trying to look honest by exposing there some dirt (some of which you could have found out any) and playing the im a different person card,
3 yrs sober is nothing compared to 20 yrs drrinking.
Most pedophiles are drunks. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:14:15 PM | [Go very slow...but, wow....at least he was honest about his past! I haven't met anyone who isn't ashamed of or has something to regret in their past! Good luck to the both of you...... ]
Honest about his past and your point is? He told just enough just in case she found out.He is a pedophile....we all have things that we regret doing, decisions we thought that were right at the time but touching children is not what most people have in their past. What kind of people do u know....
Please stop making him seem like he did a good thing by confessing....he is what he is and always will be....he hurts kids, he is into kids, he is a sick sick person that gets zero pity from me. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:14:51 PM |
. But, he said he cares for me and I believe he does - and possibly I'll leave the door open for a casual friendship.
yeah ~ Can I make one suggestion? ok I will anyway - Talk to a Professional regarding the reform of a person who has fondled children. Then try (I dare you) to Try to listen to an Adult tell you how it feels when they see a "woman" being "friends" with a thing like that. Maybe talk to a mother who didn't listen to her gut - there are a few out there.
It just baffles my brain how people (Some people) show more regard for and more concern even for a pathetic pedophile while he "confesses" the sins of his "past?". They are the BEST cons in the world, but you probly got one who's ok.
Not in My opinion, however after 5 pages of opinions that You asked for Most of whom are telling you to run, you're going to hang and be his 'friend' .. uh huh. That's good too .. you be his friend and maybe your friend can babysit your grandkids! At least it wouldn't be like he was your boyfriend, so that would make it all ok.
Oh what the hay! Marry Mr. Ick. And how can you be so sure that the 'amends' he owes his children is over alcoholism? Most pedophiles only need 3 things: a victim, opportunity and secrecy.
Good Luck - to your children, your grandchildren, the neighbours children ..
I'm Done. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:19:45 PM | [ If this guy is legit about being reformed- I really feel bad for him. I'd say it's an awful lot of trust he's putting in you for you to be brodcasting over the net. He trusts you- do you really want to show him that everybody in his life is against him? Or do you want to welcom a very hard lifed guy into a loving place for a change]
How in the hell do u refer to him as a hard lifed guy? Like he is a victim?How do you feel bad for him? What about the innocent kids? Everybody should be against him as he is a monster. How can you feel this way for a man that hurts kids....maybe it takes one to know one....sick sick sick...!!!!!!!!!! | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:32:23 PM | | yah rehabilitated or not, the ICK factor would be way off the charts for me -- and i hope you don't have any school aged children around!!!!! | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:42:54 PM | | A true pedophile can be treated but not cured of their condition. Stick with your intuition...while I understand your compassion you will be exposing yourself and those around you to an unhealthy individual...too many red flags (child molestation, alcoholism, violating an Order of Protection). He is probably required to register as a sex offender and you should be able to look him up on the internet...maybe the real story is different than he "confessed". You are very wise to ask for advice. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:40:18 PM | Unfortunately that is not a pedophile. There is no "cure" or correction.
Most pedeophiles offend 70 times before they are caught and convicted. When they get out they are twice as careful and it can be many many years before they are caught again. But they will....................................
Precisely. There is no cure, no "correction" - period. For one thing, they aren't motivated to change. As for "touching"? I saw that one poster suggested that "touching" could be by accident - no way, not the kind of touching that violates the essence of a child's vulnerability. I guarantee that when touching is revealed to have occurred there's a heck of a lot more that did occur than an accidental inappropriate touch. I'd go so far as to stake my very life on that statement.
Anyone hear of a group called Parents United? I'm talking about the one that offers a support group for victims of pedophiles, relatives of victims and the actual offenders. That's what CPS offered to me and my daughters. I went twice to check it out first before bringing my daughters. Never went back after that as I had heard more than I could stomach from the offenders. No way was I going to subject my daughters to that crap. Victims ranging from 2 months old on up to mid teens. Half of them had their spouses still living with them. They feign remorse. But they don't feel remorse. To them it's a perverse and twisted something that beggars description. The offenders I heard talk about their "urges" were full of justifications and excuses. It was appalling and nauseating. Actually, in both meetings I attended, guess who dominantly had the "stage"? The offenders. It literally made my skin crawl. The first thing I did when I got home was shower just to feel clean again, then I picked up my girls from the babysitter.
OP - you best cut that one loose and run the other way. Don't just walk away - run away.
Children rarely lie about such things. Yet they are often not believed, especially when touching leaves no physical evidence to support the charge. Just because due process finds not guilty doesn't mean they aren't guilty. All it means is that there was reasonable doubt on the body of the evidence to convict. That's all it means.
The offender of my children has yet to be charged for molesting my youngest daughter as she was too young to testify at the time (4 year olds don't do well in open court facing their perpetrator as it was in VA back then - especially an essentially non-verbal 4 year old). Now that she is an adult, it is up to her to pursue that or not as she was the victim, not I. All I can do when the subject comes up is encourage her, but it is her choice and she's not ready yet. He appears on no sex offender data base because at the time he was charged on the older daughter, they didn't have a data base or requirement for him to register. He pleaded guilty, by the way. This was the first time he got caught. He started when he was a teen as he so disclosed when I confronted him about his "touching" my oldest daughter which she felt uncomfortable about and he happened to share details of an incident with her that by his own description was clear intent. He was out of my home within minutes of that little "confession" on his fricking backside.
So when one of these perverts has the brass to say he has inappropriately touched any child or teen, be assured he did much more than touch whether he is registered as a sex offender or not.
No one wants to know how seriously and how often at the end of the day the man who violated my children really violated the oldest one when she derailed like a train wreck nearly two years later. I remain to this day awaiting a response from the Commonwealth Attorney's office in Virginia to whom I sent a letter certified mail/return receipt requesting that he please explain to me and my children why they would not bring new charges against him with the new evidence, and why law enforcement refused to investigate the newly reported incidents that were far more serious on the excuse that he had already been charged and convicted.
Uh, no, he was only charged with felony exposure and indecent liberties. Even worse, as brave as my older daughter was in coming to court to testify in open court, someone made the decision without her involvement in the decision to negotiate a lessor charge of indecent exposure, kissed him with a year's probation and mandatory participation in the Augustus Treatment Program. We were informed after the fact when it was a "done deal". Since when is that synonymous with [sparing the details but imagination can fill in the gap - then multiply it] ? It's been 20 years and I have yet to receive the dignity of a response. Yet he remains unregistered. I still have my copy of the letter and the signed return receipt. I still have the CPS letters stating "FOUNDED".
Hopefully our legal system has progressed since then. Hopefully this illustrates a bit better to the thread topic how easy it is for these critters to slip through the cracks. Not even moms have the ability to kiss these kinds of "boo-boo's" to make the hurt go away so children can just be children again. Safely at that.
Sorry folks, no sympathy from me when it comes to pedophiles, suspected or otherwise. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 9:57:33 PM | FYI, he didn't claim the touches were accidental.
He fully admitted what he'd done to the school board. He also wrote letters to each of the girls. Only one replied, and said he'd been a good teacher and that she forgave him, but she urged him to get help.
Anyway, now I'm getting nasty emails so please stop. I realize this is a highly charged topic, and brings up bad memories for some, but it's all moot because I've already dumped him and I'm very relieved to have done so. I learned a lesson and if there is a next time I won't hesitate - I'll just run.
Peace... | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:32:29 PM | Msg. 119 - it wasn't your post I was referring to. Another poster suggested that in a more general context not specific to your situation.
You made a very good decision, OP.
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/25/2008 11:36:44 PM | | OP~ Sorry to hear that immature people are sending you nasty emails. That's a little bit more than ridiculous. Knowing very little about you other than what you've written here, my guess is that you're correct in your decision not to "rollthedice" with this guy, or any other man who admits to having several+ molestation victims. Good luck working on the co-dependency issues, I know it can be a hard habit to break. | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:21:05 AM | | They say the only way to deal with temptation is to yield to it . just something to think about . a child predator only refrains from his thoughts of committing these acts . or isolates him self from these thoughts . they will always be there .. and there is no cure ! only a choice and strength to do what he or she believes is right . I am sorry but I would not have my son daughter or any other child around a person like this . this would be a risk . that I would not take ! | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:30:41 AM | ****I have started dating a man who told me that he used to be a teacher, but is now a carpenter. When I asked him why he left teaching, he said "stress", but the next time I saw him, I revealed some things about my past, and I guess he wanted to ante up, because he said that that was not the whole truth. In fact he had lost his teaching license because he "inappropriately touched" a few of his students while supervising them in the gym.****
WOW and here i thought that i had some problems , but i guess I don't, so I should  feeling SORRY for myself Know wonder why I come into these forums
to see if I am INSANE- but lucky me I guess I am not
rollthedice3 I would dump this guy and move on, I wonder what else he hasn't told you?? out Snake
I think I need a HAIR CUT ?? | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/26/2008 12:45:34 AM | | Why did Snakeplissken suddenly make this thread about her? Weird.... | |
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| Pedophile or not?
Posted: 5/26/2008 4:38:24 AM | Angelheart is absolutely right and I have treated every age.
OP......The best advise I can give you is please get yourself educated. Trust me no matter how nice this man seems (its part of their MO to be charming) you dont want him as a friend.
And whoever said most offenders are alcoholics is insane. Simply not true. This was my work for many years. IT CAN BE ANYONE............................
As for a pedophile being a victim.......most at one time were abused and turned into the abuser, that is why it is so critical to get a survivor help as soon as possible
PEACE | |
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