| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:37:58 AM | I think "friends first" is a great idea. That way at least I have a friend if I have nothing else. Maybe if I have friendship first I won't risk having that drive by and ditched feeling , because I have established friendship with this person. I won't feel used or hurt, I have a friend who I can talk to , and I have someone who cares about me. I hope I won't have to sit and wonder what's going on with this person or wonder where I stand because a friend is someone who I have an open communication with; and there are no games being played in the name of something or the other. Romance? That's good romance yes but .... friendship first means I will treat you and be treated fairly and you won't have to feel used like a sexual toy , because you know that I am your friend . It's about trust and communication ; friendship. It seems a more solid and a less flimsy basis for knowing a person. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 5/31/2008 1:14:49 PM | Re post 76
The "litmus" test is whether they remain such good (real) friends after they divorce or break up the romantic rel. They rarely do, alas!
But when they do, that is IMO the sign of real friendship. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 5/31/2008 9:45:20 PM | I can only be friends with women I am not attracted to. In the past I have had friendships with women I found attractive and every single time I would find myself thinking about her all the time, literally falling in love all by myself, because friendship and desire can equal love.
I would wait until I could not stand it any longer and when I would attempt to make the friendship more, I would hear "We are JUST friends"..........that is a hurt I have never gotten used to.
Needless to say, I pass on those profiles. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:04:16 AM | re post 79 as it relates to the OPost:
"I can only be friends with women I am not attracted to."
I do agree that this is how many, even most men and women approach the friendship vs. attraction issue.
But I can only be friends with women I am attracted to! | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:17:53 AM | | Friends first, means exactly that. You are reading more into it than necessary. What is meant by that is the people that want to meet and get to know one another obviously have an attraction to eachother to start dating. Usually the friends first part comes from past relationships when one or both jumped in the sack too quick before really getting to see if they are emotionally compatible. And it usually fizzles out quickly when they realize that they have nothing in common and dont respect eachother. It doesnt mean they only want a friend and nothing more. It simply means they dont want to make the same physical mistake as before and have another heartbreak too soon again. If someone didnt want friends first I know they were not looking for a serious relationship. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:18:57 AM | | It could mean they're just out of a serious relationship and not ready for anything too much just yet. I always thought it was an odd statement but I've just re-written my profile and low and behold, there I am saying it! lol | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:22:04 AM |
It doesnt mean they only want a friend and nothing more. It simply means they dont want to make the same physical mistake as before and have another heartbreak too soon again. If someone didnt want friends first I know they were not looking for a serious relationship. My sentiments exactly. I wouldn't bother with anyone who didn't want to be compatible as friends in addition. The best type of LTR or marriage or contentment is being friends and emotionally compatible in addition to the physical connection. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:00:30 PM | Physical Attraction/Chemistry is highly overrated to me. I want someone that can stimulate my mind, not my hormones. Lust is short term.
I dated a guy during the winter, and we talked about our common interest of gardening/landscaping. Spring/summer arrived and I learned that his idea of our shared interest was he does the rototilling once per spring... and I do EVERYTHING else. Lots of talk, but no action. Therefore Friends 1st means I get to observe you in action. Actions speak louder than words!
Then there was the devout fishing buddy. He loved to fish in out of the way places. I preferred the local State Park because they had a 'handicap' dock and I liked the conveniences offered there. Make a long story short... he preferred the out of the way places so he could drink his 12 pk of beer. He hated the State Park since alcohol was not allowed. Drinking problem? Is alcohol his priority? Actions speak louder than words!
Therefore... Friends 1st! | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/1/2008 12:29:02 PM | Post 19 said it best!! [ The foundation of the “friends first” mindset is that once a mutual attraction and an initial connection between both parties has been determined, the natural progression into the next phase (i.e., a healthy romantic relationship) will involve becoming friends first; nurturing and growing that initial comfort level; taking the time to learn about one another; and determining if there is enough there to build a dream on. IMO, for those seeking something permanent, this is the route to take. After all, an ideal romantic match should be your best friend. ]
I have to say this is a great ideal way of getting to a very secure,real relationship! If only we are on the same page as our hopeful partners. I agree wholeheartly with Frau Blucher. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/27/2008 6:46:16 AM | Friends first is simply what you think. You go out and have fun as friends if something happens it happens. If nothing happens then you made a friend plain and simple. Atleast that is how I have always looked at it. People say that because no one ever finds love at first sight. The world as a whole has become so consumer based that it isn't even funny. And it makes it better to put friends first because you should get to know the person first and see what happens. What one finds attractive the other may not. But you may think the person has something that you would be friends with them. And then who knows maybe you get to know them for who they really are and find that they are the type of person you want to be with. Or maybe you just stay friends and nothing more. Either way what is the harm of getting to know the person.
I find it funny how so many women have on their profile what they are looking for in a guy but they won't talk to the guy or exchange a few messages and stop talking to him. I would like to have that question answered if any woman would care to explain. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/27/2008 7:00:47 AM | | I would prefer a relationship where we develop a good solid base. You have to view a relationship as building a house, you find the best spot (the person) then you put down a foundation (this means getting to know that person before you jump into bed with them) That is where the friends first comes into play. If I am not attracted then I will not continue to date or see this person. I'm not the type of person who will just settle for a breath and a pulse. There needs to be some common attributes, then you build the relationship, ask plenty of questions, what do they like, what was their relationship history, basic getting to know them. Take time to really get to know them this is building intimacy. You should both be a gift to each other not a bootie call. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/27/2008 7:30:44 AM | i don't think it means "feeling toward you only as a friend first and then maybe it'll grow into some kind of romantic attachment" - to me, "friends first" means, having that chemistry there but developing a friendship before allowing the physical intimacy to take over...
- trying to ensure there is more than a physical connection (but not excluding it)
... at least, that's what i understand it to mean, when i read "friends first" | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/27/2008 2:43:14 PM | IMHO OP, I haven't a clue as to what you are talking about. The problem with relationships is that people jump into bed because they are attracted to someone and then they figure out if they are dating material.
I wish I had a dime for every post that a woman posts that says, we had incredible sex but I dont really know if I should date him. lol; nice.
Women especially want guys to know, hey I'm not jumping into bed with you. Lets see if we click, get to know eachother, and see where it goes. U.S. people are much more immature and selfish than in other countries and they are so dang promiscuous.
People are not saying, I just want friends. They are saying," you know what, I'm not going to fall in love with you next week and I'm not going to screw you so if thats what you are into, move on. " I think there is no problem with what they are saying and how harsh you are being is kind of ridiculous I think.
So to answer your question, NO? NO | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/27/2008 10:31:24 PM | I've had similar thoughts against the "friends first" cliche.
Friendship takes on another form when romantic interest comes into play. Going out with a friend and going out with a romantic interest are two verrryyy different things and should not be confused. When going out with a friend, you can call them at a moment's notice to go hang out, you can flirt with and exchange contact info with a romantic interest that you might happen to meet, and you will likely pay for your own meal.
You had better believe that the rules change when it is a romantic interest. Anyone who doesn't realize this is going to find themselves getting voicemail every time they call to go out again. To think that you cannot become friends if you start out dating is ridiculous. Anytime you spend time together with someone you are interested in getting to know, you are becoming so called "friends".
Some people (I just know about men) have tried to use the "friends first" cliche to avoid having to undergo the dating process. They don't want to have to call you a couple days in advance for a date (and then keep it), pay for drinks or meals, or show you any respect for that matter. They'd rather "hang out" and see how fast they can get into your panties with the least amount of money or effort.
Don't be fooled by these guys who say that they just want to "hang out", get to know you, and become "friends first"...because they aren't thinking "before we have sex", they're thinking "before you figure out what I'm really up to." The dating process is your friend. Through it we learn what a person's motives are, what their attitudes are towards women, and how dependable they are. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/28/2008 9:13:41 AM | | Men like Prettite is talking about are men that give the rest of us a bad reputation. That is why women should be able to spot these players and know the genuine and sincere men when they approach them. I for one prefer to be friends first. I think its important to just get together and not have any pressure and just get to know each other and have fun. The first thing I do is ask a woman out to have fun, whatever she wants to do. It could be dinner and a movie, anything, as long as the two of us get a chance to talk and have fun. At the end of the night, we part ways as friends, it may lead to a relationship or stay a friendship, or may be nothing. Women need to be able to spot the players so they can find the real men and see we mean what we say. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/28/2008 9:27:17 AM | | My greatest relationship, marriage to a man that I loved more than my life........started with a friendship. we weren't drawn to each other at all, and truth is if I had met him on the street, I would have passed him by without a second look. We had to spend time together occasionally on a project. Turned out to be the most loving passionate, caring, attentive.................I could go on and on........The bottom fell out of my world when he died. I was fortunate enough to recognize the man I had as the greatest blessing in my life. I never compare him to anyone..cause there is no comparison. Some men are shy, cautious, and just downright scared as well as we women are when we have been in a bad relationship before. We spent twenty years together and never a day passed we didn't tell each other how much we loved each other and felt so blessed. Fast romance usually fizzles almost as fast as it comes, but true deep committed love, thru all the good bad, etc.................from my experience comes from friends FIRST | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/28/2008 12:01:14 PM | Ichi-bon...What a beautiful story...there are not many who can claim to found such deep love.
I believe in friendship first and state that on my profile..it is a way to get to know one another by e,mailing and IM...and maybe later phone calls or texts...I dont understand what the rush is to meet...many men just lose interest if they cant meet right away and I consider it their loss if they cant be bothered to try and get to know me a little first.
So YES friendship first please! | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/28/2008 4:47:35 PM | MrVic, ya' know, not all sites are "dating" only, this one for example, has categories other than dating - "Friends", "Hang-Out", etc. In the electronic age we live in people do sometimes just want to make new online friends - me for example! Hee, hee. The "join a club" dig could be used on people looking to find a DATE too. lol
As for why pepole who identify as looking for dating but say they want to be "friends first" in their profile text, the comments in the string seem to have covered it I think. When in doubt just ask the person themselves, likely depends on the individual. :o) | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/28/2008 5:01:43 PM | LOL.. boy did I have that expression all wrong?
I thought it meant if you meet hit it off, date a bit and sleep together don't expect them to hang around and call you there girlfriend..
but in every other way you kinda are.. as long as you dont' expect anything to come of it or go long term..
That is what I thought friends first was...
I just kinda took it as they weren't looking for anything serious... cause usually .. they have "stuff" going on in the background or their bedroom.. or their lives..
I dont' want to be "friends first" with anyone.. I want to find someone that becomes my "best friend"!
but that was just my take... | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/29/2008 3:42:07 AM | Quoted post #87: I would prefer a relationship where we develop a good solid base. You have to view a relationship as building a house, you find the best spot (the person) then you put down a foundation (this means getting to know that person before you jump into bed with them) That is where the friends first comes into play. If I am not attracted then I will not continue to date or see this person. I'm not the type of person who will just settle for a breath and a pulse. There needs to be some common attributes, then you build the relationship, ask plenty of questions, what do they like, what was their relationship history, basic getting to know them. Take time to really get to know them this is building intimacy. You should both be a gift to each other not a bootie call.
You are so correct and wow there are still women out there who think this I am shocked  Just wow I am impressed. How can you become anything else but the best of friends first unless all you want to do is "sport screwing". No wonder why our world wide divorce rates are so high these days.  | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/29/2008 12:00:15 PM | I like friends first ....
to me it means and oppertunity to get to know the other person.....
with out expectations right up
if I want to know what they mean I would ask because that may be stated but other things said writen might make me wonder.
when I say friends first I simply mean lets write talk date and then go from there
there is a lot to know about a person.
sex is easy
I want sex with a friend ,some one I can be open and comfortably playfull
and emotionally connected to. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:37:01 PM | | I think it would have to be a "we both know where this is headed"(when chemistry is there) mutually agree that they are aiming for something more within time and see how things go first as friends....its worked for me but also caused problems if your not clear on the goal (so to speak..)and the other "friend" goes and gets involved with another person....there should be no jealousy right? | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/29/2008 9:58:28 PM | | I've always believed that starting out as friends first instead of right away jumping into dating. By starting out as friends you get to know the person better, that way you'll know if you truly want to have the person in your life. In all of my relationships(except for one) we've started out as friends and those friendships that I created with them turned into relationships. Even though they ended, I'm still good friends with two of them. Friendship is the basis of a relationship, without it; what do you have left holding the relationship together? There's just physical chemistry and common interests. So, being friends first is very important, at least to me it is. | |
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| Friends First??? I beg your pardon…….
Posted: 6/30/2008 8:25:20 AM | I completely concur and that's exactly what I think people should do when there is some chemistry.Too many people jump in the sack become emotionally involved then down the line after the lust wanes a little think..." I'm not so sure I even like him/her as a person now that I am getting to really know them".It's easy to have that physical chemistry with someone and be friends with others.The trick in my opinion and where far too many people go wrong is they dont wait for the person they have "both" connections with.I find too many people either can't handle being alone til the right person comes along and they settle.Just my opinion..... | |
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