| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:23:34 PM | I know a few single mom's who do not want to date single father's because they do not want to be a mom or step mom to someone else's child. They also say more children brings more drama yet they themselves complain some men will not date women with children and call those men who will not shallow. They also say that they do not want anything to take time attention or resources away from their child(ren) To me it is hipocritical. That is just my opion though.
I personally think single parents should date other single parents. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:28:06 PM | | Because they don't want MORE KIDS. They don't want MORE TROUBLE. They don't want MORE DISTRESS. They can only handle their own, and they realize that any more kids will break the bank. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:41:10 PM | | why wouldyah want to date someone who carries incredibly narrow minded thinking.. forego a relationship with prejudicial thought patterns... only if his love was really really really big and then he woodah.. justbeah.. biggah one and that is all she wrote... and rote... | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 5:43:11 PM | | anyone who is truly a good parent is my kindah people and only my kindah people .. if you meet one you are truly lucky and anyone that has a life without bumps is a big arze bore... with no life .. perfect people are perfectly boring... | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 6:57:10 PM | I have a stepmother. Fortunately, she's the greatest, as are her kids. We have an extended family, and tend to leave the word "step" out of it. It could easily have gone the other way.
My kids are grown, with homes and lives of their own. At this point, I'm not willing to step back into "family" functions and activities. It may sound selfish, but this is my time. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:01:33 PM | depends on the age of the kids she has....if there old enough to take care of themselves then she probably doesn't want to deal with all that again.....
if she has kids in the same age range as yours then ya shes just being picky | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:25:00 PM | | I don't know why some women say that... however, I'm the opposite. I actually wouldn't mind getting to know or even date someone with children. I have one who is the world to me. If I knew a man who was just as devoted to their children as I am to mine, then I know that he is capable of loving my child should something "more" ever develop beyond friendship. Children are children, I would never look at them as "drama". We are what we create -- and I created a beautiful, smart, yet sometimes stubborn little girl. :) | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 7:58:48 PM | I like some of the replies I have seen thus far. Some do make me ask more questions though, and others just make too much damn sense for my taste. :P
As a single parent I understand about the stresses of raising a child, and I am TOTALLY supportive to EACH AND EVERY ONE of the single mothers and fathers out in the world simply looking for someone to love them in return and getting turned down time and again because of the "kid/drama/ex/whatever" factor
What I do not, and probably never will agree with is the notion of someone else feeling they will have to raise ANOTHER child that isn't theirs. I mean I know there are always extenuating circumstances, but in my mind, most of the time single parents start meeting and dating, 75-80% (I read that in a magazine somewhere once) of the time their kids will be fairly close in age to their own, so the idea of having to raise someone else's kid is ludacris at best. To me, that is someone just being overly selective for whatever reason, and yes I know it goes for men as well as women.
Personally, I almost prefer to not only date a woman who already has children, but has already been in a serious relationship/marriage and is now single again simply for the maturity factor. I have dated many single women, and many women who have gone through the marriage and divorce pains.....and I have to say there is a great deal of difference in maturity levels between the two. And that right there makes all the difference to me. I would much rather have someone I can relate to than someone who has no clue just how hard not only being married is, but also just how difficult it is to raise a child nowadays is. Am I being hypocritical....not in the least. I would fully date a woman who had not been married or has kids as well...but I would constantly feel like I was walking on eggshells because she is a novice in those areas, and the temptation to just cut and run is WAAAAAAAY to prevalent these days.
I want someone who will stick around for a while. Besides, I love kids, and have no problem getting down on their level and playing with them and being their "best bud" uin the process. :) But maybe I am the odd duck in the pond....or maybe everyone else is broken.
I do agree with what someone said here though.....if someone chose not to take time to get to know me just because of the kid factor, they probably aren't worth gettign to know to beguin with. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:18:40 PM | I am one of thoes woman who don't want to even get involved with anyone who has children under 18, and preferably not living at home. Why you ask? It's simple, when you are at an age where you want to do things you put off to raise your children you don't want to do it again. One other reason is differences in child rearing. It complicates the relationship. This may be selfish but it is imortant.
My son was 4yrs old when I first became single. When it came to the point where a relationship got serious that is when I alowed the man I was with to get to know my son and be involved with our lives. How ever if the relationship doesn't lead to a permenant one this is just as tough explaining why we wouldnt be seeing the other person any more and their children.
Now that my son is moving out and in college, that will not be an issue. He will still be my son and I will still always be there for him but he will have to learn to be his own man. My life is going to change also. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 8:40:30 PM | .....and use the excuse "I don't want any kid drama"? I mean....is that being a little bit hypocritical?
Just curious as to why women do this.
There's nothing fair about dating. The entire mating ritual is rife with double standards on both sides.
Most people, men and women alike, do a cost/benefit analysis of who might be a potential future partner. If most women reject you, single mothers or childless women or whomever you want, it's because they think you are not good looking enough or rich enough or socially prestigious enough to compensate for whatever they perceive is a drawback you have. (I am not calling your child or children a drawback in any conceivable way. I'm sure your kids are great kids. But you have to be fair about this, most women are going to ask themselves if what you have to offer makes up for what complications for dating you might bring to the table)
For both men and women, the idea of "I don't want any kid drama" really means "I don't want any kid drama ... for what you have to offer in exchange" I assure you, at some exchange point, several of the people who rejected you would gladly change their tune and date you.
My grandfather taught me to see rejection as a positive. They might not like you. But at least you know upfront and you can spend your time focusing on those who will give you a real chance. Even if that number is only a very few, it's better to have a small chance with the few that might rather than have no chance with those that never will. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:18:41 PM | | Extremely, extraordinarily hypocritical. Not a little bit. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:36:36 PM | | I don't have children and have no interest in being a caregiver to one. If I got involved with a man with a child, it would have to be with the understanding that I don't intend to parent the child. I respect those who have children but that's something that would be hard for me to deal with as I'm not the motherly type. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/25/2008 10:41:14 PM | Man I'm glad I don't have any kids.
well at least none that I know of.?
any ways I think this question has been answered .Like with many things when it comes to dating it boils down to personal choice. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:30:28 AM | They don't want a man who has children...yet they have children...that seems a trite unfair...
...Sounds sort of like, "You're single, with no kids, and independent, and I need YOU to take over the responsibility/payout...that HE left behind..."
I'm NOT getting on THAT train!
Whoa...Glad I never had children... | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/26/2008 8:40:36 AM | I don't think that it's 'using it against you' so much as saying 'I'm sorry, this isn't what I'm looking for and don't want to waste your time'. At least they told you before you carried on too long.
I don't want to date a man with a child. I don't like children. I don't want to ever have to be a step mom or a mother. So dating a man with a child isn't really something I want to do. I'm sure he could be the most awesome man in the world, but dealing with children, and if the relationship ever progresses to something more permanent, I'd have to step in at times and act like a mother, which I'm not ready to do nor do I ever want to do. So if men with children contact me, I just say no thank you, I'm not looking for that kind of baggage in a relationship. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:43:48 AM | I didn't mean to sound harsh in my previous post. I do love children, especially teenagers, and I thoroughly loved raising mine. Ours was the house where all the kids congregated and I encouraged that since I would know what they were up to (you know teens......) There was hardly a weekend when I didn't have one or two of their friends spending the night.
I would welcome a man with children. I have a young energy and spirit and most children really like me. I don't, however, want to deal with an ex-wife who is a "drama queen"... If there is an emergency, I completely understand; however, if it is a situation where the child does not want to clean their room and the ex insists on an immediate meeting that changes plans that he and I had made (true situation) , I'd call that ex-drama. If it was a situation, however, where the child was not doing their homework or had been in trouble at school that day, I would perfectly understand. I also support any Dad who takes the time to be involved in their child's sports as well as their religious upbringing. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:49:02 AM | | I have no idea.As for myself,I have kids and I would prefer a man that has older kids himself .I wouldn`t date a man with pre school age kids.I did my time by raising my kids by myself for the last 15 years and I am not going back to the day care drama. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:04:45 AM | I've done the Stepfather thing. Loved the kids to death and it broke my heart when we divorced. It wasn't easy on them either, but at least they were a foot and a half out the door when it happened.
I'm not going to say I won't date women who have kids - because I do. The two main issues I have with it are that I simply refuse to be drawn into a situation where I'm expected to pick up someone else's responsibilities, and I still haven't given up hope of starting a family of my own someday, so that needs to be a possibility for us as well. A lot of the women I meet are just simply beyond the point where that's something they either want to do again in their lives, or - for whatever reason - aren't capable of doing anymore. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 5:34:01 AM | I am happy to date a woman with kids, as long as she is willing and able to find time for just the two of us also.
At 45, I do not intend to have kids of my own. 60 is simply too old to have a teenager! | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 6:04:38 AM | I would say it depends on the man...and the kid(s).
I've dated a man whose children were dreadful (basically because his idea of discipline was yelling "Shut the fvck up before I come out there and kick your a$$es!" from the bedroom)...3 kids all younger than both of mine, that he could not handle and dumped the responsibility for on me....NEVER AGAIN!
I've dated a man who has 2 daughters (I have 2 sons) who were close in age to my kids, and who had similar "parenting politics", and I've dated a man who has 3 kids who are smart, fun and old enough not to need a pseudo-mommy on the weekends!
I really don't care for kids who are younger than the ones I already own...been there, done that...and the brat factor was HORRIBLE! | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:37:23 PM | | If you have children even just 2 years younger than your children it may make them nervous about having to pay child support if the marriage does not work out depending on child support laws in your area. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:43:13 PM | | In some jurisdictions, if the relationship goes south, you don't even need to have been married to end up having to pay child support for someone else's kids. | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:19:40 PM | | I've had this happen to me. Guys who don't want to date a woman with kids but have kids themselves. I even had one say if I had had younger kids he would have never gone out with me. However, he has two children who are a good bit younger than mine--13 and 16. They are with him every other weekend. Mine are 20 and 24, one lives with me (the 20 year old) and the other is married and doesn't live with me. There isn't really any major drama with my kids--they both are good at getting money from me (in small amounts--food and gas type stuff) and my son eats enough for two or three kids, but........his oldest son really doesn't seem to be much trouble, but his younger son is already getting drunk (he is an alcoholic and drank throughout much of their childhood). So, how is that for a double standard? | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:46:01 PM | Why is it hypocritical? There is no contradiction of feelings or beliefs. Because I have children doesn't mean I want to date someone else who does. That's just silly to assume that is who I should date based on the fact that I have children. That's like saying because I have green eyes it would be hypocritical of me to say I'm not attracted to men who have green eyes, or because I'm fat it would be hypocritical of me to be attracted to fit men.
It's simply a preference. Nothing more, nothing less.
I prefer dating men who have no children. It's ok for me to feel this way. Really.
Now, just because that is my preference doesn't mean that is what I'm going to limit myself to and quite honestly I'm going to date someone that I find interesting regardless of whether they have children or not, whether they have green eyes or not or if they are fit or not. Yay for me being open and all but I have no qualms with those that don't want to date me because I have children. Better to know up front and focus on those that do want to date me and are as open as I am.
Why, why, why do people spend so much time focusing on the negatives in their life and worrying with things that they can't change as opposed to focusing on people that will bring in positive things? That's the real question! | |
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| The no kids issue
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:48:23 PM | | I prefer to date Men that have no children mainly because mine are grown, I raised them already, so why would I want to deal with someone else's kids and there ex when I don't have that in my own life... I feel like this is my time now and do not want to raise another family. I just think it is a personel choice. Ronda | |
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