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| The Ripple Effect
Posted: 5/30/2008 3:03:16 PM | I hadnt really posted in my dear friend's thread to date...
...as I said to her...I wanted to add something of substance rather than post offhandedly.
Then that brought me a thought...Id been thinking towards the future...what I could give her.
What has happened to me...the ripples that have made me...are incidental and unimportant...I am...what I am...and yet...
....my thought was...the ripples I intend to create by what Im doing now.
My pebble is...my gift...is my children.
I offer to the world their ripples...
...two loving, caring souls...compassionate of heart, empathic in their comprehension, full of life, joy, balance, boundaries...and everything I can possibly muster to make them rounded individuals to carry them through life and to touch other people
Their ripple effect...through me and *of* me. The best that I can do.
Nothing grand...but then again the most poignant of things can seem small and often insignificant at the time
....and its honestly from my heart
For you my friend
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Posted: 5/30/2008 7:49:48 PM | I can say I can't count how many people on the forums and in real life have had a ripple effect on me...I have often laughed and cried about some new insight I have gained from reading a person's post..or hearing their inspiring stories..which have often inspired me to look at things differently, or to make a conscious change in my thought patterns.
I can only hope that sometimes what I say/post has an effect on someone else..and I also hope that my external life is a good example for people to see and relate to, or even, on occasion, learn from. The best thing I can do is be and live my life the best way I know how..and hope it makes even a tiny ripple for someone, somewhere. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 12:52:46 AM | Bloody hell.......I was so deep in thought,reflection,et all & then along comes ~Myth~ with her personal assessment of BOB....!!
Bet this has made you smile,Red............................!!
And,im taking this opportunity to thank you for this Thread & for opening your heart to all of us about some very personal & painful experiences in your life.
You're a very Special Person,
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Posted: 5/31/2008 3:13:53 AM | OMG! I'm completely speechless. How can I personally thank redcassandra for this thread she started up here. It takes a woman to think, and bring up such idea, like the "Ripple Effect". Red you are one of the greatest women in the world. I love and respect you for this. You have touched my life since yesterday, and i don't care if i break the rules up here, but i have to speak from my heart. I felt touched when i first read your first post of thread, and now, i just can't wait to see you post another update again. I woke up this morning,and on my way to work, i was just thinking about all what you have been saying, and i'm learning Red, i trully am.
I have come to know something on POF, that it's not just about searching and mailing
members on POF wanting to know them, but it's all about going to the Forum, and learning, and be touched with positive post by sweet and beautiful members like everyone of you who has posted and contributed to this thread.
Now i feel touched by an angel. I strongly do believe that if we all continue to stay like this, then we all as members of POF can change the world for good. That's why am here.
Let's keep this going. I'm actually coming up with a special thing for you'll, and as soon as am sure about it, i'll let every single member know about it.
Thanks to you'll. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 3:45:32 AM | | Hi,my reply would be to quote a saying that I made up,and that is"We don't get to choose how we feel about anything,but we do get to choose what we do about that feeling. Life is full of choices,and it's those choices that make us happy,or,as the case may be,unhappy. In other words,the ripples only effect us as much as we want them to. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 4:53:29 AM | ^^^
In other words,the ripples only effect us as much as we want them to. Are you sure? Isn't the idea of the ripple or butterfly effect based on the fact that we really don't know what effects will occur (beyond the obvious sometimes).....it's all about sending an action or feeling or thought out of you perhaps to a loved one or a stranger, and on an energetic or unconsious level that thought goes out to the universe and may have effects far and wide you will never consciously know. And yet, you are the catalyst and absolutely essential part of the effect.
And, likewise, another may do or say or think or sing or write or play something, and not realize that song or book or play or movie or simply a thought might be having an incredible effect on your heart or mind or psyche or spirit.
We are responsible, yes, for us, but we do not always know where our inspiration has come from, or where it goes. I think it's part of the incredible mystery and blessing each of us bring to life and the lives of each other - past, present, and future. | |
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Posted: 5/31/2008 8:11:37 AM | All of us have an impact on the people we encounter in our life, as long or as momentary as it may be, a lifetime memory or mostly forgotten and remembered only at times.
Some are aware of that, some are not and some have an experience that makes them aware of that.
Growing up as the daughter of a minister, I certainly couldn't say I was ever totally unaware, but I did have an experience that made me so much more aware.
I won't share that here (just no way to make it brief) it is still posted, if someone wants to read it I'll send the link. I will say it was a trauma, a tragedy almost unimaginable. The ripple affect, in so many peoples' lives is too vast to wrap my head around.
It changed me, certainly it's just something you can't honestly say you're the same. Some of the immediate affects I overcame in time, the long term.....it made me more compassionate, more understanding, more patient, more aware of what deep hurt and grief actually is.
I have shared the story, through media, through some public speaking, and through lots of personal emails and personal contact. The upside is that through something tragic, I am able to share that anything is survivable. It's a matter of choice and believing that you will, even when you're at a place where you can't imagine it could ever happen.
People that are hurting and broken can't see a time in the future where they'll be whole and happy again. Embrace life and love and be thankful to see the sun rise another day. It's been humbling to have many people share the ripple affect with me. | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 12:54:17 AM | Wow Red, what a great topic to put out there for discussion.
I have read through each and every one of the replies posted, and it just reinforces my belief that the internet is a great place to meet amazing people! I love reading through the forums and having discussions with people from all corners of the world, all different types of upbringngs, moral beliefs, etc. I haven't been participating long enough to get to know many forum posters on a personal level, but rest assured that reading their comments alone can make my day better...sometimes if only for a laugh.
While I was reading all of the other replies here, I thought about what I can say that i've done that may have caused a positive affect in someone else's life. I realized that until this year, while I did always smile, compliment people, hold doors, buy lunch for someone, etc. I did not fully understand the effect that these things had on the people I was interacting with.
That is until I was put in the hospital for my cancer. I feel like i've beaten the cancer topic to death and I hate bringing it up again, but it truly has changed my entire view of the world. While it may sound sick, it's been a real blessing in disguise for me.
Things with my cancer moved really fast. One day I was at the doctor complaining of a runny nose, and the next I was in the hospital and being told I had fourteen days left to live. This is a truly earth shattering thing to hear, at 22. When you are faced with the very real fact of death, and given an expiration date, your entire world changes. Nobody could have anticipated my reaction to this news, though. Instead of being hysterical, depressed, scared, angry, sad or any of those other negative emotions, I was the opposite. My family tells me that I was freakishly nice...bordering on annoying, when I came to.
I was my normal happy, sarcastic, funny, loud, energetic self the entire time I was in the hospital. Palliative care spent 6 hours a day in my room waiting for me to break, but it wasn't going to happen. The oncology ward isn't a fun place to be, and yet, there was always laughter coming from my room. I felt guilty that my laughter could be heard in the halls of such a truly awful place. Nurses who weren't assigned to me, would come hang out in my room before and after their shift, for entertainment. We would play cards, tell jokes, sing songs, or just talk about the state of the world, to pass the time. I complimented the janitorial staff for a job well done, and thanked the kitchen staff for bringing my food to me. I waved to the people walking down the hall, from my bed, and when I learned to walk again, I had walker races with an elderly lady, who walked at the same time as me.
This is me. This is the person that I am. These things helped ME to face the harsh reality that I was in the hospital, dying. It never dawned upon me that perhaps the reason other people were spending so much time around me is because I was helping them in a way.
Toward the end of my stay, a very sick man was moved into the room next to mine. (Mostly private rooms on the oncology ward) His family, like mine, stayed day and night to be with him. Having lived at the hospital for weeks, I knew where everything was, and brought them blankets and cots to sleep on. I made them tea in the kitchen, and gave them some of my books to read. I also asked every morning how he was. He was up and down, but the nurses told me they weren't sure he was going to pull through. I wished that I could make him feel better. He did pass away right before I left the hospital.
The family came over to my room, before they left. They told me that my laughter was the best thing any family could ever hope to hear in that place. They said the knowing that someone young like myself was facing the same awful thing as their father, and beating it, softened the blow of their loss. That day was the first time I cried, through my entire stay in the hospital. To realize that just by being myself, I changed someone else's world or even brightened their day, was something that had never happened to me on that level, before. I guess that means that my ripple would be my laughter.
Since that day, i've had ups and downs in respect to my health, but i've never lost sight of what that family told me. I can't lose myself in the circumstances of my world, no matter how hard it is not to, sometimes.
While i'm on the topic of my cancer, I just want to say that i've received a lot of e-mails from all different kinds of people here on POF, congratulating me, telling me i've inspired them, or even just commenting on my positivity. These are ripples in their own right. These wonderful thoughts from complete strangers are what keep me positive when I really just want to stay in bed and cry. It's all a really big cycle and everyone is a part of it.
Thanks so much to everyone for sharing your stories...very inspiring and touching.
xx
Lu | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 1:22:23 AM | I believe that a small kindness will yield many other small and large kindnesses. I like to think of the concept of "pay it forward" and to be kind to someone, especially someone who is not getting much support, with no expectation of personal reward or recognition. I have certainly been on the receiving end of that often enough.
I also think of forgiveness as an important form of kindness. Let's face it, I often provoke strong negative feelings in people (sometimes on purpose, sometimes to my complete surprise) and people may say uncharacteristically harsh things. Some of them later apologize to me. I have no desire to carry a grudge and I am glad to forgive or more often, to assure them they didn't hurt me in the first place. If you think about it, sincerely apologizing and receiving forgiveness is one of the more important transactions in human life. | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 3:45:18 AM | Good God, bucs, what an amazing story! Survivor, indeed---I am utterly blown away! I can't even type, sorry...just want to take a sec to thank you.
(How I'd love to come and give you that hug in person!)
And the rest of you, too! | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 4:30:28 AM | Lu - I have few words other than to say thank you for writing your post here. The tears flow, not from sadness, but from being so moved in my heart - it's as if I was in that hospital hearing your laughter, seeing those gather near to feel and share your joy within all the grief.....what a gift. And to value life.....no words can do justice.....you are an  .
and bucsgirl - ok, got the courage to read your link - i am numb and i am grateful for your sharing it....the ripples i can feel are starting, connecting to a place deep within....i feel extremely humbled and know you have made an impact - the butterfly is sitting very still, feeling the state of humility and inner strength, not weakness at all but great strength in you. thank you for being so open and trusting to share...and opening all our eyes to help our ignorance and to be reminded we all share horrors as well as beauty in our lives , from yours to abuse to the shocks we live with within and without. i can not write much more for i need to be quiet with this state of humility a little longer. i am doing a grieving ceremony later today with the core of my spiritual community here and i will bring your story internally with me, as i will the others here too......for we all are in a state of healing and finding our love within the horrors of our lives and our world.
and myth - acceptance - yes. it was so good to hear your thoughts (when you're not thinking about bob that is :) .....thank you. | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 6:56:17 AM | I know this is a poem but I felt inspired to write it and would like to share it as I feel it is pertient to the topic.
Writing Our Life Story
What type of a book will our life story be
A drama, a mystery, a love story, maybe all three
We’re writing our own stories each day that we live
In the lives that we touch, the love that we give
The words that we speak, the things that we do
Are our life story written all our life through
The works may not be written down on paper or penned
May not be in print, only in the hearts of women and men
Every person we know, everyone we have met
Is a chapter, a page, so let us not ever forget
The importance of those who cross our life’s path
For a lifetime, for years, or for a moment, if that
They’re all a part of the story of our life
Whether a friend, our family, a husband, a wife
All are important, no matter how brief or how long
They helped mold our lives, helped keep us strong
Those who have helped us to love and to grow
The lessons they teach, the seeds that they sow
Some have moved on, some have left us forever
They have left us with life lessons, memories to treasure
As we live out our lives, may we always be aware
That our lives are not for just us, but to share
As a part of a much greater, much larger plan
That God has for us all, each woman, each man
Yes each life is a precious new gift to this world
A gift from the hand of God, a new plan unfurled
May we all be reminded as our life’s book we write
That our lives have a grand purpose, let us unite
In our wishes, our purpose, our stern resolve
To live out God’s plan, to give other’s God’s love. | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 4:07:25 PM | This is such a meaningful thread that I can't help but wish the mods would 'pin it' into position at the top of the forums.
I've spent a rather emotional Sunday morning reading about the incredible spirits who have faced such challenges and come out of them with so much more to offer that it's hard to believe that in the forums, we find postings about how people would never be with someone they think has been "damaged".
Bucsgirl... I hafta tell you girl... I've gone through more than one kleenex after reading your story in the posted link. If anyone had the right to b*tch, moan and groan, you certainly have earned it and yet, you have acquired one of the most beautiful forms of wisdom I have EVER had the honour to read! Words don't quite cut it so knowing that, I will simply thank you for sharing your powerful story... but it's a thank you that comes with my heart attached.
ItsMargo.. My admiration for you grows on a daily basis... I also read your story on the loss of your pony and how your old friend actually let you cry into his mane long after he was gone. What a gift that in this, you found your own truth about what it meant to love! Thank you for sharing this...
RedCassandra... You need to be a lot more vocal in the forums! (LOL.. sorry but you do!) This thread could do so much good and inspire so many if people would just take the time to read it (and I hope they do...). Thank you for triggering my own yearning to create a positive ripple effect for others.
The ripple effect that changed my life came in the form of a dream that my little girl had when she was 8 years old. She woke up crying hard and trying to tell me about it in the lavender dawn we found ourselves sharing. In her dream, she was a time traveler and she had not been born yet. She visited her father to tell him to be at a certain place at a certain time so that he could meet me and she could be born. She then visited me with the same message. She visited her older sister and told her not to cry for a baby sister because she was on her way. Throughout the day, she brought me other details about her dream but the most remarkably spiritual aura surrounded her while she spoke that I actually sat down and recorded her dream in the form of a letter than I placed in her baby book. At the end of the letter, I wrote, "We don't understand much about the miracle of birth or how we end up with certain spirits being born to us, but if in fact you chose us to be your parents, I will be forever grateful to you for doing so." And then, I put the letter away.
Some years later, after my annual medical exam, I was suddenly called back to my doctors office to undergo extensive testing. My doctor had gone on holidays and I was told I would have to wait for his explanation as to why I was suddenly having skull x-rays, CT scans and so on. I was terribly frightened.
In the recent years, I had wandered away from my spiritual beliefs and I now found myself thinking that with all the rotten things that had happened in my life to that point, I should wander even further away. I felt that I had either offended God too much or that He simply didn't exist.
My sister brought me a book called "Embraced By The Light". I was upset with her for bringing me a story of a woman who dies after surgery and thought that was a rather insensitive move on her part. I left the book untouched and dusted around it many times in the next weeks while I waited for my doctor's return. And one day, when I could resist my urge to read it no longer, I sat down and opened it up at a chapter toward the end of the book.
In that chapter, the writer watched as 2 little angels quarrelled over whose turn it was to be "born" to the married couple they were watching through a hole in the clouds that let them see earth. And I remembered, my daughter's dream.
In that moment, any doubts I had about the existence of angels or God fell away. That dream and the writing in that book matched exactly and I could no more look away from the message being sent to me than I could stop breathing.
I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor underneath my brain when my doctor returned to the office. It is non-cancerous and slow to grow. It has now been 13 years since I received the message and I am doing very well but I would not be if I didn't have that powerful message to rely on when my faith waxes and wanes. I believe that it has made me a better person in so many different ways because if nothing else is going right, I believe that my own ripples need to be such that they contribute to others feeling loved, valued and necessary on this earth. Nothing else really counts.
Thank you for letting me tell my little story... and for so many sharing theirs with me...
Now... where do I find the mods to talk 'em into pinning this post??? 
God bless to you all...
With admiration,
Silken Fire | |
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Posted: 6/1/2008 4:22:09 PM | Silken, thanks for the kind words, they touched my heart and meant more than I could possibly tell you and to the other who posted. Funny Girl, a darling friend and sister I've known and loved for years. A sweet and gentle spirit, it's been an honor to know you. WeAre1, thanks to you for posting your message. Myth...my sweet sister and friend...how could I possibly not be strong when I'm being held and susurround by all the wonderful people here.
Silken, thanks for sharing that I got goose bumps! I can relate so much to faith waxing and waning. God works in such mysterious ways that we cannot know. This thread, the stories the emails I've received because of it...just what I needed when I needed it.
Nothing else really counts. Truer words, darling lady...the only thing truly worth having, embracing and cherishing in this life is the privilege of giving and receiving love. It's a wonderful thing, nothing less than a miracle that the more love you give, the more you have to give.
There is definitely so much more to life than what we can see, feel and touch. I believe it!! 
Lucretia, bless you for sharing your story. I can picture it...totally can!! You have a special gift of a radiant, warm spirit.
Kyn the apples don't fall far from the tree. Silly cliche, perhaps but your children are the truest reflection of you. | |
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Posted: 6/2/2008 2:24:56 AM | Forgive me that I hate to see such a beautiful thread slip into the back pages while the trivial ones dominate the scene...
I hate to see the "ripple effect" losing its ripple... I'm not ready...
And there are probably about 40,000 POF'ers that NEED to chance upon it...
So.. I'm throwing another pebble in the pond.. hoping I don't tick off the pondkeepers... This is my ripple of the day...
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Posted: 6/2/2008 4:45:38 AM | Ok...well my last post...I gave to Red...and the world... being ripples of me that I am giving to others with thought and without regret.
After I posted that...I thought...what have *I* given indirectly but with great pain.
Should I even say it?
This post...is to be something of a confessional...I am about to let the world into my most private circumstances that I wouldnt have posted any other time...but almost feel as if I should... cos I shouldnt feel *ashamed* that they've happened.
My story isnt as huge as some of life's battles that others have dealt with, I expect absolutely no sympathy and dont deserve it...but they were events... my chapter ...
and they are *part* of me.
The story may seem obtuse at times...but its all connected by threads that make a whole...please indulge till the conclusion if you care to listen.
My marriage and its ripples...
I met my husband...blonde, blue eyed...of his Finnish/Irish ancestry. We were together from almost the day we met...and were apart maybe an entire week in 7 years. We werent co-dependent...we really were together because thats where our lives were, we were happy.
He made me smile, laugh, annoyed me too but rarely argued...life was good...and life was exceptionally plentiful to us.
I was born...of one side...poor European immigrants...the other..."dinkum" Aussies (sounds ridiculous because australia is only 200yrs old)...the other side....of English commoner ancestry blended with French aristocracy and Chinese. Am definately a "mutt" by any standards even if a little unique.
As I told Red once...unique is ...what people pick up to look at, then put back down.
Anyway...I was the dark horse (literally by color & persona) of the family as everyone else is blonde with blue or light green eyes.
I took...after my father...who'd been killed in an accident when I was small.
Back to the marriage...we prospered, we became parents...and were about to again.
During my second pregnancy...I developed... a growth in my throat (no I wasnt a smoker for all those "oh well she's a smoker" people)...my choices at the time were...to have diagnostic treatment, then medical intervention and possibly damage the unborn child...or live with it...take my life in my hands and assure my child would be ok regardless of what might happen to me.
I opted to let it go....to let the baby grow.
During this time...as you would expect...I was scared...my husband knew.
I made it through the pregnancy...and the 1 hour and 40mins birth ...to give to my husband...a son...the male child of him. Something I would have thought all men wanted.
Our son...jet black hair...dark eyes...squished nose...funny face...long and thin...nothing as I would have expected but nonetheless...a son.
My husband changed in an instant...and I had no idea why.
The man I knew who came home from work to greet me with a smile became distant, his words were cruel, they really were...he treated me with contempt, absolute contempt...I cant begin (nor would I) go into the details...and for 5 mths I fumbled alone through new motherhood for the second time while he hated me... and the only relief was that the growth was benign.
Any other time...I would have had strength to deal with it...but not at that time because of what had happened to me physically and emotionally.
Finally...after all my "giving" and "understanding" to him in his "time of need" whilst I was in the most vulnerable times...and confusion (work must be terrible)...when I needed him the most...and after other circumstances that I wont go into here...I blew up. I confronted him and why he was treating me/us that way...and he just walked.
We were abandoned.
For those that dont know...men bond with their offspring when they look at them, they see themselves...and thats what binds them. My son, Our son...looked nothing like his father (nor me)...and my husband thought...Id had an affair and was offering him a child that wasnt his. Thats why...thats why he did what he did and why he treated me the way he did.
So that is my story...I dealt with what I had to at the time...I moved on...after he abandoned us...while he turned to gambling and destroyed our entire life because of depression and the guilt he felt after realising he'd annihilated our entire life/family over a thought...a completely unrealistic and unfounded thought.
I struggled as you can imagine...for several years...with two tiny babies, no home and no money and insurmountable debt...through eating rice to be sure there was milk for the babies. Through the abandonment of friends and family who didnt want to get involved ...and why should they?
My first christmas...after getting back on my feet financially was indulgent...but it was alone...the same as every other since...
I look at my son now ...who's grown to be blonde haired, blue eyed, the image of his father...the "cause" of so much pain...with the same love I felt for him the moment he was born
So where is the ripple you say...?
My ex husband is remarried with two new babies...beautiful little ladies with blonde hair, blue eyes...who look exactly like their father...and a wonderful wife that reminds me ...of me.
And know...he wont make the same mistake again. <<< there is...the ripple. | |
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Posted: 6/3/2008 4:42:10 AM | I look at my son now ...who's grown to be blonde haired, blue eyed, the image of his father...the "cause" of so much pain...with the same love I felt for him the moment he was born
So where is the ripple you say...?
My ex husband is remarried with two new babies...beautiful little ladies with blonde hair, blue eyes...who look exactly like their father...and a wonderful wife that reminds me ...of me.
And know...he wont make the same mistake again. <<< there is...the ripple.
I often look at events and say to self, "Self, there is a reason behind all that's happening,
even if you can't see it and never do.... keep walking through the fire, because in the "end",
there's going to be a lesson for someone".....
The Ripple Effect.
Reading Kyn's story, I thought how sad that all that happened... the child being born so dark
and unlike his father... sharing no characteristics of his mother.... and how the father made a
decision to believe something and acted on it and how it ruined years of possible happiness!!
And then I see Kyn for who she is now. Strong, independent, smart, loving, funny and
one hell of a woman. Would she be who she is now had it not been for the actions of her
then husband?
His actions set a pattern of ripples into flow... and how they were dealt with meant the
difference between a victim and a survivor.
I saw the same with Bucsgirl's story... she chose not to be a victim, based on the actions
of another, thereby changing how the ripples affected anyone else that came into contact
with them!
We have choices.... we're not mere pebbles being tossed against the tide of someone else's
actions and reactions. We can change the course and the feeling of those ripples just by
changing how we react to them.
I see so much strength and courage spoken here... and it's because those that were hit by
a wave from someone else's ripples decided to change the tide and offer a more gentle
version... and yet a stronger version.... just by choosing love, rather than fear.
I am filled with such admiration for those that have shared and those that won't.... because
I know that changes are being made. The flow is changing direction and the world, or our
small part in it, will be a better place, if only for the moment that ripple hits another....
And hopefully they will benefit from the love that came their way.
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Posted: 6/3/2008 5:45:11 AM | Just last night i went throught the RIPPLE EFFECT, i read through it over and over again, and OMG! RED, YOU ARE BLESSED. You may not know, but you are changing the world.
Ever since i read the RIPPLE EFFECT, i have felt touched. I have been looking for the right words to explain how i feel, but i still haven't found the right words to express my feelings. But i want to thank Red for all what she has said so far. I have been touched by an ANGEL.
I want to keep writing, but i don't even know the right words or right thing to say right now.
But all i can say right now is that Red has touched my life, and i'm thankful.
She deserves an Award for this, and for not only only touching my life, but others as well.
D'POET | |
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Posted: 6/3/2008 6:27:28 AM | I don't know, sometimes I think the ripple effect can only travel so far. Cause somewhere across the frozen landscape of the far North, clubbing 275,000 baby seals to death is still an annual tradition ...
and as Canadian as maple syrup.
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Posted: 6/3/2008 8:14:32 AM |
And then I see Kyn for who she is now. Strong, independent, smart, loving, funny and
one hell of a woman. Would she be who she is now had it not been for the actions of her
then husband?
Aint that the truth.........................!!
She & many of the Posters are indeed amazing for sharing their personal & painful experiences with us....................
~Kyn~.......sending you hugs,peace & sunshine,ALWAYS,
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Posted: 6/3/2008 10:01:21 AM | Dang! And here I was thinking someone had finally created a thread about Ripple Wine...
Don't y'all just hate vague/misleading thread titles? | |
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| The Ripple Effect
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:17:07 AM | | It would have to be saving a little 4 yr old boy from drowning when I was 11. I was camping with my family at a campsite where we would go quite often. There was an old creek next to the camp where all the kids would go to swim. We had a rope tied to a tree and would swing out and drop into the water. I was there with my three brothers along with a lot of other kids that day. I had just gone off the rope into the water and was swimming back to shore when something caught my eye in the water not far from me then disappeared. I swam over to see what it was and up popped this little head. It was a small boy sputtering water and flailing his arms then he went under again. When I reached out to grab onto him, in his panic he grabbed onto my long hair and my neck choking me and pulling us both under. By time I could get us to where I could touch the bottom of the creek we were both choking water and he was turning blue. At this point my brothers had noticed what was happening and one ran to get our dad. Thankfully this little guy turned out to be ok, terrified of the water and spent the rest of the summer following me around.....we nicknamed him "tag along" LOL. I have no idea where he is now or what kind of a person he grew up to be or if he ever ventured back into the water. | |
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| The Ripple Effect
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:20:02 PM | Many of us extend the ripple effect in ways we neglect even to think about: parenting.
I endured a painful childhood with a continued history of physical abuse and the emotional horrors abuse brings with it. I determined that I would not let any child of mine suffer it or suffer because of it.
I was divorced from a very disturbed person when my son was quite young. I stayed married longer than I should have to protect him from that ogre, and I was quite shaken when the judge awarded custody to my wife, but judicial opinion at the time, in Virginia and many other states, dictated that "the mother gets custody" in almost all cases.
Visitation was made very difficult in spite of my efforts: quite often my son's mother was not at home when I arrived to pick him up; she scheduled his doctor's appointments during my visitation period; she sent him off to summer camp during my visitation periods; he was frequently too sick to go. She followed each visitation with an extensive debriefing of my son, wanting to know who I was seeing, what we were doing, what films we were seeing, what food we were eating (and who was cooking it), and word-for-word what was being said . . . and everything was being written into a logbook. Christmases and Birthdays, his or mine, were not acceptable times for visitation (but New Year's Eve visitation was QUITE necessary.
She moved several times during my son's formative years -- to states far away. I did visitation nevertheless. She accused me of planning to kidnap -- I challenged her in court and continued to do visitation. She accused my relations of sexual abuse--it got kicked out of court. She attempted to saddle me with charges for 90 days of inpatient mental care for my son -- that didn't stick either. Other, less notable events occurred, too many to dredge up, but despite the hurdles and obstacles, my visitation was a constant and dependable series of events for my son: she could do nothing to shake the firm mutual committment I had made to him and he had made to me.
We spent HOURS and HOURS determining and discussing the rights and the wrongs of the world. We spent a lot of time talking about truth and honor and loyalty. We discovered that bass fishing was wonderful. We learned that roller coasters scare the hell out of kids (and Dads). He and I learned where some dandy swimming holes were. Hotdogs were great over a campfire, and sassafras tea with freshly harvested roots was great when savored on a hike on the Appalachian Trail. We learned that at the end of the visitation, a stern debriefing and a logbook were also a constant. He learned that I was required to defend myself if I was as little as an hour late in returning him from visitation (in spite of a flat tire and a telephone call). He learned that even mothers could encourage a son to lie to get visitation cancelled. He didn't lie, and visitation continued (but he lost hisTV privileges).
He is getting married at the end of June. He graduated from high school and college, and he teaches in the public schools. He is marrying a real nice girl, too. He reminded me last week of something wise I said to him a long time ago (something I had long forgotten). He is a wonderful person and a credit to the human race.
His mother is an old, withered, nasty, deceitful shrew, condemmed forever to spend the rest of her life stirring a fiery pot of boiled eyes of knute, a thick logbook, and a load gopher gizzards. She will die an uncelebrated death, I'm sure.
My son is much, much better than that. He stands loyal, trustworthy, honorable, and committed to an admirable code of life. I like that.
We ripple many things into the life of our kids, don't we? | |
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| The Ripple Effect
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:19:41 PM | OK. This is way too personal, but.. who cares, I'll never meet ya anyway. lol.
My father dropped a pebble. I am his ripple.
My father was drinking really heavily by the time I turned 10. It was a birthday without the happy part. Everyone was quiet as we listened to him screaming at mom upstairs over the blare of bugs bunny in the living room where were congregated every night. We knew and expected to hear the rumble of the floor when it would turn violent. It always did (and btw, kids really do feel as if the violence is happening to them.) He was big, she was smaller but always stood her ground. We were 8 at home. The oldest 3 were girls, then me, the oldest of 4 boys, and a little clingy sister who hung on me like... well.. a big brother. When the battle turned violent, two of the older girls would step between them and break them up. My father would never hit his daughters. Even drunk. But mom was not one of his daughters.
It was Saturday night, after supper when the battle erupted. It happens that none of the older girls were home that day. Being the oldest one home, my younger siblings looked at me, actually begging me to stop them. In my fathers few years of sobriety, he'd always tell me "Sometimes a man has to step up to the plate, and do the right thing. Even if he's afraid." He told me that so often, that he'd often just say "even if you're afraid" as he passed me in the hallway after overhearing me talk about a bully or something. Well today I was doing what he'd told me so many times, and I stepped up to the plate. The battle had reached the landing in the stairs by the time I was moving in. He was about to punch my mother when I grabbed him by the arm. Time stood still for a moment. No.. an eternity. I remembered how he would immediately calm down when my sisters did the same. Sure, he still yelled and stuff, but the rage was gone. This is what I expected him to do.
Time resumed, and that's when he dropped his pebble into the water. My father, who hadn't always been a drunk, taught us how to wrestle, skate, play ball, fish, swim, pitch a tent, start a campfire, hammer a nail, laugh, and everything else good fathers do, turned on me like a wild animal. Maybe he did this because I was a male and was invading his territory. Threatening his kingship. Who knows. I do know that he scared me like I'd never been scared in my short life. So I stepped off the plate, and watched as he hit my mother. Once they settled down, he fell asleep, everyone went to bed. I stayed up. I kept thinking... "I should have taken the hit. He would have stopped if he hit me. I couldn't protect my mother. What kind of man was I? I wasn't a man and I was afraid". I eventually fell asleep to those thoughts. That was his ripple. It took me years to realize that I wasn't a man! I was a 10 year old boy! lol. Never the less, the stone was cast.
We lived in a low rental housing project. It was a very tough neighborhood, and I was one of the runners. Run home from school quick before someone beats me up. Again. But something happened to me that night. I grew up and became a man. Good thing too, because he was booted out of the house and I took on his roll. "Watch what you say and do because your little brothers are following you and will do like you do" my mother would tell me.
As if to prove that I wasn't a coward, that I would never back down from anything again, and most importantly, that I would never be afraid to protect anyone, I stopped being afraid. Bullies who ran to me, expecting me to run, got an elbow or a mouth full of knuckles. They stopped pretty quick, and most became my friends. That summer, I would just look for a reason to defend someone, even for something as small as an argument, most backed down, but everyone knew I meant business and wasn't afraid of anyone. By the time I was 13 I was one scary dude. But in a good way. lol. My mother would often point to my friends out the kitchen window and say "are you like them?" "Nope. Not me." I walked the rails, but stayed on the right side of the track. I got my first job at 13. It was, and get this... to protect kids from bullies. lol. "Can you watch johnny at school and make sure no one beats him up?" "Sure." The lady handed me $5!!!! I never asked for it, and sure as hell never expected it, but I wasn't going to give it back either! lol. By school year's end, I was like the firkin pied piper, with all these kids following me home from school, dropping them off as we passed their house, then have them follow me to school the next day. lol. By the time I was 16, I didn't have to prove anything to anyone. Not even to myself. Oh I still scrapped, but only in a hockey game and at the dojo. lol.
While the pebble made me a rescuer, the ripple continued and let me wash that part off eventually too. No reason I couldn't rescue myself right? lol. But... old habits die hard.
One thing I keep repeating to my boys and daughter, is: "Sometimes you have to step up to the plate, and do the right thing. Even if you're afraid."
Why? Because I believe it.
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As an aside. The old man didn't drink the last 30 years of his life, was the man he was supposed to be, and according to my mother, was the man she married. Who knows, maybe he took his own advice.
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