| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 11:23:10 AM | I think you are being ridiculous; what are people supposed to say? I suck at choosing a partner, I have gained some weight, I like to watch tv too much; blah blah. They are going to tell the good things about themselves. What else do you want them to do.
And you thinking people are terrible because they are on a dating site is a joke; I dont have any problems dating and I use it as a last tool; I'm sure many others do too.
There are plenty of good people on this site I'm sure.
I love chocolate and I love steak. If they are together though, that is pretty gross and a terrible match. Some people are good people but they have problems finding a match. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 12:20:27 PM | I have to agree with most of what mthomjmark wrote in the above post ... I certainly don't have any problems dating and use this site more as a social networking site than a dating site, anyway ... plus, I love the forums ... regardless, if given a short opportunity to put something together that is going stand out and have any possibility of drawing the attention of potential interested parties for even a short time, I certainly want to write something positive, proactive and appealing about myself ... if you follow up and want to know more, I'm happy to share ... and if you are really curious about my faults, I'll be happy to share those, too.
I certainly didn't write any false statements on my profile (why sabatoge myself in the event that I would make that connection, right?) and just put something together that allows people who are interested too have some insight about who I am and what I represent ... they can believe what they want, but if they choose to meet, then I'll be happy to back it up with something of substance.
Gathering from what I've read here on this thread, people building themselves up seems to be an issue ... I know I got bashed from some online bully who rated my profile about my having a love affair with myself because of what I wrote ... if that's what comes from my being self - confident and knowing what I bring to the table, so be it. I think far too many are quick to pass judgement and base their assessments of others on their own misfortunes, jaded perceptions, prejudices and all of the other hard luck stories that make up their day ... JMHO ...
jeffery | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:53:30 PM | i am slightly arrogant, but when being honest with myself I know what strategies work for me to gain favor with women, and how to enjoy a superficial relationship. They may rub some people the wrong way...
I also find that I can't really relate to anyone on that deeper intimate level anyway. This veneer is pretty much all I have to offer. I think maybe I am just not capable of it, or that it is unlikely I will find someone that who I will become really close to. I'm at peace with it, and also with having an inflated sense of self worth in some people's eyes. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:22:11 PM |
Many of us are alone, but many are not. Being on a dating site doesn't necessarily mean a person is alone.
Of those that *are* alone, many are not, in fact, lonely. Being alone does not equal lonely for everybody.
I am absolutely, 100%, without a doubt SURE that we are *not* all looking for the same thing.
Well said, vro312!  | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 2:40:23 PM | Oh Yeah! I'm All That, And Then Some!
It's the "then some", you had better be worried about ! lol
Many people are just way too generic in their profiles!
And really, it's like the saying in Real Estate, but in Dating it's:
ATTITUDE ATTITUDE ATTIDTUDE ! ! !
The positive character embellishments one can live with,
but any negativity will scuttle your best attempts! | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 3:44:21 PM |
They are going to tell the good things about themselves. What else do you want them to do.
How about telling the TRUTH up front and saving us all some time?
I am a few lbs overweight SO I SAY IT in my profile - unlike one of my dates who said she was "Average" and at 5'1" tipped the scales at 175 lbs. I understand that the average woman is probably a size 10 these days-- but a size 16 hardly qualifies as average. She lied just so she could get a date - why would I want to continue the relationship at that point?
AND FYI - it was not the weight that upset me - it was her lying about it. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 3:47:06 PM | msg #60>>>I find it very, very, VERY silly that people assume that being alone romantically makes you ineligible to be "all that."
.Marc your thinking and reasoning are beyond your years.. I agree with your post whole heartedly. Too many think that the length of time on a dating site signifies that a person must have something lacking.
First, let's be real-- the profile is supposed to talk up your strengths. It doesn't generally mention negative character traits.
The information given on the profile is your one chance to "sell" yourself and to allow others get a bird's eye view of what you're all about. If I see a long list of what a person doesn't want instead of what they do want, it just tells me that person focuses on negativity instead of giving the reader some insight of his/her interests and what he/she thinks of themselves. Positive attracts positive.
Second, I don't know about anyone else, but I'm very picky about who I get involved with. I know what I want... and I'm not going to settle for less than what I want.
Exactly!! To be selective does not necessarily mean you're looking for Mr. or Ms. Perfect or searching for a non-existing person you made up in your mind. It just means you know what works for you. Settling would make for a relationship doomed from the start - cheating yourself and the other person.
Third, I may not be "all that" to everyone... but to the right person I'd be pretty cool....
I couldn't have said it better!! 5 kudos !! | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:05:14 PM |
(Msg 84) Too many think that the length of time on a dating site signifies that a person must have something lacking.
When I was dating I always asked how long the person had been on the system. I wasn't thinking about what they lacked. My concern was two-fold.
First, how important is a relationship to that person if they have not been able to establish one over a lengthy period. Their reply could be anything from not having the time to pursue a relationship (their AD was running but their dating was interrupted by studying for exams at college or they had an ill parent or they started a new job with odd hours) or they've dated but haven't found the right one yet which led to my second concern.
What were they looking for that they were unable to find over that extended period of time? While I didn't lack self-confidence I also didn't delude myself into thinking I could satisfy what must be a lengthy list of requirements. Also, assuming I did satisfy the lengthy list what would be required to maintain a relationship with such a person? | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:23:09 PM | msg #85>>>What were they looking for that they were unable to find over that extended period of time? While I didn't lack self-confidence I also didn't delude myself into thinking I could satisfy what must be a lengthy list of requirements. Also, assuming I did satisfy the lengthy list what would be required to maintain a relationship with such a person?
Sure, we all have some sort of mental list of the attributes we're looking for.. speaking for myself at the very top of that list is that I have to feel that special "connection" or at least the possibility of a special connection. Without that it, maintaining a relationship would be doomed.
Until then, I'm quite content with my life the way it is .... happy. Settling just to have a warm body next to me or because I feel time is running out or for any reason for that matter would jeopardize that happiness. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:34:25 PM | there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. You can be with someone and be lonely regardless.
some are alone by choice and quite happy...I say strive in discovering that true happiness that is within each and every one of us without a partner...then think about getting involved. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 5:47:59 PM | amen, sister ... well said, Mirage 111!
It's sad when I hear from so many of my friends and associates who are in relationships and who state that, despite being with someone, they are truely lonely and mourn the loss of the connection with that person with whom they are partnered with ... and who feel that making it work is beyond their control, too much work or not worth the effort because both parties aren't truely vested in doing what needs to be done and making it click ... I hear this so often ... that more often than not, their relationships have grown stagnant and it's become more a matter of convenience or co-dependance than anything else.
Or those who are in long term relationships / married that tell me that I was smart to wait ... and given the opportunity, they would trade with me in an instant ... it certainly leads me to believe that being on my own and without a partner isn't necessarily a bad thing ... and certainly doesn't mean that I'm lonely.
sad sad sad ...
jeffery | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 6:29:23 PM | OP: Being "all that" to me translates to "I have complete confidence in myself to not ever let a man/woman/family member/friend, or rabid doberman physically or mentally abuse me ever again. "
I'm alone purely by choice. I've seen what's out there and prefer my own company to what I've seen lurking in the murky water on here.
As long as I have the confidence in myself to know I'm "all that", then I don't give a rat's booty as to whether other people think I am or not.
And do have a nice day!
Sans  | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 6:55:26 PM |
(Msg 87) I say strive in discovering that true happiness that is within each and every one of us without a partner...then think about getting involved.
I have a question. Does that mean reaching a point where one is equally happy whether alone or in a relationship?
When I was dating that was always a concern of mine. My thinking was/is that if a person feels that way they will have little incentive to maintain a relationship.
For example, some people are "people persons". They like to socialize. Others are "loners". It's difficult to cultivate a friendship with a loner as they really don't care for a number of friends. Whether it's dinner parties or just hanging out they would just as soon be alone.
If one is equally satisfied whether alone or in a relationship what would motivate them to be or stay in a relationship? If they're equally happy eating breakfast alone on a Saturday and equally happy spending evenings alone wouldn't that require their partner to continually strive to convince them of the benefits of partnership as opposed to knowing their partner prefers the idea of regular companionship to being alone? | |
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jani1
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Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 89 | |
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jani1
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Joined: 4/12/2007
Msg: 90 | |
| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:13:18 PM | I have a question. Does that mean reaching a point where one is equally happy whether alone or in a relationship?
When I was dating that was always a concern of mine. My thinking was/is that if a person feels that way they will have little incentive to maintain a relationship.
It does not mean that. It means feeling complete, together and ready to share, instead of looking for a rescuer. Relationship should be about sharing and learning from each other. If you feel empty alone or if you are in a mess and expect a rescue, then you will have nothing to share, and you will become a burden.
If one is equally satisfied whether alone or in a relationship what would motivate them to be or stay in a relationship? If they're equally happy eating breakfast alone on a Saturday and equally happy spending evenings alone wouldn't that require their partner to continually strive to convince them of the benefits of partnership as opposed to knowing their partner prefers the idea of regular companionship to being alone?
If one of the partners is not motivated to maintain the relationship, then it's not a functioning relationship and there is no point to it.
A good relationship will be worth maintaining.
As for being happy to do various things alone - I have read somewhere that in the best marriages, each partner is a guardian of each others solitude. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/30/2008 7:18:29 PM |
I have a question. Does that mean reaching a point where one is equally happy whether alone or in a relationship?
That's exactly what it means.
When I was dating that was always a concern of mine. My thinking was/is that if a person feels that way they will have little incentive to maintain a relationship.
May seem that way, but in a GOOD relationship that adds to your already happy life, you would want to maintain it.
For example, some people are "people persons". They like to socialize. Others are "loners". It's difficult to cultivate a friendship with a loner as they really don't care for a number of friends. Whether it's dinner parties or just hanging out they would just as soon be alone.
I'd say extreme loners are this way - but even extreme loners do like a couple of close friends...they're just not into a crowd or a ton of aquaintances. Also, someone who's happy with themselves doesn't have to be a loner...they can be extremely social, but just don't value themselves on what others think...
If one is equally satisfied whether alone or in a relationship what would motivate them to be or stay in a relationship?
It would add extra to their life.
If they're equally happy eating breakfast alone on a Saturday and equally happy spending evenings alone wouldn't that require their partner to continually strive to convince them of the benefits of partnership as opposed to knowing their partner prefers the idea of regular companionship to being alone?
Naahh. Being happy alone doesn't mean that someone can't appreciate someone being there, it just means they don't feel like less of a person if they don't have someone. One could argue that people who don't like being alone might not care who they're with...as long as they're with someone. On the other hand those happy with themselves won't grab at anyone to avoid being alone, and will choose a potential partner more patiently and might make a better choice. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/31/2008 1:07:32 AM | ^^^^  The world is!
I am because I am picky. I'm not going to lie. I know I am picky, but don't think that settling is an option. I want the whole shabang! That, by no means, means that I want Mr. Perfect, but rather, Mr. Perfect for me (which I can say is far from the stereotypical Mr. Perfect). I don't mind being alone (it is not like I am ever really alone between friends and family...alone would be nice). I like my life the way it is, but would enjoy having someone to share it with, so if I am looking to enhance my life and not for other reasons, then I don't see why it is crazy to wait for the "Right" person.
I also have a horrible habit of interrupting people (that I am working on) when I get into a heated conversation, am overweight (supposedly the American average, but let's face it, I am overweight...also working on that), a single mom (real killer because apparently guys think I am after the wrong things...funny, though, it doesn't seem to be an issue anywhere other than online), and a number of other things...no one is absolutely without fault. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 5/31/2008 4:50:55 AM | This is so true.
On the other hand those happy with themselves won't grab at anyone to avoid being alone, and will choose a potential partner more patiently and might make a better choice. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:09:24 PM | I bet I have read about a thousand profiles. Granted, many of them are alike, because peopel don't know what else to say. But there are many, many profiles that are creativly unique. Keep looking. You'll find them. If you can't find any, then write one yourself.
And what is so bad about being alone? Being with someone doesn't mean your problems are solved or that you wont feel lonely. Being with someone is when you find out what you're really made of. Living alone is easy. There is just as much joy and pain in coupledom as in singleness. It depends on which set of issues you want to deal with. People often want what they have. Sometimes we don't know when we are well off just the way we are. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:13:27 PM | I would prefer to experience life without diluting the experience with drugs or excessive alcohol
does being alone require experiencing life in a drug-induced haze to make it through? i don't think so...
a friend for the journey and a committed lover are all well and good, but they are certainly not prerequisites to my sense of belonging. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:20:25 PM | | Yes, we are all "out there "but like it or not we have to find ,"That special one" who lights our lamp more than any other, and makes our heart sing,You know the one we can'tget enough of>?, we all have seperate likes and dislikes ,thank goodness ,otherwise we would still all eating chops and peas for dinner,So we will just keep looking, till Our bell is RUNG!! then wow, so, never give up. keep looking and maybe tomorrow,?? GOOD LUCK<< all the best Frank, | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:40:26 PM | LOL... I can't tell you how many men I've come across that more or less told me they were really interested in somebody like me who looked more like Penelope Cruz
There is nothing wrong with being "all that", but the reality check is that many people are not looking for "all that"... they have other things in mind, which include just goofing around, sex partners and trophy mates. Not everyone is looking for someone nice, sincere or long term, even.
So, there's that. And then there's the fact that if we all appealed to each other we'd never get anything done! It's not like walking into a well kept orchard where all the fruit is beautiful, ripe, and just hanging there for us to grab. People aren't produce. We have to be careful, selective, and patient.
And we have to occasionally deal with the fact that some people are just not into us.  | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 8/20/2008 8:43:05 PM | Being alone doesn't automatically default to being lonely as well. When I was alone, for almost 2 years, not once did I ever feel lonely.
Alone and lonely are 2 separate things completely.
Hell, some days I can feel completely alone in a group of people. | |
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| If we are all all that why are we alone?
Posted: 8/21/2008 12:07:52 AM |
Being alone doesn't automatically default to being lonely as well. When I was alone, for almost 2 years, not once did I ever feel lonely.
Alone and lonely are 2 separate things completely.
Hell, some days I can feel completely alone in a group of people
I agree with BigDaddy here. I happen to enjoy my alone time when I need it. Doesn't mean I am lonely rather it means I am comfortable with who I am. When I was much younger I felt LONELY in a crowded room.
As for being "all that" I don't think my profile says that at all. I know I am just me, take me as I am or don't. I no longer am so worried over others approving me and feeling the need to impress. I have learned that I kinda like me, with all my flaws and quirks and clumsiness. Doesn't mean I think I am perfect and can't learn or grow. I just no longer am so insecure that I base my acceptance of myself on others opinions.
And the man that I give my heart to will be able to understand this, even apply it in his own life. And until the time comes that we're together, I am certainly ok with being alone. Besides, I have lots of friends that I can hangout with and laugh with to keep that loneliness at bay. | |
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