| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:00:54 AM | My husband cheated on me for a year and a half brfore I found out about it. I was that stupid. I was never so hurt in my life. It almost took my life because I was consummed with it. I couldn't sleep, eat, walk or go anywhere. I was in deep despair. After accepting it, leaving him and stating a new life, I couldn't be happier. I've lived alone now for one year and five months by myself.
kayre
Brenda | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 6:03:03 AM |
My husband cheated on me for a year and a half brfore I found out about i
Could I forgive an affair? NOPE. My ex knew there was only one thing that would end our marriage. 28 years of marriage here and honestly; I thanked the woman who called me on the phone and turned him in. Sucks to be him that he didn't have the guts to fess up on his own.
I'm glad you're happy now; I am too!
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 6:06:25 AM | | Could I forgive an affair? Not a prayer. A "midlife" crisis is not an excuse to cheat, at least not in my eyes. If I can be faithful, so can he. If he isnt faithful, then he doesnt deserve to be with me. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:09:23 AM | got the cell phone bill two weeks after he bailed and he had been calling her since December 21 but over Christmas was sleeping with me, telling me how he loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, WTF, he told me he was "done" on January 21. How the hell can you walk out on your wife and kids and into some one else's bed after 4 weeks of phone calls
Op I gave my Ex 7+ years of pure 100% ALL MAN! She traded me in for the same thing, Another dude who threw a few fireballs her way! It's been very.very hard watching her trade me and the kids off like that!
So guess What, Have him get a hold of my Ex, Maybe then can hook-up? I'm sure they'd make a great rotten couple, Ya say....They are just alike!!!
Don't that SOB another Chance BTW!! SCREW HIM!!! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:11:24 AM | No forgiveness here! We are all responsible for making our choices in life and must take full responsibility for them.
I could never trust anyone that did not honor our bond of trust and fidelity.
Step up to the plate men and woman if you are not happy and let your partner know that you are in need of something more or someone else. Sneaking and lieing is very telling as to the character of this person. You are better off without him and so are your children.
Just my humble opinion. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:11:50 AM | To Forgive...I believe IS to Forget.
That is why in cases such as this, it is very very difficult. I wouldn't even attempt it if I felt I couldn't be successful at 'forgetting'.
It only takes two....the cheater and his/her new 'thang'. (not saying the relationship DIDN'T have troubles...just saying it did not have too, to prompt the CHEAT...as some just don't reveal their true character...until they 'need too' for self serving reasons) The new (thang)....doesn't know the old (loyal other half). And of course believes all they hear and the 'new' sympathizes with the cheater by telling them how they will do everything better..because they are better, they 'understand' them blah blah blah!! Delusion built on the lies they've been fed, and their OWN self serving reasons in believing it all.
A cheater most likely did NOT give a clue as to the problems they felt burdened their relationship to the other LOYAL partner.....that might have prompted FIXING the problem...and a cheater doesn't want FIXING....they want a REASON to cheat...and the 'new' to convince them of an 'out'...show them 'better', by way of money, or sex, or some sort of 'easier'. All of which begins to crumble once...once again 'committed'...to the new 'thang'.....as that was their own self serving motive from the beginning. And the 'circle of love' continues to go 'round n 'round..........:) All of this of course is in my own humble opinion! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:32:23 AM | Well, I am hardly an expert on this subject -- since I've never been married. And as far as I know, I don't think I was ever cheated upon in previous relationships.
And, I know I'm going to get flamed for this response (as I cover my head, and duck!)
As I have posted in other threads, I get very annoyed with married or separated people who either are on dating sites, or who are seeking companionship elsewhere IRL. One reason I get so annoyed is that for at least the past 20 years, I've somehow been a "magnet" for married men. Believe me, I'm not bragging. I detest it and discourage it. But for whatever reason, I consistently get far more attention from married men than from any of the single, available men.
So, I finally decided to think seriously about why this was happening so much. Obviously, many are just looking for a casual fling. But, I also would caution many women and men to be sure you are not driving your partners away. Again, I am not bragging. But, my natural personality IRL is very upbeat, positive, and outgoing. I really think that winds up being attractive sometimes to SOME unhappily married men. (And, many unhappily married women are in the same situation.)
If I were lucky enough to be involved in a relationship, I can tell you that I would never say things in front of my partner such as, "Well, I have to do everything myself if I want it to get done." I would also be very open physically and emotionally.
And, please note that I'm not pointing fingers or laying blame. I'm making an observation based upon many years of experience. It's my greatest hope to meet a man who is single, available, and ready for physical and emotional intimacy. And if you are fortunate enough to have a partner, then I really encourage you both to work at it. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:47:20 AM | Zeeba:
I agree with much of what you are saying...
BUT....(and there always is isn't there... LOL)...
For many men and women.....in the beginning of their relationships.....when it is still 'easy'....all seems to go well.....BUT, if one amongst the two has 'cheater' tendency's....once easy becomes 'work'....(and all good relationships come with WORK)....the 'cheater' starts falling backwards in some manner....if even in their secret thoughts.....begin looking for ways out.....looking for 'better'. They may have kept the wool pulled over your eyes for years....because it would be way to inconvenient for them to allow you to know...ie child support, alimony ...or the generous kindness of the other still being of some sort of 'value or .....and just not finding or obtaining the 'easier' yet....so, they don't 'dismiss' one until they have secured another with 'better, easier 'offerings'.........
It is that part of the character I find so 'unforgivable'.
Honor in leaving, is just so hard for them because it doesn't pay!
You 'do'...until they find their 'I deserve more...better' new 'thang'.
The most damage is done in the cunning, manipulative manner in which they use one until obtaining, securing the 'next'......AND that is always what the 'new' one is....just a "next" in line, until they too become 'work'. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:48:49 AM | I also would caution many women and men to be sure you are not driving your partners away.
ZEEBA!!!:
HOLY $SHIT!!!!!!!! Women, you know what's up!! Don't duck down..!!
You stand tall Honey, Get the ruler out and TEACH THESE WOMEN SOME VALUE, TEACH EM SOME MORALS and you go buddy!!
Good for you..I'm 31 never married and prolly will never be, Cuss Man have I seen the women hittin' on me while with another man!!!
My Last fling was with me and I found out she had 4 other boyfriends..WTF!!
Anyway...Yeah...CRAZY WORLD HUH!
Good Answer btw! Experience is a great teacher!
I also would caution many women and men to be sure you are not driving your partners away. (THAT'S EXACTLY RIGHT) I'd have to say let's start out with honesty, Stay home and grow up! Don't be runnin' with yer damn girls all the time telling me your going out to a simple lunch with Ted, Yer work partner...Yeah Whatever..!! That's how it all starts!
Men can be just as bad!
Maybe I should go buy a dog...He'll never leave, Never complain and always be there for me lol | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 8:54:09 AM | | I totally agree with manducati. If he cheated, then the realtionship doesn't have a strong foundation to start with so how can you build upon it? Building on a weak foundation is just setting yourself up for a bigger fall later on. Let him go-you deserve better | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:07:30 AM | Mr. Look,
Well, thank you! It's nice to know I am right on target...much appreciated, believe me!
HeelsRSO4ever, thanks so much for your careful response. I really tried in my original message to refer to "SOME unhappily married men" and the same for some women. I totally understand that in particular situations, the male spouse or the female spouse might just get a thrill out of cheating for the heck of it.
However, my experiences have been so consistent over the last 20 years that I have to wonder if some married women (and married men) are inadvertently driving their partners away. My goodness, I am 46 years old -- and over a year ago, I wound up dealing with yet another married man! I could write a book, and I probably should! Perhaps sex is an issue, or non-issue. Perhaps it is that the spouse has become so intertwined with the children's activities that no time is left for the other spouse. Perhaps work is a priority -- too much of a priority. Perhaps the married couple has purchased a McMansion, and are now struggling to make payments for a house worth less than the owed mortgage. And, perhaps one spouse has really let himself (or herself) go in terms of physical attractiveness, expecting that the other person should love him/her no matter what.
I don't know, quite frankly, if I will ever have a long-term relationship -- I'm still hopeful of meeting a single, available man with that amazing physical and emotional connection. But, I DO know what I would and would not do in such a relationship. Should I ever be lucky enough to have a relationship, I'd keep a lot of communication going -- inside and outside the bedroom. After that, I'd just have to trust the guy, and keep my "antennae" up for any signals that something was amiss. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:22:15 AM | | It used to be the 7year ich, and now its the 5! Thats just an expression for an 'easy' way out of a relationship. However which way you look at it, the 'relationship' you had together for what ever reason, didnt work and so his head was turned. So bearing that in mind, get yourself loads of self esteem/self worth, good positive thinking and find another man. This is a good vehicle to meet people, join in events, have a laugh and get out there. x | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:38:17 AM | Zeeba:
It's all around tough for sure! And I am glad you have strong conviction on the 'married man off limits' issue......Some.....really do have so little 'self worth'...that 'eating off someone else's plate' seems to be more and more 'the norm'. I don't get it either...but, it certainly is for whatever reasons happening all around us. "Loyal" must be a 'two way' as well as the 'giving' and 'forgiving'....or it is the very things that becomes the tool for one against the other. Trusting the untrustable. One at home feeling bad about their troubles and how are 'they' going to fix the broken? The other....out looking for 'relief' and 'understanding' outside of the promises of the relationship that made it a 'marriage' or 'LTR' to begin with.
Married/LTR people need to just 'remove' themselves FIRST from the marriage/LTR.....if NOT how can they really explain their behaviors BUT blame it on the other. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 11:43:55 AM | OP, your story is almost the same exact thing as what happened to me. Mine was a year after we built our dream home. He at first tried to tell me that he needed to get an apartment and get this out of his system and that it would make our marriage stronger!!! I told him that he should have thought before he unzipped his pants for his co-worker, exactly what it was that he would be throwing away. I know that the pain he caused me is the deepest hurt I have ever felt in my life, but I also know that he broke the sacrament of our marriage and was incapable of having boundaries. It has been 2 years, my son has no respect for him... he cheated on her and many others, he burned his own bridge. What is it they say about reaping what you sow? It is important to forgive, but it is also important to learn from it. We can take the bad that happens to us and let it control us, or we can take it and learn from it and become better for having known the pain.
God's speed to you! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:47:23 PM | | It would be tough, but yes, I could learn to forgive. You've got to be a realist and understand that people cheat all the time. It would also depend how long it was going on for.... | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 12:57:53 PM | Heels,
Thanks so much! And, that definitely was the point I was trying to make -- no matter what the situation, the married spouse needs to work on it, or reach a compromise to rear the children in a stable environment until they are on their own, and/or to end the marriage with as little trauma as possible, then move on. But whatever the situation, do NOT involve single people. I feel the same way about separated people.
And, it takes both spouses to work on the relationship. The burden cannot fall upon just one, alone.
Ironically, if I ever do meet IRL a cute, single and available man who is attracted to me and me to him...oh, boy! Watch out! I've been good, for far too long...  | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:12:19 PM | zeeba, you do make me lol...
your naivety is quite refreshing, rather like my 14 year old daughter. your theory on how you would conduct your long term relationship is wonderful, but real life is very different. what you would and wouldn't do is right on target when written down on paper, the reality of actually living it is completely different.
as for being a magnet for married man... well, sorry to be burst your bubble, but you are doing something that attracts them, you are sending out some signal that they are responding to. men, married or single, do not hit on women that are not interested.
i have never attracted married men, either in real life or online, i genuinely don't and wouldn't become involved with one and this is the signal i send out, and this is the signal they respond to.
as for the op... forgive an affair? over my dead body would i ever forgive or forget an affair. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:30:44 PM | Could someone define "forgive" for me in this situation?
Does it mean I go back to having the same relationship with the cheater as we had before? Am I supposed to trust that person again? Forgiveness is not something that is given to you. It's something you earn. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:44:03 PM | Could I?
It depends, maybe. But I don't tell this to him. The fact that a man loses his marbles once is not a reason enough to end a productive and otherwise successful relationship. I can be very pragmatic and it all depends on what is at stake. Everything has a price in life and it's up to one's own judgment to decide if 'that everything' is worth the price or not.
I have found that people in Europe have a different attitude toward this issue. A woman would never think of throwing everything away for a little insignificant affair. In America: they divorce, no matter what. I have never understood if women here are more stupid or more intelligent. Maybe men are jerks more....LOL.
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 1:44:48 PM | [quoteIt would be tough, but yes, I could learn to forgive. You've got to be a realist and understand that people cheat all the time. It would also depend how long it was going on for....
I am a realist and I don't believe that statement for one minute.
It's a total copout. A copout for weak people who don't have the wherewithal; integrity; respect, loyalty, true love and caring for someone they have committed to. It's total indifference to whatever vow, or promise made.
Being faithful to someone in a long term relationship can be difficult at best. Ups and downs come along; things happen to challenge relationships. The strong stay and work through it; communicate - the weak are the "people that cheat all the time". | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 9/30/2008 4:10:40 PM | Yeah
once
then there are the kids to think of (they were so little)
second time turned a blind eye to it
again kids (could not destroy their world)
put my fingers in my ears and sing loudly don't want to know more.. have heard too much...
After spending the last several years being accused of her behavior... I'm filing and looking..... might as well get on with my life.
Kids are grown  | |
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