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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:00:47 PM | When parents split up, it is always a mistake, I believe, if either parent gives the child (children) any reason to think they have anything to do with the breakup—even if they do. Though children are invariably affected by a split up between their parents, they are also affected by parents staying together without showing each other the love children should see between parents. Children are very perceptive and will feel the negative energy between their parents even if those parents put on a good show. It is NOT healthy for children to witness the charade or open hostility or the effects of the private battles of the parents. That's not to say parents can't have disagreements. It's to say love should be incorporated into the process of resolving conflicts. If parents can't resolve their issues, their children will have issues. Splitting up is sometimes the best resolution for giving the children a chance to later develop healthy, loving relationships of their own.
Children are also affected in unpredictable ways by the negative things they hear one parent say about (or to) the other. Some parents take such communications to an even more destructive level for their children by conveying negative sentiments about the other parent directly to the children. A parent MUST, I believe, avoid agreeing with a child about the child's negative feelings about the other parent. One can acknowledge the child's feelings and observations without encouraging the child to view the other parent in a bad light. Remember, that other parent will always be the child's parent and therefore a part of the child's identity. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:01:37 PM | He's playing you like a violin.
He did this to the woman before you, he's doing it to you now. This isn't a "mid-life crisis" as far as I'm concerned, his past history, as you have mentioned, bears this out somewhat.
In my eyes, once the cheating has happened, trust will never be the same, and if you forgive him, I say you'll be enabling him somewhat to do it again. If you do, he could very well cheat again thinking you'll forgive him again, is that a risk you're willing to take?
Kick him to the curb, extra hard.
He says he dosen't want a serious relationship right now in his life, but don't close the door on us cause he may change his mind.
He's keeping you in the bullpen incase the new flame doesn't work out.
I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out he had more affairs than the one you mentioned either. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:11:17 PM |
Hi Op
Could you forgive him if he truly was remorseful and give him another chance?
Could he ever be truly repent of what he has done ?
My daughter believes that her dad left our family to be a dad to that other little girl.
What are you listening too!
A women needs to be feeling secure, safe with total love, concern, honesty, trusting in a concrete relationship. This guy broke that trust. Which should be the most import thing in his life and the whole world when you love some one. I cannot understand how some women are so gullible, that they put up with a bloke like this. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:45:09 PM | Do you think he will ever realize what he threw away and be remorseful? Could you forgive him if he truly was remorseful and give him another chance?
I forgot to say in my previous post on page 1 message# 17 is that about six months after my ex left for his new "soulmate" who happens to be a welfare whore, he came crawling back asking me to give him another chance. Why?? Because SHE left HIM!!!!! Needless to say, told him to go f**k off.
Sure, he acted remorseful because he had no where else to go. I certainly did NOT let him in and have since moved so he doesn't know where I am and has no way to ever contact me.
Chances are, he will do the same to you. Don't let yourself get sucked in by this loser. Sure, it would be easy to let him back as you are very, very vulnerable at this point. Sure, you will have some lonely nights,but it's a whole lot better than being with someone you certainly can NOT trust!
You deserve much better. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:51:34 PM | my parents were married 20 years and I was 12 when they got divorced.
My dad left my mom for a younger woman who was also married to someone else with a child , so as you can see, all kinds of lives were messed with, not just the two people in the affair.
In time my mom did forgive my dad, I don't think she could ever forget it , but life went on , things between her and I got better and we settled in to our new family dynamic quite nicely.
he came back begging for forgiveness months later, and my mom took him back. Thinking this was the best thing for all involved. It wasn't , it was pretty much the worst mistake she's made in her life , I believe anyway. They were miserable ,my dad was grovelling all the time ,my mom couldn't trust him ,and I was just plain old miserable with the whole thing.
Kids are smarter than we give em credit for , they pick up on tension ,inneundos and little bits of conversation here and there...
fast forward hmm about 15 years , my dad called my mom , VERY apologetic for the havoc he caused by cheating etc, seems he had a EUREKA moment when the person he left my mom for and married, yep, wait for it ....... CHEATED ON HIM!
my mom is in a much better place now and happier (I believe)
I do think it's posisble to forgive an affair ,but if I was cheated on , although I could forgive , I doubt I could get past the shattering of the trust part , which would ultimately lead to the demise of the relationship anyway.
no trust , no point as far as I'm concerned. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:52:10 PM | I was cheated on. he just started living with her. devasting, hurtful
no way to get back self respect, i will never know why
they live a block from my parents, i cant visit
i will kick him in the balls if i ever see him again, doubtful , i dont have the confidence to face people, everyone knows, small town | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:56:21 PM | | Wow saberwood, why are you taking on all this because of his bad behavior? Don't ruin your life because of his actions. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:56:55 PM | So he left a wife and kids before and you're surprised? Doesn't see his older kids much, never talks to them treats them as 'friends'? Judge people on their actions, don't even consider taking this one back the guys been a complete a-hole for a while.
History ALWAYS repeats itself. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:58:46 PM | Sorry this happened to you...I could not go back after something like this happened.
Take care of you and your daughter...and dont give the bum a second though. Easier said than done. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 4:59:44 PM |
The downside is this seems to be his pattern, he left his first wife the same way when those kids were 2 and 4, I didn't know the truth about that until a week after he left me.
ummmm... wha???
okay,, so you are the second or third wife of this guy?
And he left his first wife and got married to the second .
And then left the second for ..you?
YOu are the third wife then. 4th?
ARe you sure that you were not aware of his status when you first started seeing him?
Think back.
and you never ever questioned this guy before? Please don't say that saw nothing and he didn't act" that way" with you.
You must have asked him point blank if he cheated on his wife or wives?
Did he not see his first wife and their children? So he had no contact with them? YOu never spoke to his first wife to find out what the guy was like? or She never said anything to you about him?
You only found out that he cheated on her ( the first wife ) at some later date?
There is some information missing here yet we are not supposed to ask about it or question it.
We are just supposed to answer the question as you posed it, without wondering if you actually were one of the women with whom he had an affair. That would be considered insensitive.
This sort of thing actually happened to a friend of mine. The hubby cheated on her , they divorced , then hubby married girl 2. Hubby and girl 2 have a baby. Hubby cheats on girl 2 with girl 3.
girl 2 phones my friend ( the first wife ) to complain about how hubby cheated on her and how awful she feels. NOt to express remorse or sympathy at how my friend must have felt.. but to say how bad she feels to have been cheated on...
Hubby is now on girl 6.. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:11:15 PM | I am not sure it matters if you can forgive the affair or not. You should ask yourself what is the depth of this man's emotions. If he can leave you that fast for another woman, how much did you ever mean to him? I am not trying to be hurtful, but rather trying to help you to save yourself more pain from this male.
I think you and your children are all better off without him. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:15:23 PM | Renegade outlaw made a very perceptive comment about how he acted 'remorseful'. He ACTED remorseful because he (and others like him) are akin to sociopaths. They don't really react as healthy individuals do, because there is just nothing there. Healthy people of moral fibre would feel remorse and guilt and suffer depression as a result. Healthy people would realize they had made a mistake. But people who cheat are narcississtic and completely self-centred. Lacking in morals and self-esteem, they can only mimic emotion when it serves their purpose.
The question is...how do you cope with the betrayal of a selfish coward? As daunting as this may seem, you must stop beating yourself up and CELEBRATE. Celebrate you ask? When he shattered my world? Yes. He has liberated you. He will continue to shatter lives. He will not change. Now you have the opportunity to close the door and find a good man. Dry your eyes, forget about him and get on with being the best person you can be. Let love come to you. Thank your lucky stars that he revealed his true nature...and get on with living. You are a lucky woman! I know you won't believe this now as you grieve.....but you will. Trust me, I know | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 5:31:24 PM |
WHY does your daughter think that dad left to be a dad to the other girl...unless her MOTHER told her such?!
this type of judgmental attitude really pisses me off. obviously whoever wrote this never has been through this experience.
Umm...the "whoever wrote this"...that would be me. Judgmental? Not really.
First of all, my post was the first reply to the OP, with the limited info from her initial post.
Secondly, even for the most brilliant 5 year old...well, that sort of response came from somewhere. (This was prior to hearing that she goes to see Dad at this other woman's home where the other child is.) And more often than not, kids DO hear these things...whether it was intended or not, I don't know. Mom talking on the phone to her family and friends...maybe she thinks kiddo is asleep...kiddo hears an argument between parents, etc. After all...the OP did say that the daughter also said something about "Why don't you stay...." and that is NOT a conversation or a question that a 5 year old should even be exposed to asking! FIVE! (And his reply...even worse! You do not say things of that nature to a 5 year old!)
Third point...yes, I have been through a similar experience, though in no means, identical. I was a true (meaning no weekend daddy in the picture, even) single parent and I have MUCHO empathy for such. I never uttered a negative word to my children about their sperm donor...they discovered all the realities on their own...at an appropriate age. (They are all adults, now.) (And no...I did not refer to him as "sperm donor" back then!)
Lastly, I also experienced such with my own father...all the more reason why I did not inflict intentional animosity on my kids and their father. I know as a child, I had the typical "fantasies" of my parents reconciling. I saw him slowly lose all interest in being a father, but now I realize that he never really had an interest...I was just a "result" of the marriage. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:00:04 PM |
Could you ever forgive an affair
For me? NEVER. Of course everyone is different (see Hillary Clinton). To me, loyalty is something I value pretty high up on the list. I could never forgive cheats and/or liars. They're off my list forever because that's a betrayal of trust and I just don't take that lightly. But again, that's just me. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:06:52 PM | Eeeeewww. Just think, they come home with someone else bodily excretions on them and then pass them on to you and your bedsheets. Grosses me out. I seriously doubt I'd be turned on by them after that. I could forgive but I don't see how I could respect them. It's a terrible spot to be in. Especially if your lives are enmeshed with marriage a home and kids. I really don't know what I'd do in that situation but I expect I'd kick his @ss so hard he'd probably never look me in the eye again anyway (coward). I just don't see how it could work after that but I say never say never. Life is too complex for that. I just pray it never happens and keep my eyes wide open.
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 6:40:28 PM | OP, he has wised up....he may never admit to you but he knows what he threw away...
I can forgive them but could never forget and there lies the problem. I would never be able to forget what was done to me. I wouldn't be able to trust him.
Some men lie so easily about their status like it only effects them...when if effects everyone they come in contact just about...the wife, the other woman, kids, etc...
My father never lived with me when I was little but he was in my life. My mother never spoke an ill word against him but told me that when I was little I used to tell her he was gone because she was sooo mean...LOL! I know kids come up with their own reasonings in their little minds.
HTH can he tell you not to close the door, he closed it...
But you do have little girls involved and the decision is totally up to you. I could...the decision is would I...I would wanna kick his butt everytime I saw him and let him feel our pain! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:12:12 PM | Nope. I'd be a paranoid nutcase with major trust issues if my SO ever cheated. For his mental health and mine, I'd have to end things.
I am not jealous at all, he does what he wants now. But knowing someone had crossed that line once, I'd never feel safe with them again. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair........ummmmmmm
Posted: 5/27/2008 7:53:34 PM | So I have read alot of these, and honestly its not the issue of the affair. It's the issue of what do you want? Sure you can forgive and affair.......god people forgive far worse. But the point is, if he/she is screwing someone else.......THEY DON'T LOVE YOU.
I don't know what else to say. I mean come on, if I love someone then I want to be with them. I want to have really crappy times with them, great times and that mundane stuff in between. Who is kidding who.
The question should be, Are you willing to tollerate it?? I'm not. But then again lots are. It's up to you. Do you honestly think you deserve to tollerate someone not holding you in the highest regard??? YOU DO DESERVE IT. And once you see that you might meet the person that will do that for you.
And what worst case senario you are happy and content with people who love you, and you feel great, but you are single? WOW, doesn't really sound that bad. And for the record once you get there "They will come".......like the cheesy line. But its true.
My thoughts | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:01:22 PM | To Everyone,
I have never said a negative word about H infront of my children, I won't even talk to him on the phone infront of them. I do it from work.
As for what my daughter said about him leaving to be a dad to another little girl, this stemmed from the first time he had the kids and took them to his residence and the OW and her kid were there, her kid told my daughter "I don't have a daddy" (apparently he left when the OW was pregnant). This is also a man that told his 13 year old daughter that he does not discuss his feelings he drinks them away!
As for where I fit in, I was wife #2- he and his first wife had been divorced 4 years before I met him. He never made an effort to spend time with his older kids, even they and his X will tell you the only reason he saw them in the last 6.5 years was because I picked up the phone and made the arrangements.
Like the older kids as the years go by my kids will form their own opinions of their father, hell he himself has already told them that he could not see them because he had no money for gas!!! These are his KIDS, find a way to see them. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:09:39 PM |
I was wrong and I apologize to you for possibly having hurt your feelings and / or cast doubt as to the veracity of your story. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:14:07 PM | [I always feel BOTH parties are to blame when cheating is involved. ] msg.22
i'm sorry missmelly180,but cheating is a decision made by the loser in the relationship,Ican't agree with you. How is it your fault when someone cheats on you? Marriage ( or a relationship of two consenting adults) when it is enter because there is love and one becomes a traitor ,how is it the other person 's fault? I could understand it when the main reason for the relationship is only sex or money or both,then it is to be expected for one or the other to cheat ,and then both are to be blame,but thats a different thing cause thats a game.
doublesma close the door on that loser for good one day he will cry his eyes out when he realise what he's lost ,and that will be your revenge,hate to tell you is not enjoyable to see someone you once loved crying because of their mistakes,but there is a lil satisfaction to it . | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:15:27 PM |
I was wrong and I apologize to you for possibly having hurt your feelings and / or cast doubt as to the veracity of your story.
Thank you,
Yeah hindsight maybe I should have picked up the phone all those years ago and asked point blank to his X "so what is he really like" LOL, I know now why she was and is the way she is with him.
I suppose what I was really looking for more than anything is how does someone (male or female) just up and walk out that easily on their kids. Ok you have issues with me, but for the sake of your family would you not want to try, would you not agonize over what to do?
And for the record we never fought or argued, YES we had our tiffs, but the kids have never seen us fight or call each other names, etc.
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:23:56 PM | Different circumstances call for different measures.
I would like to think that I could forgive an affair, because I don't believe man is a
manogomous creature by nature. But in your case this "man"( word used lightly),
has blatantly paraded his affair in front of you and all to see.
IMO anytime a person makes their SO feel disrespected and stupid then its time to say goodbye.
You should get on with your life and in retrospect you will find that this was a person who was not worth your dignity..
Good luck. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:24:06 PM | There is no right or wrong answer to this. Some people have a hardline rule about it, and I must admit that for many years I did too, and maybe I still do, dunno, nobody has ever cheated on me yet, at least that I am aware of. I think most likely, if it happened, that would be it for me, hasta la vista. However, if I had a lot of time invested in the relationship and if a number of different things happened to convince me that the relationship was worse saving and we came up with a new plan together for how we would proceed so that it would not happen again....then maybe. A relationship that has lasted a very long time and has a lot of good things going on...its a real shame to just throw it away because of an indiscretion. Chances are high, however, that if someone cheats, there are other problems with the relationship, so chances are high that it will just be the straw that breaks the camel's back.
Anyway, I don't think there is a right or wrong answer for this. It just depends on you. But under no circumstances should you be a door mat. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair........ummmmmmm
Posted: 5/27/2008 8:44:10 PM | | Never,never and never again. You will never trust him again. I didn't ever trust my husband after i took him back and i was right not to. He repeated exactly what he had done before I kicked him out . I caught him talking to her at 3am in the garage with his robe and slippers on. i caught him in morning hour in the bathroom with the bathroom door barred ,strange numbers on my phone until i finally found out that he was talking to her everyday ater work and seeing her .That was it for me i kicked him out the next day and now i'm divorcing him. YOU might forgive him but why ,he's not worth the effort and you and your kids will only suffer in the long run ,trust me been there done that. | |
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