| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:03:58 AM | seems to me that this scumbag wants his cake and eat it too!!! if this isnt the first marrage hes bailed on then he aint gunna change....next the divorce papers will be coming thru the door so he can marry his slut on the side...few years later he will probs do the same to her!!! hunny dont put ur life on hold for this guy !! personally i wudnt give him the steam off my sh!t, the only downside to this is that theres a child involved and there needs to be sum type of amicable relationship btween u both for the childs sake....other than that tho id start divorce proceedings hun , i kno that women sumtimes when they have been left by thier husbands feel afraid of being alone..left on the shelf....but do u honestly think that this guy who has walked out on u and ur child as easily as he has deserves you??...course not!! maybe when he stops being so selfish and thinkin bout his sexual needs and and puttin them b4 his own flesh and blood then u cud sort sumthin wit the child but until then id tell him to fcuk off!!! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:11:34 AM | For those of use still decent and dedicated to the one women who we would love and fie for I'd say he will regret it the rest of his life and then some.
A person should not swear in front of GOD that he will hold faith in his wife and make such commitments if he is not 100% serious, although in the last few weddings I notice allot of the words are missing so that might no longer count.
I would say the probability that he will get dumped and more then once is exceptionally good, and that (despite our current philosophy) God was paying attention and will resign his mercy concerning his behavior.
Just be a good person and endure and things will work out for the best they always do even when we think not. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:20:23 AM | OMG just went on another thread and it was exactly this, men who go, one, two, three times at family life.
Never thought of this side of it - poor kids, poor women that he sucks in, and is anyone checking this dude out at the clinic, sounds like he cant keep it in his pants?
Rather than worrying about having him back, I would be worried about what he left me with. sorry just have to say it like I see it on this one. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:47:40 AM | | You're kidding right ? You already know the answer......Personally, he'd be buried in my backyard. There is no forgiving cheating....and the lying that goes along with it. The betrayal of everyone involved. I couldn't bear for him to ever touch me again after intimately touching someone else. The trust would be gone forever. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 9:48:29 AM | When my marriage blew up, I was a total wreck. Even looking at my kids would destroy me. I could help but think about what they were going through. I had them in counseling a week before all hell broke lose. I remember standing behind them at the first counseling session. I was watching them and another counselor must have been watching me, because she walked up to me and said something that took the world off my shoulders. "They're not feeling the pain you're feeling. They're doing fine."
She was right. They were doing fine. They were talking without a hint of pain (doesn't mean they didn't have any though). Sometimes in our grief, we assume others who are involved in it with us feel what we are feeling.
Bring your children to counselling. If they don't need it, so what? I know the counters in my kitchen are clean, but I'll wipe them anyway. Get it?
As for forgiving? Never.
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 10:01:00 AM |
I don't think anyone "forgives" an affair, I just think there are many instances where people probably "tolerate" them based on their individual situations
Well, your examples of such did not exactly apply to the OP...and in my personal opinion, there IS no "reason" to stay in a sh1t relationship and just keep feeling sh1ttier. We are not talking about an open marriage/relationship...or a marriage of convenience.
And the OP did not ask if she should just "accept" or "tolerate" such (NO!)...she asked if you can "forgive" such.
But whether you have the legal piece of paper, or you were in a relationship...it hurts all the same. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 1:19:41 PM | | missmelly 180....with all due respect, your attitude is dangerous and it plays into the cheating game. Of course the cheater would think of a million reasons why they are justified in cheating...they have to live with themselves so they will find any excuse to assign the blame to their partner. The truth is that no one can force you into the arms of another. The man with integrity will end the relationship and THEN begin another one. The man with integrity will seek counselling. The cheater takes the coward's way out and sneaks around instead of ending it like a mature adult. The cheater then blames the victim...another example of cowardice. Because the cheater does not want to look in the mirror every day and realize he/she is a louse. It is NEVER the victim's fault...NEVER. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 1:58:44 PM | once might be a mistake but twice is a behavior. and for him to ask for the option of coming back if things do not work out task task.
it might hurt some but do yourself a favor and go get a man that you can trust and grow old with. and this fool will just be a fool if you ever think back about it. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:05:42 PM | | They used to brand people who cheated they were called adultreys and the branding should stil be here to warn others of what that person is like. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:06:27 PM | Been there done that. I forgave mine and all I got was four years of more lies and hardship.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Give him his walking papers and get on with your life.
He'll do it again when something new comes into his life. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:24:09 PM |
They used to brand people who cheated they were called adultreys and the branding should stil be here to warn others of what that person is like.
I wish they still DID!!! He deserves to wear the letters A (for much more than Adulterer) SB(SCUMBAG) and many others!
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:44:16 PM | The basis of ANY relationship is trust. Once that is gone, it's basically over. I'm a pretty resilient guy and I can put up with a lot, but the first time a girl lies to me is the last. It goes without saying that a cheater won't have to worry about the door hitting her ass on the way out, because my steel toe workboot clad foot will be propelling her through it.
All the cheater types I've personally known, and I've known a few, women as well as men, they never, EVER change. The second they think they're in the clear, they're right back at it, so unless you want to be a parole officer for the rest of your life, I'd say it's time to move on. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 2:58:39 PM | | I agree with the 'parole officer' analogy! What has been overlooked here is how YOU, Op, will feel about yourself if you let him in again. There would be nothing noble about it, though you may trick yourself into thinking that you are 'doing it for the kids'. Or showing what a forgiving, thus compassionate person you are. But deep down you will know that you are settling for second best. You will know that you will have allowed a louse back into your life for another chance to kick you around. You will know that you allowed him back in because you have no self-respect. And this will eat away at you...this refusal to embrace self-respect. You will end up hating him, and more important, yourself. In effect, you will be the cheater this time....and the victim will be YOU...again | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:07:38 PM | You are right circle, I need to have enough self-respect for myself and my children to NOT allow him back in, if he decides that is what he wants.
I agree with the poster that said cheaters will never change.
I won't put my kids or myself through this again.
I also know that deep down, I need to admit these things to myself.
I know its just a matter of time before he bails on this one, not necessarily for another woman, but he will eventually leave her. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 3:34:18 PM | | doublesma....I speak from experience. You will feel pain no matter what you do. There is no avoiding it. You will feel incredible sadness and anger. It is almost like someone has died. One goes through this long period of grief. For the year after it happened to me, I think I cried every day. One day he was there the next he was gone. Your whole life is shattered. Perhaps because I do have such high self-esteem, I decided to fight back. I decided that my actions after his betrayal would matter down the road. I could have laid in bed for a year drunk. I could have given up. But I refused. I started exercising and lost 47 pounds. I kept up my deep friendship with his family, who were (and still are) devastated by his behaviour. I refused to speak with him unless he agreed to counselling. No drunken phone calls, nothing. I have not spoken to him since he left. I put on a brave face for my family as well because they were extremely worried that I would lose it. No matter how depressed I was I never showed it. I gave him virtually all the property he wanted. I sold the house on my own...I virtually did everything. Two years later, I am not crying every day. I have never looked better. His family adores me for being a class act every step of the way. They continue to contact me and I respond even though I would rather they moved on....I do it because they are victims too and need support. I became involved in my community and met new friends. I did volunteer work. I did EVERYTHING I could to make myself look and feel better. I trusted my instincts that my actions would matter. I was right. I am proud that I reacted with dignity and confidence. I figured there was nothing worse than having to look back and be embarrassed by angry displays, phone calls, bad mouthing him, dragging him to court. I was right. Instead of life being over, it has just begun! But it does take time and great effort. Invest in yourself now and it will pay off as it did for me. Do what I did, keep busy, never say a bad word about him to anybody. Be the great lady that you are. He will notice that you are not a sad wreck (which he wants to see of course, because that way he can say to himself that he was justified in leaving this sad wreck) but a confident, optimistic, pleasant and dignified woman who is also a terrific mother! That will drive him nuts! And then the regret will come....oh dear what have I lost? How could I give her up? It is so true...time does heal all wounds and success is the ultimate revenge. You already know what he is....and of course he will do it again, no question!!! Who CARES??? You married the wrong man! Oh well! We all make mistakes! You were obviously a loyal and committed partner...it is not your fault! You did the best you could with a selfish, immoral infant! Now get out there and celebrate and never let him back again! And find yourself a real man! But not any man...only the best for you | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 4:38:05 PM | HELL NO....Never again. People who cheat, will continue to cheat. There is no changing the stripes on a Zebra, just like there is no changing a cheater. A cheater is a cheater. They dont neccessarily cheat for a relationship as much as they cheat for the thrill of doing it, getting away with it, living on the edge.
Yes, I did try to forgive my ex for her indiscretions. She had affairs before we got married, while married to her last ex. No it was not with me. I thought maybe she had given all that up, as she was now gonna be married to a really good guy, one that did not gamble, drink to excess, spend all the family money chasin. But I was very wrong. Mabye she cheated before, but I was never able to prove anything till 7 yrs before we actually split up. She had a affair with a coworker she used to work with.
I found out, thru emails, etc. I worked hard trying to forgive. I worked hard on the trust issues...However, everytime I would get close to being 100 percent, she would pull another one. After 7 yrs, I guess she decided to leave for good. She started many, many months in advance, working issues out, sneaking money, items out of the house. I even believe she arranged what appeared to be a break in, to get certain items out of the house and hide them out. Then, she filed for the divorce, left me with all the liabilities.
Bottom line...Hell No, never again. A cheater is a cheater and will not change. Further, If I find out while dating someone they cheated on their ex spouse, there will be no more dates. I will not get close to someone who has issues with a need to cheat. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 4:47:35 PM | | Nope! There are too many things to consider in my opinion. Self-esteem for one thing IS a consideration. I've always figured it this way; if i'm not the one they want to be with, let them be with the one they want. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 4:59:06 PM | | I am not justifying the cheater. I never said that. I am not saying cheating is okay. I said there are many reasons WHY people cheat and that there is SHARED RESPONSIBLITY between the two in the relationship on the CAUSE of the cheating. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:09:47 PM | It sounds like BOTH you and your daughter are going through a rough time right now.
There are no easy answers, here. You will, in time, want to forgive sothat YOU do not carry it for life with you.
Whether or not he will wise up, come back, seek forgiveness, get counseling, take baby steps back is what I hope for you.
If he is not interested, get the help you need for yourself and your daughter regardless of his actions or lack of them.
Betrayal is a hard thing to take when that was not a part of the middle-class, two-car, two-kid, two-dog, picket fence dream you had as a young girl.
My condolences and prayers are with you. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 5:58:03 PM | | OP- I tried forgiving an affair once. I will never do it again. After more than three years together, I found evidence of his cheating. I confronted him, he pleaded with me to forgive him and take him back. I never truly trusted him again, and it turns out my instincts were right. Even though we stayed together for another year after that trying to patch things up, it turns out he was having yet another "relationship" with someone else. By the time I found out about her, she was pregnant with his kid. I kicked his butt out and never looked back. She continued to email me once in a while telling me how he was cheating on her, too (surprise, surprise!). Finally, I had to tell her to leave me alone, too. Some people never change. I know most men don't act like my ex did, but I promised myself I would never put up with such behavior again. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:08:12 PM | | In order to truly forgive, you have to forget, and I don't think I could forget that! I'm very sorry! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:23:53 PM | True forgiveness has nothing to do with letting him back into your home and heart, or not - nor is it conditional on anything he does from here on in.
The reason, they say, one has to learn to forgive everyone and anyone in your life who you feel is a major part of the pain you carry is because it is the essence of the road to healing and releasing the pain so that you can live a fulfilling and loving life and not be affected by this (even unconsciously) in the future.
And it's a process to forgiveness. I said before you have to go through the stages of grief first and that will put you through hell - it's not easy. But eventually, the goal is understanding why and understanding that forgiveness is not really for him as much as it is for you, for it's your pain you carry, not his.....and will carry until you release it.
Forgiveness is that gift we can give ourselves, for not to forgive is holding onto anger and resentment and entitlement and blame and a bunch of negative emotions that can eat at you and result in thoughts of vengence - for years. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/28/2008 6:27:33 PM | This is so true, and it is an ongoing process:
Forgiveness is that gift we can give ourselves for not to forgive is holding onto anger and resentment and entitlement and blame and a bunch of negative emotions that can eat at you and result in thoughts of vengence - for years. OP - I feel your pain, but nothing in your post indicated that he shows any real remorse. Add that to the fact that he has exhibited the same behavior in at least one previous relationship, and it doesn't bode well for you. | |
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