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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:30:13 PM |
1st ...Why would someone want to have an affair if they were in a strong relationship?
1. ANSWER: Because he runs away from responsibility, and apparently uses women and alcohol as his escape.
2nd... It takes two people to make a strong relationship.
2.ANSWER Yes it does, and when ONLY one of them is giving their 100% effort it wont work (I gave the effort)
3rd... It takes two people to destroy a strong relationship.
3.ANSWER: Yes it does, and Him and his other woman did it.
4th... So if your partner has an affair is it totally their fault???
4.ANSWER: Yes it is, because he CHOSE to cheat, did he tell me he was not happy or that there were issues he felt needed addressing, NO he did not, he chose to take the cowards way out and have an affair.
I realize none of you know me from a load of hay, but believe me I wanted to fight tooth and nail for my marriage, I was willing to go to counselling for whatever issues he felt there were, HE chose to not discuss them, or sit down and talk, HE chose to screw around, he looked at me and said "It's not you its me"
He chose to not put effort into the marriage, as long as he had his toys, and had no responsibilites he was happy.
Even if your relationship is not strong, it DOES not give you the right to have an affair. Work it out, or get out .
Beautiful summation of this particular situation. it probably could sum up many other people's with only minor changes.
Beautiful.
this should be a STICKY- a permanent reminder. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/30/2008 1:58:47 PM | Thank you Momarks.
I have asked my counsellor over and over what did I do wrong in this relationship and you know what her answer is...... "You overfunctioned and loved unconditionally" So if I over-functioned by doing it all for him and in essence enabling him, then shame on me, still no reason to have an affair and throw away your marriage. Sure I made comments like "If I want anything done I have to do it myself" but you show me one woman who has NOT said that, and it was after several attempts at doing daily things and HE said to me "leave it I will get it"
BTW- If some woman (or man) did all for me that I did for him, and all I had to do was get the kids to and from school, and my laundry was done. banking was taken of, I could have whatever toys I wanted, I could sleep until noon on weekends because I worked nights, hell I'd think twice about leaving!!! 
He needs major  | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:38:15 PM | Curlygirl- seriously....I'm really sorry, but for some reason, you don't get the point of all of my posts and what I have written through out.. go back and re-read them from page 1.
I never justified my friend and said it was okay that she cheated. I said I sympathized.
I'm done trying to explain myself to you or anyone else.
Do some google research keyword "why partners cheat".
There are a bunch of good articles.
And I know no-one wants to hear this but, there are always 2 sides to every story and neither of them is right or wrong. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 1:02:16 AM | I think he KNOWS what he's thrown away because he's done it before, he's what I like to call a runner, when the going gets tough, or he sees something better, he runs away, or after it. He's already done this before? He's s rolling stone.. He's not a man, he needs to grow the **** up.
This guy is trying to get in where he fits in with you and that "we will see what happens"
That's something YOU should be saying when he finally comes back begging.
Um what?! Nooo honey,
you've chosen your path, you stay on it.
He's trying to string you along just in case it doesn't work out with his other lady.
I can't believe that 4 weeks of "promises" would result to another leaving there family. And for what? I don't know what sort of problems you guys have to make him want to leave, but why lie about it right before he goes?
And what now, is he going to play house with her kids and leave yours confused?
They always say the grass is greener on the other side but they forget to tell you that there's more shit over there too. Watch your steps.
And if and when he tries to come back, I think you should let him know that He's made his bed, he needs to lie in it.
Best of luck to ya hun! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 1:19:52 AM | It happened to me once a few years ago. I found out at 3am one night and at 8am, I had a UHaul. It hurts...bad! However, I believe that some people are able to cheat and not think twice, while others are simply not cheaters. I luckily found out which one he was before we were married. My thoughts at the time were: Why is he agreeing to stop? He got caught! I am sure he had no intention of stopping while the fun was still on. He was not stopping because he felt it was wrong on his own. Why was he sorry? He probably was sorry that he did it, but I felt like he was sorry that he got caught. If it bothered him so much while it was going on, he would have stopped before getting caught. This is going to sound horrible, but I also thought that if I show him that I will just get mad and then a few months later everything is okay, then what is going to stop him from doing it again? I think a lot of people get caught up in that.
Basically, it really is about him and not you. You can forgive, but don't ever forget!
Nice that he wants to keep the option open so that he can return when he is done playing ...If I were you, I'd slam it in his face. You really have to consider what all he is exposing you to, also. In this day and time, he is risking your health because he wants to play around. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:08:43 AM |
My H walked out on me and our 5 year old twins at the begining of this year for a co-worker of his who is a single mom. We were together 6.5 years, and it was a good 6.5 years.
I got the cell phone bill two weeks after he bailed and he had been calling her since December 21 but over Christmas was sleeping with me, telling me how he loved me, and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, WTF, he told me he was "done" on January 21. How the hell can you walk out on your wife and kids and into some one else's bed after 4 weeks of phone calls?
I would like to think that he is having a midlife crisis and will eventually get his head out of his azz and wise up, but I don't know.
The downside is this seems to be his pattern, he left his first wife the same way when those kids were 2 and 4, I didn't know the truth about that until a week after he left me.
He says he dosen't want a serious relationship right now in his life, but don't close the door on us cause he may change his mind.
My daughter believes that her dad left our family to be a dad to that other little girl.
Do you think he will ever realize what he threw away and be remorseful? Could you forgive him if he truly was remorseful and give him another chance?
OP...sorry about your situation...
But a relationship ending is almost always a two-way street...
And is rarely the result of a single affair (otherwise most relationships would be over quickly)
You need to seek counseling for your family...and individual counseling for yourself,IMHO.
Dealing w/ what has happened and learning some of reasons about why it did may help you and your kids in moving beyond this situation and getting ready for the rest of your lives...
Forgiveness is similair to hate...It really only matters to you
Good Luck | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:05:27 AM | When someone walks out on family, it's the ultimate betrayal, whatever the supposed reason they have for doing it. They become a homewrecker and will always be that........I wish I had seen it that way BEFORE I gave her a second chance.  | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 8:53:31 AM | We didn't have any problems, no fighting, arguing etc.
The issues were that HE can't handle stress, and at the time HE chose to start is affair, our son was recently diagnosed with ADHD/ODD dealing with him is no picnic, my H was up (and still is) on voyeurism charges, and we just borrowed money to retain the lawyer, HE could not deal with this so HE ran away.
Now he lives with her and her kid, in an ant infested leaky roof duplex, it still dosent change the fact that HE has a trial coming up for his charges, and our son has ADHD. He thinks he can just run away from here and leave all his troubles behind???? NOT
I can tell you why it happened, because he is a immature coward. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 9:19:09 AM |
Do some google research keyword "why partners cheat".
Without turning to Google, I can hazard a guess at a lot of "reasons" that people cheat. The point is not the CAUSE or the WHY...no matter the REASON, it is still WRONG.
I have empathy for the pain this causes...and have actually been on all sides of this situation. When I was a young, dumb, married teenager...my husband screwed everything in a skirt. I finally resorted to the "eye for an eye" mentality (foolishly!) and had my own little affair! It solved NOTHING and did not make me feel ANY better. All it taught me was, that "once a cheater, always a cheater" is NOT TRUE, because I would NEVER cheat on someone now. I wish I would have handled things differently...and I learned, if you have enough problems to where you are even considering it...you either FIX THEM, or you GET OUT. Plain and simple. I could easily conform to your ideas...that my husband was equally to blame...had he not cheated, I would not have. But whilst it may ring true to some degree...it does not make me the better person and does not excuse the behavior.
And OP...your above post STILL sounds like you are somehow excusing his behavior...I am sorry, but you are citing all of the reasons...he cannot deal, he is running away, he is stressed, blah, blah, blah! When all this stuff came down on him, was this other woman just waiting in the wings for him?! No...he had to have sought her out sometime, and my guess it was prior to his "problems" and "issues." He is a classic "grass is greener on every side but the one I am on" mentality!
I don't know the law as a lawyer would...but I would imagine since you are NOT divorced, and probably not even legally seperated...that you have NO LEGAL OBLIGATION to allow your children to be exposed to all the stuff you mention. Refuse to let him take the kids to HER house. He can see his children on YOUR terms...and not where they are exposed to poor living conditions, emotional drama, etc. You not only have RIGHTS...you have RESPONSIBILITIES as the mother. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 9:22:42 AM | OP I get a picture of you and that is one of strength. You are going to survive his betrayal and emerge even stronger. Please remember what I said about being a class act as you pick up the pieces, and don't beat yourself up anymore. Focus on your children and NEVER say a bad word about their father to them...some day they will figure it out on their own. Your husband and mine are both on a path of self-destruction. It's not like they weren't warned! I must admit that I am not one of those who can either forgive or forget. And I do not wish him well. Not after what he put me through. But I do silently thank him for leaving...every day!!!! Some day you will reach that point too. It just takes time. I leave you with a quote which is on my fridge and that I look at often:
WHATEVER KARMA I CREATE, WHETHER GOOD OR EVIL...THAT I SHALL INHERIT....Buddha.
Your husband is now getting a crash course in Karma! Good luck! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 9:57:50 AM |
And OP...your above post STILL sounds like you are somehow excusing his behavior..
Not excusing it , if that is how it came across not what I meant, I was trying to show that instead of discussing his issues or fears or whatever they may be, he chose to turn to run to another woman. Just trying to show that I in no way pushed him to it, if that was my intention I would not have borrowed the money from my family for his legal fees, I would not have laid awake tossing and turning about it. I would not have paid his child support for his first two kids when he was unemployed for a month last summer. (why did I do this, because I did not want his older kids to go without because their father screwed up).
I was there for him, he CHOSE to pull away, and not deal with it.
In Canada there is no such thing as a "legal seperation" we must be seperated for one one year before we can file for divorce.
I can not legally keep him from seeing the kids, but I can stipulate when and where, which I have made very clear to him.
My kids are my first priority.
Bottom line is if he chose to not work the issues out with me or himself, he could have MOVED out BEFORE SCREWING AROUND! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 10:51:34 AM |
Curlygirl- seriously....I'm really sorry, but for some reason, you don't get the point of all of my posts and what I have written through out..
Missmelly- I dont get the point and I probably never will. I can read
a million articles on the subject and never understand cheating.
I respect your thoughts here- I hope you understand mine. I lost everything
because of cheating to the point I had to come back home. Im not looking for
anything other than to tell people that cheating, for a while can ruin peoples lives.
But just for a while. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 5/31/2008 12:30:37 PM | | Absolutely not! Problem is once you have found out that tey are having an affair an element of trust goes. Trust in eachother is a big piece of a relationship. Can be difficult to make someone see that you DO actually turst them. Talking from personal experience here ir gets very upseting when they really dont belive that you trust them when you do. does that make sence? Although my experience is not over an affair i have to say. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:27:00 AM |
there are always 2 sides to every story and neither of them is right or wrong.
hmmm..actually, three sides, hers, his, and the truth, as Kimbo has said before..
when humans are fiercely attatched to being right....the truth may never be discovered.
and, as RJay said...you can forgive, but it doesn't mean you must live with that person.
I find that I must forgive any wrongdoings towards me, and then create healthier boundaries, in order to move on, but that might not work for everyone
have a good day people
```````` "kimbo ````````````````````````````````` | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:05:21 AM | No I couldn't and I wouldn't.
I wouldn't hold a grudge, but I would never see that person in the same light. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:14:29 AM |
Did her husband ever try and get help?.
No he did not. He mentioned a few times he would like to go to AA but when it came down to it he never did anything about it, I told him if he wanted I would be more more than willing to go with him to support him, I found the number for him, and told him to make the call. When he didn't do it I offered to make the call and he changed his mind.
I asked him several times if he felt he had issues from his childhood that he needed to deal with and he said "I'm sure I do, but I don't want to"
His best friend of 30 years handed him a card for counsellor that the friend had been to and highly recommended and my husband threw the card at his friend and told him to "f__off and mind his own business"
He certainly would have had the support he needed had he decided to get help. | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:06:18 AM | You need to check this page in reference to "He's a Pigeon" quote.
http://www.birdingguide.com/bird_families/pigeons.htm
As for forgiving an affair, not sure I could. I'm a Leo and as that goes I am loyal and would never cheat on anyone. Emotions run extremely deep for us lions and to feel betrayed is an extreme emotion that would be hard to let go. Once you have put your trust into someone and had it broken is near to impossible to forget. As a child of God, I find it easy to forgive, but to forget, I just don't know if my faith is so strong that I could forget about it and move forward in the relationship.
To error is human, to forgive is divine. Don't remember there being anything said about forgetting.
Scuba
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:17:30 AM |
I have asked my counsellor over and over what did I do wrong in this relationship and you know what her answer is...... "You overfunctioned and loved unconditionally" So if I over-functioned by doing it all for him and in essence enabling him, then shame on me, still no reason to have an affair and throw away your marriage.
Whether or not it was a reason, it still happened and you seem to hear that you had a part in it, but refuse to take ownership in that.
No, you didn't make the move to start an affair, that was his action, but your enabling was your part in the breakdown.
The "breakdown".... not the affair. That was his choice.....
But we're all responsible in some way when things fall apart. Our part might not be the big slap in the face, such as an affair, but we have to figure out what we did so we don't do it again with the next one! | |
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| Could you ever forgive an affair
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:05:01 AM | First, I think a lot of people are conflating cheating with an affair. Cheating can be anything from kissing a stranger in a bar once, to having sex with some person. I personally don't agree with cheating, but depending on the circumstances, how honest the person was about it, it might be forgivable and something that's workable in the future. An affair on the other hand, is a pattern of cheating and emotional investment in a person who is not your partner. That's almost never forgivable, because it's long term and basically having a second relationship while still engaged in the first.
I think it's ok to forgive minor cheating, especially if the other party is apologetic and forthright, and there's nothing to indicate it would ever happen again.
On the other hand, my ex-fiancee cheated on me multiple times with the same guy, and the day I found out is the day I blocked her phone number and didn't talk to her again.
OP, this guy doesn't deserve a second chance. You'll have to be cordial for your childrens' sake, but there's nothing to show remorse on his part or any reason you should ever trust him again. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you're much better off in the long run!
And infidelity is a great way in many states to get extra alimony too, so there is a silver lining :) | |
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