| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/8/2008 7:07:07 AM | I agree with everyone is different. I believe you just have to get to know the person. By judging a person based on single/divorced, you are limiting yourself to meeting what could be a wonderful person to you. After knowing an individual, you can see who they are and deal with any issues that arise. I guess that old expression "Someone's junk is another's treasure"!
Isn't it all about what makes you happy? | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/8/2008 11:57:00 PM | Taking the factors separately, and in a vaccuum, my own preference would be never married, and no children.
Divorced people often, though not always, have unresolved issues from the previous marriage, and spouse. Then there is the matter of their not being able to sustain the marital bond.
This is absolutely not to say that all divorced people have defects or serious baggage, although that is not unheard of. I do not need any drama relating to ex-spouses, in-laws, kids, prison records, mental health issues, or any related complications.
Children are not baggage, but to a never married, childfree person, such as myself, involvement with raising another man's children, is not high on my priority list.
If casual dating was the goal, then divorce would be a less critical factor, than it is in seeking long term. We can tolerate things short term, that would not be acceptable in the long run.
I understand, that many divorced women would say no to a never married man. But I can live with that.
I have dated a few divorced women, and the experience was somehow less than fully satisfactory. But that is not a universal expectation. Could I accept it now? A loud, definite maybe.
Lives do not exist in a vaccuum. There are always complicating, contradictory, and mitigating factors. No two situations, nor no two people, are exactly the same.
In each unique case, it is best to carefully weigh and evaluate all of the relevant factors, before reaching any conclusions.
Bottom line:
Prefer never married and no kids, but flexible, if warranted. | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/9/2008 12:11:13 AM | I don't really care about divorced or never married as long as the divorce isn't still in the process of happening! I've never been married. Maybe that means I'm scared. Or maybe I made the right decision a couple of times.
Personally I prefer a man with kids because people with kids are different than people without kids, and speaking for myself, I became a more interesting, compassionate, confident person after my son was born, so I'd never hold that against a man. Plus, it's a very good sign if a man is close to his kids. | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/9/2008 3:54:11 AM |
Plus, it's a very good sign if a man is close to his kids.
It's also a very good sign if a man has clear control over his kids yet they aren't afraid of him.
I have a friend from work that I cringe at the thought of spending time with if he has his 2 year old. He has absolutely no control over the child and he is a nightmare to be around. The horror stories he tells us about the things his son does (tearing apart the kitchen, dumping cat litter into the toilet and everywhere else, etc) made me extremely observant of what the boyfriends kids might do when we're not looking.
The boyfriends 2 year old is so much different (and so is the 12 year old). They respond to orders and don't get into much trouble. They don't throw tantrums and they know how to communicate. It's obvious they love him because when it's time to see him they are excited and the other weekend when we ended up keeping them for half a day longer than planned the 12 year old exclaimed "yes!". | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/9/2008 7:27:04 AM | Personally I would have to say the best rule is to judge on a case by case basis.
Marriages end for a variety of reasons. And folks remain single for a variety as well.
One problem which folks have put forth more eloquently than me is, they are all just labels. | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/9/2008 10:14:07 AM | I have to admit that when I first started looking I was very judgemental over the whole married/single issue!
If they had never been married I questioned the factor of being afriad of commitment or what was wrong that they were never married.
If they were divorced I found myself questioning what happened that they were divorced.
Now, however, I can tell you that I have opened a whole new concept! You need to get to know te person to decide why their life is the way it is or why they made the choices they did.
People get divorced for a number of reasons, cheeting spouses, abuse, and many others. It doesn't mean that they were the ones at fault. So you have to get to know them to be able to relate.
Those that are single may not be single because of fear of commitment, but possibly because they did not find the right person, they worked on their career first and are now ready to add to that, and again, many other reasons.
You can't judge based on single/divorsed. You have to be open and find what makes both of you happy, let the past go. | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/10/2008 4:53:15 AM | | I have dated both.. & dont compare that one is better than the other. It depends on the person. I have no children, but realizing that many men do,, it doesnt really bother me one way or the other. Altho to be honest if they were 18+ yrs that would be better. Most guys this age are becoming grandpas & thats more fun! | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/10/2008 6:26:55 AM | Wow, interesting thread....I have known guys in their 30s not married for several reasons....not finding the right woman, being hung up on a specific woman that they never got over, nobody wants them, they would prefer to play around, and even some with health problems. And that excludes the gay ones
I am surprised that some of the divorced people have automatically passed on "never been married"....I am still not sure where that comes from though....it doesnt make a lot of sense to me except for maybe worrying about being judged.... | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/10/2008 8:01:19 AM | Hey there,
I think it all boils down to the individual. Some people who divorced may realize they made a mistake with the marriage, in which case they have learned from it. At least it shows, to a certain extent, that they were able to commit to someone.
As for having few relationships, I too fall into that category. In my 20s, I was more interested in getting my career set up, travelling and finishing up grad school. I didn't start thinking seriously about relationships until a few years ago. Sure, people make mistakes, but can they learn from them is the issue.
Let me leave you with two thoughts:
1. Everyone has baggage - it can either weigh you down or make you stronger - as long as you carry it successfully.
2. You don't have to bite the donut to know that it's sweet. Just because someone's had a lot of relationships, doesn't mean they know what they're doing. For all we know, they may have been doing the same (wrong) thing all this time.
Helen. | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/10/2008 8:23:42 AM | Depends on the reasons for never being married vs. the quality of a past marriage.
I'd rather date a never been married guy than a man who's been married and broken financially, emotionally, etc by a terrible marriage.
On the other hand, I'd date a previously married guy who had a great marriage and a mutual breakup who is on pleasant terms with the ex than a guy who's never been married because of some personal issue.
It totally depends on the person and the circumstances. | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/11/2008 9:21:07 PM | I don't know. I'd be really leary of a man that's never been married.
It would also depend on his age. If he is older, he's probably set in his ways.
If Divorced people are single too long they also could be set in their ways too.
I know that because it's been 10 yrs. since my divorce and 4 yrs.
without a serious relationship, I am getting set in my ways big time!!
That is just my opinon.
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/12/2008 1:03:36 AM |
If the perfect person was to walk into your life and be open to dating you and you had your choice between whether he or she was divorced or never married. What camp would you fall into? Remember, they are "perfect" for you in the sense they have NO/ZERO deficiencies...be it alimony, bitterness, lack of enough experience in long term relationships, etc. Behind the door on the left is Ms Right with no marriage in her past, on the right is Ms Right with a divorce in her past; which door to do open to chat with Ms Right?
When you put it that way, what will make me choose a divorced person over a never married one? Of course I would go for unmarried.
Many people have long meaningful relationships even if they stayed single. Some even cohabit even without marriage. They're just smart enough to avoid signing away their lives too easily.
Also, personally, I would love to discover married life and raising kids together with both of us learning at the same time. | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/18/2008 11:52:57 AM |
Personally I would have to say the best rule is to judge on a case by case basis.
Exactly. I've known guys in both camps... some have their shyt together and others don't...I will always choose the one who does.  | |
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| Divorced or Never Married...Which is Better?
Posted: 11/18/2008 1:11:47 PM | I read an article that most women prefer a guy who was already married. At least he undertands what a commitment (unless he cheated left, right and center) is and has spent some part of his life living with someone, running a household, etc.
A never married guy (person) over a single age gets perceived as the consumate bachelor or set in their ways. Even in an LTR, they have not necessarily had the same experiences as someone who was married for several years.
I think I would prefer a guy who was divorced, but not recently divorced, even though it may make it difficult to get married to him in certain churches. Since i've never been married, and many many men my age have been, why not tap into that experience - assuming the marriage was good for much of the time.
I've never been married and I may be set in my ways. lol There are certain ways I like things and how I like my mornings to go - both weekday and weekend. | |
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