| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 5/30/2008 9:41:01 PM | Sometimes life isn't fair and you get what you deserve.
What happens depends on your heart.
My best friend is a woman I am not physically attracted to, but I love her to death and would do anything for her as she has done for me.
If you blow this guy off as suggested by the rest of the lonely people here... I believe you will regret it. True friends are a rarity and you should embrace him if you are stimulated intellectually by him. Just make it clear what you expect and define where the line is drawn. If he is mature enough, he will accept the situation and you two can now enjoy something you both probably need.
BTW, a" Dear John" letter is about as cowardly of an act as a person can do to another human being. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 5/31/2008 6:45:04 AM | Thanks again guys for all of your input and to the ones who just posted without reading my replies and what the true scenario is, you might want to read up before you reply next time.
We have been discussing this and I am dismayed as to his reaction.
Evidently he is not quite what I thought he was.
He has now turned this into something I could never have imagined.
He has become very arrogant and self serving.
His reasoning is that because I am not physically attracted to him there is something wrong with me.
I have "issues" and will never find somone that I am attracted to that has his "spirit and kindness". That men like that don't exist.
I told him right out that was a very arrogant attitude.
I don't think we can even be friends at this point. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:16:24 AM | I'm attracted to ALL men, unless they are unclean, have boogers sticking to their nose, use their pinkie to clean out ear wax, loudly clear their sinuses in polite company or things like that. So I don't get all this bit about no physical attraction. I will say, if someone doesn't put the moves on me, or at least smile with a twinkle in their eye, I don't feel "chemistry" because no chemistry is coming AT me, so we let it drop.
Sorry things didn't work out for "just friends" with your guy pal, 79 Z, but a lot of people take rejection extremely hard. He had laid his feelings on the line (he had made it very clear he wanted the whole 9 yards) and you said thanks but no thanks. All the nastiness that followed was just his defense mechanisms to prop up his wounded ego. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 5/31/2008 7:36:45 AM | Let him down nicely and set the guy free ... its best for him and you
...  | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 5/31/2008 8:54:00 AM | Hmmm! Maybe the Universe does work in mysterious ways after all!
Don't ya just love it when you dodge a bullet?
Makes you feel alive and somehow cared for!
I'm glad for you!
Many, many years ago, I came to the conclusion, that I would never
Marry someone until I got into a really good fight with them! That's
when you know who you are dealing with! | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:25:15 AM | A little different twist. I met a woman on-line. Looked at her picture here on POF. I hate to admit it, but since she is not here anymore, I feel safe in saying this...I was not that attracted to her based on her picture. She was what I'd say, "just OK looking"
Not even a woman I'd turn my head for if passing on the street. But we communicated via e-mails, instant messages and hours upon hours on the phone. The more I talked to her, the more I was feeling love for her. The more love I felt for her, the more beautiful her picture became. (I'm serious)
It was 4 months before we could meet face to face since there was 1,200 miles between us. So on that day, with both if us scared to death that the chemistry might not be there once we meet...and we had talked about that as a possibility, I laid my eyes on what by then was physically the most beautiful woman in the world to me. I was hooked and in love.
After 2 years, she called it quits... it did not work out for her;
Thus, back in the pond.
So now do I see her as the most beautiful woman in the world? No.... But she still looks better then her picture ever did before. I think emotions can actually make someone more attractive to your eyes... given time for those deep feelings to build. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:13:12 AM |
Tiz no cruel joke. Tiz life. What is a cruel joke is the BS re emotional bonding, soul mates, etc, when 80% of the issue is physical attraction! Oh how shallow we men are ...... to believe the BS!!! lol lol
Animal magnetism. Just like The Scorpions! lol I am tending to agree with what *nicksummer08* stated above. Shallow? No, I don't believe so. I HAVE to be physically attracted. If I'm not, then that would be someone I would put in the category of "friend zone".
BUT, there must be an intellectual attraction also. I don't have a percentage formula on what would be considered a jumping off point though. All I know, for myself all of it has to combine. But "physical attraction" is very important to me and not to some others. Just sayin'.
Now, *Jim* above says, he was more attracted to the woman after he met her. At first not being attracted to her pictures. And found himself more being drawn to her after holding numerous conversations with her prior to meeting. But was moreso when he met her and saw that she was indeed more attractive than her pictures, or to him she was more attractive.
This kinda happened to me. BUT, had I not been physically attracted to the man upon meeting in addition to his intellect and personality......then it would be, like I said above, "friend zone". And no amount of intellect or personality would have made me physically attracted to him had I not been upon meeting. Just sayin' again.
*Nick.......another new screen name? I can't keep up with your ever evolving monikers. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:04:00 AM | | 79 Z 28 I think you handled it well. I hope he wasn't too hurt. But I know just how you feel because that's happened to me a couple of times. Its a huge bummer when it does. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:24:39 AM | Well, OP, it sounds like he was putting on a good show for you. He was able to turn off the "charm" awfully fast, wasn't he? Now he's behaving in a borderline abusive manner. (it's all your fault, you are crazy, you have issues, you'll never be able to do better than me are all standard lines that abusers use. Abusers are also very able to charm your socks off at first, but they do an instant 180 if you tell them something they don't want to hear.) So maybe this is a good thing, him showing his true colors this way.
"that men like that don't exist!" Well at least he admits that he was faking his whole personna. Since men like that don't exist, and all.
Maybe it wasn't physical attraction you weren't feeling for this guy, but something deeper that your 6th sense was telling you. You yourself said you go out with geeky guys who aren't always that great looking...so maybe there was more to this than just a lack of physical attraction. Your gut knew something was "ugly" about him, but maybe it wasn't his looks!
Actually, I wouldn't argue with him anymore at this point, if he keeps it up, it may be time to block him. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/2/2008 10:51:27 AM | MSG 57
That is a fact, that being in love makes a person more attractive physically
in ones eyes!
I remember an endearing story about an aged man and his aged partner.
He proudly pulled out a very old photograph of the woman, very pretty and
youthful! In his mind, that's still the way she looked! | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:26:59 PM | plasticsturgeon .. I was shocked to see what you wrote cause you seem down to earth in your post but I guess your right hun ... I guess just dont like to fight so I couldnt see what you were saying at first ...
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| I don't want to hurt him but what else can I do but break it off?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:06:17 AM | When he calls you, just don't answer the telly --
I know when I call a female and she never picks up dee phone , that tells me right there that she don't wanna be bothered by me- so i just back off and floats away into the sunset ...I wonder if i need a hair cut??--
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Young lady, you have beautiful long hair. You will learn in life "never let a man tell you what to do unless you are desperate, or he just did what you told him to". Never change for no man, unless you want to and know why. Even better than letting the phone ring and not answering it is to answer it, but don't say anything, then hang up if "it's him or her". That will send a message! | |
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| I don't want to hurt him but what else can I do but break it off?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:47:51 AM |
We have been discussing this and I am dismayed as to his reaction.
Evidently he is not quite what I thought he was.
He has now turned this into something I could never have imagined.
He has become very arrogant and self serving.
His reasoning is that because I am not physically attracted to him there is something wrong with me.
I have "issues" and will never find somone that I am attracted to that has his "spirit and kindness". That men like that don't exist.
I told him right out that was a very arrogant attitude.
I don't think we can even be friends at this point.
So lets see....
He felt rejected and his arrogance is probably a self defense mechanism that he uses
Of course he is going to attack you with the guilt trip of "It's your fault" .
All I can say is, its too bad for the both of you... All you can do now is move on.  | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:05:48 PM | Dont break it off have it surgically removed   
EDIT: Msg 51: oh yes believing in the best friend is a woman line - not! (not many women do believe that one). | |
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| I don't want to hurt him but what else can I do but break it off?
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:08:50 PM | | OP He got defensive because he was hurt. He's not a Saint.........just....as you said originally ...a nice guy. You cant expect to go through life with anyone and expect not to have some diagreement or tiff. But,that's your out so go for it............... Shame though... | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:25:50 PM | Tell him you want to get married right away. Demand it as in Right Now!
You want to stay at home and have lots of babies while he works.
Then cut off all sex.
Tell him you want your mother to come live with you too.
See him run for the hills ASAP.
Problem solved.
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:15:01 PM | | This thread was truly amazing to me. This woman joined POF, met a man went out one or two times. Had no chemistry, but thought he was "amazing", decided to bail on future dates due to lack of chemistry. Then got on here, got the sympathy vote, and then when told "let him down easy" if he is so amazing. She does a "see ya" email, then mister wonderful becomes "arrogant and self serving". BUT there is nothing wrong with the OP in all this. Finally it ALL happened inside of TWO WEEKS, and the OP has "left the building", profile down and gone. Post mortem: everyone supported and praised the OP for being caring, understanding her need for chemistry, and even agreeing he was not all he seemed after he got upset. Many men, and I mean many men use anger as a way of hiding the hurt and pain. Women cry, sit home and think through what went wrong, men were never taught to deal with their emotions as well as women. Most of you know this and have seen it other times. This man met a woman, had conversations, that she participated in, encouraged him in, probably flirted with him in. Then dates him twice and instead of saying on first date "sorry dude nothing there" she waits and he is thinking "things are going great". Then gets slammed from behind and by email no less. Just one last question from my mind, if we substitute he for she and make the OP a man would the reactions have been the same? Or would the 20 or so women posters have said "Shallow a$$hole, wasn't her body up to your standards" Just a thought people, Bob | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:30:16 PM |
I've done this. For future reference.
Become a matchmaker. Be his friend, find him someone that would make a great match for him. Tell HER about him first, get her ok, THEN tell HIM about her, ask if you could call him later. THEN call on a three way with her first, then him. Introduce them to each other, explain this is where they get to trade phone numbers before you hang up because they may get disconnected.
Worked wonders. A little weird, but think of it as a public service.
You haven't exactly rejected him, you simply passed him down the line.
I am soooooo bad!
Waiting for karma lighting to strike!
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:53:39 PM | I've always been of the opinion that if you like someone enough, you will find something about them attractive....
I've dated men that, at first, I did not find physically appealing... but something about them, charisma, their eyes, the way they walked... whatever it was, it was something unique to them and had very good relationships with them. They didn't turn into the whole kit and caboodle... but they were deep, meaningful, compassionate and intelligent relationships... BTW, personally I find intelligence a much greater turn on than any physical presence.
I would advise... see if he has something you do find appealing and focus on that... in time, he will be the most desirable person you could meet... but if you can't do that, then do let him go.
But, if you aren't that into him, then you should say so ... If he's that wonderful, send him my way ;) .... but at least if he's free, he has a chance to meet someone who does appreciate him for who he is, looks and all...
One thing.... when we all get old and grey, you better darn well hope that you chose someone you like and get along with... because if it is all about appearance and you don't like that person... you'll be screwed if you don't like them at all and have nothing in common and they got ugly... which does appear to be a common factor for many people divorcing once the kids have left home. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:38:06 AM | | You should be honest with him and tell him you are just not physically attracted to him. He deserves a chance to find someone who is willing to get to know him and grow to become attracted to him. You are not that person who wants to take the time to become attracted to someone. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/6/2008 1:28:32 PM | I'm trying hard to understand this 'stick around with someone long enough and you'll get attracted to them' attitude that so many people seem to have.
I have a few male friends who are really nice, caring, wonderful people, some of them even quite good looking, and some of whom I've known for years. And I've never been the slightest bit attracted to them no matter how long I've known them even though I love them dearly as friends.
I agree it's true that you can learn to love someone as you get to know them, and as you get to know people looks mean less and less. But it doesn't necessarily follow that as you get to know people you'll get attracted to them.
Or am I misunderstanding these posts maybe? | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:19:24 PM | | If you are not into him then that is ok; you are acting like you are the only one on earth this has happened too. Most people have this experience one time or another in life. Keep him as a friend and move on. | |
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| Is this a cruel joke????
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:31:56 PM | I read somewhere that "Attraction isn't a choice" so don't beat yourself up over it.
My guess is that this guy really didn't have the type of personality you are attracted to and your gut told you that. Besides he sounds like a wussy. | |
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