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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:30:56 AM |
No comment here on your actions, but your assumption that girls invite abuse is made in ignorance. Get a clue!
No, YOU need to get a clue! There are endless ways for a woman to get out of an abusive situation, and if she's got children, she can take them with her. Humans have free will. If a woman is capable of leaving a good guy, she's more than capable of leaving a mean one. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:36:59 AM | First, I have to say its brave of you to put yourself up to criticism.
You gotta watch those "old" guys, he was 45, he probably couldnt even lift his arm to hit someone (Im 47).
The girls arms are folded, she has a distressed look on her face, hes groping her and has a look of disgust on her face. sounds like she wanted some help.
After reading your post the first thing that came to mind was to stop and ask for directions to somewhere, just to get a read on the situation, that would let the old guy know someone was watching, but you've gotta do something.
Never let a call from help go unanswered, sure he could have had a gun but if the situation got out of hand you were in your car. If it was just a drunk guy groping a girl you could have prevented the situation from getting worse. You look like you could handle your self, dont be afraid to get involved | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:48:44 AM |
No, YOU need to get a clue! There are endless ways for a woman to get out of an abusive situation, and if she's got children, she can take them with her. Humans have free will. If a woman is capable of leaving a good guy, she's more than capable of leaving a mean one.
I do have a clue, having been in an abusive relationship. Yes, I got out - after broken bones, hospitalization, etc. That was many years ago, when police were still turning a blind eye to spousal abuse.
However, no, I was not capable of leaving. I was married to the abuser, and it never occurred to me that I was being "abused" till someone handed me a clue that I didn't deserve to be treated like that. Sometimes, that's all the abused person needs to be able to escape the abuse. Sometimes they need more help.
So, no, there are not endless ways to get out of the situation, especially if there are kids involved. A lot of abused people are spouses, relying on their abuser for financial support. A lot of abused people are women, with no other skills than being a wife and mother. A lot of abused people just slip through the cracks because nobody wants to take the chance and be the person to help the abused.
Abuse is not usually about violence, it's often about anger, jealousy, or any of hundreds of emotional responses. And it's ALWAYS about control.
Clue passed on. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 8:54:08 AM | I'm sorry but you had enough time to post this thread about what happened, but you were too busy to at least honk your horn and get the ***holes attention? Sometimes that's all it takes to make people think twice when they are acting inappropiately towards someone else. The distraction is something that might have given her enough time to bolt which is what I would do in that situation. You'll never know what was going on there, but obviously she could have used a little help- you could have at least stayed in the comfort of your car and called 911 and then left to take care of your errands- you would have hardly missed a beat... wouldn't knowing you did something be better than sitting here now and feeling like you should have?
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:05:44 AM | IngeniousoQuixote I don't think you did anything wrong either, there are far too many dial-happy people that will call the cops for the slightest bit of bickering... 
The girl has a distressed look on her face and I can see that shes looking in my direction, of course I don't know what is happening exactly, so I get in my car and I drive by real slow, at which point I notice the old guy is trying to put his hands all over the girl and she is pushing him away in disgust while looking at me (like she wants me to do something).
As usual the POF forums seem to be so gender-biased I'm not surprised a single person in this thread hasn't asked the blatantly obvious million dollar question:
If she was looking at him pleadingly, did it ever occur to her to ASK for help while he was obviously driving by slowly and looking at her?
Is she a deaf-mute for Christ's Sakes?! If she is indeed looking for rescue, you would think she'd at least have the brains to call out to someone that she's making direct eye contact with rather than play the telepathy game... 
You may not be a hero OP, but nor are you some gutless villain as some of the posters have been ragging on you. She wasn't being assaulted, though she may have been accosted, but if she's sitting IN her car and the guy is reaching in, she could also quite easily drive forward and drag his skeezer a$$ down the street with him... People tend to get slippery and eventually squishy while speeding away at 40 kph...   | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:12:47 AM | | Alas in th US with your gun culture you need to be careful, I myself have here in the UK intervened in such instances and have helped the person involved out.. mind you its not just young ladies i step in to help, its also the elderly and anyone that is outnumbered.. I am in no way a trouble maker or Hard man, but i find if a Stranger appears and observes at first to see what the trouble is then the aggressor or molester or even dirty old man will think twice if there is a witness. I have also found if one person steps in, one or two others will step in and lend a hand.. thats my opinion, but if the situation is dangerous i will then call the police and observe at distance till they turn up. Don't beat yourself up about it as unfortunately thats the world today.. And worrying about it afterwards and trying make up excuses that it cud have been father and daughter is just a cop out as it doesn't matter if it was.. He has no right to either touch or molest his "daughter"... would you stand by and let your father molest or touch your sister in any way.. I think not... | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:20:38 AM | Well... seeing as I have done it before, it is very likely I would do it again. How I would go about it though depends on a number of things...
Am I with someone I need to be concerned about gettting hurt?
How well can I asses the situation before approaching, ie listening to the content of yelling, etc
Is she trying to get away/fight back?
Has she asked for help? Verbally or otherwise?
What is he actually doing? ie holding firmly by the arm as opposed to striking her as opposed to fondling etc
Establish if he has a weapon, and if so, what that weapon is were possible
How many are involved?
Does it appear drug or gang related?
When I see something happening answers to all these questions come after only a small part of a second. Then I take whatever action seems most appropriate... any were from calling the cops and providing a play by play on the phone untill they get there to approaching and getting involved... to whatever level then becomes necessary.
Not everyone is comfortable and or capable of approaching... although good alternatives have been mentioned, ie calling out from your car. These people should also be on the phone to the cops as fast as they can do so safely.
Yes, I know, waiting on the cops means she is in very serios trouble because they will take forever... but at least you have done what was within your capability to do.
If everyone got involved within thier limits, I think many neighborhoods would be a much better place to live.
But then.. I will not stand idly by and watch a lady be harmed. Regardless of what "reason" the assaulter has for doing so. And yes, you had better watch your back, becasue it is not the first time the "lady in distress" will attack you for helping her out.
It aint easy... but it is the right thing to do.
T_M | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 9:47:09 AM | It sucks--sometimes, when you help, the girl turns on you for attacking her old man. Sorry to say how many women get themselves into relationships like this.
Best to just call a cop--its their job. Or as another poster said, ask loudly, "Is everything OK?" calling attention to bullies sometimes is the last thing they want. Unfortunately, having her just look over isn't enough, it would have helped if she asked for help. But some women are taught not to raise a fuss.
As for why a father brings a daughter to a pool hall, or gropes her...welcome to the modern age :(
Its a tough situation, to be sure. Take a defense class, so you can feel more comfortable the next time...its gonna happen again :( I was in the situation once, except the woman dived in right behind me...and the guy came charging in. That was pretty easy to read then :) | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 10:31:59 AM | Just my 2 cents…
I’ve seen this happen several times and each time I stayed close enough to the people to hear what they were arguing about.
Sometimes, the argument was over nonsense and it was obviously just people venting. If so, time to move on.
However, sometimes it was pretty serious and I could hear that it was rapidly reaching critical mass. In that case, something has to be done before someone gets hurt.
I personally feel it is my responsibility to do something to try to keep someone from getting hurt. It could range from calling 911, alerting the store security, asking if everything is OK and sometimes a cold, icy stare long enough to make the guy feel self-conscious and check himself.
The point is that every situation is different. If you can get enough information to determine if someone is in danger, then you should do something. If you had a loved one in that situation, you would want someone to help them.
BTW, this also applies if you see someone mistreating the elderly. I have zero-tolerance for that. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 10:57:44 AM | OP if you got it wrong when intervening you could end up with the police getting involved and both of them witnessing against you! Unless the lady actually asked for help you did the right thing.
I had a friend who intervened when a man was slapping his girlfriend in the street and while he's talking to the man the g/f takes off one of her high heels and hits him in the face with it. I've heard that scenario happen a few times.
You never know what's happening or if the 'victim' would support you so I'd say you can't assume she wanted you to intervene - generally if a woman wants to avoid a man she'll move away from him really quickly and there'll be some loud objections.
My son wanted to intervene when he saw a couple arguing in the street (he was 15 at the time) and I had to tell him to put the 'hero' stuff away - it can really backfire if you don't know the facts. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:06:12 AM | OP I think if you really thought the gril was in danger you would have done something. I have in the past walked by or drove by and just asked the girl if everything was ok. One time the guy answered. I told him I wasn't talking to him and I looked at her. If she says she is ok then I move on, its no longer my business. One time I got between a girl and a guy that were about to get in a fight. I told him to go home and call her in the morning. Of course then he wanted to fight me. Luckily he was reasonable when I told him calmly "look she doesn't want to talk to you right now and your making yourself look bad. Go home sleep it off and call her tomorrow" He left and I ended up marrying her.
I don't like the advice of people saying to call the police. To many people stick their nose in other peoples business and call the police at the drop of a hat. I dated a woman when I was 23 and every time she yelled at me someone in the neighborhood called the police and I would have to leave, of course she usually came to meet me.
Fact is you didn't know the circumstances and maybe you can stop and ask next time but be sensible and don't get in a fight over it. Only call the police if she is in danger. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:20:35 AM | STORY 1
I knew a guy that was a former army ranger, knew multiple martial arts, a bouncer, he was a stuntman for movies and a general badass with a heart of gold.
Well this dude was in downtown Chicago, late at night getting into his car in a "secured" parking lot; he heard a woman screaming, a bunch of guys yelling. The former army ranger must have been bored, so he ran to see what it was. It was 3 guys raping a woman next to a car.
Being that he's former armed services, he thought he'd help. To make a long story short, they broke his neck and now 18 months later he's healed.
STORY 2
I once was stopped at a traffic light, it was a LONG light, eventually, with my windows open I hear some woman screaming at her kids. My friend and I looked over, and we saw a woman turned in her seat yelling at her kids in the back seat. She then drew her elbow back and was punching her kid in the face over and over again! It was shocking.
My friend and I went out, knocked on her window and shook our fingers at her. If we yelled at her, we would have looked like car jackers. She drove off through the red light.
STORY 3
When I was in HS, I hung out with lots of girls, cause the jocks didn't like me. I wasn't a playa, I was the guy everyone thought was gay... Anyway, one of the girls had a boyfriend that had a best friend. The best friend was big, fat and hairy. Every day at school he would give the girls hugs and do the "wrap around," you know where he would obviously grab the sides boobs.
Each and every day I would hear my friends complain to me, but no one ever said anything to the big fat guy. I got tired of hearing about it one day, so when I saw it and him do the wrap around and grab her boobs, I jumped across a table and yelled at him.
Well it caused quite a scene in our cafeteria, and even though I saved my school from a sexual harassment lawsuit, I was punnished for... disorderly conduct??? Jumping across a table and yelling at someone to keep his fat hands off of her.
It caused a big chain reaction of things that lasted a year and I won't get into. I was labeled a psycho for helping out so unexpectedly.
STORY 4
My uncle had jury duty for a man that saw a woman getting smacked around by her boyfriend outside of a bar. The man told the guy to stop smacking her. The guy wouldn't stop smacking her, cause he was drunk and oblivious, so the do gooder made him stop. First verbally, then physically. So they called the cops on the do gooder... leading to the trial.
No good deed goes unpunnished? | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:24:08 AM | | unless she is being raped or beaten to death I am all set.. I am a former marine and they all play games I am like all set on that on time I had a guy pull a gun out on me, so think before u do it... | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:32:23 AM | Actually, I remember hearing on the news about a series of crimes of nice guys here in Western Chicago being beaten up trying to help a woman from a jerk. Seriously. Some hot blonde would be outside a bar or a nightclub, and get hit on by some jerk that wouldn't leave her alone. Then some nice guy would come up ask the jerk to stop, then the nice guy would get beaten up.
It happened at 8 spots, and eventually an off duty cop and his off duty cop friends stopped the guy, the jerk punched the cop, then everyone got involved.
So the news piece had the arrest of the jerk and the girlfriend, who confessed that was their thing. That was their foreplay as a couple. She loved it when the jerk beat up other dudes. That turned her on. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:34:27 AM | | DAM...I hope the girl is ok and not dead !!!! I would of gone up to the girl and asked her if everything was ok... if she seemed nervous and said yes....I would of left and called 911...better safe than sorry !!!! | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 11:57:15 AM | | I would have alerted the police but I would have made sure they understood you are not sure if something is genuinely wrong but tell them the look on the girl's face was not the look of someone who was comfortable with the situation. I would have explained it to them pretty much as you have explained it to us. It's been my experience, if you're concerned about a possible bad scene happening and you identify yourself so they know you're not a crank caller, most law enforcement officers take the attitude of "better to be safe than sorry." Many years ago I saw a small boy walking on the sidewalk and there was a man in a car slowly driving along side talking to him. I didn't know if he was the kid's father (maybe marriage problems, etc) or if he was a kidnapper or what. I called the police, gave them the license number but explained I wasn't sure what the situation was but it just struck me as something out of the norm. I'll never know if I stuck my nose in someone's custody battle or saved a kid's life but I did what I thought was right and the police verified I did the right thing. I would have handled your situation the same way. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:16:58 PM | Too much crap happens these days, and you read about it the paper next day, and say "hey, I was there" Plus I believe in some States they have the good samaratin law.
Me, I'd make myself very visible, and keep an eye on what was happening.
If it were my daughters, I'd hope someone would to the same.(and if it is my daughters & I'm close by, your ass is grass, planted 6 ft deep) | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:21:32 PM | This is a hard call..
There have been times when I was a Biker that I kicked the shit out of men much bigger than I am for hitting or harassing a woman.. I had trained 5 yrs to fight and was very good at it..
But once when I did this to a man that had just hit a much smaller woman, she tried to hit me for beating up her boyfriend..
WTF?? She would let that punk slap her around and then try to protect him???
Most women don't appreciate a hero..
Still I think that I would have asked if the gal needed help.. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 12:45:47 PM | When I read your post, I was reminded of Kitty Genovese. Here is a quote from Wikipedia:
The attacks spanned approximately half an hour. During his last attack in the hallway, a neighbor just up the stairs opened the door and watched the attack without doing anything to stop the attacker.
Obviously because you felt bad, you know what the answer is already. With due respect to ex-marines, ex-rangers etc who are willing to wade in with a gung ho attitiude, a more subtle approach is the be a distraction. You had identified that something made you feel wary. However you really didn't have conclusive information about the interaction that was going on. You needed an innocuous method of insinuating yourself into the conversation in a non-threatening manner. Perhaps the expedient of asking for directions would allow you to diffuse the situation or at least gauge if something more precipitous was necessary. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 2:45:01 PM | That's close to what is known as Bystander Effect in psychology circles. I also think that most people who claim they'd do something, don't. It's not a situation most people have experience with or would know instantly what to do. It also doesn't help when the situation is ambiguous and it's not clear if there is imminent danger to a potential victim. Also, the type of response that is best is also unknown. So, the 'bystander' often does nothing but does ponder what to do.
In addition, any attempt to address the people is likely to receive derision and hostility. At least, it's probably a 50-50 chance which probably suggests most people would rather avoid that chance.
You have to tell yourself, psychologically, that it is worth it to risk these things and try to downplay any idea that you'd be provoking a bad situation or endangering your safety. Else, you'll just be watching and eventually leaving the situation talking to yourself whether you made the right decision and whether your intervention would have helped in some way or not. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:01:35 PM | Just an assumption, just a hooker looking for her next fix. And the guy is arguing how come the price has jumped up so much for a BJ, she arguing, because of the price of gas. Get it !!!!!
No one knows, assume all you want. Listen , I don't care if you carry a concealed weapon and can leap tall buildings in a single bound for all I care, just remember one thing your children are at home waiting for you, don't be the stupid hero.
And yet some of these people on here go home and spank their children, hmmmm!!!!
"If you have to take him down to help her", when the heck did everyone become superman on here.
When was the last time any of you have ever had a fight, never or more than likely except that fight in grade school and you held Mary and tried to kiss her, and she kicked the crap out of you.
That's all you need to do go and help her and she sticks you with a knife for messing up her drug deal....
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 3:39:39 PM | Having tended bar for many years, I've lost count of the number of times I've watched some poor guy step in to help a woman fighting with her boyfriend, only to have both the boyfriend and woman turn on him.
Also, here is a common ploy: a lady needs help. The guy comes to her aid. He gets jumped by the boyfriend, and/or a few other guys laying in wait. They rob him - if he's lucky. It was all a set-up.
One time, a lady approached me as I walked down the street. It was a bad neighborhood. She claimed she lived down a side street - said she'd just moved in and hadn't realized how bad that part of town was. She wondered if I'd walk her home - she was scared. When I hesitated, she began to flirt with me and hinted that if I would walk her home, I'd receive I nice, um, reward. I told her, no. I found out later, the next guy to come along, took her up on the offer. On the way to the lady's house, the guy was jumped by three of her pals, robbed, and beaten to death.
In any situation, it's best to quickly assess personal risk verses potential benefit to the apparent victim of a crime. Often, calling 911 is your best choice. You aren't gonna be providing much aid if you, yourself, get killed in the process. In the situation described in the Opening Post, I'd of done like another suggested: drive up and ask for directions, then reassess. | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:31:38 PM | you could've stopped and just said "hey! i thought that was you!!" then motion her to come over to "chat". give some kind of sign to the guy that someone was watching....
the biggest regret i had was not intervening in certain situations...i STILL think about one from last summer....i wonder what ever happened.... | |
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| would you help a girl in distress from another guy?
Posted: 5/29/2008 4:54:38 PM | | I was walking down the side walk coming from one bar going to another. I had only had 2 beers at this point. A man was slapping a woman on the top of the head while holding her face towards the ground by her hair. I kind of felt that it was unfair so I ran down, call to him and when he turned around to see me I caught him with a forarm. I was arrested because a police car was driving towards us while this was all happening. I explained it in court, the woman backed me up and no charges were pressed. In having 6 sisters, I would do it all over again. | |
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