| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:48:42 AM | hi,
I was married for a long time, and while I'm no expert on the lifestyle, I think I have an understanding of the dynamics. Yes, of course there are two people in a marriage, but it's never a perfect union because each person enters into the partnership with their own set of issues, history, etc.
Then along comes another person who easier to be with, either becuase they're not a full-time working mom or aren't dealing with the pressures that come with being married. So naturally it feels better to be with the other person. But it's really only smoke and mirrors. What I've discovered is that the person who cheats and claims that they're not GETTING enough out of the marriage is usually the partner who is not GIVING enough, either in emotional or financial support.
If, perhaps, you need to justify leaving your marriage for spurious reasons, please write on as much as you like.
For myself, I have no interest in a man who can't handle the pressures of the challening times. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:03:35 AM | wutznot2love
So let me ask you this, Luvs_2_Ski ....I see in your profile that you're "separated" ............I wonder if you would answer honestly and tell us if the reason for the demise of your marriage had anything to do with you cheating on your wife???? Just call me curious georgette.
No, I've never cheated on anyone - not in the sense of the word as it is used here. I have been cheated on. That's the honest truth but I'm fairly sure by your tone that you'd prefer to believe otherwise so that's up to you.
But certainly I helped to cheat my wife and myself out of the full relationship that we could have had and we both deserved. We both had issues and we were looking to each other to solve those issue when in fact the individual solutions had to come from within. I'd have to say, looking back that I had more than the lion's share of the issues.
It was a painful separation for both of us. We have both found ways to use that pain to learn and grow and move on. We still love each other and I think we always will. We are now better friends than we ever were. Her love and friendship helped me through the initial pain and put me on track to learn a great deal from the whole thing. But the marriage itself is over and the separation is en-route to divorce. That's OK - were both way ahead of where we were.
I think there are many ways that people "cheat" each other and themselves in relationships and even more so in marriages. A lot of what I read here indicates that that isn't going to change anytime soon.
There's a lot of angry people here who have a tendency to take out their anger on anyone who doesn't support their particular self-soothing mythology. They deny their anger and their misery but having been there myself, it's as obvious as all hell. A few other people here have tried to point to a different way of doing things - amazing (and interesting) what an angry targetted response that brings from the angry people who claim to be happy.
Like I said earlier - I don't know all the answers but I sure as heck know what I don't want.
Anyway - sorry if you didn't get the answer you were looking (hoping) for "curious georgette" 
p.s. all this put-down of "new age" stuff is kinda funny. The ideas are not new - they are way older than Christianity or even Judaism. I don't even think of it as "new age" - I'm not looking for religions or philosophies - I'm just looking for personal life strategies that work for me - and glad I'm finally finding some. You choose what works for you.
....and just for the record, I didn't endorse cheating or affairs. In fact I said people should stay out of other people's relationships no matter how bad they are. That has always been my rule and expectation. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:29:17 AM | If you think Im rattled because you tried to single me and the other poster out and " attacked" our profile name Im afraid your mistaken, wasn't it you that pointed out our profile name? (msg 351) Im not sure what that had to with the OP plight?
I don't mind you or anyone challenging my beliefs, I have no problem with it, as a matter of fact I welcome it, do lets get back to the topic at hand, its about the OP not YOU, ME or Your lifestyle, journey to where ever blah blah blah.
My Belief is this Woman ( the OP) is dead wrong on what she is doing, and she is selfish, she needs to re examine things in her life or get help, why is she fooling around with a married guy? thats the question? the guy is a jerk end of story, and in all this A Wife who I suspect doesn't know about affair and could possibly be devastated if she found out. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:33:41 AM | Yes CdnJackal...I think your name is appropriate. So do you. So we agree! Why do you feel attacked?
By all means stay on topic...is that why your first post today was about me ?? LOL! | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:28:18 AM | | i think you need to move on!! why would you want someone else's man anyway? he is someone's husband, NOT yours. has he ever emailed you and told you he loves you?? | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:28:29 AM | COME ON NOW GUYS..HOWEVER UHH luvs?
<div class="quote">By all means stay on topic...is that why your first post today was about me ?? LOL! to CdnJackal. THAT WAS CONDESCENDING hun..JUST STOP  and '4 duty & humanity' has like 1 post to ur 20...so ummm.
u addressed a woman about ur failed marriage & u were cheated on but u didn't address ur other 2? or however many marriages? I mean I am not here to personally attack u because u seem like u 'try' 2 be decent & enlightened person... but perhaps u should just write a book? seriously..not being a smart ass....BUT U URSELF CAN ATTEST TO THIS: THERE ISNT ALWAYS GOING TO BE A PLAUSIBLE OR JUSTIFIABLE REASON FOR EVERYTHING..i.e; child molestations,rapes, killing in the name of god ETC! I mean how deep of ying/yang, karma stuff are we talking?
AND WHEN IT COMES TO BEING CHEATED ON IN MARRIAGES..THE UPSTANDING THING TO DO IS SEPERATE B4 U RUN OUT & 'F' AROUND AND HAVE IT COME back 2 haunt..or umm I DUNNO 'KARMA' UR ASS? and for people who think ..AND THIS IS NOT DIRECTED AT U 'LUVS' JUST 2 BE CLEAR..THE PEOPLE WHO 'THINK' IT IS THEIR JOB TO HELP KARMA ALONG? TEACH PEOPLE LESSONS? umm unless ur a bonified yogi..or the Dalai Lama...OR SOME OTHER SUCH, SAID, PERSON, UMM just who the hell do u think u are?..JUST PUTTING IT INTO THE UNIVERSE! | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:47:13 AM | You said that you dated him then he chose his girlfriend. That alone is a flag tat there is less of a connection as you were available but he chose her to spend his life with.
You haowever made it easy for him to have both. every retlationship has problems and you allowed him not to invest as a partner into his marraige just to play on the side, whn he chose.
now you ask if they are still having problems brought on by his lack of committment will he finally years later chose you?
Girl what are you thinking and what is it you seek? a man that cheats when things get rough, doesnt know the meaning of fidelity to leave someone who does for a fling and a lady that has clearly sent the message that the thrill of cheating is all you have to offer.
You clearly sent him the message to use you bc you didnt mind his lack of morales to his marriage.
You clearly have taught him its okay to cheat...do you really want that kind of partner ...would you?
Decide what it is what you want, make a list of must haves and cant stands. put him up against your list and if you have any self esteem left..move on.
Telling his wife wont get you the guy, he will feel you were munipulative and see the pain you caused. he will also loose the excitment of sex on the side a stimulant of the forbidden and unobtainable that keeps you in touch.
She may leave him, but he will lokk for someone like her, not you. best of luck | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 11:53:37 AM |
It's been my experience that those who endorse or seek to justify selfish behavior (such as having an affair, being the "other woman/man" in an affair, etc) .......are generally those who, themselves, are guilty of it.... My heavens, What a sterotypical, mis-conception! Can't you see that any of us who have been trying to explain that one does'nt have to hold onto their pain... that Not One of us has condoned the Op's behaviour.. we just haven't thrown stones at her, or requested a metaphorical Scarlett "A" be sown to her frock.
We have NOT "endorsed" betrayal in any manner. However; you can't see that because all you see is that we aren't playing along in the game of "follow-the-painfilled-leader."
Believe it or not some people can voice the same ideals as someone else ~ without it being voiced with hate or any hidden agenda.. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 1:07:48 PM |
Luv 2 ski ...I tried to message you..I cant...it said old ladies need not apply lol j/k
That's just another New Age thing. Alanis Morissette has a song about screening out older folks. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 1:38:44 PM | "Luv 2 ski ...I tried to message you..I cant...it said old ladies need not apply lol j/k "
Thats funny!!  | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 3:09:26 PM | 4dutyand humanity
That's just another New Age thing. Alanis Morissette has a song about screening out older folks.
Beware of false assumptions. My only "screen" was smoking...it's gone now too. But don't take that as an invitation - there's no screen for "angry and bitter".
| |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 3:19:47 PM | Give it up luv 2 ski, you're beginning to sound like one of those whack jobs that sits on the side of the road and sings " look at me while I play with my penis, my penis, cause I am a penis with ears"
Just be happy you're on the enlightened path, and we are in the real world doing our thing, cant you leave it at that? | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 3:26:07 PM | | OK i DON'T KNOW HOW MY LAST POST GOT SO CONFUNFUNKLED? i WAS QUOTING LUVS..AND ADDRESSING HIM MOSTLY. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 3:36:52 PM | That's a nice song CdnJackal - I can only imagine how you learned it.
4Duty made a false assumption about me. I cleared it up.
I mean really...look how worked up a bunch of you have become just because I have an opinion that doesn't gel with yours.
Learn to tolerate other people's opinions. Your anger is your problem. Deal with it at home. Like you said....this thread isn't about me....so why do you make it that way.
Here's how it works. I'll post what I think about the topic. You post what you think about the topic. A little bit of discussion is good but if you just can't stand my view or someone else's view without getting all whipped up.....then just step away from the computer and take a cold shower.
It's just people's opinions fer cryin' out loud...sheesh !!
| |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 3:59:02 PM | "Luv 2 ski ...I tried to message you..I cant...it said old ladies need not apply lol j/k "
Alright what happened to the lady who posted that. First Mia know her.......I'm starting to get a little nervous. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 4:03:31 PM | Pretty Moon's post and my response got deleted...but it's all sorted anyway.
Someone complained about Mia and rather unfairly she got booted for "chatting". Clearly we are all guilty of that, but she got scapegoated.
No one said life is fair of course. Well maybe somebody did but no one should believe it! | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 4:12:19 PM | | Wutznot2love : I agree with you 100% it is exactly what i was thinking after reading this post ! | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 5:31:56 PM | | All I can say to this is i am a woman whose husband left for the other woman , and I believe there is such a thing as a code of honor stay out of someones elses marriage . there is more at stake then just the two people .there are there spouses ,there children .Bottom line if someone is married there off limits .my life was torn apart by all this and personally I could careless about how lonly or heart broken the the other women feels | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 7:59:02 PM |
to the topic at hand, its about the OP not YOU, ME or Your lifestyle, journey to where ever blah blah blah.
Wrong, the topic is about the topic, not the poster....all the attacks to the OP and name calling of the OP and others are actually violations of forum rules. Everyone is supposed to address the post, not the poster.
OT, I have long wondered why they did away with polygamy. Females outnumber males so it seems sensible to have more than one female and a community rather than a nuclear family.....it would seem to benefit survival to have more than two adults pulling for the team.... | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:18:42 PM | | Please tell me someone made this up to post on here. I can not believe women are this stupid anymore. You deserve to be alone for stabbing another woman in the back this way. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:22:28 PM |
I can not believe women are this stupid anymore. You deserve to be alone for stabbing another woman in the back this way. I find it interesting that:
If a man is cheated on = it is the woman's fault.
If a woman is cheated on = it is the other woman's fault.
Some of you never see the fault in the men. (take note I say "some") | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:22:43 PM | | I've recently gone through a very similar experience, although i was never married, just in a relationship for 5 1/2 yrs. My ex was married however and while our affair didn't last nearly as long as yours, he didn't leave his wife and they're trying to get pregnant. I thought he was the only man I'd ever truly love and that because my second major relatinship had ended his would as well regardless of a ring. He even went as far as saying he was leaving her and calling her and telling her in frount of me. It hurts more than I thought it would. I doubt now that he'll ever leave her and if he does, I sure as hell don't want him after what he put me through. There were even harrassing phone calls from his wifes family and I put up with it because I thought he was worth it. They're never worth it. Stay away from him for a few months with no contact and see how you feel. *hugs* | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 8:23:01 PM | "I agree with wutznot2love, I feel sorry for his wife!!!!
He is a cheater, a lousy good for nothing cheater and I guess you OP are not any better, you are enabling him, encouraging him.'
You said it. The Op is no better than the cheating scumbag husband. She knows he's married and still pursues a relationship with him.
OP he is getting his cake and eating it too. He is using you until he is tired of it and then bam you are out of the picture. You mustn't think much of yourself to be used like this.
END IT and don't look back!! And for goodness sake choose better for yourself next time. | |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 9:17:49 PM | There area lot of calls for vengeance in this thread. Vengeance is born of anger. Anger is really born of pain - the pain of unfullfilled expectations and a lack of control to stop that pain. Eventually the anger takes over and is there all the time.
Some people actually want to visit their anger and their vengeance on a third party (the "other woman") who they seem to think has stolen something that was theirs. That's the fundamental flaw of the way many people see marraige. They seem to think it gives them some kind of "ownership" over another person. Fact is that you can't own another person and generally most people are imperfect and they will do what they do. Go figure !! This idea of the "perfect mate" is BS - nobody is perfect!
So the question is - how can people avoid all this pain that comes from other peoples imperfections - or at least avoid most of the pain??
Well here's the tough part - we have to learn to love "unconditionally". In other words we have to learn that love is about giving not taking. Love is a selfless thing. It's selfless for our own sakes - in fact we get by giving because by learning to love selflessly we can learn to love freely without fear and pain.
That's really what Alanis Morisette's song "You Owe Me Nothing In Return" is all about. Selfless love. The funny thing is that some people think this is some New Age phsycho-babble and have said as much. Well the idea has been around for a very long time but even the New Age religion of Christianity (only 2,000 years old - just a newbie) speaks about selfless love......
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.
-1 Corinthians 13:4 (New American Standard Bible)
So when people promise to "love" someone until death very few realise what they are signing up for. Clearly they are making a promise they can't keep because their love is obviously conditional. One spouse cheats and the other wants vengeance....so much for "love". So much for marriage vows.
It takes two to tango and if neither or either party to the marriage is able to love unconditionally then neither should have taken the vows in the first place.....and neither should be surprised when the marriage fails. It's pointless blaming the "other woman" because she is just a symptom of what was there all along....flawed, conditional, possessive, expectation-filled so-called love but it's not love at all it's just need dressed up as love.
Is unconditional love possible? - Sure, you just have to fix yourself first - so that you don't go seeking a love that will "make you whole" - you're already whole. You have to know yourself and know that you're OK with or without the marriage. Sounds simple but it's actually a lot of work and generally people are lazy and want instant gratification so instead most people choose to NOT work on themselves and rely on marriage vows sometimes time and time again and then suffer the pain of a flawed so-called love that sooner or later comes home to roost beacuse in the end it simply can't work. Want proof - stats - most marriages end in divorce - 'nuff said! The definition of stupidity is doing something over and over and expecting different results. On that basis the flawed marriages that happen every day in North America aren't beautiful - they're stupid. So eventually one spouse strays and everyone thinks that was what destroyed the marriage. Ha - as if !! The marriage was going south long before then.
So even if you are whole and secure on your own - will it still hurt if the marriage fails? Of course! But it won't be the gut wrenching never-ending pain that goes on and on and has people stuck even all their life venting their hate against someone like the OP long after, even years and years after, their own marriage failed. Instead it will be a normal emotional pain that can be processed, learned from and then put behind so that the person can go on to again find happiness in their life without this seething misery and rage that erupts on cue with a simple post on an Internet message board.
Is it OK to be angry? Sure - it's part of the process - one of the stages of grief! But if you're stuck in the angry stage still months, years or even decades later and even the mention of an "other woman" lights your rage then the simple fact is that you are not processing - you are stuck and you're paying for it with your life force - you'll likely even die younger.
Learn to love without "needing". Learn to love freely and unconditionally. Learn that no-one else can make you whole so learn to be whole on your own. Then find someone else that has also learned these things and then and only then - get married if you want!
It's not about the "other woman" - it's all about YOU and how you deal with the things that happen in life - being cheated on is only one of them. If you need someone else to make you OK then you have handed over all control of your life to that person and if he or she fails you then your life will become hell. Look around, read this thread - what more proof do you want.
...and if you want your life to be hell then that's your choice. But if you want something better then start looking inside and changing things there - because in the end the only thing you really have that can make you OK is YOU! So it makes sense to fix it.
Don't forget there will always be people who don't get this stuff. There will always be people who are angry and tell you that you should be angry too - even for the rest of youtr life. Misery loves company and they can't figure out how to be happy so they feel better if there's lots of other people around who validate their anger by also being angry. Why play their game unless you want to be like them?
Anyway...just my two cents worth.... I won't be posting anything more on this thread but I did want to get this message out in the hope that at least some people who are hurting can start to really heal and find real happiness rather than the facade that many people try to maintain (been there myself) while hoping that "time heals" (it doesn't it just festers and hides the pain). I know some people have taken exception to my views - that's their problem (see the paragraph above). If it makes some sense to even a few people then that's worth it.
Good Luck!
| |
|
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 8/4/2008 10:06:04 PM | Your last post is well put, Luv_2_Ski. I admire your tenacity and patience.
By the way, I had meant to send you a message, but for strange reasons, cannot access your profile in order to do so. I keep getting someone with a similar username: Luv 2 Ski (without the underscore) and don't think it's you.
At any rate, thanks for sharing the lyrics to the song. The lyrics hit home in more ways than one.
Ya did good! | |
|
Home
login 
