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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:40:05 AM | You have no right to interject yourself into their marriage. You have no right in sleeping with her husband. You have no right to tell him to leave his wife for you. You have no morals. You need to leave him alone. He was never yours to begin with. Poor choices have repercussions. Don't be a homewrecker.
Although I agree with the fact that seeing a married man is immoral,you dont seem to be holding that married man responsible for his actions in this. Many times when a married man is cheating its because "HE" was looking. There are two people responsible for breaking up you friends marriage not just one. The ONLY innocent party in that type of relationship is the spouse being cheated on no matter what the dynamics of the marriage are. If a spouse is unhappy then leave the marriage first.
When someone cheats outside of a marriage man or woman there is something not satisfying in a marriage that is not being confronted or discussed. There will always be a man or woman out there to fill the gap. Sad but true......................... | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/1/2008 1:12:34 PM | | People would not cheat, if they did not have a willing partner to cheat with. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/1/2008 1:37:14 PM | OP, I am sure you are over 20 years of age. I can think that a very young woman can believe that the man she loves will one day see it her way, end his "miserable" marriage and come to her and they will live happily ever after. I thought adults had more sense of reality.
Few things I would like to say here.
1. even if that were to happen (he leaves his marriage/wife), just know - if he cheated WITH you, he will eventually cheat ON you. I know, I have been the other woman.
2. Most (maybe not 100%, but most) of the guys do not want and never do end their marriage. You can be waiting for years. He may tell you how bad his marriage is (which may be true or exaggerated), but most likely than not(unless his wife leaves him) HE won't end it. It's just way too convenient. He can elicit pity and compassion for his "miserable" situation from you (or some other eager woman like yourself) and have you willingly give him your affection, love and time, and letting real opportunities pass you by, while he has a home and wifey at home. Being married is a convenient "shield" he's using to avoid any deep involvement with anyone (like yourself). Don't be surprised if he tell you one day that they are expecting a baby - from this supposedly "unhappy" union.
3. Who is to say that if they were to break up, he'd come to YOU? He may be inclined to play around after the divorce and not enter any sort of commitment with you. So you are going to wait some more?
If # 2 and # 3 does not convince you.. go back to # 1. That (life has proven time after time) is true. If he didn't honor her commitment to her, what makes you more "special" and what makes you think that his ways would change for you? So even if he left her (unlikely), would you like to be in her shoes, KNOWING that he's capable of cheating?
Don't repeat other's mistakes - don't waste your time and life on no-win arrangement - cut off all the contact and focus on yourself. . It is better to be heartbroken once (by losing this "love" and let it go, then be heartbroken time after time for years to come. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/1/2008 1:40:53 PM | People would not cheat, if they did not have a willing partner to cheat with.
Well thats idealistic in the fact that cheaters lie. Many dont admit they are married. And even in an ideal world if they admit to being married and no one would physically be with them, the fact that they are thinking about it and are looking is a form of cheating in itself.
Wouldn't it be ideal if something is going wrong in a realtionship people were adult enough to discuss it so that it could be worked out and if not be adult enough to know when it is over. Unfortunately that rarely happens. When I caught my husband cheating the woman didnt have a clue that he was married. And I had none that he was unhappy............................ cheating is as old as sex.............its unfortunate and very cruel but to stick your head in the sand and think it doesnt exist and wont continue is unrealistic.
And maybe people wouldnt be looking if they could sit down and discuss things with their partner and often they dont. Or maybe try and the other isnt listening.....but they go looking because some need isnt being met, and there is always someone willing.......
Divorce is at an all time high and I would suspect that most of it is due to cheating. Sad so very sad................ | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:17:49 PM | I have been cheated on. My daughters father told me he and his gf were separated, but at 6 months pregnant i found out they were still very much a couple. It broke my heart, and it broke hers. He wormed his way out of it with her and she is still with him, we have a 2 and a half year old daughter. I still loved him and wanted to be with him, i had no self respect and no self esteem, but one day i woke up and thought what the hell am i doing? He is a selfish lying **stard that has hurt too many people and i dont want to ever be a part of it again. I feel so much more worthy now stronger and happier than ever. These relationships can only drag you and everyone else around you down..they are self destructive , how can you truly be happy when so many people get hurt? I feel i am the lucky one, i got out, but his gf is still deluding her self , i pity her.
I also cheated on my ex husband. I was 21 , married, felt trapped and didnt love him. I was young, naive and it broke his heart, i should never have been with him in the first place..i am a different person now and would never cheat on anyone and if i found myself thinking i might i would end the relationship straight away. Its not fair on anyone. Therefore i dont believe once a cheater always a cheater, as it depends on circumstances.
I however agree that if you are the other woman you can never truly trust the man even if he does leave her for you, which happened with my sister. She was the other woman, not for long as he did leave his partner for her, and theyre still together expecting a baby, but she admits knowing hes capable of cheating and how he lied to see her makes her suspicious he could do it to her, she will never truly trust him at least not for a long time. His ex hates him and he rarely sees the daughter he had with her as a result..a happy ending..? I think not. So cheating will rarely ever result in happiness from any angel.
You are with this guy because clearly you believe that is all you are worth. You have no self esteem and obviously need help. You have serious emotional issues that need to be resolved before you enter into a relationship with anyone.
Please leave this guy , go to relate and deal with your emotional issues before anyone including you gets hurt anymore..take it from someone who knows. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:28:08 PM | I was the "other woman" for five years, and at this point the best thing is to start to enjoy being independent and enjoy your life as God made you - with no one attached to your hip. By enjoying life by yourself as well as when you're with him, you are putting yourself if a "win, win" situation--fine alone, and fine with the man you want. Living here in Las Vegas, it is a real win/win, as there are so many great things to do, and life is so much cheaper than California where I'm from. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:31:47 PM | OP, you are the only one that can make a decision is you. You can not base your decision on anything but how he makes you feel. Married or not married.......if he is the love of your life you will take all the time he will give you and not complain. If you feel that life has dealt you a bad hand, walk away and don't look back. There is nothing easy about the situation...for you or your guy. Only you know the truth about how he treats you. Listen to your head and your heart and do what you must.......but don't let others decide for you.
You will not be happy unless it is completely your decision.
I speak from experience.....being involved with a married man for a number of years.
The major difference might be that we do not play foolish games or make false promises.
Good luck.......but you must decide. Becca | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:23:07 PM | | Oh please "love of your life". This is life- not a paperback romance novel. Those words are used as a romantic delusion that people come up with when they need to explain to themselves or others why do they hang on to a dysfunctional relationship, dead end situation or participate in affair with married partner or other drama filled situation - unable to break off an addiction - and addiction is what such relationships often are. I do not see how "love of her life" would justify forever being "the other woman" and sneaking around with a married man. This is clearly is not the role that OP is satisfied with, otherwise she'd not start this thread. There will be other loves in her life, but first and foremost, she needs to love and respect herself enough to be able to be without the relationship she's clearly not satisfied with. Everything else is a matter of time. There's more than one potential suitable partner for everyone, but OP won't meet him if she continues to be stuck ins this scenario and focus on the man who clearly does not treat her as "the love of his life". | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:38:35 PM | WOW ! I can feel your pain, Im a very romantic and passionate person, and I have always believed in chemistry connections, and love. However I have never been a big believer in the love at first site thing, however, low and behold, never say never lol, it happened, and we both felt something that I have never felt before, and it was something totally magical. I didnt go into this deal saying wow im going to meet this man and he is going to be the one, the one I have been searching for all my life, but I have to admit we both felt that way after we met ( we talked on the phone for 2 weeks before we met in person ). The sparks were there, and after the first kiss, it was as if we had known each other for years. Ok here we go, after 6 weeks, through a painful process of situations, he was married ! Him and her had been having problems off and on for 3 years, and the last 8 months no contact physically in fact she told him, she didnt feel anything for him anymore and that is why she couldnt be with him sexually any longer. Well he decided that he would move on and try and find happiness, and well here Iam. The catch is he had been with her for 16 years and not willing to leave her. Just when I thought I had found MR. Right ( for me ) it wasnt meant to be! I know I dont have the chemistry they did or even you and your man does, but remember, one thing, as much as you love him and really want to be with him, he has to be willing to end things with her for good! That is the only way you will truely get him back.
Im sorry for your pain and hurt, I do know how your feeling and what your going through. If his love is strong enough for you and he is INlove with you, and the problems between them are so severe, you never know what may happen, fate brought you two together once before. Have faith and if it is meant to be hang in there and wait it out.  | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:40:21 PM | You need some self-respect and decency. If he is cheating on his wife, he is most likely cheating on you as well. You even said you got no response to your words of love to him.Does't that tell you something?
What goes around comes around | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/9/2008 6:52:42 AM | What condition is his present marrriage in?
NOT what condition does he SAY it's in. What condition do you KNOW it's in?
If it's still sound then you havent a hope of breaking it up.
If it's stuffed then you can rescue him from an awful situation. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/10/2008 11:53:38 PM | as a wife of someone who just broke up our family for another woman, I can't tell you how painful it is. We have a 5 year old little girl and he came home one day out of the blue and told me he didn't love me and wanted out. I was totally blindsighted. But then I found out about the other woman in his life. Then it all made sense.
He has since moved out and is still with her and I CANNOT tell you the pain this has caused not only me, but my daughter (problems in school, etc).
So even if he leaves (which mine has), the pain it causes is unbelievable. I am now just coming to a place where I wouldn't take him back if you paid me. Cheaters are LIARS and he lies to me all the time (we still have contact due to our child). It's horrible in every way.
I'm not totally blaming the other woman, it takes two, but I cannot fathom how this woman sleeps at night knowing FULL WELL he had a wife and child (I know this for a fact as I overheard a conversation he was having with her before he moved out). I don't care how "unhappy" he says he is, cheating on a spouse is one of the most destructive things anyone can do.
So obviously I have no sympathy for you. My therapist told me that woman who hook up with married men (esp. with children, etc) have true self-esteem issues. If you truly had self worth, you wouldn't even consider gettting involved in this situation.
The part you're playing in this is gross and so, so wrong. I don't care WHAT he tells you. The pain I have endured through this is pain I never imagined. It has hurt not only me and our child, but also our families. And my husband acts JUSTIFIED (lie) for doing it becauase he was "so unhappy" for 2 years.
Oh, and by the way, we were still sleeping together after he told me he wanted out and right before I found out about the affair, about a month span. So DO NOT be fooled into thinking that "there's nothing" between him and his wife . You will never understand the pain this causes until it happens to you. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/11/2008 12:20:14 AM |
Any advice on how to deal with my feelings...for him....and my feelings of loneliness???
yeah, suck it up princess. Lonely? Get a hobby. Volunteer your time. Learn something. DO NOT TOUCH other women's husbands.
Adultery is a sin. It causes pain. You deserve it. So does he. His wife and children do NOT.
Any chance we will get back together, based on others you know in similar situations? Well, you deserve each other. But neither of you have respect for marriage or committment so why bother. You'll never trust him out of the house. He'll never trust you out of the house. You're both cheaters. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/11/2008 3:47:03 PM | | I read your profile and didn't notice a single thing in it about you just wanting a guy to waste his time while you waited for your scum bf to dump his wife, and whether he did or not, that you would be sneaking off with him any chance you got.......good thing these forum posts show up on your profile so everyone knows the real you | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:18:16 PM |
Quote: Adultery is a sin.
Only for those who subscribe to the Bible and who also believe in sin
Those who do somehow think that is everyone...
but it is not.
??confused - if you don't believe in 'sin', then what do you think about adultery? Would you do it? Would you condone it? Would you condemn it? | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:43:15 PM | | I agree with mthomjmark 100% I can't believe you're whining about being the other woman and being so hard done by. Give me a flippin' break. You two deserve each other and what goes around comes around. The wife is who my heart goes out to, definately not you. You're lower than pond scum. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:21:27 PM | marynyc... I'm sorry that happened to you. I know it's hard, been there. If you need to talk you can email me.
Miashaki... you are always for infidelity. Do you really think anyone wants to date you, except guys out for a piece of ass? | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:16:41 AM | love is,nt always good for us as it can make us do hurtful things but seeing him when he is married is not the right thing, he is having the best of both worlds and why would he want to change that when you are handing it to him on a plate,it sounds like you need to get on with your own life , and let him get on with his marriage as he must love her, as he isnt with you, yes it will hurt but as weeks go on then turn in to months it will feel easyer, and when you do find a mr right that is singel you will look back at this and wounder what the hell you was playing at with thinking you loved a man that cant keep it in his pant, as they say a lepard does not change there spot, what makes you think ,if he got with you he wouldnt do the same too you,  | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:51:38 AM | I agree!! KARMA GOT YOU and you deserve it!
He is MARRIED.. AND I cheater..oooooo great catch!
What is with some people wanting to cry after they did what they knew was wrong .. You knew what you were doing he knew what he was doing was wrong but neither of you had morals, boundaries, respect for yourselves even to say NO..
I then want to say "I couldn't help myself" OH yes you can..
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 70 | |
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:44:28 AM | I have reviewed each part of this thread, and needed to go back to the OP's message. Wow, lots of good and interesting commentaries!
Well...my reply might generate some controversy, and first of all, you probably should have known better, OP. But, "should" isn't always what we do! I'm coming from experiences in which I have very, very much been fooled by men who conveniently forgot to mention they were married until I started to develop feelings for them. Now, I'll be honest: I don't feel guilty for falling for these creeps because they were the ones who kept information to themselves in the first place.
But...when I found out, I said that I couldn't be involved any longer, and that they needed to go work on their own relationships. I don't know why married (or involved) men and women seek things elsewhere. I guess it's easier to do that than to confront problems directly in the relationships. Heaven knows it isn't because of my supermodel looks! 
Very frustrating, OP, but you need to move on if at all possible and think very seriously about your own emotional vulnerability that would let you be susceptible in the first place. Good luck. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 71 | |
| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:37:59 AM | Nah. They were definitely creeps for "forgetting" to mention they were married, or already in committed relationships. I don't have supermodel looks, but I do have a good and trusting personality, and I think that must have attracted them. And again, I urge women and men in these situations to look within themselves and really meditate upon why they are emotionally vulnerable in the first place. That's what I am doing right now.
However, miashakti, I really appreciated the joke about marriage and a tornado...mainly because I live right smack-dab in Tornado Alley and dodged a couple of tornado warnings last night! Thanks for a good smile today. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 2:24:56 PM | While I do not prefer a lifestyle of Polyamory, many people do this quite gracefully and there is a wonderful essay on 'Compersion'
Many? really? I do not believe that it is statistically true, it is a rather rare exception than a rule. If it was such a commonplace, there would not be so many anguished threads started by people of both genders who are in pain because their partner has been with someone else.
While I do not believe in a concept of sin the way it is usually meant either.. I strongly believe in "you get what you give out" and "what goes around comes around". Admittedly, it took some of the "hard way" learning for it to sink in...If a guy cheats on his wife.. he will cheat on OP if they were together.. would not be surprised if he cheats on his wife AND on OP with yet someone else. "What goes around comes around". I'd suggest anyone to stay away from someone else's spouses, regardless of "big love", passion or whatever. .. Not because it's "sin".. But because some day.. some way.. it will come around and they will get to experience all the hurt such thing can cause someone else. If you don't want it done on yourself - don't do it to others. Simple utilitarian approach.
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:04:06 PM | Don't you just love the double standards in here.
The woman, seeing a man, who is suffering through a roen marriage, is some sort of scarlet woman.
But the man, comforting a married woman, n a rotten marriage, is some sort of white knight. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:39:06 PM | Just Incredible. The ONLY good thing about a thread like this one, and there have been many "Poor Me Another Cheater"s threads!
NO Sympathy from me - either way.
"The Other Woman Speaks" blahlahblah. Makes me roll my eyes. But it also makes me stop and read alllll the various attitudes and opinions on the "merits" of cheating! lol .. makes weeding a whole lot easier. Those who think cheating is justifiable can pic from those who have advertised their agreement here .. and those who know it is a huge Lie can breathe a sigh of relief and check off a few near collisions! .. phew ..
Get your own partner. If you "need" to pick on those who are having a hard time (those do pass you know) in their relationships - You should seek counselling ! Seriously .. anyone who is drawn to people in committed relationships like that has issues.
geez .. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:41:59 PM | OP, I am not here to judge you as many have, it's not my place. Besides you have already done that by the sounds of your suffering. Just remember this it is not easy walking away from someone you love, no matter the circumstances, but for the sake of self-preservation, you must. Specially if you ever want to find someone else.
Letting go
When faint the visions rise above
The deeply bosomed past
Will come alive the hour and day
From shadows that were cast?
The scent from long ago drifts by
A song weaves through the air
And tears will seek to wash away
The mem’ries that they share.
‘Tis sad the lose, of love gone by
For broken hearts can’t mend
When tightly clenched the fisted hand
Around what might have been.
Mary | |
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