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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 3:56:32 PM | | I have recently found out that my partner of 11 years and father of my 8 year old son has been cheating on me for quite some time and I feel the need to let you know how much that has damaged me. I will never be the same person I was before and my next relationship will probably suffer because of this.One of the main ingredients for successful relationships is trust, I cannot see how I will ever trust someone again, they will have to earn it which is not the way its suppossed to be, it puts pressure on the relationship before its had a chance. Any one that has 'a bit on the side' is just a waste of Gods air! We are all human and we all feel the same emotions but the problem is we are too self obbsessed ,its all me me me... Women should stick together , I mean men are weak willed and never trully grow up so its up to us to have some self respect and not allow them to have what they want when they want. Have you stopped to think that his marriage is having problems because he is not giving his wife the time he should be because he is sneaking off to be with you! She may even sense that he is up to something cause lets face it women have that good old intuition . . Haven't blokes realised that yet! Men can only cheat when there are women like you around that don't care about others as long as they are ok. Wasn't you ever taught any morals or told treat others as you would expect to be treated yourself. He doesn't respect you cause you don't respect yourself,if he did have any for you it soon vanished once he could see you didnt respect yourself enough to be some ones only bed buddy. How ever heartbroken you feel right now you brought it all on yourself. Imagine how his wife will feel? They made vows to each other and you knew all along that he was with someone else but it would be a massive shock to her. The pain , anger and emotions are over whelming, it is completly soul destroying! What right did either of you have to inflick such misery onto another person who didn't deserve it one little bit. What goes around comes around and one day you will be the one thats being cheated on. Then you'll know what pain is. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 5:55:32 PM | Sugarlipzz01 my heart goes out to you! .. that really sux.
I would also like to say - Very Well Put! 100%!
A.S.is
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 6:48:55 PM |
In 2001 he married his girlfriend. In 2004 I married someone as well. In 2006 my husband left me (health reasons and age difference) and I took it as a sign that perhaps my friend would leave his wife and we could try again.......
Did you honestly think he would leave his wife because you are now free??????
What "sign" were you looking for????
.........However about 2 or 3 years into his relationship with his girlfriend/wife we started sleeping together and have been ever since. It was supposed to be a no-strings-attached type of thing but it has just resurrected a bunch of feelings from the past for me and now as I am writing this I believe that he is also having second thoughts as he and his wife are always fighting and on the verge of ending their marriage...........
If he winds up with you , do you honestly think he would be faithful to you??? He can't even be faithful to his own wife - so what makes you think he will not cheat on you? Have you thought about that??? Would you put yourself in those shoes???
Is the reason why he and his spouse are fighting because she knows about you and can no longer trust him???? Probably so.
So if they DO ultimately divorce, you do realize you will more than likely be called a homewrecker - and a whole lot worse that isn't even printable.
I am sorry, but I just don't have a lot of sympathy for you as my own very long term relationship ended because my ex wanted to have a "no strings attached sexual relationship" with someone else. I've been there and know how that feels.
You say you are lonely. Well, I suggest you take that time and do some serious soul searching and atone yourself. You need to let him go. He is married and he needs to work on his marriage and not be planning the next sexual tryst with you.
Sorry this sounds really harsh and judgemental, but trying to have a relationship with a married person is really the road to nowhere and it brings nothing but pain to all parties involved and there is a huge price to be paid in the end.
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 7:12:03 PM | Miashakti, I somehow don't think you read my whole post here. Let's try that again.
Do NOT tell me what I can and cannot know. Or how I should feel and don't feel.
Apparently, you have never experienced being cheated on. I lived a situation like that and many others on here and elsewhere have as well. I know how it feels to have someone important just carry on with someone else. What was so ironic in my situation was six months later, the one he left me for, left him! Sure, he acted "contrite" and asked me back and was supposedly in all this emotional turmoil because he hurt me so much, blah blah blah - he even had his own sister contact me in an attempt to get me to go back with him....... In the end, I told him to go pound sand and learn how not only to fight his own battles, but also to keep his pants zipped. He did it once, whose to say he wouldn't have done that again???
Having been through that, it IS very very difficult to trust again.
As far as the pain goes, what if there are kids involved??? do you think they are not going to feel any pain in watching their parent's split?? knowing that one of them couldn't keep their promise to their spouse??
Here is an article I found on another site I am on. I do not know who wrote it, so I can not cite a source, but I will say anonymous here. It is kind of long, but well worth the read.
If I had to get on my knees to beg you not to do one thing in your life it would be this - dating a married person. In the USA 44% of married men have an extramarital affair and 32% of married women follow suit. In the USA almost 50% of all marriages fail. In the UK that figure is around 33%. So from square one, marriage requires one's utmost attention to sustain it. Messing about with a third party is not going to help. Speaking from experience, having an affair with a married person is the single most stupid thing you will ever do. Period. If you want to lose all the dignity you ever had, lose your self-worth and wreck people's lives on top of your own then please go ahead.
I will be brutal here; You are stupid if you do. Affairs with married people often happen due to purely selfish desire and due to sheer boredom and it will hurt you. You will not come out of it well. An opportunity is presented to you and you are too greedy to say no. Sex with a married person is dramatic, open, stimulating and very exciting. For the married person it is all these things plus a release from the mundane situation they find themselves in; a release from the boring sex and drudgery of daily life. And none of it will last.
As a single person I have had an affair with a married woman and it was a disaster for me. She hurt me through her constant deceit. She lied almost every day either to her husband or to me. She made promises she couldn't keep and she forced me to be many things I was not. It was not that she wanted to lie, she had to. At the end of the affair, I walked away with two wasted years, nothing of substance, too many lonely weekends, no vacations and a sense of worthlessness. I hated her for what she had done. The irony was that weeks after I walked away, she left her husband and took up with one of my work colleagues! I tell you this only as a warning because I was as sensible as you are.
The problem with dating a married person when you are single is that you remain single throughout the affair. You are not a couple so don't fool yourself. Sure you mau act like a couple when you are together, but you aren't. In the very beginning you will see quite a lot of your new lover. Secret dates will be established and the excitement will make you feel alive. But as soon as the guilt sets in for your married lover, excuses will develop and you will be kept hanging on, but ever available just in case they can make it. It is a subtle process and by the time you realize, it's often too late to save your heart.
Oh yes, you will never be without a phone on the off chance that your lover will call. They want to see you but you must be understanding that its not easy for them. Indeed you will be praised for just how understanding you are. You have just become a saint and a martyr. In the meantime they will be tucked up in bed with their other half trying to fix things. They won't tell you that of course, because they don't want to hurt you. You will have to endure endless months of discussing what it will be like when you are together (which you probably never will) and you will face comparisons with their spouse at every turn, even if they never vocalize it.
You will expected to be available just in case because one can never tell when your crutch-like strength will be required and you will be thankful for any small morsel of time you are given. They will insist that the evening you had a week last Tuesday was a great deal for them to arrange so be grateful and that you should just hang on for them if you love them. And so it goes on, month after month. Of course the key thing that makes your affair different from everyone else's is that it is 'different'. Your passion and love is almost unique and you know they are in a terrible marriage and they made a mistake and you will be perfect together. In other words, you will make excuses whenever possible to justify the situation - just a little more time and things will be fantastic.
No one else can possibly understand what you both are going through and so you will withdraw from some of your friends. Partly because they strongly disapprove of what you are doing. Your weekends will be wasted as will vacations because whilst you are alone waiting at home for the phone to ring, they will be at social functions and parties and all kinds of domestic events that you would die to have but are never afforded the opportunity of having. You trust your lover implicitly. After all you are in this together. The thing is your entire relationship is already founded on deceit. And if they can do it to their husband or wife they can also do it to you. And they will. Eventually!
You see, if your lover was going to leave their partner they would have to leave for themselves and not for you. If they are going to do it for themselves it will be much sooner rather than later. If they haven't become single within 12 weeks they probably never will. They must leave not for you but for their own reasons. If they leave for you, you will be held silently accountable in future every time life is not perfect. And for all you know, they may always be looking backwards with a half-glance and all that they left behind.
If children are involved in the marriage then although you may not be able to fix their marriage, you are contributing to destroy it and with it, the children's stability. Walk away as fast as possible in the opposite direction and keep walking. Never fool yourself here, dating a married person is a complete waste of time in 99% of cases. A very few do make it through but almost all don't. You will have absolutely no idea as to what your married lover is going through and you will be nothing more than light relief to something far more serious.
You will lose self respect because you are sharing your lover, you are falling in love with someone you cannot have, you are second best most of the time and you will be extremely lonely. Most of the evenings will not be with your loved one so your relationship cannot grow, much of what you do will be based around sex not love. Your relationship will be extremely intense but will be sporadic and unfulfilling. As a woman you will be made to feel cheap and may even fall pregnant in which case your situation has just become highly complex.
The thing I cannot stress enough is how much you will be lied to. The person you love will be telling you lies almost constantly. It is not that they are essentially bad, it is that they will over time get used to lying to spare feelings whilst protecting themselves. And do remember that in the midst of such emotional turmoil, they will have no option but to start considering only themselves. In the end they will find lying to everyone second nature, even though it make be cutting them up emotionally. A married lover simply wants to sit on the fence and never make a decision. They want you to decide for them which of course you cannot. You could demand that they leave their partner for you once and for all, but in doing so you are now standing in the firing line.
The simple question I will ask is that if you really do value yourself and understand yourself and if you truly believe that there are some truly great single people out there, why would you waste your life on dating a married person. For all these words, people will continue to learn from their own mistakes and in doing so pass on their valuable lessons to others. But for the sake of some short term passionate sex, you truly could be risking everything. Let us hope that you have the wisdom to walk away and not look back.
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:17:45 PM | Miashakti.. there's a difference between theorizing.. and trying this bit on yourself...I used to believe in all this
"Sometimes some people are meant to connect...their 'status' notwithstanding...and it is beyond all logic and public opinion.." .. meant to be together stuff... unearthly passion.. that explains and justifies everything.. martyrdom in the name of one special love..all that..
Now speaking from experience.. however much we want to explain or romanticize it, I do strongly agree with the article quoted above. It very precisely describes the dynamic and the outcome. Whilst I do agree that such experiences can become a tremendous catalyst for one's growth (single party in this example) and reevaluation of oneself and one's role in the fabric of life and "greater picture", the experience is far from painless and harmless. If there's an answer already available to this dilemma (and it is, been around for millenia - such as do unto others..you get what you give out...etc etc), why seek it out your own hard way, through one's own painful experience?
As far as love goes.. I do believe love can be unconditional.. whilst relationships are not. You can still love your married partner unconditionally..from the distance. But not be in a relationship with him/her if they are not free.
"Padre Abraham knew that close to the monastery at Sceta lived a hermit
reputed to be a wise man. He sought the man out and asked him: "If you were
to find a beautiful woman in your bed today, would you be able to convince
yourself that it was not a woman?" "No," answered the wise man. "But I would
be able to control myself." The padre went on: "And if you found some gold
coins in the desert, would you be able to regard the money as stones?" "No,"
said the wise man. "But I would be able to control myself and leave them
there." The padre insisted: "And if you were consulted by two brothers, one
of whom hates you and the other of whom loves you, would you be able to
regard them as equals?" The hermit answered: "Even though I might suffer
inside, I would treat the one who loved me in the same way as the one who
hated me." "I will explain to you what a wise man is," the padre later told
his disciples. "It is he who, rather than killing his passions, is able to
control them." © Paulo Coelho. Maktub. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:48:37 PM |
I cannot see how I will ever trust someone again
I'm sorry this happened to you, but as hard as it is to imagine now, you will be able to trust again. Not quite the same way, or as much. But you will. Just take the time to let yourself heal. You'll get past it.
btw.. your post.. very well said. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 4:35:06 AM | | As the EX of a cheating husband I think it's deplorable that women like you knowingly get into relationships with married men. What is it? You can't find a man of your own. You know a single or at least one that's already divorced. Karma: Maybe he decided to stay with his wife because he figured if you'd cheat with him on his wife you'd eventually cheat on him if he hooked up with you on a permanent basis. For every action there is a consequence. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:14:28 AM | OP I feel very sorry for you, you've wasted years of your life waiting for a man who by his very nature you should prove to you that he can't be trusted. He's cheated and lied to a woman that probably loves him dearly and believes what he says.
I've been the wife that was cheated on and believe me when I say this, if you were able to put yourself in her shoes for one day...you'd never again listen to or believe that lying cheating excuse for a husband. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:34:09 AM | miashakti you write as if you're trying to sell a book rather than state a simple opinion - which is what these forums are for - an exchange of opinion. you state in your profile:
despite some of my forum posts, in which I offer messages to expand consciousness
How arrogant! if you Truelly wish to expand consciousness perhaps a good place to start is in Truth. When a man and a woman make vows, promises to each other - They "Should" be honored. Where is there any consciousness expanding in condoning cheating (which requires Lying) ?
I tend to agree that Most humans are not built for monogamy (just based on the results, examples of fidelity/infidelity in our society) - BUT there is a step that can and should be taken if one party in a relationship chooses to stray and as a result (possibly) endanger their "Significant" others health - STDs. Women who cheat with married men, men who cheat with married women lack self esteem - Oh Yes they do! Perhaps if you READ a few books rather than presuming to know the human psyche, you'd get that. I've written books too - doesn't mean a frikkin thing, doesn't mean I "Know" more than anyone - I do know I have more respect for people who Read than those who write about their own writings! lol
Cheaters - be they the straying spouse or the person interfering with a relationship that isn't theirs - CAUSE PAIN. Period.
Consciousness Raising? Perhaps focusing on Integrity, Honesty, Faithfulness - Treating each other with respect - not to mention how we would like ourselves to be treated .. there's a little consciousness raising for you.
Whether or not we are built for this one man one woman for life is up in the air, but how we treat each other is Important.
OP - I hope you learn your lesson in a fairly gentle manner .. but I do hope you learn it before someone is Seriously hurt.
Not JMO!
A.S.is
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:38:47 AM |
And human beings DO want to be free and not possessed.
There's a very simple solution to that. Stay single, and make sure you tell anyone you are involved with, that you do not intend to be monogamous. Saves everyone a lot of pain, and many other things that go along with being with a cheater. If you were young when you made that decision, get a divorce. How hard is that? | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:49:10 AM | ^^^^^exactly!
If you want to be free and live like a love-child of the 70s, then friggin well don't walk down the aisle and look your partner in the eye and promise to be faithful and committed. Don't get married. Don't join your life with another's. Just stay single, have all the fun you want - no strings, all the freedom you could ask for -- but don't misrepresent yourself as someone who is loyal and faithful. What's all this "new world" BS.........respect, integrity, honesty and loyalty don't go out of style fercrissakes. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 12:37:53 PM | ^^^^ he he.. But that takes some self-awareness, integrity and some guts. True the agreement may have been entered previously without realizing that one party is unable to keep it. However if that party realizes that they cannot keep it... IMO it is more honorable to admit it, act on it (i.e dissolve the union officially) and move on to whatever lifestyle they find suitable..
Too often people do whatever makes them feel good, right here, right now.. even if it makes someone close to them hurt. Like a child who has no concept of actions and consequences.
Idealistic, I know. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:15:40 PM | Dear miashakti,
Wider point of view? Nothing new here honey. It might be an example of the most conditional kind of love I have ever heard of..".as long as its fun honey". If you were a person dedicating their life to service of the sick, suffering and disenfranchised fellow beings I could buy the "gee I'm so progressive and my conciousness is oh so raised" shtick. I find that lack of ability to commit, emotionally stunted and frankly as a Human Being, insulting.
Each to his own, but don't try and act like you are some kind of advanced soul because you don't have the wherewithal to stick. If this drivel is indicative of the Mother Goddess, we're all screwed.
I do try and practice," Love the sinner, hate the sin." And I love you enough to let you go. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:39:39 PM | If you think your heart is broken, imagine how his wife would feel.
This guy is a total creep.
I think all of us should know that if you have sex with a married man, or if you are married and screwing around with another- it is wrong.
Do you really think that what you have done is okay? Do you believe that he is telling the truth about his marriage being "on te verge of ending"?
If this loser is lying to his wife, and he is just be his actions, he is also lying to you:
COUNT ON IT!
Now, put on your big girl panties and deal with it. It is adultery and it is wrong.
Look at it this way: it's either going to be long-term pain or short-term pain.
YOU should tell his wife.
It would serve him right. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:47:57 PM | mia... you are just stupid. get over yourself. you aren't even living in the real world. it's okay if you want to have an open relationship, but unless those lines are clearly drawn, don't enter a supposed committed relationship. and if you read the statistics of open relationships, they don't last either, and someone does get hurt. AGAIN, if you want to screw around, stay single, and do it all you want. what I really mean to say is shut the f uck up!
And OP read the post above this one, totally agree. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:56:05 PM | | SHAME ON YOU...HES MARRIED. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE TRUTH IS. LEAVE HIM ALONE. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:17:25 PM |
What is the intelligence level on here? Yikes
That the best ya got? We all know how superior your intelligence is.... it's showing all over the place.  | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 8:51:19 PM | | Why should anyone help you....? You are hurting other people....and if you realy want to stop hurting yourself, stop cheating. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 9:47:34 PM | Miashakti, you seem to be advocating for very open relationships - sounds like it's nice and dreamy in your world but the point you're not accepting is that some people prefer a more committed relationship of two (only two) people. If one person changes his /her mind and wants to be free again it is NOT okay to wander off without notice.
Imagine you've agreed to buy my house. We make a formal agreement. You arrange your entire life around the dates and purchase price we've agreed on. Moving day comes, you've made a lot of plans that depend on me but I'm no longer interested. I've decided that our agreement doesn't 'work' for me any longer. So you're in my driveway with your uHaul, kids and pets, but I'm not moving out and I don't want your money.
....Maybe I should have TOLD you I'd changed my mind?
If you want to be free and live like a love-child of the 70s, then friggin well don't walk down the aisle and look your partner in the eye and promise to be faithful and committed. Don't get married. Don't join your life with another's. Just stay single, have all the fun you want - no strings, all the freedom you could ask for -- but don't misrepresent yourself as someone who is loyal and faithful. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/14/2008 11:05:00 PM | Wow... OP, you've got a profile on here looking for a long term relationship?
According to your post you're already sorted, hanging out for your married lover. So what's in it for the hapless bloke who replies to your profile? Why should he date a woman who's only marking time until this bloke maybe or maybe-not leaves his wife? | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:52:13 AM |
Is the act any more damaging than the desire?
Yes, I do believe the act is a lot worse than the desire. That could be with most things in life, like I could desire that big pile of greasy food, but eating it would be a lot more harmful than desiring it.
I do want to say I'm sorry for telling mia to shut up. Everyone has a right to say whatever they want. I just hate seeing people putting their pain out there, and then someone comes along and says oh poo poo, it's just all in your mind, but advocates the person who is doing the hurting. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:55:01 AM | | you should not be sleeping with someone elses Husband..stop it right now...you are disrupting his marriage.. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/15/2008 8:03:36 AM | Look...........people have their own pain to bring to the forums on any subject and thats fine....we post upon our own experinces.....and if we havent had healing from our own we tend to do it with bitterness and more judgements than necessary.......
A discussion is never wrong if it leads to some resolution in ones mind. We unfortunately will never all come to that same conclusion....it doesnt mean yours is right and someone else's is wrong just different.
And I cant believe I'm going to say this....as I myself have called mia an elitist (and I do think she is and she knows that) however, I think anyone that is taking the time to post should be respected for that fact. Each post has something to take from it...even if its just to know that's not how we hope to be presenting ourselves.
And if your really take the time to read between the lines of some of mia's posts she has some very valid points. Just not understandable by some in the way she presents herself.
OP.........I hope you are gleening from all the posts what you find positive to guide you on a postive path.......Peace to all on your journey through this maze we call life........
GOOD LUCK | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:58:16 AM |
The person who is 'doing the hurting' is also hurting and she made herself immensely vulnerable
personally I don't care about the person who done the hurting, care about the one that got hurt. when you intentionally do something wrong, there's consequences to those actions.
And I do not see eating a pile of greasy food the same as
the yearning for love and connection, but that is a long conversation for another time.
guess you missed my point.
And for whoever said you need to read between the lines to understand what mia is saying, my opinion of that is, if you want people to really know what you are saying, just spit it out and quit playing little games.
Still not feeling any sympathy for the other woman though. Probably never will.
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 6/15/2008 7:42:09 PM |
It does not appear to matter to people who 'cheat', that it is 'not okay' to do so. Has it ever mattered? Down through the ages relationships have been plagued by infidelity, perhaps more so in good looking sexually savvy individuals, but across the board in every culture infidelity is rampant. So, do you really think that by saying 'it's not okay', it is going to stop? Do you think if there is enough logic expressed about how not okay it is, and examples of real estate transactions aborted, this situation will change?
I think you're talking about a small group of people who are over-represented in a forum like this. The people that do believe in a committed relationship, and are in one, wouldn't be here to chip in their two cents.
I've seen the so called fairy tale and I believe it's possible and more common that we can imagine while spending time in this forum. Most of my peers are content in 20 - 30 year marriages; they have confidence, roots, shared histories, they are mates. They have built families, businesses, legacies. Their kids know where to go on Christmas Day. They enjoy a STD-free world.
Some would naysay that as boring and that having only one sexual partner for decades is beyond comprehension but I disagree.
I've also seen the fall out of a relationship gone to hell due to one person breaking all agreements without showing any courtesy or decency to inform the other person. Whether they entered the relationship with good intentions or not, whether they have the courage to leave it or not is not the point - it is the deveastation they leave in their wake by selfishly cheating.
Back to the real estate example, Imagine yourself with kids and pets in tow, in my driveway, with no backup plan because you 'believed' that I was sincere in my part of our bargain. Are you airily forgiving of me because I 'started out' sincere but faded into some other dimension 'without the courage' to let you know the deal was off. I bet you're going to want to kick my ass for stringing you along. The expense and inconvenience you are suffering is my fault. Unless you want to blame yourself for not being able to read my mind but that's another topic :)
Maybe this example? You show up for work at your leased office, set up and decorated with care by you, with a full day of clients booked in. You arrive to discover your belongings have been tossed, your chair is occupied by someone else and you're no longer welcome. Neither are your clients. Your landlord didn't have the courage to tell you they were breaking your lease and letting that space to someone else. If it were me, I assure you I would not be in a compassionate or forgiving mood.
I condede your point that many people are not cut out for monogamous relationships and it would cause them distress to be held within one. Please, please partner up with likeminded people! | |
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