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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/24/2008 3:01:37 PM | well i have read a lot of responses to this one but i have to say as i said earlier my husband had a mistress. and not only is his wife gettin hurt, but think of the kids losing a dad wow thats shamefull !!! why would anyone want to knowingly wreck a marrige ?my husband would never have left me for her.we were very happy 5 beautiful kids and a full life ahead,but as i sat at his bedside when he was dieing his mistress had the cheek to sit on the other side as i didnt want to upset my husband i left it peaceful but i tell u when my kids wanted time to say goodbye the doctors had to put her out so just think who is really gettin hurt not u for sure u have nothing to lose his wife does!!!! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/24/2008 7:35:48 PM |
Quote: Oh, boo f ucking hoo. Yeah, I'm REALLY ashamed of myself, especially since I've never cheated on anyone in my whole life. Bad me. Maybe I need to rethink my morals!!!
If a person is REALLY rethinking their morals, they might want to consider the immorality of righteousness...but if they are just inflamed by an idea that they don't understand or agree with, and then lash out, spewing their disdain at others....Well, how much can they possibly love? How much is their love, and fidelity really worth?...
My love and fidelity is worth a lot, too bad others don't think that way. And once again, you are on here advocating infedelity. I don't believe in it, don't want it in my life, won't put up with it, don't care what anyone else says about it. This is my life, and I will only put up with someone that wants to be monogamous. If that's not what you want, don't bother me!!! Simple! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 6:53:28 AM | | I wish, for one moment you could get inside the heart and head of that wife, that you could sit through the pain and devastation it causes her and any children she may have to know that the most prescious thing in the world, love, has been misused and trust has been broken. It takes so long to deal with this, to recover and to trust. Why would you want to cause someone so much pain? If it wasn't you, it would be someone else he would do this with. Grab your self-esteem, don't waste time on someone who abuses you emotionally . Ask yourself why you would sink this low because this man is a low-life. If you want better, act better or you will just keep getting pain back. Life can be so much better than this. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 8:31:33 AM | This is the kind of situation that makes me F*ckin sick to my stomach, first thing is you need is help , some serious help you have issues, your man is a pig .
He has a WIFE, HELLO..................A WIFE. end of story, who cares about your feelings, see a therapist they're paid to care, I feel sorry for the wife, and by the way cupcake, do you really think that this guy if he gets together with you for a long term relationship that he will be faithful to you? If you believe that Santa Claus has his ocean front condo up for sale on the shores of Land of Oz
You will always be the booboo waiting in the wings, as the old saying goes, why buy the cow when you get the milk for free  | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 8:52:22 AM | While I can sympathize with the investment and time you have within this relationship, and the feelings of loss you'll have over the end of it...
It's my opinion (based on a similar friendship) that you should put him out of your head.
This type of relationship works well as long as you see those times when you are together with each other as an ALL good perk.
But clearly you pushed the boundaries that he was comfortable with after all these years by writing him of what you were feeling.
Will he be back? Yes. Because the two of you have built a relationship based on using each other when you have a feeling of "need". That's not a last feeling of want or love. It's a feeling of: "At this moment I need you to make me feel this_______"
Note it's "at this moment".
Rarely will those moments occur when or if you need them to.
They'll more than likely be when he needs them to.
If you wish to spend life that way - cool.
But clearly you've stepped over a line that he is not comfortable with, which means emotionally - he isn't that into you. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 9:12:04 AM | im sorry to say this but where are your morals and you dignity , infidelity is devasating , even more so when there are children involved ........ i speak from experience , as my husband had an affair with a woman who made a habit of breaking up peoples marriages - more fool him because he lost everything because of it and it took me 3 years to get myself and my daughter back on track .
Hes obviously a complete idiot who has two women in his bed , more fool you for putting up with it .
Get a life and get some self respect , you bleat on about hurting well hes not yours to hurt over , stop thinking about yourself and think about his wife who probaly has no bloody idea what he is doing behind her back . I only hope you never fall in love with someone and get cheated on ........... but then they say what comes around goes around , watch out for karma !!!! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 9:34:18 AM | Think about the following queston carefully.....
If he is Cheating on her to be with me...What will keep him from Cheating on ME?
He is in essence cheating on both of you. You deserve better and so does she. Walk away and never look back. the whole relationship has been a lie.
Gianne | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 10:13:10 AM | I have a lil bit of a different story to tell..about my Ex of 13 years.This was a man whom before i had met him ..had filed for a divorce because he had at the time been cheating with the secretary at his work, and he thought by ending the marriage, this woman would eventually marry him...well it ended up..she left him after all his ground work was laid for a divorce, and got involved with one of her childrens, socceer coach!!She left him with no explaination or any Good Byes..just disappeared!!
I met him about a year and half after that..we took things VERY slowly..we were exclusive for 7 years and lived in opposite homes..as well as cities..and finally he POPPED the question..we became engaged and i left my home , with children..to live in another city..as he had just bought his first house..for ALL us to be together in..It was a GOOD life..for about 5 years..During that time he sold his first house as it was not BIG enough for all of us..3 kids (2 mine..& 1 his) myself & him...and had the oppurtunity to buy his Family's House...that he had grew up in..So we moved into that space. To mkae a long story short..My name wasn't on any of the mortgagage papers..altho i paid him cash every week..and after we moved..he became dictative about my job..my friends..my clothes..everything. I didn't understand why after 12 years..these things about me..became such an obsession with him. It was like living with a stranger..he began to sleep on the couch..he ceased ALL daily communications with me and my children..My house ...became the ICYIEST hell..on earth..We never yelled..we never swore to eachother...BUT all emontional ties were completely severed..It was a VERY CRUEL way to have to live with children...for NO apparent reason.
I realized that i needed to preserve what lil sanity i had left...and get my kids outta the situation..it was ABUSE ..ON all of us..I relocated to a CoOp living arrangement..leaving with only my car and clothing for the kids /beds for all of us..But we started from SCRATCH...while he had his beautiful 200,000.oo home.
I found out 2 days later that he had went back to the secretary that he had originally left his wife for...I was dumbfounded...and hurt beyond all feelings..
**So the OTHER WOMAN...can have her cake & eat it too..even when it is...15 years stale , as in my case..She was responsible for breaking up 2 families..for one guy!! Whatever happened to Women being RESPONSIBLE to WOMEN..i mean we are SISTER'S. This is where i see the flaw..If Women cared MORE about WOMEN and preserving the family unit... we wouldn't be discussing this..I would NEVER knowingly become involved with a married man..I could never cause nor would want to be responsible for that kind of emontial devestation on his children & his wife..
**Maybe if WOMEN were TRUER to WOMEN..we would not have this kinda backstabbing, life altering situation** | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 10:20:46 AM | ^^^^So i suppose my input to the OP..is ..You should be ashamed of yourself for allowing yourself to be USED and ABUSED..(as you are..in a physical ,sexual and emontional nature) and how dare you come on here to ask advice?..You may as well call his wife and ask her? ..You & HIM are both pathetic..and in your case..you will get what comes around..I could go on...but i'll spare you...as you will BOTH suffer enough..EVENTUALLY..  | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 10:32:10 AM | | It sounds risky to me. You've fallen in love with him, and he may only be having the affair with you because it's exciting and it's variety from his marriage that may be going through dull times. I wouldn't trust him, really. If he's not led you to believe that he is serious about ending his marriage, he might just be stringing you along for some good times outside of his committment to her. I know it's difficult to get over things like that, but you might be better off if YOU do the breaking off with him, rather than finding out that he isn't in love with you afterall, and isn't leaving his wife. Good luck. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 11:04:49 AM | You should be ashamed of yourself for allowing yourself to be USED and ABUSED..(as you are..in a physical ,sexual and emontional nature) and how dare you come on here to ask advice?..You may as well call his wife and ask her? ..You & HIM are both pathetic..and in your case..you will get what comes around..
well said .
I cant stand Im the hurt party boo hoo for me , get a life and stop trying to take a man that is not yours. if you were so great why didnt he marry you?????????????????/ | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:30:50 PM | Have to admit that I haven't read the entire thread... so far I'm up to message 45, and I think I just spewed coffee all over the computer (metaphorically, but even so, it's left me with quite a mess).
LavendarKiss, in describing her stint as the "other woman", says:
I think that in some ways our relationship enhanced his marriage rather than taking away from it. We treasured our times together, and when we were apart we carried that love and inspiration into everything else we did in life, including our relationships with others. When we parted it was with regrets but on the best of terms and we are still friends.
Wow. Just wow. . . I hope your friend's wife knows that you're still friends, and that you two were long-time (seemingly) lovers.
As for the OP, I have to say I don't have a lot of sympathy. While your story could remind one of a movie subplot--some softly lit tragic tale of love, love lost, love regained but not quite, and so forth--in reality I don't think there's much chance that your man will leave his wife. And if he does, it likely won't work to your advantage. No, I'm afraid that if you really, really need his love, you should have stayed put as the other woman. NSA sex is better than nothing, right? Ah hah! even you see the flaw in that logic. Not to bar all those great open-minded people who've found happiness in polyamorous relationships, but for us who make up the masses of society, when we truly love someone we want it -- all or nothing. So, you chose to give your love that last sweet ultimatum of the desparate: leave her or I will not be with you. Good for you. In ending your affair, albeit for some, seemingly, narcissistic reasons, you may have done the most loving thing you could do: you've set him on a course where he can make his choice, unemcumbered by histrionics, or by his own self-sabotage (his on-going participation in an adulterous relationship).
There's pages to go, I know, and all of this has probably been said already, a thousand times better. Off I go to clean up all that coffee and spittle that hit my computer monitor when I heard such a casual depiction of the damage an affair usually causes, no matter whether the deceit of it is discovered quickly or lies dormant for years, rotting the very soil in which the rightful relationship was meant to grow and flourish.
If anything, OP, your experience is testament to why people should not remain such great friends with their exes. Where there has once been intimate space, there can so quickly be again. The past is passed, and the future is so much the clearer for not including a great deal of entanglement with an ex, if it can be at all avoided. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:41:46 PM | I am a wife in this situation right now.
1.u and he deserve eachother and after reading how nutz u r I hope he get u forever so his wife can have a better life
My hubby says it wasn't just his fault eveytime I say anything about it.
He can't see how he has shattered this family a 14 and 4yr old still home and he actually thinks I should feel badly on weeks he has to giive me more money to pay bills than he has left in his pocket 4 dating.
My children and I have had a summer home and I mean home no vacation not even money to go to the beach 4 a day.
Wile they go all over dinners atlantic city camping on the beach.
I'm, home cooking cleaning gardening no money 4 pool chemicals so they can't even go swimming.
And I have to keep smileing 4 my girls sake. Tonight were having beauty night.
I'm not looking 4 sympathy just giving u ****es a little picture of a broken family do u think his wife has done anything deserving of that kind of heartbreak or the kids?
22 years he just wanted another life we got married young so now he's single.
Well guess what? Its getting old to him now do u think that **stard is comming anywhere near me? NO he isn't sorry he still says well it wasn't just my fault like I let him get bored so I deserved that sack of bricks he hit me with when he told me he loved someokne else.
He really thinks he's charming me to tell me how good I look lol this guy has no clue
Good luck to ya as they say karma is a **** but so am I. I have no feelings left at all 4 him he's right where he belongs. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 12:57:25 PM | | Maybe his wife will find out and divorce him and let you have him. Then after he marries you she can be the other woman and sleep with him. How will that make you feel? If he cheats on his wife with you what makes you think that if he was with you he wouldnt also cheat on you? You need to just stay away from him and let him decide on his own what to do. As hard as it may be. You want him to come to you on his own so that he might be yours forever when he does. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 1:14:43 PM | Ok bottom line is cheaters will always be cheaters.
Rule one if he's lying to his wife and cheating on her he's cheating on you. He will probibly soon enough trade you in for a younger cheatee. And if by some act of god he does leave her (more than likely she finds out and boots him) your his gullible go to girl. He'll be with you and all the others and be trying to get back with her.
Let me tell you a story.
I was dating this girl. She had a male roommate. They got drunk and had sex. The only reason why I knew was because she thought she was pregnent. I asked her if I was the father when she told me. She answered no. Stupid me, I took the girl back. One weekend she was acting real screwy and secretive so I did some investigating by asking her friend what was going on. Her friend told me she spent the weekend, day and night, at her ex bf's house. And also that Friday night she was out with a different man at a bar holding hands and kissing. I called her on it. At first she tried to deny it. It was actually kind of funny seeing her stories change repeatedly. We will not date again.
From my example cheaters will always cheat. They even cheat on the cheatee. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 1:31:42 PM | | I hate to say this...but I have always been the wife the husband cheated on...really not very good...all i can tell you that I would have walked once you started to turn in his direction...for as you see if he would have wanted you he would have waited for you to marry you like you said in your letter...you would have waited but apparently it was not the way he did things ...which kind of tells you where he wanted you in all this...he married someone else and there are no exceptions...he did what he wanted to do and he married the other lady ...abd for sure by then I would have walked...so if you think so little of yourself when in all that time you waisted playing around with him you realy might have found a man who would have been for you...life is short...you know that and it is precious ...you did what you wanted to do and you knew your options...so why make it harder on yourself...just be done and close the door you have already waisted more time than I would care too...fre' | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/25/2008 2:19:01 PM | Breath of fresh air:
I had a love in high school that never faded.... we both went two different directions, both married others....when he got divorced, he called me, but I was married, so nothing happened. Many years later my marriage broke up, so I looked him up, and he had just gotten married again....I saw him for lunch, the chemistry was still there, but there was one big issue---he was now newly married! So I went on with my life....Then he contacts me and says to me he wants me to be his mistress!! I couldn't believe what I heard...he was serious about it...the person I thought he was (one of integrity, honor, morals) was not who he really was. He really turned out to be like you and your friend---a cheater!! I'm so glad I valued his marriage and myself more than he did. His wife will never know, but God will and I will...and it's so true about Karma...do unto others as you want done to you, even when no one is looking...
Respect his wife and the institution of marriage, even if he doesn't...even tho you haven't been respecting them, you can start NOW! | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:03:02 PM | Miashakti:
"Maybe this could tell us more about reality, than about the fairy tale?"
Nope, you've got it all a$$-backwards. Those who cheat and betray their spouses have foolish notions of what marriage and commitment are. They think marriage should be all sunshine and roses, kittens and lollipops; one big never-ending passionate honeymoon.........and the minute "real life" comes into play, instead of doing the work, making the compromise, opening up the lines of communication -- and realizing a marriage is something you work at each and every day............and there will be good days and bad days and days you want to run away and days you don't feel loved and days you feel angry...................but that is reality...............well instead of realizing all that, they selfishly look to see if the grass is greener on the other side. It all comes from selfishness and putting their wants and needs above that of their spouse's/the marriage.
But hey, it's easy to cheat but not so easy to do the work that's needed to maintain and repair a failing marriage. Sad. What's more sad is that there are people out there (counsellor-types) who fill the heads of those who are struggling in their marriage (struggling with the thought of cheating) with new-age airy-fairy, hocus-pocus, mumbo-jumbo that centers around the misguided belief that "if it feels good, do it." | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:33:04 PM | | I'm sure there are two sides of every story but you must see that you are asking for everything you're getting. THREE of my exes cheated on me and the time spent in those relationships literally wasted away my child bearing years. This may not be the case with his wife but If you MUST persist, give her the option of making up her own mind instead of carrying on blindly with her marriage. TELL HER. Step up to plate god damn it and develope a back bone. She may leave or she may stay and fight for him but what ever the outcome, you have given her the right to choose what she does with her life. Surely even you have a conscience and a duty of care to your fellow man. I wonder if you have the humanity........... I doubt it but just maybe........you might do the right thing. I hope so. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/26/2008 11:50:10 PM |
I must ask in all sincerity...Why?...Why respect an institution or a government, or a religion, or anything that doesn't work...that isn't working?
Why not look for what might work better and bring that into being...
All of this sentimentalism over a dying paradigm doesn't make much sense to me...
maybe you haven't had any experience with a happy healthy marriage? I don't believe it's a dying paradigm at all. The people who enjoy these relationships aren't here in this forum and they're certainly not there in your counselling office but they do exist. I know a lot of them and wish I'd been one of the lucky ones.
Just because someone is upset (angry, bitter, whatever) because of a cheating spouse doesn't mean they are interested in changing their core values & beliefs. There are still entitled to respect whatever institution of marriage (religion, whatever) that they choose. Just because my ex changed his mind about what marriage meant to him doesn't mean that I have to drop my values as well.
The cheater is a better bet - that's the guy/gal who will buy into the free and easy polypartner lifestyle - after all they've already taken the first step(s).
Come on, if someone robbed your house would you change your values and beliefs to that of a thief and become a thief yourself because it's too much effort to protect your home from thieves? ...there's so much theft in the world that we should all open our doors so everyone can help themselves as they please... we'll all be much happier sharing everything with everybody .... locks are a dying paradigm because lots of people don't respect them anyway so let's just do away with them and be more open, enlightened.... | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/27/2008 1:14:56 AM | Rocinante, very well put. I have just one thing to add.
The reason why we RESPECT these institutions is to respect the people that stand by them even if you don't.
I'm not a believer in organized religion but I still respect the followers and thier beliefs. I really think its hard for marriage to work in this day and age and probibly won't get married myself but I won't persue a married woman out of respect for her husband and family. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/27/2008 2:49:14 PM | But hey, it's easy to cheat but not so easy to do the work that's needed to maintain and repair a failing marriage. Sad. What's more sad is that there are people out there (counsellor-types) who fill the heads of those who are struggling in their marriage (struggling with the thought of cheating) with new-age airy-fairy, hocus-pocus, mumbo-jumbo that centers around the misguided belief that "if it feels good, do it."
This is so true. The last 4 posts are very good, and I'm glad to see that others have some morals, and realistic pov's. Why even take those vows, if you don't think it is going to work? If all you are expecting is to be cheated on, why would you even enter a relationship? Just say, I will never be faithful. Or if you expect me to be faithful, aren't you in for a surprise. Basically, if you are looking for monogamous love, don't count on me.
When I wasn't interested in developing a ltr, I was upfront about it. When I am, I also state that. You don't have to hurt people, just be honest in what you really want. | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:13:34 PM | | My ex-husband left me and married the other woman. I think she was foolish to marry him, especially since I got a very good divorce settlement. I heard it from a very good source that she's very jealous and gets angry if my name is mentioned. I don't want my ex back, so she's got no worries or competition from my end. But, what it tells me is that the other woman can never truly feel secure trying to establish a life with a man who cheated with her on his wife. Do you really want to lower your standards ? | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:19:32 PM | I was the the wife of the cheating husband. By the time I found her in our bedroom, my mental and physical health was a wreck. I later learned that they had been seeing each other for FOUR years. Coincidentily, it was during those last four years that my health problems worsened. But, there's a bright side.
I've been divorced for four years now. The four years of alimony that I received allowed me work only part-time and get my health back. I look and feel better than I've looked in 15 years. NOW...I'm healthy AND happy. A cheating husband does a lot of damange, emotionally and financially. These men are cowards. Who would want to be married to a guy like that ? | |
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| The Other Woman speaks
Posted: 7/27/2008 4:26:39 PM | Dear Angel Eyes
I don't know if you've ever been married or not, but your theory that a husband can't be seduced unless he wants to cheat on his wife, it much too simple-minded.
Every marriage is vulnerable to damage from a third party, which is why the person who is the third party needs back off and not intrude. The other woman becomes a collaborator in the final destruction of the marriage. Truly bad marriages end on their own. Terrific, great marriages are very rare. If the marriage is that god-awful bad let it end on its own, please. I just don't understand why a woman would want a man who was so weak that he couldn't handle the responsibilities and pressures of being a husband. | |
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