| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:04:36 AM |
Carol is not that into Bob- and is in fact kind of lukewarm about the entire thing.
Bob, being the observant sort of guy that he is, decides to cut his losses with Carol.
He breaks the relationship even though he actually wants it to keep going.
This throws Carol into a tailspin as she was under the impression that SHE was the one who didn't want the relationship. So the rug is pulled out from under her.
Um, wait a minute: "Carol is... kind of lukewarm about the entire thing".
So he ends it, because even though he wants to "keep going" he probably realizes from the "vibe" she is giving that she isn't interested.
And it throws her into a "tailspin", even though "SHE" "didn't want a relationship."
Its a cruel tactic of a bad strategy.
People who are pre-emptively dumped should thank their lucky stars that they got out before they got to enmeshed in the relationship
How on earth is she getting "enmeshed" in a relationship that she didn't want anyways?? If she didn't want it, why was she even in it, what was she waiting for if not for him to end it?
Sorry, OP, but it seems to me that "Carol" was the one more guilty of being "not rational" and employing a "cruel tactic of a bad strategy" for stringing this guy along in a relationship she didn't even want in the first place.
"Gee, I don't really want a relationship with you, but I'm more than willing to string you along, let you take me out on dates and buy me dinner, even though I don't want you."
People cut their losses when things aren't going their way. They see that they don't have the upper hand in the relationship and decide to bail.
Interesting comment, since from what you posted "Bob" really wanted the relationship, and "Carol" didn't - but was willing to string him along - so who really had the "upper hand" in the relationship? Sounds more to me, from your example OP, that "Carol" is upset because *she* lost the "upper hand" in the relationship because "Bob" decided to bail.
Methinks "Carol" might need to take a long hard look at herself as to why she would be so upset at losing a relationship that she didn't even want in the first place? | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:17:11 AM | Never did the pre-emptive strike, when I have been into the girl and she obviously wasn't into me, I just kind of drifted off, focused elsewhere, and in one case she came around asking what happened to me, suddenly she wasn't getting the attention. In another case I guess that was fine with her and we just didn't see each other anymore. Noone I've ever met is worth my total devotion without the same in return. There are way, way too many single women out there to settle for anything else.
And I thought it was Mike and Carol, and Sam and Alice? | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 6:28:49 AM | | Virgilskid, no silly, Mike and Carol were the Brady Bunch! ;) | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 9:29:52 AM | Got to agree with forums1 msg #26 on this one.
Even though "Carol" may not be into "Mike", and Mike is into Carol, if Mike had any self-respect for himself, he wouldn't be with a person who didn't really want to be with him, and end it. It really should be Carol to end it IMO, she's not reciprocating the feelings, and should let Mike know.
Another aspect would be how Mike ends it. If he does it in a mature manner, then I don't think his intention is to "pull the rug out from under her", if he does it with drama and vindictiveness, that may be a case for "pull the rug out from under her". In either case, Mike would be showing that he had more self-respect for himself than someone who just kept plodding along in a one-sided relationship.
The operative words here are reciprocation and self-respect. | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:20:25 PM | | I don't know if this counts, but I have made sure guys didn't want me. For example, say I meet a guy online and start talking to him. He is giving me creepy vibes and showing some controlling behavior. I will show up at the coffee date not looking my best. I won't wear make-up, dress down, and the guy will give me the "you're a nice girl speech." I leave feeling relieved, because I did not want to have to deal with the nut. | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:34:39 PM | I don't understand what's "devious" about it. Or anything else. You said yourself, it's "cutting your losses." If I sense someone's not interested in me, I am not going to waste anymore of my time with them. It's really that simple, no matter how much more complicated you want to make it.
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The thing is Yallready, how does Bob really know "she isn't in to him" unless she says so, dumps him, etc. Normally guys like Bob and I are happy to go along on each date for as long as we can, until one day SURPRISE BOB, "I'm not really into you". See the broken hearts forum, ask any one of those broken hearts if they would have dumped the other person first, never in a million years. We are blinded by love. Thats the problem with this theory above.
Well, I think OP implies Bob gets some gratification out of doing this to confuse carol. Otherwise, the poster who said "how can you break up when you aren't serious" made an excellent point. | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 3:49:50 PM | Well, apparently "bob" realizes that she's not that into him. Maybe he's not quite so oblivious.
I generally know when someone isn't really interested in me. There's a difference between someone who has a real interest and someone who is just killing time.
If you pay attention to certain little things, you will learn how to tell when someone is truly interested and when they are just using you as a fill-in until something better comes along. | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:26:46 PM | The thing is Yallready, how does Bob really know "she isn't in to him" unless she says so, dumps him, etc.
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Sometimes you just know. | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:16:15 PM |
It's a power play- no matter how you want to describe it, the person doing the pre-emptive strike is trying to control the situation. Exactly.
Sort of cutting off the nose to spite the face. Agreed.
People cut their losses when things aren't going their way. They see that they don't have the upper hand in the relationship and decide to bail. And how much of the "foresight" is actually a self-fulfilled prophecy.. ?
Has anyone done this and would admit it? Yup.. I've done it... had it done to me too...
But I think that when someone is able to be open and honest, it cuts down on all of that game playing... | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 6/2/2008 8:30:02 PM | Sounds to me like both Bob and Carol were playing games, and in the end nobody was getting anywhere.
Did anyone else but me see that episode of Seinfeld where George was convinced he needed to get "hand" to lead the relationship? Funny where that ended him up, eh?  | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 7/16/2008 5:40:49 AM | | Sure, I've had it happen. It's mostly something that happens with younger couples. I haven't experienced this in years, but I remember being a little hurt by it one week and feeling perfectly fine the next. In the end, you are right: when this happens, the other person really did do you a favor. Now, you can find someone that is truly worthy of your time. | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 7/16/2008 5:04:34 PM | Still trying to comprehend here how "Bob", being the "observant type of guy he is", deciding to "cut his losses" with a woman that obviously (him being observant?) isn't into him (ie, she's "lukewarm" about it, she "didnt' really want the relationship", "Carol is not that into Bob")...
... somehow is "devious", "manipulative/deceptive", and employing a "cruel tactic"???
Wait, wait... he *wanted* the relationship, but when he realized that she really didn't, he ended it. Why, oh why, is he the "bad guy"?
I don't get that at all. In fact, it sounds more to me like *she* was perfectly happy stringing him along even though *she* really wasn't interested... who is more in the wrong in that situation?? | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 7/16/2008 6:59:04 PM | Well forums1, my take on this is that the people agreeing with the OP feel that Bob should have told Carol that he felt she wasn't into him so they could talk things out and part on equal footing.
Frankly, if someone isn’t really interested in me I will remove myself from the equati0n. It has nothing to do with manipulation. It has everything to do with not wasting my time and his. Why stay where I’m not wanted? | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 7/16/2008 10:04:16 PM | ^ Agreed 100% Bug, I was presuming that either they've talked about it, or just the communication isn't there at all (which might come with Carol "not being interested anyways")...
If a person is used to receiving a lot of attention from men/women and then suddenly they meet someone who is nonchalant about the entire thing- it throws their self perception off. They are desperate to regain control and this is how the deal with it.
Sort of cutting off the nose to spite the face.
People cut their losses when things aren't going their way. They see that they don't have the upper hand in the relationship and decide to bail.
But I don't get that at all - there *is* a difference I suppose between "nonchalant" and plain old "not interested", and I agree, why stay in a relationship (or an attempt at one) where even if you want it to be more, its plain the other person isn't interested?
And this nonsense about "desperate to regain control" and "not having the upper hand"... um, if you *end* the relationship and *leave* - how is that "regaining control/upper hand"? I mean when its over, there's no control on either side, is there?
I guess you could say "regaining control over your own heart" - but, that would be in effect saying he gave her control of his heart, and she wasn't responding... taking back yourself, maybe - but leaving doesn't usually gain control over anything outside yourself. | |
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| The Pre-Emptive Strike
Posted: 7/17/2008 12:59:57 AM | Ok we've got the 1,000,001 "how dare they do this to me" rant. Heres your prize. A nice helping of grow up.
Sounds like more than anything Carol had her ego hurt. I bet the phrase, "how dare he break up with me. Who does he think he is." Or some words or thoughts along that line.
Its not a power struggle. If Carol thinks its a power struggle I feel sorry for her. She has a real immature look on life.
In my experience I was living with a woman for 2 yrs. I tried to work on some problems. I say I in all fairness she was very stubborn wouldn't admit any fault or try to work on anything. The fights were constent and neverending. Well I had been friends with this woman for some time before being in a relationship with her and I wanted to salvage our friendship and I could see where it was going. So I made the decision a good breakup was better than a bad breakup. I cut it off with her. I wasn't happy but I liked her as a person I just didn't love her. | |
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