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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:22:17 PM |
If I can't find a committed long-term relationship with one person who seems to meet all these needs - why shouldn't I have one partner for sex, one for intellectual stimulation, one who understands my emotions, one who likes the same hobbies and pastimes as me, and so on? (Obviously, not all of these partners need to be of the opposite sex.)
I think your concept is flawed, but if it works for you...here's a following scenario that might suit your needs:
1. one partner for sex (Obviously, not all of these partners need to be of the opposite sex.)......Ok your leaving yourself pretty open..if you swing both ways you might find it leads to a higher risk of contracting a disease....JMO
2. one for intellectual stimulation........scan the libraries, probably the arts /literature section.
3. one who understands my emotions.....date a psychiatrist
4.one who likes the same hobbies and pastimes as me.....join an adventurers club.
^^^^^^^^ This sounds like too much trouble.....especially hard on to the hip pocket meeting all these people.
I prefer to date one person....regardless if she doesn't meet all my needs.....nobody in this world is perfect and neither am I | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:34:51 PM | It's called the 80/20 rule. It applies to almost every area of life- business, relationships, etc.
Go rent "Why did I get married" by Tyler Perry. It will explain it to you.
The sad part is... your marriage of 22 years was probably fulfilling 80% (maybe not, I dont really know for sure)... watch the movie and answer that question for yourself I guess.
But the whole point of it is: don't throw away the 80% of your needs that are being met to go chase the 20% that arent. No one person can fulfill all your needs, but if you can find a partner who meets 80% (or so), then appreciate it!!! And meet the other 20% through friends, family, volunteering, etc. (obviously sex is the only thing here that this rule doesnt really work for... although in a good relationship you should be able to communicate about these things and work on them) | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 2:53:06 PM | Well, this 80/20 rule I think does add some perspective to the discussion. Not sure how you would quantify these things, but I think when the marriage ended I was getting closer to 20/80 of what I wanted/needed. As early as five years into the marriage, I confided to a close friend that my husband was a good man ... but maybe not the right man - for me.
And you do try to find other outlets (clubs, hobbies, friendships) to satisfy the other needs while hanging on to the marriage. But one day you realize you're married to someone you no longer feel anything for or have anything in common with. Most of you "divorced after long marriage/stayed together for the kids" people will know what I mean. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:00:02 PM | I agree with you, Royal Pain.
Somewhere along the way people have aquired the bizarre idea couples are supposed to do all sorts of things together and have similar views on everything. Relationships were never like that.
Men did "man things" and women did "woman things". Couples never did a lot of activities together or thought the same way because they were not exposed to the same things.
Now that we have equality men and woman have a choice. That results in a man possibly meeting a woman who may do things which are usually associated with men or a woman meeting a man who enjoys things associated with women. That results in having friends of the opposite sex.
The problems arise when, for example, a woman questions her man about his association with another woman.
"Why are you seeing another woman? Am I not enough for you?"
The man is seeing the other woman in the context of a friend, not in the context of a woman. Because men and women are often involved in the same things it's natural for people to have friendships with members of the opposite sex. It's not natural or even likely for two people to be compatible over a broad range of activities/views.
That is why sex is so important to a romantic relationship. That is where compatibility is vital. A couple must be in complete harmony, otherwise, affairs occur.
The strange thing is the importance of sex is often dismissed. Comments like "if we are compatible in other things sex will naturally fall into place" make absolutely no sense. Men were compatible with men and women with women throughout history but they were not all engaging in sex. Compatibility in activities and views had nothing to do with ones sexual attraction, in most cases. 
I believe the current way of thinking, seeking a partner based on compatibilities other than sex, results in relationships not lasting. Those relationships are based on things that change. There isn't a "chemistry" connection.
Hopefully, one does not get more satisfaction from playing golf than having sex or the discussion of political views than sex so sex is what bonds the two people. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:01:53 PM | just trying to figure out the logic here? Common, are you serious?
If I can't find a committed long-term relationship with one person who seems to meet all these needs
All I am reading is about YOU YOU YOU and YOU. So it does not surpize me to read that none of them ("serious" couplings) as you put it boded well as you put it.
You do not mention what you have to offer them or what any of thier need were or what you have to bring to the table.
I've had several "serious" couplings since my marriage and none of them boded well for all of the dimensions I've mentioned.
Well of course not, knowone is ever going to be your fairytailed cookie cutter version of your perfect mate. At your age you should aready know this Valuble peice of info. Having a partner for life is about loving them because of who they are.
With true love comes Sacrafice and compromise, not your own little fantasies
BadBoy thinks The best way to find your perfect match is to meet love halfway....
JMBBO
BadBoy~ | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:20:36 PM | I don't think there is one person that can meet all of one other person's needs.
Be content with yourself first, then it may make it better for you to find someone that is more suited for you. Just a thought. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:34:05 PM | | It is irrational to expect another person to meet ALL your needs. We look for someone who meets our most important needs for a partnership. Common values and some common interests. We look to understand and respect one another. We look for someone with all of those important qualities who is willing to make room for us in their lives, as we must make room for them. ...room to develop our individuality within a loving and supportive commitment. It's important to know and be picky about what is MOST important to you. It is not important that someone meet all your needs. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:38:41 PM | I think if you get into any relationship, more concerned with getting your needs met than you are about simply offsetting each other's weaknesses and utilizing each other's strengths, you are bound to face disappointment. Committed, long-term relationships aren't supposed to be about just "getting our needs met". They're supposed to be about growing together with someone you love and admire and being as concerned with their wants and needs as you are with your own.
Your needs and your wants are two entirely different things. You "need" to eat, have water and to be safe from the earth's elements. You "want" to have intellectually stimulating conversations. So you aren't even talking about "getting your needs met". You are talking about another human being fulfilling both your wants and your needs and that is not even reasonable.
It needs to be said that in this age of narcissistic programming, good self-esteem is not thinking that because one exists, one is "entitled" to either (a) have someone else catering to all your wants and needs (including at the expense of their own or, (b) fill your life up with each person having a specially designated purpose in your list of needs and wants. If you can't find one person who fulfills all your wants and needs it's because no one else is supposed to! The third option over (a) and (b) is to be someone who is just as attentive to her partner's wants and needs as she is to her own and to look at the decent activities that can meet some of the stuff on the wants list. That's what MOST of us do. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:45:35 PM | I truly think that the OP is just looking for approval to be a player and cheat. I seriously doubt that if he dated these separate women, that supposedly only full-fill the separate needs, that he would TELL them that he is dating the other women too.
Think that he really would only have sex with just one?
Will he tell the other women he is doing this?
One poster also made a good point. At no point was the word love mentioned.
How can you be happy in a loveless relationship?? | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:48:38 PM | I think most people have what you are talking about when they are in successful relationships because no one should be expected to be anything and everything to someone. I think, however, that most people have some qualities that they must have, such as intellectual stimulation and sex while the others may be more negotiable.
You figure out what is acceptable to you and that helps you to find the woman that you can live with. It may not be perfect but it can be pretty damned close. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 3:59:04 PM | All I am reading is about YOU YOU YOU and YOU. So it does not surpize me to read that none of them ("serious" couplings) as you put it boded well as you put it.
You do not mention what you have to offer them or what any of thier need were or what you have to bring to the table.
Sounds like a black hole of need to me. Smother 'em with your neediness, suck 'em through a straw, depend on them for your every whim/desire/ego stroking/pastime/entertainment/orgasm/housekeeping need. Why not just hire yourself a maid, personal psychologist, gigilo, golf buddy, and travel companion? It doesn't sound to me like you want someone to love; sounds like you want a servant. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:03:17 PM | | OMG. No one person is ever going to fill my perfect 'laundry list'. That person does not exist, except in fairy tales. NO ONE is perfect, including myself. You were married for 22 years. Did he meet every single perfect ideal of yours? I think not. It's all about compromise and deciding what you can / will put up with in a relationship (the give and take if you will). | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:09:30 PM | I couldn't be botjhered to read the entire post, I'm sun burned from washing my car all day...in the heat and sun...I love summer but I hate sun burns, on my head especially.
Anyways, no kidding you'll never find anyone to meet all your needs. LOL
That is why we are social creatures and is partially what has allowed us to reach the kind of success our species has. We rely on each other. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:14:45 PM | In the same way that it takes a village to raise a child, It takes many people to provide a fulfilling life. We have friends, co-workers, lovers, exs, bosses, subordinates, family, professionals (plumber, doctor, shrink, etc) neighbors, club/church members, fellow hobbyists, and others. And we're constantly adding more as others fade away or move away or pass away.
I think its a terrible mistake to look to only one person for all or even most of your needs.
IMHO this issue borders on the problem with having controlling people in your life. In that a controlling person will often try to limit how many other people are involved in your life. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:28:12 PM |
In the same way that it takes a village to raise a child, It takes many people to provide a fulfilling life. We have friends, co-workers, lovers, exs, bosses, subordinates, family, professionals (plumber, doctor, shrink, etc) neighbors, club/church members, fellow hobbyists, and others. And we're constantly adding more as others fade away or move away or pass away.
I think its a terrible mistake to look to only one person for all or even most of your needs.
IMHO this issue borders on the problem with having controlling people in your life. In that a controlling person will often try to limit how many other people are involved in your life.
I think you missed the entire point of the original post. I heard the :::whooshing::: sound myself.
If I can't find a committed long-term relationship with one person who seems to meet all these needs - why shouldn't I have one partner for sex, one for intellectual stimulation, one who understands my emotions, one who likes the same hobbies and pastimes as me, and so on?
The OP is asking for validation of her attempt to justify cheating. If she were talking about having a committed relationship while also having friends to hang out with, we wouldn't have this thread. Think about it. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:33:33 PM | (Msg 35) I truly think that the OP is just looking for approval to be a player and cheat. I seriously doubt that if he dated these separate women, that supposedly only full-fill the separate needs, that he would TELL them that he is dating the other women too.
The OP is a "she", not a "he".
It seems a few posters are dumping on the OP when all she has done is ask a question which was, "If I can't find a committed long-term relationship with one person who seems to meet all these needs - why shouldn't I have one partner for sex, one for intellectual stimulation, one who understands my emotions, one who likes the same hobbies and pastimes as me, and so on?"
That's what people did in the past. They had one partner for romance and a number of "partners" for other activities. A person might have a golfing partner and a hunting partner and a shopping partner and, sometimes, a partner at work. The problem, today, is many people seek a partner who will fulfill all those rolls so they never find that "special one".
EDIT: Msg 41
The OP is asking for validation of her attempt to justify cheating. If she were talking about having a committed relationship while also having friends to hang out with, we wouldn't have this thread. Think about it.
The OP made it quite clear. "why shouldn't I have ONE partner for sex,...." I didn't hear any :::whooshing::: sound. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:36:14 PM | she said "why shouldn't I have one partner for sex, one for intellectual stimulation, one who understands my emotions, one who likes the same hobbies and pastimes as me, and so on?"
.. no where did she say multiple sex partners.. she said ONE partner for sex..she is just asking if she can classify why that person is in her life..YES... they are called friends...and some people don't think we can be friends with the opposite sex.. and that is a very big issue with society..they think if we are seen with someone of the opposite sex then we are sleeping with them..give me a break.. if that is the case...well..who knows who I would be hanging out with... | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:48:13 PM | RoyalPain - You go girl! Hell women are age should be able to do what you are suggesting because we ain't got nuttin to lose. The only thing is how the hell would you be able to keep all those guys on track? I know when you get 50 and older the mind starts to go. Please be sure you put down on the computer who is who and then remember to look it up when you are going out with one of them.
Good Luck
ME | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:54:57 PM | I'd limit what I look for in a person to a few qualities:
I like my man noble (not fussy-petty-cowardly-meek).
Next, he has to be a decision maker. Nothing like *um...whatever you want...it's fine with me...you're the lady, you pick where we're dining...*.
He has to be my type looks-wise.
He has to dig me..like my body, laugh, sense of humor, lips...love making ...
Right, tacu. (RoyalPain). Like that is going to happen...:)
I am a serial monogamist, though, i can't focus on more than one person at a time. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 4:59:21 PM | I don't believe that any one person can meet all of the needs of another. That is a fallacy and probably is a cause for a lot of divorces because people look to others to meet their needs and dang I can't even meet all of my own needs how can I meet someone else's.
I think the best secnario is when we can mutually meet the needs of our partner in the area of partnership, lover, friend.. but there are needs that I have that a man can never fullfill. That is why I have my relationship with God, my relationship with my women friends and co-workers and why most importantly I have a relationship with myself.
When I have a mate it will be because I allow them to partner with me in life to enjoy life.. not to meet my needs... I can do that without a partner. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 5:41:47 PM | How about meeting your OWN "needs," and finding someone you WANT to be with?
I don't expect anyone to "meet all my needs," and the only people whose needs I've felt the need to meet 100% were my children, when they were infants. I'm not helpless, I can meet most of my own needs. I want to be with someone who fulfills my wants, not my needs. I want to fulfill his "wants" too. Someone who has too many "needs" is too dependent on someone else to take on.
My ex married me thinking I was going to Make Him Happy. I never could make him understand that if you aren't a happy person in the first place, no other person is going to be able to make you happy.
Just the same, one person can never "meet all the needs" of another person. We have to try to meet our own needs...if we find someone who can help us, and adds something to our lives, then that's icing on the cake. Expecting one person to meet all your needs is putting too much responsibility on that person, it'll never work, because they are being set up to "fail." | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 6:15:07 PM | | Monogomy is not for everyone. I know monogomous people will tell you it's the only way but I know several polyamorous families that are very happy with the way they live. I'm not a monogomous person either and don't intend to be. If you feel that isn't in your best interest, then perhaps you should look to other relationship forms. Contrary to our little culture here, there are other relationship models that have been succesful. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:04:35 PM | | ^^^ Thanks for the suggestion, but I'm really not into polyamory. I'd like nothing better than to have a satisfying LTR. The problem is I'm not having much luck finding one. And contrary to what people have read into my words, I'm not looking for multiple sex partners. But I am starting to think I might need one sex partner and some close relationships with men and women that satisfy some of the other areas I want satisfied. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:25:10 PM | The older we get, the wiser and pickier we are!
why shouldn't I have one partner for sex, one for intellectual stimulation, one who understands my emotions,
Social research suggests we are attracted to the physical when we are younger,
and then to more emotional...spiritual things. Kind of a no-brain-er...I suppose.
But I definitely think that as I get older sex just doesn't matter as much without the emotional component?
I think Doctor Frankenstein was on to something...the brain from one...the heart from another..and don't forget this guy | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:26:54 PM |
But I am starting to think I might need one sex partner and some close relationships with men and women that satisfy some of the other areas I want satisfied.
That sounds like having a relationship and friends too, which is pretty normal IMO.
The problem with having one "partner" for sex, another for emotional needs, another for intellectual stimulation....etc....in the way you described in your OP, is that, in my experience at least, emotional and intellectual (and sexual) fulfillment between two people is intensified in the intimacy created by exclusive commitment--knowledge that they "belong" to each other and are accepted (for all their imperfections) by each other. I can't imagine being able to trust in that kind of intimacy with someone if they had other women in their lives, at equal status to me in their lives, for the fulfillment of other "needs." That couldnt' be a safe place for me.....thus it couldn't be a place of intimacy (even if we were sleeping together). | |
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