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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:22:44 PM | | what about sharing, relationships should be about sharing and complimenting each other. Expecting someone to meet all of ones needs is selfish and i think you should develop interests that would satisfy you interlect like learning to play an instrument or some form of research, employment for your finincial needs and so on so when you meet a partner it wont be about him meeting your needs but about two people giving and recieving and basically sharing their lives and interest and in some way try to compromise on the deficits in each other lives by compromise | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:22:54 PM | | I waited a while to comment because I thought it would be one long list of posts with people agreeing with you. I'm really surprised at all the opposition. I mean we are all here. Probably because we haven't found 'the one.' I think the only realistic thing to do is fill your life with as many people as it takes to make you feel satisfied. We only get one time round. Does it make sense to be alone waiting when it could be years before you find someone? One post said we will never have true satisfaction until we find one person who fulfills all of our desires. I sure hope that is not true. I didn't hear the op insulting any past partners. I just heard her expressing her lack of luck in finding a suitable one. I didn't get the feeling she was cheating on anyone or was even suggesting it. As long as you are being honest with everyone, I can't see the harm in you living your life the way you see fit. Good luck in finding everything you are looking for. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/2/2008 5:55:14 PM | | One question you haven't addressed is why you need OPPOSITE sexed people to fulfill your non-sexual needs regarding intellectual stimulation, emotional support, etc. Why not marry the "sex person" and have men for the rest? No controversy in that... There's really no controversy in having women fulfill the non-sexual needs either - it only gets "sticky" if your spouse isn't the one fulfilling your sexual needs....just playing devil's advocate here. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/3/2008 1:11:31 AM | I want a billion dollars and I wont take a job until I get one that gives me a billion dollars; I dont want to settle; oh brother; this I dont want to settle bull crap is about being self absorbed and too high maintenance. No one is perfect and to shock many of you that say this, you are not anyones perfect catch either.
You should never need anyone emotionally; you want them. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/3/2008 1:40:40 PM | | carlisle: one chooses to compromise. i do not agree with you that i need to compromise or die a lonely old peron. the thought depresses me. we have our children, our family, our friends, our pets, neighbors , etc ....... i will never compromise !!!!!! too many fish in the sea to compromise !!!!! | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/3/2008 2:01:55 PM | OP,
I'm still not understanding how when you couldn't make a relatively normal 2-person marriage work, you're going to somehow make a union between 5 or more people succeed. How are you going to find these people? How are you going to explain to them that your needs are primary, but when you're "satisfied", they can feel free to do what they want with each other? What makes you think they'll accept these conditions of yours?This is beginning to sound like a politician's utopian speech, all feel good blather with no informational substance. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/5/2008 9:43:28 AM | | My mother says to you, who is single, because her husband died several years ago: "Tell her that she's 46, damn well near your own age, I manage to hold down a full time, nursing executive position, am currently going to school on a full-time basis, manage a 100 acre farm, have three dogs, two cats, make time for friends and spend time with my family, I stimulate my mind, I take care of any sexual needs I have, I'm financially secure... I am ashamed and disgusted that a woman in this day and age would write something like that and would indicate that the only way to meet her needs is by someone else fulfilling that obligation. Get off your ass and figure it out for yourself. It just floors me. I could see a man saying this, and I really did think it was a man until my daughter told me it was a woman. And I just thought 'this is why women get a bad name of being needy'. I hope I have instilled in my daughter the need and the satisfaction in being self-sufficient, not requiring a partner to feel completed, and having and being happy in her own identity rather than identifying herself by who she's with and being absorbed by him." | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:15:35 PM | OP, you have 20 years on me, and yet I agree with you. Although I do agree with some of the other members as well.
I won't say that I'm picky, but I have found that trying to find a mate that matches EXACTLY what I am looking for, is like looking for a diamond in the desert.
I think you should stick to your guns in looking for a mate, however what needs you have now, are the reason God invented friends! I have girl and guy friends to chat with, to hear my problems and offer advice, to share my joys, and pick me up when I fall. I have friends that I enjoy my activities with, like working on the cars/trucks, horseback riding, roping, fishing, farming, and working.
As far as sex goes, I'm a little old fashioned in that aspect, although it seems society has opened its arms to friends with benefits, I believe sex is still sacred, and prefer to keep it that way... In your world, things may be different.
I do agree with you, that in older times, people weren't looking for so much as they are now. Back then, ladies did less in the workplace, and were at home raising the family and taking care of the man and his castle; while the man was out working to support his wife and children. Now in society, it takes two incomes to support even just a single married couple with no children. I do think that people were more willing to accept differences and overlook certain things to stay together, than the people of today. It seems that packing up and leaving, is a much easier option than counseling and compromising...
So, my advice? Keep your friends, and don't change what you are looking for! I believe somewhere I have a mate who IS everything I want, and a bag of chips. Somewhere yours is hiding as well, and when the time is right for the both of you, things will come into focus!
CowTrucker
Chapman, Kansas | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:45:37 PM |
Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
That means you're on the right track. You are a whole individual and do not need someone to "complete" you. Rather, you need someone who will complement you. They will probably meet most of your needs, but no one person can meet ALL of them.
Certainly in our parents' and grandparents' generations, people didn't expect spouses to be superbly able to meet all sexual, emotional, companionable, financial, intellectual and security needs. Most people got maybe two or three of those areas met, and stayed in the relationship, supplementing it with friends and extended family as well as community/church activities.
And they were happy, well-rounded individuals. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:33:03 PM | Janet4ever said it best: "I don't think a spouse is supposed to fulfill all our needs. We have girlfriends, family and friends that fill in the gaps..."
From everything I have read about being a healthy, well-balanced person, that person is aware that no one other person could possibly be able to fulfill all ones needs. To expect that is irrational and slightly immature.
There are so many relationships that we form in our life....friendships, family relationships, work relationships, romantic relationships....and each one fulfills a specific "need" we may have. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:39:00 PM | Well, I think your argument is pretty lame. I can tell you right now you wouldn't meet all of anyone elses needs either. To justify having multiple partners to make up the perfect person is pretty self absorbed and selfish. Its not all about you, but your needs seem to be all that matters. Good luck with that.
This guy hit the nail on the head, in post number two I think. The whole thread coudl have ended after that.
The OP represents what seems to be the pervading thought here these days from people that have been divorced...they want it all, and they want it now...they want it all and they don't care how....
But in the words of Metallica...
Wish I may
Wish I might
Have this I wish tonight
Are you satisfied?
Dig for gold
Dig for fame
You dig to make your name
Are you pacified?
All the wants you waste
All the things youve chased
Then it all crashes down
And you break your crown
And you point your finger, but theres no one around
Just want one thing
Just to play the king
But the castles crumbled and youre left with just a name
Wheres your crown, king nothing?
Wheres your crown?
Hot and cold
Bought and sold
A heart as hard as gold
Yeah! are you satisfied?
Wish I might, wish I may
You wish your life away
Are you pacified?
All the wants you waste
All the things youve chased
Then it all crashes down
And you break your crown
And you point your finger, but theres no one around
Just want one thing
Just to play the king
But the castles crumbled and youre left with just a name
Wheres your crown, king nothing?
Wheres your crown?
Wish I may, wish I might
Have this wish, I wish tonight
I want that star, I want it now
I want it all and I dont care how
Careful what you wish
Careful what you say
Careful what you wish you may regret it
Careful what you wish you just may get it
Then it all crashes down
And you break your crown
And you point your finger, but theres no one around
Just want one thing
Just to play the king
But the castles crumbled and youre left with just a name
Wheres your crown, king nothing?
Wheres your crown?
Oh, youre just nothing
Wheres your crown king nothing?
Oh, youre just nothing
Absolutely nothing
Off to never, never land | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:49:35 PM | I hate to break it to you but no one is ever going to be perfect for you, nor should you expect them to be. That's where the term"compromise" comes into play. I think we all have needs and sure it would be great if they all could be met, but that is not the reality. Do I have a dream list...not so much, do I have a basis list of things that are really important to me and can't be compromised, such as no abusers, no adulterers, no criminals, sure I have that list. Things like that tend to get under my skin and bother me so I don't see a lot of wiggle room on those.
However, I have to ask, what you are proposing, would that really satisfy you? Would you really want to have a partner for sex and another who understand your emotions? For me, that goes hand and hand and I don't see how if both of those things aren't coming from one person you could be satisfied, but that's me. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 1:52:09 AM | I think you observation is fundamentally correct. After over 25 years of practicing law, I have reached the conclusion that one of the reasons so many relationships are so crappy that they end in divorce is because the expectations on both sides are too high.
In earlier times, particularly when marriages were arranged, it was not unusual for a man to marry a woman or political and economic reasons and to have children with her. At the same time, he might keep one or more mistresses.
A century ago, when people tended to entertain more in their homes, the men and women would retire to different rooms and engage in their own discussions.
Expecting someone to be everything puts quite a burden on the relationship.
On the other hand, be honest about it. If someone is expecting a romantic relationship, don't lead them on. It's not fair to string along someone. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 6:57:50 AM | I've found (since becoming addicted to the forums) that many today refuse to "settle". I get the impression that they may honestly believe that if they find the "perfect" one, the relationship will be easy. No work, no disruptions, no compromise. A nice fantasy, but very selfish and not realistic. People also seem to think that when they find that ONE, the love will automatically surface for both of you. No one wants to give love a chance to grow. Love is not something that can be turned on and off at will, even though it may at times seem otherwise.
Everything in life takes work. Everything in life presents the possibility of disruption. Every single day we are forced to compromise about something.
If I fall in love with a man, then he must have met my basic "requirements" (I have a short list), otherwise I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. I don't look at love as "settling".
Let's get down off our high horses and quit being lazy. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 9:20:15 AM | | At times I wish we all had the same appearance as far as all men looking alike and all women looking alike. In some ways that would make dating a lot easier. My needs are basic- respect, fun, sense of humor, intelligence, sensual and sexual, able to be monogamous and committed, able to listen and agree to disagree. I feel as if I offer the same things that I seek, so why is it so dang hard to connect with appropriate men? | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:25:50 AM | | ugggy..why do people on dating sites think they can "build" the perfect person they think they want...people like this and the OP should plan to be single for a very long time..if not the rest of their lives if they think they can just pick and choose traites and be able to find them all in one single person...this isnt a freaking candy store, people!! | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:38:31 AM | I know perfectly well that no one person could possibly meet all my needs.
It is my ultimate disappointment and sorrow that no one can.
Also my joy.
Nothing would make me happier than to find someone who would be all that I want.
But, that would make me lazy and never want to get out of the house.
Be thankful for your disappointments in life.
It is only through disappointment that you become a better person. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 11:40:57 AM | You're right. No one else can meet all your needs. That's why you don't look outside yourself to have your needs met.
You have to be happy with you, and be able to meet your own needs.
Anyone else who adds to your life is just gravy. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 12:39:29 PM | So many people use NEED and WANT interchangeably. You don't have a relationship NEED unless you won't live if that need is denied. You WANT sex; you NEED to move your bowels.
Now lets discuss somebody not meeting all your relationship WANTS. That's going to happen. If you value monogamous relationships, you make responsible mature compromises. Somebody mentioned the 80/20 rule, that seems reasonable.
So if you don't want monogamy, you should share that information with whomever you are intimate. It's not fair to state you want monogamy with someone, but not seek all forms of intimacy with them--physical, emotional, intellectual. If people just communicated how they felt, this wouldn't be an issue, but lots of people treat other people disingenuously. | |
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| Sometimes I think, No one person can meet ALL my needs.
Posted: 6/25/2008 1:20:10 PM | Contentment and NOT happiness is the key.
Wants can never be satisfied, because expectations keep rising, everytime a want is satisfied.
Like sex, .....the newer and greater experince must be attained to surpass the last months experiences.
So,.......Learn about "CONTENTMENT".
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