| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:06:50 PM | | You are right, to an extent. You have a box that you may or may not be able to find. I have a nightstand. Again, I have a box in the attic that I can put it in and I probably will. But will that solve the problem? No. That just means I moved it to a new location. Should I tell her I moved it? No. But if I don't the next time she's in my nightstand and doesn't see the note she's gonna think I'm hiding it. As far as the pics in my wallet I'm not gonna cave on that. My wallet is my personal space. Just like a lock bx or a safety deposit box. It doesn't mean I value those people any more but those are my friends, family and yes, ex-girlfriends. They are exes for a reason. But that doens't mean I hate them now. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:08:29 PM | I think the pictures are alright, but maybe not in your wallet. Keep them in a shoebox in your closet or something. It might be the constant reminding that is getting to her, and not the pictures themselves.
Would you like the same situation? A bunch of guys, the father of her child, in her purse?
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:10:14 PM | Well...its a no win situation NCsingledad...get rid of her and put her memories in the box in the attic. That way the next woman will have one less b*tch!
Wow...you sure like to walk both sides of the track...well...you can't.
Be true to yourself. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:12:11 PM | NC, Besides the fact that Pof seems to be doing its damnedest to pi$$ me off tonight for my having to log back in every 30 seconds. I am usually a calmer man, and one who's kept photos et al from previous relationships among my treasures. These are my souvenirs from a life or more once lived. My current SO, and hopefully my last for the lasting till death do us part. is not the jealous type, and for this alone I'm grateful for finally meeting her. It's not to say that she's not capable of feeling jealousy, but I do my best not to make all of my souvenirs 'available' for her to find. No pictures in my wallet, except for my driver's license, and even hers I won't put there w/o the necessary info to track her down ...should the need arise. [God forbid for that, please!]
Anyway, the way that I might and do perceive my SO's past is her business and not my own for what she should keep for her memories before we met. The trick ...w/o the trickery is for me to help her have some ...if not an abundance of these that she will cherish for us.
You sound like you too are a sentimental man, and while others might scoff that you aren't 'stabbing' someone in the back to rise even higher where the income is all the better, I commend you for being true to yourself and your life well-lived. If your current SO has a problem w/ you and your souvenirs ...and she seems worthy enough for your collecting even more w/ her, take the old pics and now-not-so immediate love notes out of your wallet, and put them somewhere that she's not going to be reminded that you have had a few sentimental journeys before and w/o her. These may seem like 'competition' to her, and we all know that she's beyond this for you. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:12:14 PM | | Maybe I'm a little more secure than that to say that she can't have no one else if her purse but me. She was married to her son's father for nearly 8 years. I would expect her to still carry his picture. They are divorced for a reason. Does that bother me? No. Whether a pic is in a box, a wallet the attic or where ever she's gonna know I still have it and still have a problem with it. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:12:20 PM | | I know what it is like to be with someone who doesn't trust you and you obviously feel that the wallet is important and if you are going to move the letter all you have to do is tell her you moved it. But it sounds like after six years she doesn't trust you at all so perhaps what you should be considering is if you always want to live this way, because it is not going to get better, or if you want to find someone that actually trusts you. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:12:38 PM | ncsingledad,
The reason your girl doesn't trust you is because you have given her plenty of reasons not to.
You shouldn't be keeping pictures of ex GFs in your wallet or in your nightstand. And they shouldn't be your best friend either. If you want to keep the pictures fine. But put them all in the same box and put it in the attic..or basement or the garage. Just get them out of the main living area of your home.
Also.....the ex GFs that you think are your best friends? Studies show the Ex lovers that remain friends have a 80% chance of ending up in the sack again.
If your girl had any sense SHE would kick you to the curb.
And if you had any class you would be treating your girl with a whole lot more respect. It's obvious that she puts up with a lot from you. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:30:20 PM |
Maybe I'm a little more secure than that to say that she can't have no one else if her purse but me. She was married to her son's father for nearly 8 years. I would expect her to still carry his picture. They are divorced for a reason. Does that bother me? No. Whether a pic is in a box, a wallet the attic or where ever she's gonna know I still have it and still have a problem with it.
OP, just this one post says a lot. You keep comparing your actions/ reactions to hers. It sounds like you do realize she's a different person who does things differently, but you don't truly accept that about her. You say you would expect her to carry her son's father's picture, though earlier you said she's not the type to hold on to pictures and such. And it sounds like you have already made up your mind that the insecurity and jealousy you've observed is going to mean she will still have a problem even if you put the pictures and note somewhere less accesssible. But do you know that? Have you sat down with her and said, "Look, it seems these mementoes are causing you some pain. What do you think is a fair thing to do with them, knowing I am the type of person who likes to hold on to memories?"
--Ms. Flis | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:39:48 PM | | It's one thing to keep old letters, pictures, etcetra in a box in back of the closet. But it's quite another to keep old letters and pictures in your wallet and on your nightstand. The former says, 'I have memories.' The latter says 'I have issues.' | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:46:40 PM | Op,
How many threads are you going to post discussing the antics of your girlfriend trying to get validation that you are the correct one in the relationship.
She got upset that you wished someone else Happy Mothers day first. She got upset that your family was not buying her kids gifts.
I think you enjoy the drama and getting under her skin and then want some sick sort of validation from this site. If she drives you crazy, the end the relationship. If you think she is insecure and you do not like it, then end the relationship. Do her a favor. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:47:07 PM | OMG.. Every few weeks you come back to the forums to complain that your "girlfriend" (who you've been living with for 6 years and is actually your WIFE) is upset about yet ANOTHER thing you've done (deliberately... to be sure she NEVER misunderstands your lack of commitment to her)! I can't believe you're here again looking for sympathy over even more of the same crap!
You initially wrote in about seeing no reason why you and your family should have to treat her kids with any kindness (i.e. buying her kids Christmas presents). Then you wrote in about how upset she was that you phoned your ex and your godparent on mother's day before ever wishing her a happy mother's day that day! Now you want to complain because you are making yet ANOTHER statement to her with old pictures and so on about how she will NEVER rank up there with the woman who's egg was "fortunate enough" to catch your sperm.
What on earth are you getting from torturing this poor woman? She's obviously deluded enough to think that somewhere inside you, is someone who wants to grow up and she's waited 6 years for you to do so while YOU, on the other hand, take every advantage of her kindness to you and your child and never miss an opportunity to cause this woman further suspicion.
Your cruelty knows no boundaries and if you think that the majority of us can't see who you are.. gloating away there behind your computer screen about how you are magically able to make this woman's life hell, you are sorely mistaken.
I rarely allow myself to break ranks with my own rather compassionate nature but you sir, take the fawking cake!!! I hope she kicks your sorry butt to the curb one of these days!!!
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 8:49:33 PM | This has nothing to do with insecurity. She's been with you for 6 years, I think she knows where she stands. It's a matter of respect. Sure, everyone has a past, but why feel the need to cling to it so desperately. I kept hanging onto things from guys because I wasn't over them. I just recently figured that out when I've come across notes, etc, I throw them out. I have a box of pictures that I keep but thats mainly because I like to see how young and innocent I looked with the whacky guys I dated.
It seems to me like you're rubbing stuff in her face.
I mean really, do you want a medal because you've dated women in the past?
Congratulations. Move on. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:16:45 PM | | I agree with metalvixxn entirely. Start showing her some respect, and put things from your past (emotionally and physically) away. It does seem like you're rubbing stuff in her face. You know you have the power to not make her upset and hurt, and yet you don't seem to have any interest in doing that. Ask yourself why? | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:26:24 PM | | I was in a long-term relationship and I keep our pics in a box with the rest of my pics and rarely pull them out. But, to keep next to your nice stand? To keep ex's pics in your wallet? That just seems a little obnoxious to me and I am not really a "jealous type" of person. You are just asking for it when you do things like that. Do you need to prove to people how hot your ex's were? Why keep ex's pics in your wallet? I like things simplified. I have plenty of sentimental things displayed but having pics of ex is a little disrespectful to your new mate. Seens to be logical to me. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:28:27 PM | Ahmen Brassman1959! The chances of romance rekindling with an ex are VERY high. You said it right.
This is not about being sentimental. This is about being disrespectful to the current girlfriend and wanting validation for doing so. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:29:03 PM | To have keepsakes of a life lived, to me, is just another part of living that life. I do keep items for memories' sake but for past relationship, I must say those are few & far between. I keep one picture of my son's father (in a family grouping) to give to my granddaughters when they are old enough to want a family portrait of their father as a child. I keep one picture of my second ex, with thoughts in the back of my head to use it to create an advertisement to warn other women - "If you see this man, run (don't walk) in the other direction" type warning....lol... might do it as a PSA...lol I can think of no other momentoes of past loves that I've kept & have no regrets for that.
I can see (given what you've told us here) why she was upset to find this love note moved to the front of the drawer & insecurity would have nothing to do with it... Let's see, you meet up with this girl who's written you this note & suddenly said note comes out of the moth balls??? Sounds questionable to me too & I have no interest in you whatsoever. Why are you making such a big deal of this if it means nothing current? (By way of what you've also said, she hasn't had any problems with any of your keepsakes in the past) So perhaps you should ask yourself if you are giving her reason to question you now about this girl or note now? Perhaps look into your own behavior in this matter - are you being fair in your "openness" to your girl? In your responses throughout this thread methinks I see a heightened sense of self-righteousness, in as much as, this "problem" your girl is having is hers alone?
*Edit: I wasn't going to put this out there but I just can't seem to help myself... It almost seems that you use your "momentoes" as means of trying to control your current SO by attempting to keep her off-balance - this type of controlling behavior comes in many forms on many levels...just saying... if it looks like an ass & smells like an ass, might it be an ...?
cata | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:29:58 PM | OP....
I'm a saver too. I saved pictures, momentoes, etc that were from past relationships, but I don't have them closeby. They are packed away.
I'd be a little concerned if the man I cared about was carrying around a picture of another woman... even if it is the mother of his child. I'd wonder if he still had feelings for her. I'd be concerned too if you've got a note in your nightstand.
Why not pack all those things and tuck them away somewhere? The fact that you need constant reminders closeby tells me you want to be reminded of women who should be completely in your past.
Sharzi | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:35:17 PM | OP wrote:
*****As far as the pics in my wallet I'm not gonna cave on that. My wallet is my personal space. Just like a lock bx or a safety deposit box. It doesn't mean I value those people any more but those are my friends, family and yes, ex-girlfriends. *****
There are always going to be (as Dr. Phil says), "deal breakers" in any relationship.... those things that bug us so much that it could cause us to back away from that relationship. Your girlfriend is probably thinking those pics and letters are deal breakers.
But what would bother me more than that is that you'd choose to keep a pic in your wallet that is hurting someone who loves you. Girlfriend ::::: ex girlfriend ::::: girlfriend ::::: ex girlfriend. Should this really be a contest at all? Yes, it's your wallet and it's your choice, but sounds like you are choosing the ex over her.
Sharzi | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 9:35:59 PM | There is nothing wrong with holding on to past memories! Doesn't mean your not over the person in my opinion! People keep stuff! Its just that!
Now with the old letter right next to your bed... That might bother me! Hell... Stick it in the closet in a box! Lol
My ex's current girlfriend (soon to be wife) thinks that my children should all have a picture of me in their rooms in their dads house! He doesn't like that idea and I think it is great that she does!
Only someone who is totally insecure or has a lot of growing up to do would mind something like that IMO! | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:23:41 PM | i have memories of my husband that i can't bring my self to put away .
he died in 07from a ashama atack married 7 years.
his dad called me a few months latter telling me how i should sale our bed its a king size.
then he starts i on saleing his truck he always worked on hobbie truck i called it 78 dodge long bed nice truck. he wanted me to sale mower tiller things like that
no way could i do it
i told his dad i did but did not just so he would stop asking me to sale his things
i gave his his son's some things and his daughter some things
is that wrong of me to hold on to my memories? | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:36:47 PM | OK, I really need to get my head out of my rear with you and remember your frigging username.
You are the same guy that doesn't think of the girlfriend as more than dating when you have been living together for six years and don't see that you are raising children together and that they should be treated the same as your own because regardless of whether you have a piece of paper making it official, you are step-parents to each other's kids.
Why don't you do the girl a favor and move yourself and your nightstand out of the fuking house so she can find someone that really wants to be with her and appreciate her for who she is. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 10:44:51 PM | | these memories are a timeline of ones life.. if they are kept as memories an not drawn out for comparisons or displayed as trophies... i don't see any reason someone of understanding wouldn't enjoy sharing yours with you an theirs with you... goes both ways.. like any relationship.. but if you run around saying over an over again... this was our first trip to hawaii together.. after about the 2nd time.. or 84th depending on the other person... they are going to get sick of hearing about it... or seeing the scrapbook... sooooooooooooo play it by ear... | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:35:45 PM | Man if you have stuff you want to keep keep it and put it where you want. If your girlfriend can't have enough respect for you to leave your stuff alone dump her. So what if you've been with her 6 years. If you were serious about things you'ld be married for most of those but you aren't so no loss. If you want to keep the note in a frame on your wall that is none of her business she is just temporary and a plaything.If it's your house boot her out if it's hers just run. She obviously cares more about herself than anything else and so do you so why flog a dead horse.
I have anything i want on my walls ever since i kicked out my ex and it will stay that way. I kept my stuff put away for 24 years just to apease her, that mistake will never happen again. And i don't even have keepsakes from past relationships just family photos and heirlooms. But women are a selfish beast and the more forums i read the more i see that.
She won't change, you won't change and neither should be made to. You are simply playing house andwill never have a serious relationship so either dump her or stay together and only ruin one household. It is of no consequence. | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:38:46 PM | hmm, regardless of what I think the OP's ulterior motive behind his actions are, this thread got me to thinking..
Would a man seriously be ok with it if I had pictures of my ex husband present in my house or had memorabilia of our marriage around our house? Especially if he and I were residing in the same residence.
A lot of people sound so open minded here, but I wonder if the roles were reversed how they would feel... | |
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| Holding on to memories from past relationships!
Posted: 6/1/2008 11:50:05 PM | its about compromise, buddy. and trying to work things out for your relationship (ok that was rendundant).
put the pic in a shoebox. or in your nightstand. have a heart.
put your past....behind you..be more concerned about your future. | |
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