| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:43:14 PM | If you’re just dating, then its OK to be seeing more than one person. Right?
It's all semantics at this point, chief. What if you have a lady who is your girlfriend, and another one who is a 'friend', and you spend a bit of time with both.?
Are you cheating on your girlfriend? I think not. My last girlfriend actually believed that if I talked to a a woman in the line at the grocery, let alone go out with her, then I was automatically schtupping her . I never felt that....and I don't give up friends to become the dreaded two headed monster with the one I'm loving with.
I find that women go quickly to the point that it is about Ego..and how man must continually feed that. Well, some men may need that, I am not about ego...or try not to be as much as possible,
But, if you are having feelings for two women at the same time, then it can be a bit tricky and throw everyone off balance. In the final shakedown, I am with only one woman in a serious way at a time. I may go out with a 'friend' to talk, or for a bite to eat, but would not consider it a breach in any way. One woman. One man...
it's not for everyone.
peace
"kimbo~~~~~~~~~~~ | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:45:26 PM | Wow. Responses from every side and every angle.
As to those who think I'm bragging or similar, nothing could be farther from the truth. Its an uncomfortable and unfamiliar situation and my complaint is mostly stress. And I fully realize that I brought it all onto myself. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/2/2008 7:57:30 PM | Here's the secret truth I don't think was covered:
Girl #1 is only sticking around because she knows of girl #2.
Telling girl #2 about girl #1 will lose her (do I really need to explain this one?), and then girl #1 will jump ships when she realizes it's just the both of you in your canoe, and you'll be left drifting down the river alone. There's your REAL predicament.
I say leave things how they are, and then maybe even add in a girl #3. 
- Your Excogitator. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:08:37 AM | | I was with you until you got to the part where there's a woman who thinks you are getting serious but she doesn't know you date others. Now I don't think you have to tell everyone you date that you are dating, that should be a DUH! until commitments are made but if someone thinks they are the only one and thinks things are getting serious, then you need to tell her before this goes any further. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:36:30 AM | | Wow...that is tough. How about don't commit to either parties until you know for sure...be it going out and seeing Girl #2...then from there you can probably make a better and more informed decision. Good luck :) | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 1:48:29 AM | I can understand how two relationships can become stronger simultaneously. I also believe it's possible to love two people at once; been there, done that and I can tell you that it's not worth the stress. I feel for you, Buddy. I think you know what you have to do. You've already said it in your post:
"In one of them, she’s already to the point of ‘lets get more serious.’ And on the plus side, we’ve been able to communicate very openly, and I’ve been able to tell her about the other one, without jeopardizing my relationship with her (rare catch, eh?)
The other one I have not yet been able to tell her, as our communication and trust levels aren’t that high. She lives farther away, but I’ve known her longer, and quite some time ago I had promised some time (a trip) with her this summer, to which she’s really looking forward to."
I think what's really holding you back from coming clean with the long distance gal is the conflict you think will arise with her afterward. I know you don't want to hurt her, but you're just putting off the inevitable. Back when I was in a similar situation, I stayed with the one I knew longer out of guilt and it was the worst thing I could have done at the time. I wasn't happy, I ended up missing the other person (ended up resenting the person I stayed with). The better choice for me would have been to keep the guy I had the best communication with. Someone else had posted that you stand a chance of losing the gal living near you if you go on this trip. I tend to agree with him. It will be difficult for you, but try to settle this thing before the trip comes up. I empathize with the stress you're under; It's eats you up inside and it's not worth it. Good luck
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:54:18 AM | Sounds like it's time to make a choice. Either that or let them do it for you. I'm thinking if lady #2 doesn't know about lady #1 and is serious enough about you to want to travel with you, she might take flight soon after you tell her about lady #1. Then again, things are going to get really messy if you don't tell her soon. She will find out.
Just another reason I don't date more than one guy at a time. I barely have enough time right now to invest in one relationship, let alone more than that. I'll keep up email communication and go on first meets with multiple people, but as soon as it gets to dating, I focus on one person. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:51:08 AM | canoist..............You post all the time on the forums. Read your post and tell me what you would answer to this "predicament"
The point that I have a problem with is if your just "dating" why doesnt the first woman you were seeing seem to know this. If you asked her some time ago to go on vacation together this summer, I would think at that point that particular relationship was going well. I would guess she probably thinks she's exclusive and you know that or would have told her about this recent woman.
If you were working on a relationship with that woman why did you continue to stay on this site for dating. Or did you not meet the second woman on here?
So much missing here....................................
Did the first woman you were seeing not satisfy something for you and you wanted to keep your options open? If you went into the first relationship with the understanding you just wanted to date without committment, then why not tell her your seeing someone else and your conflicted about the trip.
In your profile you talk about honesty and character..........hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Sounds like a tangled web.......... | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 5:56:29 AM | there has to be a front runner here.... there is no way you feel *exactly* the same about both of them. No shame in dating more than one person but you could have been upfront about it with *both* of them instead of just one of them.
Think long and hard and make a choice, not saying it's easy but it's not fair to string one along just cuz you can't seem to make up your mind....
good luck , tricky situation no doubt but I think if you really sit down and think about it, there will be a clear choice. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:57:33 AM | Canoist,
You said Lady #1 is to the point of, "Let's get more serious."
You didn't say that you were to that point too. In a relationship, it's important to be on the same page in the same book, so you may not be on the commitment page with her yet.
You should be honest with Lady #2 and tell her that you have been seriously dating someone else and see what her response would be. Honesty is always the best policy. I personally wouldn't go on a summer trip with a man if he were that involved with someone else.
I've always heard that if you aren't sure about a decision, then don't make one, because you will always wonder if you made the right choice. Wait until you are definitely sure and have made your mind up completely. Don't rush as it is a very important step to be taking.
I think this quote is appropriate here:
"This above all: to thine ownself be true
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not be false to any man (woman)."
~ Shakespeare
Good luck, I hope you make the best decision! | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:09:11 AM | | Time to make a choice. But I believe you've in a way have already done that. Now get the ba!!s to break up with the one you know you need to break up with. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:25:47 AM | with the one who you can tell all things to and she is willing to allow you that freedom, this is a very mature woman. and unfortunately, she'll more than likely be willing to except anything you say to her. (take that as you will). but she should be cherished for that! (take that as you will also).
the other is a great distance away...correct... well i aim to believe that she too has someone filling in the blank spots. nevertheless, being that you two know each other in a special sort of way, namely, because you two have been friends for some time, you shouldn't have to keep much from her. that is, people who have been intimate and gone through some things together, seem to be more patient with each other for being human. (if that makes any sense at all).
so what's the advice, be straightforward with them both... but i wouldn't feel to obligated to a potential partner who is a distance away from me. that is, there's something unstable about it all. there is too much room for loneliness. and humans are far too selfish for that feeling to be endured for too long. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:01:52 AM | | Go with the one closer..long-distance will kill the other one eventually..things change..you gotta make a decision as its not fair to either one.Drop the trip one...she'll get over it..and concentrate your efforts with the one close by. It's a no-brainer, you're on a differnet 'higher' level with her anyways.You might feel a little guilty about breaking the promised trip..but make a clean break and dont drag it on.Its like a band-aid..just rip the damn thing off!! | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:09:05 AM | I didn't read any of the other posts because I didn't want it to sway what I'm going to say, so forgive me if someone said it already.
From you OP I would say that #1 is for you. You have the easy communication and it sounds like your both on the same wave leanghth.
And when you described #2 it almost sounded like she was becoming an obligation rather than someone you wanted a relationship with or that your even compatible with for the long run.
If your feeling like your ready to give it a go with #1 and see where it goes then you should definitely do so. The tricky part would be telling #2 that you do not want to date her anymore. On that subject, if that's what you want to do, Just be completely honest with her about your feelings and so on. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:17:19 AM | Hi all
Part of how this became so entangled, is that the longer distance woman disappeared for about a month, then came back. And it was during that time that I met the closer one.
I see your point, that I'll have to level with both, and pick only one.
But its difficult!
Thanks for all you help, suggestions, criticisms, chastising, and empathy.
Canoist
And don't expect life to make sense! | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:56:22 AM | Long distance relationships are challenging, and they need nurturing, honesty and commitment to growing the relationship if they are to have any chance of ultimately being "successful." LDRs can work, absolutely, especially if the two involved are working towards a mutual goal of being together or at least closer to one another. But when you didn't tell the woman with whom you were building a relationship over distance that you had become interested in another woman, the cord of mutual trust was broken . . . and it's probably going to be very difficult to repair, especially if you've let it go on like this for some time.
I doubt if it's going to be a case of you having the luxury of "picking" . . . when you finally do decide to be upfront and honest with both women, things will no doubt sort themselves out as all three of you make decisions about how you feel about the situation. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:18:14 AM | Never had this situation. However, there has to be ONE that you have stronger feelings for and can see spending your life with, no?
The one you've known longer you DO NOT have a level of trust/communication that you should have. From what I understood. Seems to me the one you do have a stronger relationship with is the one you should possibly put more effort into.
However, make sure your feelings are on the same level.
Best,
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/3/2008 1:16:56 PM | I totally disagree that you have to only date one person at once. If you don't know either person well, tell both of them the truth and spend a bit of time with both. Then, you will get a feel for whether or not you want to be involved with one of them. If one or both are too insecure to agree to this, then I would not want to date such a person. If something is meant to be romantically, it will happen, no matter how many other people you meet.
Judith. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:17:58 AM | Canoist, for a guy who touts honesty so highly in his profile, and is so straightforward (it seems) in other posts, I was really surprised at the predicament you encountered. From your last post I understand that you intended to "level" with both women, and "pick only one." Some time has passed, and I'd venture a guess that after doing so, you didn't have to pick, did you? Likely, armed with full disclosure, each women made her own choice and you were either: a) left with woman 1 (the one who wanted to get more serious, though she knew of woman 2); or b) left with neither woman 1 or woman 2, depending on how the "leveling" went.
If you've not yet done the "leveling with", you might want to consider this: many times, when you come to the fork in a road, if you wait too long, both roads disappear. You're right that if you're dating casually, there's no need to stop seeing other people. But once deception enters into the picture (by omission or actively created), you've put yourself in a place from which it is hard to recapture any degree of integrity.
I hope things worked out the way you wanted them to. In your heart, if you listened well, I think you knew which one you wanted. If for some reason you're left now with a clean slate, perhaps you've gained valuable experience which will guide you in the future.
By the way, I know this thread was a bit "old" so to speak, but I think the OP's problem or dilemma is one encountered by many people in today's dating culture. In the end, I agree with Red, though (as per usual!):
Personally, I don't like to even email seriously/talk on the phone with more than one person... At one point person needs to focus on one person only, and see where it goes... If you keep being distracted by new shiny objects every week, it will lead nowhere with all of them. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:25:02 AM | | If it's OK to see more than one person at a time, then it's OK to tell them both too. Otherwise, you have to ask yourself why you are not telling one of them. You must have an idea that she won't want to hear it. | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/26/2008 10:28:54 AM | I never had a problem lining up several first dates in the same time period--heck I had 3 in one weekend once (that was too much!), but once it got past the 2nd or 3rd date, I never felt that it was fair to be dating more than one person. I wouldn't like it if they did it to me, so I never did it. I don't know how you can be actively dating 2 people...it's not really giving either relationship a chance to blossom (if it's indeed a relationship you seek) and it's not fair to the women (unless you were upfront about it-which I suspect you weren't).
Seems like you have a choice to make, but continuing with both shouldn't be one of them! | |
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| Need help with a predicament
Posted: 6/26/2008 12:44:46 PM | Rule # 1 do not plan vacations with casual dates.
Rule# 2 do not date multiple partners for months at a time be a man/woman and make a choice. Once you pass the 3 month mark most people think you are serious about them
Casual dating is exactly that CASUAL. Dinner, movies picnics. No vacations, family meetings or introduction of children. | |
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