| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:08:34 AM | Practice. Being single is a talent you have to develop. First, stop cleaning your place. If you keep it too nice people will wonder if you like women or not. Dont ask me why but they do. And you must have a boat. Not a fancy-schmancy ski boat, a fishing boat. You don't even have to use it. And you need to go into business. The time it takes up will keep you from worrying about all the cleaning that needs to be done. And of course spend lots of time on POF to see what it is you're doing wrong.
That's all I've got for now.
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:36:26 AM | I feel your pain OP.
I have friends that don't understand how I can be single and happy. They ask me how I do it.
There are a lot of pragmatic things I tell them I do, such as: gardening; pet training; karaoke; learning to cook (getting pretty good too); house plants; fishing; boating; house parties; working out (that's a big one); internet friends; movies, etc...
But, on a philosophical level is where my answer really lies.
I think one has to 'choose' happy.
I spent a lot of my life thinking that once I obtained this goal, this realtionship, this job, this residence, etc.... then I could be happy.
Don't get me wrong, I would be 'happier' if I had someone to share my happiness with, but I came to an epiphany after several relatives (a couple near my age) died in a short time span.
I decided I didn't want to be lying on my death bed someday wondering why I wasn't happier in life, and, these goals were where I was projecting my happiness.
Now I try to choose happy on the way to my goals. Then it doesn't matter if I'm single or not, cause I'm always going to choose to make the best of what life I have left! It really is short!!!
Hope that makes sense and helps a little.
If not, St. John's Wort works well too! | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:42:36 AM | Gary,
Thanks for writing the post and thanks also to all those who have contributed.This thread has brought out a great bunch in the POF realm.
Until someone enters into your life that fulfills you, gives and receives love without questions and conditions, be happy--and thankful-- for each of the wonderful things you have in your life now. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:30:07 AM | Gary, I have already posted on here but I would also like to add that when I went thru that period of my life that I was so low and lonely, I was in counseling and I learned that there are 5 stages of greif. ( you may already know about them but if not, here they are: DABDA
D: Denial... denial that it is really real or going to not get back to normal (example: denie that it is happening... "we will get back together", "he is just confused, everything will be okay"," they are not really going to die"...etc, etc).
A: Anger.... this is pretty self explanitory. Mad at the partner that leaves, mad at the person that died, mad at God for allowing this to come about...etc.
B: Bargaining....."I will do this or that if it will not be so or things can be as I hope they can be." We bargain with God, with spouses or others.
D: Depression... We will be depressed, get better at times and regress
A: Acceptance.... That is where we start to heal and go forward with our lives. We often slip back into another stage for a time but eventually move past it and go forward.
I was greiving for a death of a marriage and a way of life that I was accustomed to and did not know what the future held for me. God had plans for me still. The life that I did have was not so good for me, but I could not see that at the time. After that I developed my own identity, had a career of my own and have experienced many things that I would not have otherwise. I would have still been living in his shadow and brow beaten. I have never remarried but have my wonderful friends and 2 great sons and 5 grandchildren, and a nice man that I date occasionally that helps me to stay in touch with the fact that I am still attractive and desirable. It does help feed my ego. We all need strokes.
There is something waiting for you out there that will fullfil you and help fill the loneliness and the hole in your heart.
Dixie | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:51:52 AM | Gary, I can certainly relate to your situation. I was married to a wonderful, beautiful woman for 24 years, and was with her for 3 years before marriage. We have three wonderful children and two grandchildren, and we were an extremely happy, loving family. 4 1/2 years ago I was involved in a very traumatic car accident (rear ended by a very large truck), which ultimately led to the breakup of my marriage. I have just in the last few months, healed to where I am not in excruciating pain. While I was recuperating, she became heavily involved with drugs, something neither of us had ever done before. The pain of watching someone that you have loved for over half your life descend into the hell of addiction is indescribable. The very morning of the accident, as I left, I literally came back into the house to kiss my wife goodbye again, and to tell her how blessed I felt to have her love, and she expressed the same to me. Two hours later I was in a LifeFlight with life threatening injuries. Two years later my beautiful wife left with a drug dealer. I have never experienced pain as I have since then. My life and my children’s lives have been utterly destroyed. The pain, regret, and loneliness has been almost unbearable.
I have survived though, and I am trying to move forward with my life, but it is not easy. I have met a couple of wonderful women on POF and other places, and I have been on a few dates, but like yourself, I feel like half of me is missing, and I know I will never get that part back. I am slowly learning to live one day at a time, and to try to fight off the crippling depression. I continually try to tell myself that I will eventually meet someone else that I can share my life and love with. Staying busy helps more than anything, and I am slowly beginning to like myself again, and regaining the confidence in myself that I had before all this happened.
I can't give you much advice since I am basically in the same boat, but knowing that others are in this situation and are surviving is a big help. Also hearing others that have met someone new and are happy again gives us hope. All I can say is hang in there and hope things will get better, and I would like to thank those that offer words of support.
Jeff | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:31:13 AM | Jeff,, from me and I am sure from others here, You are welcome. There were so many that were there for me.
Dixie | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 1:22:06 PM | I been alone now for almost 14yrs. A date here and there is all. It was hard at first but you kinda get used to it. The holidays were the roughest. I wont decorate for Christmas.
There are times I get a sinking feeling (thats the best way I can describe it) wondering if this is it. This is my destiny. I sometimes get a envy feeling when seeing couples together or some guy is talking about his wife.
Then there are other times I'm content and it doesn't bother me I'm single. I can do what I want when I want.
Its a up and down cycle. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:30:52 PM | To be single...and happy?
If you know the precious happiness of being with somebody?
It is possible...try to have a joy of being alone...and remember...you are not doomed to be always alone and single...
Feel your independence...
Anyway...
you may be happy with somebody...you may be lonely with somebody...but you can't be really happy ...if you are lonely... | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:45:17 PM | Gary, you are on the right track....after being in your (codependent?) marriage of long term, counseling for YOURSELF was the best thing you could do....
Give yourself some more time; four years is not that long........be "kind and gentle" with yourself, too. Many of us in the "over 45" age group beat ourselves up because we don't have a "partner", and that is counterproductive, and not good mentally for us....and we don't even realize that we are doing it.......
I've been where you are right now, and know it is not easy...I echo the advice of others who post here......make new friends, get into hobbies, volunteer work, or other activities that will put you in contact with new people so you can start to "rebuild" your life. Once you are happy inside, and not looking to another person to "complete" you (my grandfather used to say that "two half people don't make a whole person"), your "energy" will change, and you may attract that "special someone" into your life. I'm not just giving you advice here; I'm trying to live by this same advice.
And if you don't attract that person, you will at least be content with yourself....remember...."kinder and gentler to yourself" should be your mantra.
Peace and Blessings to you! | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:57:34 PM | I can completely identify with how you are feeling. Being in a long term committed relationship that has failed for whatever reason can be one of the most devastating experiences one can go through. I too married my high school sweetheart…he was my first love and we were married for 15 years when one night out of the blue he asked me for a divorce. I was completely blindsided. Never seen that coming. I guess sometimes we really are the last to know.
Anyhow, my world crumbled….I would not wish those feelings on my worst enemy. I went through many cycles, much like you would when someone passes away. In a sense it is like a death.
It took me a very long time to come to terms with my feelings, my situation and even longer to heal. I will admit to spending a great deal of time feeling sorry for myself. It happens, its part of the process.
I eventually did meet someone; he came along and swept me off my feet one September afternoon. We had a very short, passionate relationship….we fought hard and loved hard. We were married on his birthday January 30. Biggest mistake I ever made. He was an alcoholic and all the time I was with him it was like being on a giant roller coaster. I couldn’t deal with the ups and downs, it was unhealthy, not only for me, but for our daughter as well. We lasted about 2 years together.. What a great guy he was though, good father too, he adored our daughter….I know how that sounds, but he did have some wonderful qualities, that’s why I fell in love with him and married him. But we were just not destined to be together. Just one of those things
Even though I was the one that ended the relationship, it didn’t make it any easier. The night he left, I watched him walking away from us, it tore me apart. I wanted so much to shout at him, " come back, I didn't mean it" But I remained silent
I missed being with him so much I ached, whenever the phone would ring I would find myself praying it would be him, I so just wanted to hear the sound of his voice. Sometimes I would sit by the phone and will it to ring...* Ring*….it was crazy
That pain, that raw empty feeling gradually sudsides...but the lonliness remains, only not near as bad. I was lucky in that I had the support of my family and friends during those times..
Its been 12 years and as I look back at those times in my life, and what I went through both emotionally and financially and I am amazed...I've really come a long way. Oh I still feel the pangs of lonliness, but I am leading a pretty full life for the most part.
I am surrounded by everything I love in life, everything that is familiar....my family, my friends, my home.... and a job that I actually look forward to each day.
And after all that.......there are tmes I feel an emptiness inside, a void...its like I'm half full....I miss being in a relationship, not having that "someone" Those are the times it sucks beng single.
...maeflowers
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:05:30 PM | I think the trick to dealing with your loneliness is to learn to enjoy your own company. If you're comfortable with yourself then you'll be comfortable to that special one when she comes along.
In my eyes you're a lucky man Gary. No doubt you have plenty of nibbles here.
It's ok to look back. Just don't stare.
Meg | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/3/2008 8:50:29 PM | "is there a way to learn how to be content & single?"
Oh yes there is. It may take approx. 10 years of working on getting rid of the past. One day however if you are as lucky as I am, you will be not only content but thrilled with the single lifestyle you have custom made just for yourself. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:18:25 AM |
So my question is … how do I learn to accept being single?
Is this what you really want? Or is it that you just don't want to feel lonely? There's nothing wrong with feeling lonely and accepting it's normal to feel lonely is not the same as accepting having to be single.
How do I find comfort knowing I don’t have someone special to share my life with & I may never find her?
You could make a good attempt at delusion. Keep repeating to your self over and over that you can prove to everyone you're the worlds most desirable man on the planet because you have chosen to have a positive attitude and post about all the dates you have to turn down. Yea, that ought to work.
Instead of showing you can have normal intimate relationships, convince women that you're happy being single and determined to never let anyone take your happiness and contentment away, but don't forget to mention if the right one comes along you'd be willing to consider dating them. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:13:06 AM |
I think the trick to dealing with your loneliness is to learn to enjoy your own company. If you're comfortable with yourself then you'll be comfortable to that special one when she comes along.
In my eyes you're a lucky man Gary. No doubt you have plenty of nibbles here.
It's ok to look back. Just don't stare
...Thats so true, it may take years to get comfortable with being single.....Its natural to want someone in your life, and I can understand your lonliness. Just don't enter into a relationship because of that feeling , that would be unfair to both parties.
...maeflowers | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 7:56:40 AM | Gary first off thanks for a good honest sharing on a topic most of us need to deal with at some point. the question how do i accept being single is easy. being single is your reality, you accept reality because that is what it is. no accepting it, getting comfortable with it and enjoying it are different things, all of which take some time and effort. getting comfortable is doing what you are talking about. building strong relationships with your adult kids, something that is not the same as having them with underage kids no matter what anyone says on that topic. the change from child to adult makes our role different and requires adjustment. the next thing is getting into stuff you like to do and making friends of both genders. what ever it is you like, be it golf or movies or whatever, pursue it with friends and cohorts. that way any relationships that develop out of this will be based on something solid and shared. that is the single and loving it stage most of us go through when we just enjoy being on our own without any ties or problems associated with them. now the last part is getting beyond the joy of the early stage to satisfaction. that is hard because we have to face the fact that for the vast majority of us we dont want to be alone. it is tough. i went through a phase where i felt like i could have a heart attack and die some friday after work and no one would even know for a weekend or longer (till i did not show up for work for a couple days). but those black pits dont last. eventually the loss of a dream marriage and a dream for a life partner can bring you wisdom and acceptance of yourself and god s choices in our lives. at that point when you are comfortable with you then love can (and most likely will) find you. i am truly sorry for your loss and hope you find happiness single or not single. rich | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 7:58:04 AM | | amen levi. life is a choice. choose to be happy or stay unhappy till you get tired of it | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 3:35:51 PM |
Gary, I wish I could be the one to advise you, but I can only empathize with you. I don't like being single one bit, and I don't think I'm any good at it.
Now there are any number of forum regulars who talk a lot about how they don't need another person in their lire, although it would be nice to have one. Not me. I need one. I don't have one, but that is what I need.
Good luck, sweetie.[quote/]
My sentiments exactly. I hate being single. If you find out how to like it..tell me.
Yes, I do all the things that are supposed to make life worthwhile, but they aren't enough. Nothing can take the place of lying in bed at night talking over the days events with someone you love..or having coffee in the morning, and planning the day ahead. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 3:47:02 PM | Quot by "grilledsalmon"
"If you are seeking a partnert from a position of being content with your own company, then you will end up finding someone to ENHANCE your life...and not just someone to FIX it. "
No truer words were ever written! Words ALL of us single folks should live by 
Lots of great advice and words of wisdom given, but I am now wondering how the OP feels????? | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:37:18 PM | | You get used to it after awhile and it doesn't bother you... At least with me, that is the case. I enjoy my time. Of course that doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy company from the opposite sex, but until then I can be happy being me. JMO | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:04:13 PM | Realize that there are worse things than loneliness....
Take your time getting to know prospective "interests", to avoid being bounced back out .
Listen w/ your heart and speak the truth in new relationships. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:54:31 PM | | I feel your pain and know exactly what you're saying. I haven't been with anyone for a very long time and I say I have excepted the situation but deep down I really haven't. I go through the motions of living but I never find the contentment that I had when I had someone in my life. The emptiness looms over me daily but I keep going. Guess my problem is I absolutely hate doing things alone so I pretty much have became a home body. Except for work I only go out when I absolutely have to. I've tried hard to get out and do things by myself but I just can't do it. I miss having someone special in my life to come home to at the end of the day and to share all life's ups and downs but that's the way it is so I sit here on this computer and read these forums and know that I also am not alone. And one comfort that I have found is that I would much rather be alone than to have to put up with anyone's crap. My daughter's and granddaughter's are the only ones that keep me going but they still don't fill that void that is deep within, SO please know that you are not alone in this. I know exactly where you are coming from. I hope it gets better for you and wish you the best of luck in finding someone special to fill that void. Take care. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 7:02:57 PM | | Gary - I think being "married, divorced, single, separated" are labels that we put on ourselves. The big mistake that we as human beings make is defining ourselves by our relationships. It's hard not to do that, because a part of that is our makeup. Being married as long as you have, to some extent you lost your own identity, rather your identity became that as a couple. Now you've lost the other 1/2 of what made up your life. You have to look inside and re-discover who you are. The process will be fun, joyful, sad, and at times insane. When you are comfortable in your own skin "alone", then you will become equally as comfortable in a relationship. Focus on what you DO HAVE now, not what you lost. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 7:34:26 PM | Hi Gary...
Just this weekend while walking around my home town I passed a senior couple cuddled up close standing on a bridge taking in the view, and the gentleman had his arm around the waist of his lady. I couldn't help but turn and look to see their faces and they were happy and smiling..
I got a warm feeling and smiled myself as i walked on knowing that somewhere in time I will be on that bridge one day.. contented and happy.. with someone I love..
I am happy with my life as it is now.. Single is a good place to be and the only place to be if you're fishing..
There are millions of us out there all single and looking.. we just need that one chance to meet and find each other.. .. 
Paul .. .. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 7:40:31 PM | The first thing you need to learn about being single is to find out who you are as a single. Find your own interests, your own friends. When I was first divorced I had a hard time knowing who I was because I wasn't someones wife anymore. So I keep trying to find that special guy who would show me who I was. But you know what, I made a big mistake, because the only person that could show me who I was, was me.
Maybe what you need to do is get away from dating land for a while and just figure out who you are on your own. So many people are looking for someone to: Complete them, make them happy, save them, whatever. My question is what are you going to do if that person never comes along? Everybody gets lonley, even those people in relationships. There is nothing worse than being lonely in a relationship. Once you develop your own life and learn to enjoy your own company and fulfill yourself from within, the lonliness will lessen and you will be much better equipped for a relationship when one comes your way. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 8:33:01 PM | GARY PLEASE BELIVE ME WHEN I SAY
GOD HAS SOMEONE FOR YOU
I WAS SINGLE FOR TEN YEARS I DATED EVERY NOW AND THEN.
ONE DAY MY TV WAS ON . THEIR WAS A PERCHER ON HE SAID ( GOD HAS SOMEONE VERY SEPECIAL FOR YOU, ) YOUR VERY SEPECIAL TO HIM ) HE WANTS ONLY THE BEST FOR YOU BECAUSE YOUR ONE OF HIS BEST)
HE SAID GOD LOVES HE WILL NOT LET YOU BE ALONE .)
THOSE WORDS CAME TO ME AS I WALKED DOWN THE AIL AT MY WEDDING 1 YEAR AND 6 MONTHS LATER I MET MY HUSBAND ON LINE .WE WERE MARRIED 7 YEARS AT THE TIME OF HIS DEATH .WE WERE VERY MUCH IN LOVE .AND SOME DAY ILL BE BY HIS SIDE AGAIN.
AND LET ME SAY THIS YES YOU WERE MARRIED 30 YEARS AND IT ENDED IN DIVORCE . REMMBER HE WANT YOU TO HAVE THE BEST | |
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