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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 8:38:13 PM | Holy crow has this ever been one helluva thread! Kudos to you Gary!
I am not an authoritative figure on this issue from a medical/therapudic standpoint, but it would appear to me that you are terribly missing your marriage. I think that you are under the impression that if it were not for your wife's addictions, you would still be together. Thus, your heart is truly pining away! You have to work at getting past this. That is only how it comes across to me hun, may not be the right assumption!
I can only say that from my experience, I left an abusive relationship. It was abusive in many forms. I always had this "inkling" that it would not be forever. I knew that when I got out of it, it would be for good. For the most part? My life has totally changed and things are peaceful and happy now. No more of the abuse that I had to endure thinking I was doing the right thing by keeping the family together. No more calling in sick as I hurt too badly to go to work .But yes, there is that part of me, the deep human internal side, that misses/craves having another. But? My situation is somewhat different. I never had the closeness, the snuggling/sharing in bed at nite. Sure we had great sex, but it ended there. I never had the coupling who went shopping together, spent time sharing all aspects of our lives "together", reading the paper on Sunday mornings . So I guess with all of this blathering? For those of you who have shared, truly shared, a genuine couple relationship, no matter how long, be very thankful that you had it in your lives! Some never experience that feeling. I truly hope one day, I will meet a man who wants to share all of the aspects of my life, my love and my heart. Till then, I am happy to be who and what I am! | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 9:49:11 PM | Gary, the ancient Romans said, "The mother of all knowledge is repetition, repetition, repetition." To learn well how to be single, all you need to do is be single.
Without going on and on about this in a preaching fashion, my story is very different from yours, yet I ended up in the same place. In my twenties I had a few short-lived relationships; in my thirties, a very long and steady one, and many mini-relationships; in my forties, as we entered the mid-nineteen-nineties, the source was ebbing, and I got laid less and less. And the last time I had intercourse was when I was 47.
From 48 onward I was still hopeful. Luckily my philosophy changed, I started to like people for their spirit and their values, not for how good they looked and how good they'd be in bed. More importantly, for some totally inexplicable reason, getting laid with as many new women as I could lost its importance as a foundation for my self-esteem. I got high on life instead; I started to write stories, I became more involved in the community. I realized how easy it was for me to make others laugh, and it's been giving me a lot of joy.
I was not in the same solitude as you are now. But the vacuum was there, and it was very oppressive. I got two cats, and I was lucky because they were fun cats. In the first two years of our co-existence they were fun, but did nothing for my loneliness. In the third year -- and I just realize it now -- I never missed women any more.
I still go through the motions -- I belong to this dating website, I flirt with local women, I cop the occasional feel in the Bridge club I play in. But I know it's all over, Charlie Brown. In a way it's like accepting death before you've started to die. You think about it, a lot, and you become more and more desparate over the utter futility of your existence. And then, pang, you don't think about it actively any more, you tell jokes, you write the occasional article for your club's newsletter, and you think who wants sex, anyway? I got a DVD rental store membership.
Oh, dirty videos really help you over the long and sultry hot summer nights.
All you need is practice, and you won't even notice and already you'll be a single guy at heart as well as in body and mind. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/4/2008 11:37:26 PM | Thanks for the topic Gary...
I know for myself, I have to keep it in perspective. I don't like being without a mate, for certain. If I did, I wouldn't be on this site!
I keep in mind, that I'd rather be alone than with the wrong one! I am certainly much better off being single, than being married to a guy who was tearing me down, etc. Yes, "learning how to be single..." is a process. For some, it seems to be easier than others... Currently, I am about four years past the divorce, and I feel like I am just now getting to feel comfortable. But yet, it's still uncomfortable.
It's really a good thing for us to get to know ourselves... by ourselves. It's cool that you talked to a counselor about "singleness." Counseling has helped me gain a lot of insights into myself and relationships that I may not have discovered otherwise.
Ultimately, it comes down to what God wants for me. If He wants me to be with someone, the right one WILL come along. I have FAITH enough to know that I don't have to rush it, or do something foolish, and "force" anything to happen that shouldn't. So, I am learning PATIENCE. What I call, "lust dust," blinds:  it causes wrong choices ...and I don't need that. So, I am waiting on God and His good and perfect will for my life.
... in the meantime, getting to know myself better is what's best. I TRUST a relationship will happen when it's time!
~Ann  | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/5/2008 7:17:32 AM | Goodness gracious! It hurts to transition from being a couple to being single. It hurts a lot! However, you can't know what joy is unless you know what sadness is, and in that sense, its all part of the process. Relish the sadness, explore it to its depths. Savor it. Embrace it as a sign that you did enjoy happiness, and know that you will enjoy it again.
Long term relationships are largely supported by habits of interaction. Like quitting smoking, becoming a tea totaler, or moving out of your neighbourhood, you suffer the effects of the change and the need to relearn new solutions to your daily life.
The good news is that you can, and will do it, and succeed. The rate of progress you make is largely related to how rapidly you accept your new life.
Next time you feel bummed out, think "Wow, its amazing how crappy I can feel about past history. I wonder if it can get even worse?". Explore it. Become familiar with it. Recognize it as an element of the expression of the kind of joy you can find in life. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/5/2008 5:38:43 PM | Gary,
Same story here. Married at 19. Divorced after 20 years. Most married years were wonderful. We were best friends. Played tennis, golf, partied with other married couples. Many probably do not know what it is like to be in a good partnership for so many years. Maybe this is what makes it harder for us than some?
I've done all the things suggested. Counselling. Joining groups. Staying busy. Creative outlets. Lots of friends. But, like you, it just doesn't feel right being uncoupled. And, it has been 8 years single now.
I made some very bad choices in relationships since the divorce. Really bad choices. And like our fellow POF friends have said, "Better to be alone than in an abusive relationship."* Amen! *Repeat this mantra.*
And like you I was AND STILL AM clueless about this dating business. There is s o o o o much to learn. I have to take breaks from it.
These forums do help. And when I start to dwell on the negative thoughts running through my head, I just substitute a more positive one. Example : "This dating thing is something I can not control. I can't MAKE anything happen. Things as are they should be."
I do tend to fall back into some of those stages of grief. I think I am in the "bargaining" phase right now. "I'll wait on you hand and foot. Do whatever you want me to. Just throw me a bone once in a while." At least I am aware and will not take action on those thoughts! (I hope.)
Let's stay in the moment. Out of the past. Not despairing about the future. Repeat after me, "Things are as they should be." Period.
Liz | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:08:14 AM | It would seem, reading the posts in this topic many could use personal counseling.
Becoming single again is simply a choice or a result of a circumstance in your life.
Get interested in something, your health, your kids, your family or even a sport.
Before long you will know you don't need another person to complete you.
Get out and enjoy life, get off your damn puter and get out where real live breathing people are..took awhile for me to learn this.
Don't get sunk in the poor me and why can't I find a partner trip..it's a waste of your precious time.
good luck to you Gary,
Dusty | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:23:21 AM |
It would seem, reading the posts in this topic many could use personal counseling
You weren't going for Brownie Points when you wrote this opinion, were you? | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:38:20 AM | Ma'm,
my point was..
If you get to a point you blame yourself for being single or even become a widow/er some counseling is good for everyone. Getting lost in work or yes even a dating site forum shouldn't be a replacement for being out in the real world.
Believe me... I know first hand.
I cut my computer time to 1 hour a nite and get out and meet folks whether ina a resturaunt ot a bar or even helping a neighbor.
Nothing sinister was every implyed.
Dusty | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:38:50 AM | Do you remember how you feel ...in the moment...after divorce?
So...take deep breath...and stop comfort your self with complaining on single life...
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 6:31:35 AM | AHHH! I understand your point now! Thanks for the explanation Mr. Knight. I agree that some counseling is good for those that are blaming themselves ( or even others) for their singlehood provided the counselor is also "doing their job". A counselor can only lead us in a healthy direction. But, they can't do the personal work required, for us to move on. I guess I'm from the school of thought that each of us, are ultimately responsible for our own healing.
That said, I agree that a dating site should not be a replacement for living our daily lives. I see a dating site as a way to broaden our horizons, in order to search and/or meet a potential mate and as a tool to learn how to be single or how not to be single. And, the forums can be quite educational, at times, for this. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 6:44:11 AM | "Before long you will know you don't need another person to complete you. "
That truth should be talk in school long before people think of marriage. The idea that people must be part of a couple which sometimes seems forced on us by society can be very damaging if people are feeling fragile. If a person doesn't feel complete within themselves being part of a couple isn't going to help in the long run. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:01:02 AM | Well...forcing somebody by society...it was long time before...I was born...
(excluding some cultures...of course).
Now...more young and older people to not tend to be married. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 11:57:05 AM | "Well...forcing somebody by society...it was long time before...I was born..."
I don't know what society you belong to, by even the income tax system is set up to benefit married couples. Certainly fewer people marry now, but just as many live together without being married. Society in general teaches people that unless they are part of a couple then something is quite right. All you have to do is read of the the threads here to see that idea repeated over and over.
All this pressure to force people to be part of a couple, when people should be incouraged to be comfortable with themselves long before they ever consider being part of a couple. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 12:21:54 PM | My society... is normal...educated...family oriented...
If we think couple...we think married couple...and it has nothing with money...
People can have different ideas...but I don't have to accept them. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:06:30 PM | My Response:
Moraima … I can understand how you & others might get the impression that I am pining away 24/7 & searching for my happiness through another person … convinced that I need someone (as you stated) "to complete me." However, I don't think that is an accurate snapshot of me at all. I think I’m a pretty well adjusted guy. I invested almost 2 yrs after my divorce was final working on some personal issues that included codependency, depression, low self-esteem & others. Which by the way, I think are pretty typical of individuals who experience the end of a very long & meaningful relationship. I have put the past behind me and I am focused on what lies ahead for me.
The point that I guess I didn’t make very well in my original post is that I miss having someone special in my life not because I NEED it but because I WANTt it. It’s a conscious decision on my part ... not the result of some psychological problem.
I’ve always believed that we go through 3 distinct stages in our life. The 1st stage is dependency. When we are born we are all dependent on others for our care. As we got older & begin to mature we enter the 2nd stage of life … independence. That’s the stage where we begin making our own decisions & dealing with the consequences of those decisions. The third & final stage of life (& the highest stage in my opinion) is interdependency. That’s where we choose to enter into a relationship & share our life with another human being. There are those who will call me stubborn for my beliefs but I simply don’t think our Higher Power placed us on this earth to live a life of seclusion or to find satisfaction separate from the rest of the world.
There is a word that is often described to explain how a group of people working effectivbely together can achieve results that far exceed what those same individuals can achieve independently. The word I am talking about in SYNERGy. Synergy shows us that 1+1 can equal som uch more than 2. That's how I feel about my existence. I will ahieve the ultimate contentment & satisfaction only through the act of sharing my life with another person. That is why having someone special in my life is so imprtant.
Some of my most satisfying moments are the result of sharing my life with another person. Yes … I have other people in my life already. Like I said in my original posting … I count my blessing every day for my two my son & daughter who have enriched my life beyond words. My two grandsons & brand new granddaughter provide me with constant love & attention and for that I am also very thankful. And I also have a wonderful circle of close friends that are as committed to me as I am to them. But these people can’t take the place of someone that you choose to share you life with. Someone to enjoy the good times with & support during the difficult times. I’d be very shocked if others who have had the joy of being involved in a successful long term relationship can’t relate to what I am referring to.
So to return to your point … I don’t feel the way I do because society or others have forced me to feel this way. I’m not looking to live my life or find my happiness through another person. I have simply experienced what it is like to be in love and to completely share your life with another person and& I truly miss it. I don’t think I suggested that because I find myself alone these days & without someone special in my life that I am extremely vulnerable or fragile. However, I am uncomfortable & frustrated & that was the purpose of my posting. To share those feelings with others & try to understand how others who have had similar experiences dealt with it.
I respect your opinion and those of others who have presented very convincing arguments for how to be perfectly content & happy without the need to share their life with another person. I just hope people can understand my wants & desires without the need to label me as codependent or emotionally unstable. I also think I may have contributed to some people reaching the wrong conclusions so I wanted to provide a little more depth to my particular situation.
By the way … I’d like to thank everyone for their very kind words & understanding. I really appreciate all of the advice & suggestions I have received. I’ve met a lot of good people on this site and this forum discussion as simply served to validate just how caring & compassionate the POF community is.
Thanks Again & God Bless,
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:55:47 PM | | unfortunately..I have become so used to being single and so happy with my own company..I must warn others that this can happen..you can really get used to yourself..and not want to have to plan around the needs of another person..I now look at woman as I look at my teenage son ..alot of work ...not alot of appreciation the other way.. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:47:52 PM | Yes, Gary,
You have stated your case very well. Unless someone has been married while in their teens and it was a successful relationship for a number of years, they don't understand how incomplete a person can feel.
Divorce for me was too easy. Things could have been worked out. I know that now. But, the past is past. The future is in the future. Today is the only time to concern ourselves with.
Like you, Gary, I have tried it all. Counseling, sports, involved strongly in my health, volunteering, going back to college, joining clubs, seeking and making friends, family ties and more. I have worked HARD at doing all the stuff the psycho-babble says we must. Still have that yearning to be coupled. That's how it is. PERIOD.
I believe most of us have bought into such psycho-babble as: " All this pressure to force people to be part of a couple, when people should be incouraged to be comfortable with themselves long before they ever consider being part of a couple." Says who? "You first have to love yourself before you can love someone else." (There goes your lifetime.) And the women's movements "society has convinced us we need someone to be in our lives." And on, and on. Well, folks, I think we need to start questioning some of this dogma. We accept this crap as if it were sent down from God or something. Who got MARRIED after age 60??????? Yes, GLORIA STEINHEM, queen of the women's movement.
I believe the human animal is not "hard wired" for being alone. As a whole are we any happier today than we were before all this uncoupling came about? I don't think so.
And for someone to say, "stop comforting yourself by complaining about being single." This borderlines on cruel. While self pity is not somewhere we want to live, unless you have walked in a person's shoes, better keep unempathetic statements like this to yourself. They do no one any good.
Come on people, if we were all that comfortable about living alone and being single.....would we be on this website? Would matchmaking be a billion dollar business? Be honest with yourself.
But, we must accept things as the are. We can not FORCE someone to love us and want to spend the rest of their lives with us. Many of us have done all the right things and have taken the courage to stick our necks out here on sites such as this; to no avail. We must tell ourselves "our lives are as they should be". And go on.
Best regards to all,
Liz | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:51:09 PM | | Gary, 2 years is a very short time period. Give the problem another 5 years, and see how you feel. Trust me after another 5 years you will feel wonderful, and everything will be changed for the better. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:25:53 PM | | *falls off chair* Give it another 5 years? that's what, 10 percent of our life so far? I don't THINK so! | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:22:50 PM | Some words of wisdom for you ........... get used to it ,,,, get a life , do what you enjoy ,,,,,, and if you are still single after all that ,,,, at least you'll be enjoying what you are doing ,,, it's not so bad ,,, quite good actually .....  | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:07:35 AM | Gary,
I read your posts and I really feel for you, because it is so obvious you crave a relationship again.
Being single and feeling contentment in that life is something we all acquire over time.
Which may be not always good, but it is a way to have peace in life.
When our children grow up and leave home, we have to make adjustments of the empty home . Not having anyone to do for anymore. Nobody there to worry about 24/7, because they no longer need or want that from you.
You have to relate to them as adults now, and not the children you spent your lifetime protecting and caring for.
Then throw into the mix no partner, to share your hours with.
It can be a lonely place if you allow it to be.
You need to welcome others into your life to fill that gap left by the ex-spouse and the children that have moved on to their adult lives.
It isnt always easy. But being single does in time become a way of life, if you let it.
The problem is sometimes being single becomes so comfortable, that we get to the point of wondering, if we would be just as comfortable being part of a couple.
Learn to accept that you are not in a relationship now, and stop fighting it.
Change your way of thinking, even if you have to do it conciously and with effort for the time being.
Make it your goal to find the things in life you like to do , that will help you to feel complete. Rely of friends and family to fill your lonely times.
There is no real magic to learning to be single, it just happens with time.
I have been single for far too many years, and would love to have a partner again.
But I want it to be my last- lasting relationship. I am not good at dating, I do not enjoy the process at all.
But I realize the only way I am going to meet the person that I can spend the remainder of my life with is to meet new people.
For a long time I shut myself off from that, I spent my life alone intentionally.
But I think that was the time I needed to put the past behind me.
Maybe you need some more time, to put the past to rest, to become comfortable
with yourself, before meeting your lasting relationship.
edit
Just read your most recent post, (Note to self, read the whole thread before commenting, )
So maybe you are ready, and are just the type of person that is more content with
a relationship.
But it does seem like you re-visit your past alot, like you havent quite let go.
sorry-JMO
If you are truely ready Gary, then hopefully soon you will meet the person for you.
As stated in the above, I also think I am ready, but finding the person that compliments me , is not an easy task.
They say anything worthwhile in life does not come easy,
so I hope for both of us, and all the other fishies, we find that person that we are hopeing to meet. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:37:05 AM | To barra57 (Msg #72):
“It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you
very often get it.”
~William Somerset Maugham
(English short-story Writer, Novelist and Playwright, 1874-1965)
I suppose we each define "the best" based on our own personal experiences. I appreciate your words of wisdom but I think I'm going to continue to on the path I've been taking a lttle while longer.
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 7:53:56 AM | Gary,
You're a total sweetheart and I don't think you should give up on the goal of a happy second marriage, because I'm convinced that's a realistic goal for you. (Frankly, it isn't, for everybody.)
IN THE MEANTIME - one thing that takes the sting out of singleness is good friends to spend quality time with. It helps a LOT. Some of those friends can be people you've dated or are dating now. I enjoy getting together with an ex-boyfriend (in his late 60s.. boyfriend doesn't sound right, does it?) and his SO and we have wonderful discussions about politics, culture, and life. There are other ex-dates that I still see non-romantically for a lunch or dinner. As long as everyone understands the basis, it's not sneaky, sleazy, or manipulative.
Keep up your search, but keep up your emotional health in the meantime. You'll succeed! Always remember that!
Best wishes, B.S. | |
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