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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:26:44 AM | "*falls off chair* Give it another 5 years? that's what, 10 percent of our life so far? I don't THINK so! "
Then just what are you going to do? Whine some more? Jump into bad relationship and start the cycle all over again.
This isn't a choice factor. Unless people learn to love themselves first, they will always end up co dependant whch is a receipe for future dysfunctional couple behaviour. That means setting up a happy single lifestyle.
In the last 5 years, I haven't been part of a couple. I have had amazing adventure, and travel internationally to meet up with wonderful friends, plus much more. I enjoyed the last 5 years to the max. I could have spent it focused my "loss". Thank God I have been given the tools to enjoy life no matter what.
How are you folks going to spend the next 5 years? | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 11:44:53 AM | Moraima (Msg #76),
I'm not sure having feelings of loneliness or desiring to be in a successful relationship should automatically me condependent. Once again ... I'm not broke, just uncomfortable. I also don't uderstand why desiting to be in a successful relationship means I don't love myself. Quite to the contrary ... in order to have a successful relationship (like I had in the past) I think it's necessary that you love yourself first.
You stated that you have had an amazing adventure, traveled internationally to meet up with wonderful friends & much more ... enjoying the last 5 yrs to the max. Well, I've been on a pretty exciting journey myself. I visted my son in England last year & had the pleasure of watching score a goal in a hockey game! I attended his college & then police academy graduations. I was on hand for the birth of my grandson & granddaughter. I've enjoyed the company of good friends & continue to do so. But simply because I desire someone special in my life does not make me the poster child for Depression Weekly.
How do I intend to spend the next 5 yrs? Well, probably similar to I have the past 5. Will I still have a desire to meet someone speical after that? I certainly hope so. Sharing your life can be a joy & provide you with a contentment & happiness that very few other things can.
Yes I have my lonely moments & occasionally I may get a little frustrated ... but I haven't lost my desire or my motivation & I hope I don't. I guess that's what makes life so intererstng ... we are all the same but we are all so different. Some enjoy the freedom & liberation of being alone while others love the happiness & contentment that sharing their life can provide. There's no wrong answers ... only different ones!
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 1:18:06 PM | Gary you are misunderstand what I am trying to say.
"I'm not sure having feelings of loneliness or desiring to be in a successful relationship should automatically me condependent. "
Of course it doesn't automatically mean co dependancy. What does often lead to repeat co dependancy is the overwhelming need to be part of a couple.
How would you would have spent the last 5 years if you didn't have a child might shead some light? Some people become co dependant on their children to fill there single lifestyle, and some people don't.
Certainly we are all different and have different needs. It is the want to be in a relationship but the need to be in one that I see as a problem. You know yourself much better than any of use could ever do. If you don't see it to be a problem, then maybe it isn't. I am only going by the amount of comments that you have made over a period of time about your need/want to be a married man again. You say that being single makes you uncomfortable. That would why myself if I said that would myself. I could be comfortable for the rest of my life single or I could be comfortable if I meet the right person being married. I have had a good marriage so I know I can be happily married. In my case, what I am finding today is that there isn't anyone around that interestes me. | |
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Posted: 6/7/2008 2:50:30 PM | Moraima,
I think you are right … we are misunderstanding each other.
You Stated:
“Of course it doesn't automatically mean co dependancy. What does often lead to repeat co dependancy is the overwhelming need to be part of a couple.
My Comment:
I’ve stated several times now that it’s not that I NEED to be part of a couple but I WANT to be a part of a couple. I think there is a very big difference. And I thought it was interesting that you stated that you see WANTING to be in a relationship as a problem. I think there area a lot of people who share your view. Many because they have found a way to be perfectly content in what I referred to earlier as the 2nd stage of maturity … Independence vs. the 3rd stage of maturity that I admit to seeking … Interdependence.
If I understand you correctly … you could be comfortable in a relationship if the right person came along. However, you have found your independence comforting enough that you don’t have a compelling desire to take a proactive approach to find someone to share you life with. The primary point of my original post was to say … I’ve not been able to find the comfort that you & others have found in being single. I still feel like something is missing & it’s satisfying the desire to share my life with another person.
Now if your point is that along with a relationship comes a lot of hard work, compromise & acceptance … well, I couldn’t agree with you more. But in my way of thinking … it’s just those things that make a relationship so special & rewarding. I’ve never been the type to take the easy way out … you can call it determination or you can call it stubbornness. All I know is that anyone who is currently involved in a successful relationship or has been in one inthe past can attest to the value.
As in a lot of cases … I think we can agree to disagree on which is best. And perhaps both views are. After all it’s our differences that make us special.
Thanks,
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:02:00 PM | I'm not in relationship...even I'm still married...whatever...I feel I'm single.I'm not alone...I have family too...friends around the world...
But I have joy inside me....and I don't have anybody to share that joy.I have my wonderful heart...touching hands...but I KNOW ...it is too late in my life...to reach what my mind and heart want.
I travel a lot...but my happy place is my home...and I think...if you are happy at home...you are really happy...
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 3:22:54 PM |
I'm not sure having feelings of loneliness or desiring to be in a successful relationship should automatically me condependent. Once again ... I'm not broke, just uncomfortable. I also don't uderstand why desiting to be in a successful relationship means I don't love myself. Quite to the contrary ... in order to have a successful relationship (like I had in the past) I think it's necessary that you love yourself first.
Learning to laugh at idiots can be very helpful. You'll never be disappointed and dating will be something you can actually look forward to. You'll get to see many forms of narrow minds and can go home alone with a grin on your face knowing you're more secure in being able to make good decisions about the kind of person that will bore you with trite psycho-babble.
Then, sooner or later, you'll actually be surprised and meet someone that is capable of treating you as an equal rather than some kind of apprentice that needs to show you how to think like they.
The hard part might be containing your laughter and appearing insensitive. Then you need to be prepared to handle those psycho-babblers calling you names, accusing you of stalking and imploring others to join in with their babbling as though that makes it seem intelligent. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 5:41:31 PM | Before I start Gary, I would like to say that I do respect you, and if I am wrong about the following, I apoligize.
You said "I’ve not been able to find the comfort that you & others have found in being single. I still feel like something is missing & it’s satisfying the desire to share my life with another person."
That to me sounds like a hope to get back to co dependancy not interdependancy.
Sounds like you don't like to be independant.
"if your point is that along with a relationship comes a lot of hard work, compromise & acceptance "
I never found my marriage to be work or compromise in any way. Yes we accepted each other. We were both Alpha and had no problem living our own lives but as a couple. (I think we would need to sit down face too face to go through a Q & A to get an exact understanding about what the other was talking about.) Having been with someone who was happy for me to be independant and still be his wife, and also he enjoying be independant while still in the marriage, I know it worked for us.
When I see people talking about how much work their marriage was, I can't relate.
I simply never felt that way about my marriage. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 8:13:13 PM | Moraima,
There is no need for you to apologize. I think we each have unique perspectives on this topic & I think that is healthy. No doubt our perspectives are based on each of our personal histories & experiences.
You Stated:
You said "I’ve not been able to find the comfort that you & others have found in being single. I still feel like something is missing & it’s satisfying the desire to share my life with another person." That to me sounds like a hope to get back to co dependency not interdependency. Sounds like you don't like to be independent.
My Response:
According to Webster’s Dictionary:
in·ter·de·pend·ent –adjective mutually dependent; depending on each other.
So by definition I think you are correct. In order to achieve the higher form of interdependent maturity it requires each person in the relationship to sacrifice some of their own personal independence & make compromises for the relationship.
You Stated:
You said "I’ve not been able to find the comfort that you & others have found in being single. I still feel like something is missing & it’s satisfying the desire to share my life with another person." That to me sounds like a hope to get back to co dependancy not interdependancy. Sounds like you don't like to be independent.
My Response:
According to Webster’s Dictionary:
co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent (kō'dĭ-pěn'dənt) -adj.
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
What’s really interesting to me is that the 1st definition matches the definition for “interdependent”. However, from the manner in which you used the term I suspect you were using co dependent as defined by the 2nd definition. Like I’ve tried to explain … I don’t feel that my desire to be in a healthy relationship or my discomfort with being single is similar to someone addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior. I started seeing a psychologist long before my divorce 4 yrs ago & I continue to see him today. We’ve discussed my desires & he agrees that they are not unhealthy or suggest a tendency towards codependency. He encourages me to be proactive in my efforts to satisfy this desire & while the results haven't been all that spectacular I continue to do just that.
You Stated:
"if your point is that along with a relationship comes a lot of hard work, compromise & acceptance". I never found my marriage to be work or compromise in any way. Yes we accepted each other. We were both Alpha and had no problem living our own lives but as a couple. (I think we would need to sit down face too face to go through a Q & A to get an exact understanding about what the other was talking about.) Having been with someone who was happy for me to be independent and still be his wife, and also he enjoying be independent while still in the marriage, I know it worked for us. When I see people talking about how much work their marriage was, I can't relate. I simply never felt that way about my marriage.
My Response:
From my personal observations one of the most common causes for the failure of relationships is that one or both people become complacent. By that I mean they get so comfortable that they stop doing the little things that they did early on in their relationship. Like telling & showing their partner how much they love them. Giving their partner 100% of their respect & devotion. Talking care of themselves out of respect for their partner. I could go on & on but I think you understand what I am getting at. The relationship becomes so comfortable people assume they no longer have to do the little things & before they know it the relationship begins to fail.
Now, if your position is that you don’t consider those things work well, I guess that’s understandable. However, in the 1st 20 yrs of my marriage I worked VERY hard to find new & interesting ways to say “I love you”. It was work but I loved every minute of it.
Now my guess is after reading this you are probably thinking we aren’t nearly as different as you started to think we were. However, like I said … since our views are shaped by our own unique experiences it has to create a little different paradigm in each of us.
By the way … we are in total agreement on one point. I have a great deal of respect for you & your opinions.
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:35:05 PM | Becoming single after 22 years of marriage was a difficult thing.
After 6 years of being single, have found being single is not the hardest thing at all. I have learned to cope, with being single , got a lot of interests and have kept very busy, raising the kids and turning my interests into an invention, so am lucky.
The hardest part I have found, is actually just hitting me lately as I can look back on things with a more detached mind as see things the way they really were. It is the loss of my rather naive, romantic beliefs that I have the hardest time learning to live with. Always thought love, could never be destroyed, loss, was for life. Now, I find I am sceptical of it all, becoming 'hard" so to speak and that I dont like.
Learn to be single? Human beings adapt , evolve, so you will naturally start to learn to cope. The problem is when what you evolve to, isnt you anymore. Learning to be single isnt half as hard as learning to love again , its what I think anyway.
Just dont leave it so long , that you doubt love still exists in this old world , best of luck and I hope you dont ever "learn" to be single , start to doubt the existance of love. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 9:39:40 PM | Gary, this has been a very interesting topic and I have checked in frequently on it. We all have sort of acted as armchair councelers on this topic. Most of us have shared some of the same problems but had such different lives and reactions to it all. I do not think you are wrong in how you feel. It is a God given drive in most of us to have a life long partner, To enjoy each other and to enjoy doing things for each other. I can only speak for myself. I don't know why I have never re-married, as that is one of my desires of my heart. I have been divorced over 20 years now, did have one LTR for nearly 14 years, but never married. I was most content when there was someone exclusive in my life, but it didn't work out in the end. I think that a lot of my problem was that I couldn't get past some of the things in the past. No one else can fix that for me, I have to work on that myself. But I do desire to be part of a committed couple. I have 2 older sisters, one is widowed now for 3 years and one divorced for nearly 35 years. The divorced woman is not even the least bit interested in meeting anyone and doesn't date at all, and can't understand why I would. I do not understand why she is the way she is either. My sister that is widowed is content with her life and had a long and happy marriage until his sudden death, but if someone did come along, she is not opposed to another marriage.
I have felt that God has a reason for my life ( still do not know what it is) but I need to be content in state that I am in until the time comes for the good to come along. He hasn't forgotten about me nor has he you. Someone remarked in an earlier post that we can't experience the real joy until we have experience the bad. I tend to agree with that. You can really appreciate being on the mountain top after being in the valley for a long time.
After reading a lot of your posts, you sound like a very good and level-headed person and I find you very respectable.
Good luck,
Dixie | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/7/2008 10:50:38 PM | WE are a communal species!
We come to gather to raise families, to build cities, to share ceramonies (sp?).
It's in our DNA, it's in our nurture, it's in our nature.
To deny it is to undermine our self.
To be comfortable alone with oneself is healthy.
But, to deny our nature is unhealthy.
IMHO | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/8/2008 5:20:17 AM |
According to Webster’s Dictionary:
in·ter·de·pend·ent –adjective mutually dependent; depending on each other.
According to Webster’s Dictionary:
co-de·pen·dent or co·de·pen·dent (kō'dĭ-pěn'dənt) -adj.
1. Mutually dependent.
2. Of or relating to a relationship in which one person is psychologically dependent in an unhealthy way on someone who is addicted to a drug or self-destructive behavior, such as chronic gambling.
If you get the point on code-dependent behavior you'll have to learn the code first. When you recognize code-dependent in your self, it's best to avoid all relationships because someone might figure out your code and then you won't have that mystery factor to attract those that need to figure out the code.
Presenting alternate arguments to those that are codependent is usually futile. They have circular reasoning and will be stuck in trying to present the same statements repeatedly for justifying their own behavior. Someone that is codependent will not be able to tell they are because they are delusional. Self destructive behavior (destruction of the self) usually entails someone willing to participate in the destruction. That's why those that 'aren't into dating' come to dating sites, they need to present their arguments to find someone help in that destruction.
Part of your sense of self comes from how you interact in your relationships and having the gratification of making someone else feel good is what you are missing. Nothing wrong with that! However, when you try to present arguments to someone that isn't willing to hear them you will only frustrate yourself. It would be better to bang your head against a wall because in the end you develop a harder head and it makes for good entertainment at parties when you can break boards over your head. | |
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Posted: 6/8/2008 5:38:30 AM | Moraima, in statistics terms, you are an outlier. Your experience is so far outside the norm that you might just have to be excluded from the analysis as "bad data." That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, necessarily, but it does suggest you shouldn't be giving advice or opinions on how to live to people that conform more closely to the norm (i.e., norm-al people). What works for you probably isn't appropriate for most people.
I don't know what you meant by your husband and you were both Alphas, that's some kind of code that I don't get, it makes me wonder if you were Scientologists or something. But again, most of us aren't Alphas (I don't think?) so how about if you just advise the other Alphas and don't attempt to reform the rest of us ... who aren't like you. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/8/2008 4:42:53 PM | Blithe_Spirit in Msg#89 Stated:
Moraima, in statistics terms, you are an outlier. Your experience is so far outside the norm that you might just have to be excluded from the analysis as "bad data." That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, necessarily, but it does suggest you shouldn't be giving advice or opinions on how to live to people that conform more closely to the norm (i.e., norm-al people). What works for you probably isn't appropriate for most people. I don't know what you meant by your husband & you were both Alphas, that's some kind of code that I don't get, it makes me wonder if you were Scientologists or something. But again, most of us aren't Alphas (I don't think?) so how about if you just advise the other Alphas & don't attempt to reform the rest of us ... who aren't like you.
The “Alpha” you made ref to was from the following statement contained in Moraima’s Msg# 82- posted on 6/7/2008 @ 5 31 PM:
I never found my marriage to be work or compromise in any way. Yes we accepted each other. We were both Alpha & had no problem living our own lives but as a couple.
My Comments:
Blithe Spirit … Moraima is a regular contributor to the POF forums. I always find her comments both intelligent & insightful. Unless you know her personally I would hesitate to analyze her based a single statement she that has made in a forum response. I found nothing in her response offensive or anything other than a refreshingly different perspective than my own on this topic. Please note the following …
Alpha Personality Types:
goal-orientated, dedicated, confident, a tendency to want to participate & solve problems, rather than shy away from them, a take charge attitude.
So, Moriama was attempting to suggest that even though she & her ex were “Alpha” personality types, they did not struggle w/accepting each other in their relationship while also accepting each other’s independence. I think that is a very valid comment & one that warrants our respect.
I think everyone’s perspective is valid where these forum topics are involved. If your criticism of Moriama was meant to support my position, while I appreciate your concern … I think your comments were unwarranted. My whole intention of submitting this post was to explain how I felt & get some other people’s perspectives. That’s exactly what Moriama & others did. For that I am very grateful.
I want everyone to know that simply because I provided my views on being single … I respect opposing viewpoints that are much different than mind & the last thing I would want to happen is for a regular contributor to the POF forums to be discouraged from participating due to a critical respothat another POF member has made. I think we all need to be more tolerant & respectful of the viewpoints & opinions offered by others even if they don’t agree with ours.
Thanks,
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/8/2008 6:59:03 PM | "From my personal observations one of the most common causes for the failure of relationships is that one or both people become complacent. By that I mean they get so comfortable that they stop doing the little things that they did early on in their relationship. Like telling & showing their partner how much they love them.
& before they know it the relationship begins to fail.
I experienced none of the above. What I did experience was becoming a widow after having a good marriage, so I can't relate to the above. The above doesn't have to ever happen in a marriage.
"Now, if your position is that you don’t consider those things work well, I guess that’s understandable. However, in the 1st 20 yrs of my marriage I worked VERY hard to find new & interesting ways to say “I love you”. It was work but I loved every minute of it."
I have to repeat that my marriage was never work for me. We told each other many times during the day that we loved each other and we meant it. We respected ourselves, so we would never let ourselves go physically.
I think it must be very difficult for someone to imagine a good marriage when they haven't had one.
All I can say is that I believe if we pick the right person marriage will be happy and never work.
I love my day job, so it doesn't seem like work. I loved my marriage so no work there either. | |
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Posted: 6/8/2008 7:14:21 PM | Gary: I studied psychology at university for many years and never heard of the alpha personality type. Whose theory is that? The definition you gave is from some rather lame website that came up third or fourth when I googled "alpha personality type." I did see several references to alpha personality type in dogs, but I refuse to accept that people are no more complex than dogs. (Though it is often said that all men are dogs. )
I suspect what you and Moraima are talking is psychobabble, which is worse than no psychology at all. (On that much, MacK and I agree.)
I stick to my point about her being an outlier. If you value her opinion, that's fine, but she gives me the creeps.
B.S. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/8/2008 8:16:36 PM | Blithe_Spirit,
Not sure if you would conside the APA (American Psychological Assoc) a respect authority but I found several references i ntheir literature to alpha-type personailities.
Links To American Psychological Association
Based in Washington, DC, the American Psychological Association (APA) is a scientific & professional organization that represents psychology in the United States. With 148,000 members, APA is the largest association of psychologists worldwide
http://www.apa.org/results.html?cx=004712435678442832158%3Auo23vzm3_zo&cof=FORID%3A11&q=%22alpha+male%22&sa.x=9&sa.y=14#888
Alpha Male
Central to this argument is the assumption that the “alpha male” at the top of the dominance hierarchy, is a bully who rules the troop using violence and ...
www.apa.org/divisions/div51/Newsletter/fall%2005%20newsletter/div51/01.htm
Newsletter - APA Division 51 - Society for the Psychological Study ...The athlete is promised the spoils of being an Alpha Male, which includes access to women, drugs, and VIP treatment. Little does he know that the only ...
www.apa.org/divisions/Div51/Newsletter/Winter04bulletin.html
PsycNET - Display RecordCoaching the Alpha Male. Harvard Business Review, May, 58-67. McGregor, D. (1985). The human side of enterprise, 25th anniversary printing. ...
content.apa.org/journals/cpb/58/2/91
PsycARTICLES - Leadership and Managing AmbivalenceA strong, assertive leader, commonly referred to as an Alpha male or Alpha female, ..... Coaching the alpha male. Harvard Business Review, May, 58-67. May ...
content.apa.org/journals/cpb/58/2/91.html
As a former psychology student I am sure you will enjoy the articles!
Gary | |
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Posted: 6/8/2008 8:41:32 PM | Gary,
ALL of those articles you cited are referring to the "alpha male," not the "alpha personality type." They are extrapolating from animal behavior, which I grant you does have some parallel in human behavior, but to speak of the alpha male, which is a position in a social hierarchy, and overlay that onto personality theory, is scientifically invalid. Says Wikipedia,
In reference to humans, the terms "alpha" and "beta" in this usage are often confused with the old psychological terms type-alpha and type-beta personalities, now commonly known as type-A and type-B.
What we have here is a failure to define our terms. I couldn't care less, though. It doesn't change my assertion, which I won't repeat here.
Good night and sleep tight! B.S. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/8/2008 9:59:58 PM | | I was with my late husband for 20 years before I left him Dec 2001 because of his drinking and the way he treated me when he drank. I don't feel that I've ever had a really great relationship with a man, but the closest I ever came to it was the first few years with him before his drinking had totally altered his personality and the few times he stopped drinking during our marriage. Those times never lasted long and they were few and far between. I was so extremely unhappy and lonely during most of my marriage, that being alone was a huge relief. It was peaceful. I moved to Bloomington for my physical safety but found that I loved it there. I joined the hiking club, took belly dance lessons, went to Jazzercise classes 4 nights a week. I had a job I loved and made new friends. I also went to a lot of the free concerts and different festivals. I was almost always alone, and that sometimes made me feel a little strange, but I was okay with that. Last year my husband died and 2 weeks later my job ended. I had to move back to the town I had lived in all my life and now I'm having to deal with all the losses I've suffered. It seems that being back in the town where I'm constantly reminded of my old life, my old home, and everything we had built up together, has really set me back. I finally found a job, but it's just a job, not something that makes me feel good like my old job did. For the first time since I left my husband, I'm starting to feel lonely. I'm not in a position to move at this time. It seems that I have to stay here and deal with everything with very few distractions since there's nothing to do here and I don't have the money to go too far, especially with the price of gas now. So I've been alone and loving it until the last year. Maybe I wouldn't have been strong enough to go through loneliness too when I first left him because it truly has been a nightmare on so many levels, but I guess I don't get to skip the being lonely part altogether. It's just taken me 7 years to get to it. | |
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Posted: 6/8/2008 11:34:07 PM | One of the most important things for me and "becoming single" has been for me to gain a broad network of many friends. With a multitude of healthy friendships, I don't feel the "urge" to be married again so much. I can call a friend or get together with someone most anytime I want. Someone is generally available to get together with, or talk on the phone... And what's really nice is that I don't have to deal with their "dirty laundry!"
Now, granted, my friendships don't do anything for my DESIRE for a physical intimacy/touch of a man, or sexual relationship on occasion. THAT issue is a little bit tougher. I do have to redirect my mind on occasion, because I am not going to hop into bed with just anyone. To me, a sexual relationship is "icing" on the relationship cake. If I don't have a healthy "loving" partnership (i.e.: soulmate of sorts), then having the "sex" is not worth it.
To me... SOULMATE defined: Teamwork: Mutual respect... earned and deserved!
...each has their strengths and we should "synergize." Interdependence.
Excellence in communication without games or manipulation. Honest, forthright and transparent.
Of the same World View:.. spiritual like-mindedness. Discerning, but not judgemental.
Loving/giving, but not a doormat. Goal-oriented within the relationship, and in life...
Putting effort and concern into our relationship AND life: motivated to succeed...not complacent.
Laughs together, and maybe at each other... but never with a mean spirit.
So to me, LEARNING TO BE SINGLE... also means LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT A CONVENIENT SEXUAL PARTNER.
If I can't have a loving teamwork relationship, I am not going to be a piece of meat for someone else to use for convenience...
I value myself too much to just be a piece of meat.
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. . . . . . . . . | |
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Posted: 6/9/2008 3:47:44 AM | Hey, Gary, I have rejoined the pool and taking a much needed break. You and I have shared someemails about the roads we have traveled and believe we think alot a like.
I like my life, I have good friends and I have love in my life from friends--women and men and I don't have sex with either before that pops out of someone's keyboard. I go dancing, hiking, out to dinner, have the rare date.
I have studied psych also and in case studies men and women can have the alpha quality depending on the situtation. I can't tell you how many men have told me that I intimidate them on the dance floor, they tell me know matter which they they lead on the dance floor--I follow and my brain says this is probably the only time you will be able to tell me what to do..............
I posted this in another thread: I am not incomplete when I am not with someone. I am self-reliant and I can generate my own feelings of fulfillment. My attractiveness is in the eye of the beholder. But there is nothing wrong with wanting another person in your life, in your corner, to feel like someone treasures you above all others.
I see lots of couples who are not 'together' even when they are walking side by side. I see couples sitting in restaurants all the time and the only words spoken are to the server. I don't need that. The only person they smile at is the server. I see other couples who can't keep their eyes off each other, who smile and chat all through dinner--the food is secondary--the relationship that they are working on is primary. What is wrong with being loved and wanting to be loved and have a relationship with another that is yours alone? I understand that yearning for the little things you either had in a relationship or you know are possible in a relationship.
What is wrong with wanting a haven--a port in the storm? I can handle anything life throws at me, but what is wrong with having someone to hold me while it happens? Having someone to share the great times, the average times and the life sucks times would make the bad easier and enhance the good. Being able to come home or call and say, "Honey, guess what great thing happened to me today!" Receiving a hug and someone who says, "Baby, I am so proud of you!"
I am not saying I want to marry again, but to have a relationship and see where it goes---yeah, I am up for that. I won't curl up and die if it does not happen. .......but the right man could help me pull down the bricks of that wall I seem to have build. The right man could see over it and think that what was behind it was pretty darn special. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/9/2008 4:42:41 AM |
Blithe Spirit … Moraima is a regular contributor to the POF forums. I always find her comments both intelligent & insightful.
Funny, I too find those statements insightful but I don't equate repetitive as intelligent.
Unless you know her personally I would hesitate to analyze her based a single statement she that has made in a forum response.
Right, just analyze the statement, then analyze it again.... and again.... and again....
I studied psychology at university for many years and never heard of the alpha personality type. Whose theory is that?
Maybe you need to do a bit more study to relate to us commoners.
Alpha male dogs make sure no other males get sex and Alpha females make the other females feed their offspring.
I've seen many studies on this type of behavior in humans (usually called bullies) and it's detrimental effects on group behavior. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/9/2008 2:10:59 PM | Good comments Gary. It sucks being single sometimes especially this time of year when you see couples out for drives and gatherings for BBQ's. I look at it as a tempory thing. I don't plan to be single for the rest of my life. I enjoy being the other 1/2. Just haven't found the right other 1/2 yet but I know he is out there somewhere and feels the same way I do. I have been on my own for over 2 years now and you do need that time to find out who you are and pick up the pieces. (done now) The longer I am on my own though I wonder what it would be like having a partner 24/7 ?? But then I think it would be nice to come home to someone besides my faithful animals. They don't talk much...LOL...
It will happen though because we want it to. | |
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zeeba
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Joined: 3/27/2008
Msg: 100 | |
| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/9/2008 4:59:15 PM | Gary,
What an interesting thread you have started! I've been reading through the pages, and I can appreciate what everyone has to say one way or the other. My comments will most likely sound more cynical than most; it does seem that there is a difference between those of you who have been married and divorced, or who have broken up after long-term relationships.
In my case, I've always been single...so I guess I never had to learn how to do it to begin with. So, I think you don't miss what you never had. I've grown so much more cynical in the last few years, partly because I cannot seem to attract or find the "right" sort of man for a relationship. The married ones flock to me (no, thank you) and the single ones either run away screaming or manage to go out with me one or two times before disappearing into the witness protection program. (Sorry for the bitterness, BTW.)
I've changed with these experiences, and definitely not for the better. I have a very hard shell now that wasn't there several years ago, and I'm sure it can be sensed. Learning how to be single? Many of us have had no other choice, and it's not so bad once you accept the inevitable. | |
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