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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/9/2008 5:46:37 PM | To me, the solution to this topic: “Learning How to be Single”, is the same as anything that one must do in life that is not pleasant – or a personal preference. If you can’t change the details of the situation, you must change how you look at it. It’s all about attitude.
We’re into a very suddenly-hot and sticky period where I live in Canada right now, and there was a time this afternoon that I really wanted to horf down a hot-fudge sundae and then (believe it or not) take my shoes off and walk along the beach by the lake. It’s always cooler by the lake at this time of year. But today I was by myself, and doing these things alone, just ain’t the same. Today, the single-type life that I lead just didn’t cut it, but right now, there’s really nothing I can do about it. So I have these choices – to let it bother me (eat away at me?) or find a way to deal with it and see some good in the situation I’m in. Attitude.
There’s really no big secrets to this problem, nor any ‘package fixes’ that will work for everyone. Everyone has different interests and things that they like and dislike. But there are standard aspects of ‘being single’ that can be viewed as universal and if the attitude is right, they can be made enjoyable. One, is that you are much freer to socialize and meet people of both sexes when you’re single or, if you are more of a loner like myself, you’re much freer to explore your own interests privately. When you’re in a relationship (if you consider the other person), you can’t just get up in the morning and do whatever you wish to do, like you can if you’re single (with some moderation, of course). I’ve made some excellent progress in my personal interests in my last few years of being single and it has filled in the time quite nicely. If you’re stuck in a single life that you would maybe rather not be in, you can let it ‘eat at you’ or you can find parts about it that are pleasant. You can make use of your time for more personal or more social things and soon it really becomes not that bad at all.
Attitude. You don’t have to wear an “I’m Single and Love It!!” t-shirt, but you can accept what is, learn to find your own ways to find pleasure in it, knowing that it may be the way it is now, but won’t be that way forever. And then maybe, when you meet someone that you might like to be “unsingle” with, you’ll have something to say to them that they might like to hear.
cdn guy | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/9/2008 9:52:42 PM | cnd, once again, an excellent post. Attitude is everything, and does not just relate to being single.
Being positive with any situation you come upon is a good thing.
At the present moment, I can't think of a positive thing about the pain in my back!!  | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/10/2008 3:01:34 AM |
At the present moment, I can't think of a positive thing about the pain in my back!!
Then Ageless, just kick him to the curb.
I always love your posts and your sense of humor. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/11/2008 4:56:22 AM | We are all missing the point here...ITS EASY TO BE SINGLE..
Being a couple takes work, dedication, honesty, good communication, nurturing, respect, lots of understanding and loving.
Gary my friend, you are so correct in your wise verbage explaining the difficulty you have eperienced being single after being a longtime couple.
Men our age had great father figures..although dad was the head of the family we all knew mom was boss..:)
We were conditioned by example to grow up, marry and raise kids. You better eat all on your plate of mom would tweak your ear or you couldn't leave the table.
With this said, look inside Gary..is the need you feel yours truly or one that was instilled in our youth by family upbringing.
I think mine was by example, parents 50+ yrs married and the aunts and uncles 50-60+ yrs married. We always saw them together and knew they were a couple, partners as it were..In this day..the ME generation and the medis lost family values totally with the premise we must do our own thing, please ourselves, not need anyone in our lives unless it benefits me...what the hell happened to staying together through thick and thin? sickness and health? Dicorce is way too easy and most have communication issues that if opened would solve most problems..
Sorry to be so windy this am but I read all the replys and find some great answers.
We all want you to heal inside and do what makes Gary happy.
good luck my friend,
dusty | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/11/2008 7:34:46 AM | AS YOU THINK SO SHALL YOU BE I find I have to look at the parts of my life that Are working, and focus on those...think about what I Have, not what I don't. any time I Dwell on the negative, the negative expands, and dwelling on the positive, really does bring miracles into my life --having a 'gratitude attitude' isnt just a cute thing to say, my attitude creates first my thoughts, then my feelings, then my actions, which bring me whatever my attitude dictates.
"If you dont like something, change it. If you cant change it, change the way you think about it"
ok, sorry for the philosophical Outburst. *she steps down off of the soapbox*
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/11/2008 9:58:46 AM | Kriashun,
"We can't change what we do until we change what we know."
This is the truest statement I've ever heard.. Communication and education is the key to success in life.
dusty : | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/11/2008 5:45:33 PM | Hi Gary,
I understand what you're saying. It's not that you're not happy with who you are and all the gifts in your life, there's the icing on the cake that is missing. I think this is especially true with long term marriages. For a while we had it all with our spouses and children and then slowly things started to change. It took me a long time to accept this. Finally, I realized that the pain in staying in the relationship was more than the fear of leaving and all that it entails.
I have wonderful children, grandchildren, and a great career, but around this time of night I get a little sad and lonely. I believe in marriage and really do not want to spend the rest of my life as a single person, but for the most part I am content.
Chris | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/11/2008 8:16:36 PM | | gary and to everyone having a tough time being alone. i was married to a wonerful man who died in a car wreck. we were and still are soulmates! 6 1/2 great years together :) he has been gone alomost 10 months and i find my life so hard. the nights are so lonely. and i don't mean for the sex part. for the talking and the cuddling parts.i am only on here to see what men are looking for in a women. werid? maybe... i have to tell you all i was also married 22 years to a good man but we drifted apart and now we are friends. i am so hoping to one day find away to be alone and be some what happy... i have 3 wonderful kids all adults. a 1 year old grandson, a grandson due next month and i just found out my son and his wife are expecting in feb. i have so much to live for. if anyone on here can tell me where to start off on my own and feel a peace about finding me , i would love to hear from you. i am not seeking a man in my life at this time and i really don't think a man can take my heart. i have had quiet afew nuts on this site try...lol | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/12/2008 2:42:52 AM | I think the majority of us think the same way, we are content being single but it would be wonderful to think that at the end of the day, there was one person who was ours alone..someone who gave a flip about us. Most of us have friends and family but there is something about having someone we love say 'come here baby, it will be alright'........   | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/12/2008 4:07:21 PM | Exactly desert,
Even though we have so much in our lives - that king size bed is so big! | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/12/2008 9:50:49 PM | | I am only a little thing, but my queen size bed is my sanctuary. Just perfect for little old me. I don't need snoring, tossing etc. thank you. | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:36:24 PM |
We are all missing the point here...ITS EASY TO BE SINGLE..
Being a couple takes work, dedication, honesty, good communication, nurturing, respect, lots of understanding and loving.
..Being a survivor of two failed relationships, I can honestly say that being single is a whole lot easier....especially if your the only one trying to make it work....its a downhill battle.
...maeflowers
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/12/2008 11:22:36 PM | If you really want to learn how to be single ... go back to school -- seriously. Enrol in one of the first-year Humanities-type courses in your local University, like Sociology or Art History and if that doesn't teach you how to be single, nothing will. It will cost a few bucks, but if you take it through the adult education area of campus or enrol in a night course, you'll be with many of your own age and get enrapt in the 'single life' quite quickly. I went back once, a long time ago, married, and came out single. I went back a second time, a number of years later, single (thought I had it figgered out by then) and came out married. If anything, it's apt to put a few changes in your life. Oh ... and if you attend a class or two and read a bit, you might even learn something, too.
Just a thought ...
cdn guy | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:16:18 AM | To Kriashun (Msg# 107):
I hope I didn’t suggest in my original post that I sit around all of the time dwelling on the negative or pining away while life passes me by. That simply isn’t the case. Like I said, I am uncomfortable but the 1st 20 yrs of my marriage were wonderful so there is very little negative to dwell on & that is what typically comes to mind, not the difficulties I had to endure over the last 10 yrs of my marriage. It was the joy that those first 20 yrs delivered that motivates me to be in a relationship again.
I agree with you that you must 1st create the mental image & then take the appropriate actions to achieve what your mind has created. The only problem is that image is of someone special in my life & the proactive steps I’ve taken in dating have so far not yielded much success. My post both served as a away to talk about it & solicit the advice/suggestions from others who have similar challenges.
Your quote … "If you don’t like something, change it, if you cant change it - change the way you think about it" ... reminds me of the Serenity Prayer …
God, grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.
And please there is no need to apologize for the philosophical outburst (as you called it) … I found your advice to be both refreshing & insightful!
Thanks,
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/14/2008 7:09:13 AM | Gary, I have a different opinion about psychologists assisting individuals to "fix" their lives – they cannot, even if they make you believe so (for [u] their [/u] paychecks and own professional existence). Just because nobody is perfect, this is reason enough for me to understand that, only I am in charge and can do best with my own catharsis and before all, my own life.
Being single is a depressing tragedy? Lord, where did you get this from??? If you believe this, guess what, that is what your brains will process and effectively put into action into your life… So try to reprogram yourself and be the command in chief of your brains. We are designers of our destiny. We really do.
Being single is not pain if you love yourself first. Acknowledging and knowing who you are; where you are at and what goals you do want to achieve; these are enough questions to play with and to reprogram your thinking in a loving way to yourself, and time will flow smoothly and naturally.
Love is understanding who you are, brainstorming your likes and dislikes, and last but not least, accepting (enjoying too) being imperfect, meaning, don’t expect to please everyone’s wishes, it’s first yours that matters, otherwise, you would be living someone’s else lives and not yours. You’ve got to know your life for yourself, your own shoes.
Just feel your element for yourself first, don’t listen to the standards. Know how to fit you in society without erasing your unique individual, DNA and character.
When you find your individual you will be able to understand that marriages are civil unions (for legal purposes) in that we only bring our individual parts in for a share, whatever the ratio or proportion, and be sure you can live with or without the significant other, and that is being a happy single or married one, basically, just a happy individual who knows their time and space where they’re at.
Enjoy your kids, organize your time that way you have plenty time for yourself and, if then, the significant other in your life, and no regrets, the past has past for a reason and season, for you to learn and grow. Move on, forge forward, enjoy the precious present and contemplate the short term future with zest, and you will be happy for yourself. Promise ya.
I am a happy individual and did want to share this with you. Life is a journey not a destination, enjoy the ride! Most of all enjoy the precious present!!!
Cheers!!!
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:36:54 AM | Stingray45:
You Wrote:
Gary, I have a different opinion about psychologists assisting individuals to "fix" their lives – they cannot. Even if they make you believe so for their paychecks & own professional existence. Just because nobody is perfect, this is reason enough for me to understand that, only I am in charge & can do best with my own catharsis &d before all, my own life.
My Response:
Of course psychologists earn a living & promote their profession but how is that any different than what anyone else does in any other profession. They are trained to help people with mild to severe psychological issues work through their problems in order to live a healthy, enjoyable existence. Yes each of us ultimately choose our own individual paths but sometimes we get lost along the way & we could use the help of someone trained to assist us. I respect your opinon but we will have to disagree on this one.
You Wrote:
Being single is a depressing tragedy? Lord, where did you get this from??? If you believe this, guess what, that is what your brains will process & effectively put into action into your life… So try to reprogram yourself & be the command in chief of your brains. We are designers of our destiny. We really do. Being single is not pain if you love yourself 1st. Acknowledging & knowing who you are; where you are at & what goals you do want to achieve; these are enough questions to play with & to reprogram your thinking in a loving way to yourself, & time will flow smoothly &d naturally.
My Response:
I had to go back & reread my original post because I couldn’t remember saying that being single is a depressing tragedy. As I thought … I never said that. What I did say was that after a 35 yr relationship, of which 25 yrs were very, very good … I now find it uncomfortable to be single. I don’t enjoy coming home to an empty house, going out to eat & requesting a table for 1 or going to the movies alone. I miss having someone special in my life to enjoy the good times with & endure the bad times with. I enjoy finding new & imaginative ways to say “I love you” every day. I miss knowing that no matter how difficult a day I may have …at the end of it I will get the chance to spend time with someone I care very much about. That is what I said.
As the designer of my destiny I choose to prefer being in a committed relationship over that of living a solitary existence. I strongly believe in the synergy that enables loving couples to experience contentment & joy that very few single people have ever experienced. I do acknowledge who I am, where I am & what my goals & desires are. I am a single guy who is looking for someone special to build a relationship with & I’m taking proactive steps in order to achieve that desire or goal. Proactive steps like communicating with others who are in similar situations to mine & hearing how they deal with their desires & goals.
I don’t think you solve problems by ignoring them. That’s why I recognized the issues I faced at the end of my marriage & enlisted the services of a psychologist to help me sort through them. It’s why I invested almost 2 yrs is dealing with those issues & getting to know & love myself.
You Wrote:
Love is understanding who you are, brainstorming your likes & dislikes, &d last but not least, accepting (enjoying too) being imperfect, meaning, don’t expect to please everyone’s wishes, it’s 1st yours that matters, otherwise, you would be living someone’s else lives & not yours. You’ve got to know your life for yourself, your own shoes. Just feel your element for yourself 1st, don’t listen to the standards. Know how to fit you in society without erasing your unique individual, DNA & character.
When you find your individual you will be able to understand that marriages are civil unions (for legal purposes) in that we only bring our individual parts in for a share, whatever the ratio or proportion, & be sure you can live with or without the significant other, & that is being a happy single or married 1, basically, just a happy individual who knows their time & space where they’re at.
My Response:
Love is also about sharing … sharing your life with another human being. The Bible tells us that marriage is not simply a contract but a covenant. The Bible also tells us that by God’s design the 2 most intimate & sacred relationships are salvation & marriage. The way you speak of marriage or relationships is in the same manner my attorney spoke of divorce when he was counseling me. He explained that the courts view divorce as nothing more than a financial agreement … means by which both parties leave the marriage with equal financial opportunities. Well, the courts may see divorce in that manner and you may see marriage as nothing more than a civil union but my topic is focused on relationships & I view a successful, long term relationship (whether it involves marriage or not) as something much more than that. I see it as the act of 2o human beings sharing one life.
You Wrote:
Enjoy your kids, organize your time that way you have plenty time for yourself &, if then, the significant other in your life, & no regrets, the past is past for a reason & season, for you to learn & grow. Move on, forge forward, enjoy the precious present & contemplate the short term future with zest, & you will be happy for yourself. Promise ya. I am a happy individual & did want to share this with you. Life is a journey not a destination, enjoy the ride! Most of all enjoy the precious present!!!
My Response:
You prompted me earlier to revisit my original posting to see if I might have misrepresented myself by calling being single a terrible tragedy as you suggested. Now I would ask you to visit my profile. Read it over & look at the photos. Then ask yourself if this is a person who is stuck in the past or wasting his life away unable to move on. I think it will be painfully clear to you that is not the case. I do enjoy life. My son, daughter & grandkids are the greatest blessings in my life.
Call me stubborn, misguided or stupid but I want more than that … I want someone special to share my life with & without it I have a feeling of restlessness & a lack of comfort that simply won’t leave me alone. So, if you don’t mind … I’ll continue to search even it it is at a more relaxed pace but forgive me for simply not accepting my single life & refusing to believe that there isn’t someone out there waiting for me.
By the way … I do appreciate your views & advice. It is very obvious that you have found the contentment & satisfaction in being single that so far as avoided me. This is not the 1st time that I’ve received the same advice from a friend or acquaintance. But sometimes I wonder when the person is trying so hard to convince me that I can be perfectly happy being single & living a solitary life if they are really trying to convice me or themselves.
Thanks again for your input!
Gary | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 8/27/2008 1:59:25 AM | Think Positive! The Bedroom Closet is All Yours!!!
Nobody opens your mail!
No need to call and say you won't be home for dinner!
If you win a trip for two, YOU get to choose who to take!
You can date someone new, and it's not cheating!
You have the final say on what movie to go see!
All messages on the telephone answering machine are for You!
No Crazy In-Laws to deal with!
You can go on a vacation where You want to go!
Taken from a book called "The Joy of NOT Being Married" | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 8/27/2008 5:18:00 AM | I don't keep up on forums like I should and this thread just caught my eye this morning. It took me a while to read all the posts (and I just skimmed through the majority of them). I have been alone now 4-1/2 years. When my ex first left, I thought it was great.....for about three weeks. Then the first family get together occurred and then the holidays came around and the reality of going to those alone were almost too much to bear. I had been alone two years when I joined POF and met a guy from Chicago. We had a great time on the phone, in emails, and he came to my town once. I had visions of some long term relationship but he kept his distance, telling me many times that I was a "newbie" in the divorce arena. That used to really tick me off....but now, as I pass the 4 year mark, I realize he was right. I am just now coming out of my fog and starting to see life as a single person. There are definite advantages of being single, all listed in previous posts, and there are definite disadvantages to it. Do I want to get married again? You Bet! Would I settle for just anybody in order to get a ring and not have to go the family functions by myself? Absolutely NOT! It takes time to work through all the stages. It has taken me quite a while (okay, a great while - four long years *haha*) to be okay with the fact that I may never marry and might just in fact be alone for the rest of my life. Maybe in the course of "learning how to be single", I'm a slow learner but it did happen. Thanks for letting me ramble 
Juli | |
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 8/27/2008 7:11:57 AM | I feel for you, Gary.
From the age of 15 up until your divorce, your entire adult life has been emotionally linked to another person.
Every meal, every trip to the grocery store, every decision of what to watch on tv together was made "by committee" and required interaction, perhaps some compromising.
Now, you get to do whatever you want, all the time.
The responsibility for all decisions now lands squarely on you, my friend.
It is a daunting responsibility, too.
But it is one you can grow into.
Don't like to vacation alone? Then don't! Read Steinbeck's "Travels with Charlie". Use the internet, search for pooch-friendly hotels and campsites, and go on vacation with your Keeshond.
Traveling alone can be great. You get to see everything you want, without compromise. Now is the perfect time to go where ever you have always wanted to go. Go diving on the Great Barrier Reef, (maybe not with the dog, though.) Drive through the National Parks of Utah. Go on a photographic safari to Namibia. Have an adventure!
Don't like eating alone? Then don't! Join a dining club. Or START a dining club. Invite friends you haven't seen in awhile to join you. Invite women for POF to join you.
Be creative.
My point here, (and I do have one,) is that the emotional intimacy you shared with your ex is gone, and you must come to terms with it. Some grieving is to be expected, but with time, it will subside.
New intimacy could and should develop with another SO, but you need to exercise patience, since you know by experience that these things take time to fully form.
DON'T RUSH!
In the meantime, you get to do whatever you want, ALL THE TIME.
Take advantage of the downtime. Use it to develop into a better, more well rounded you.
Gary 2.0.
Go get 'em, tiger.
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 8/27/2008 8:24:01 AM | I keep seeing the phrase "happy being alone" and while I think I know where ya'll are coming from, I don't think most of us can be happy being alone.
Humans are social creatures and we were not meant to be "alone". I think that deciding you are "happy being alone" is paramount to giving up. After a year and a half of separation, I just want to get comfortable in this new life before trying to move on.
So I guess how do people get comfortable being single? The same way we get comfortable in a new pair of shoes? Time??
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| Learning How To Be Single ...
Posted: 8/27/2008 12:05:32 PM | Man my experience mirrors yours in so many ways it's scary. But then, I reckon that's because it has become pretty common.
First, accept it. Hard to do. It takes a while to finally come to terms to your "new reality". Make that time as short as possible. Maybe you're there. Maybe not.
Secondly, be rationale about the benefits of being single. I bet if you're like most of us, you have a HELL of a lot more control over your time and your money than you did when you were married. Treat yourself. It's part of your new reality. Buy a bunch of guns, a boat, a fast car, a Harley kill a lot of birds and animals and eat them, get some fashion sense and learn how to dance, play with your new toys, enjoy your grand children, travel.
Being single SUCKS in many ways. But it is GREAT in a few ways, also, so EXPLOIT those ways to the max.
Thirdly, use your newfound resources of time and money to HELP OTHERS AND SERVE A HIGHER PURPOSE than yourself. I do a lot of work with my church, veterans organizations, a mission (homeless men and battered women's shelter).
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK there is NEED NEED NEED. Much of it in the eyes of little children. I GUARANTEE you if you work with a food bank, help ex-cons, help with a literacy program for kids, volunteer at Shriners events, YOU WON"T HAVE TIME TO FEEL BAD. Your service to God, or humanity, will fill that empty space in you and if you find another mate, she's FAR more likely to be "right".
Just sayin. | |
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