| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:36:16 AM | Hi CassaGo,
You know what? If it were me I would return his call. It never hurts to be polite, it will only build up good karma for you :) I think it's great that he's had self-reflection and has been able to recognize and correct his mistakes. Just because you call him back doesn't mean you have to start dating him again. I'm not sure why your threads get deleted. You seem like a very cool girl and I've always loved your posts! Take care | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:36:52 AM | | I see that a lot of the guys talk about being cruel for not allowing him closure. Shouldn't there be some sort of expiration date on that, though? I mean, if she hasn't talked to him since January, why would he feel the need for closure now? It's June. I agree that allowing closure would be the kind thing to do, but wouldn't it also be kind to leave well enough alone? I've had this sort of thing happen enough times in the past to wonder if every guy goes through this stage. It's one of the reasons I love the book (and the movie) High Fidelity so much. I've dated enough "Rob"s to guess where this phone call could go. CassaGo, it would be really nice of you to return the call. Do it at your convenience, though. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:37:21 AM | | I would return the call if I had no alternative means of contact, but think that if you can email him and keep that extra distance for your own peace of heart and mind then do that instead, I can understand it affecting you as it can open old wounds to hear their voice as it's much more personal, even emails from one old b/f in just the way he wrote had the power to remind me sharply of him. Do what you feel you have to but no more than that. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:39:47 AM |
To not allow this will show him that he was right in ending the relationship and you weren't the woman he thought you were
How do we know HE ended the relationship or what kind of women he thought the OP was?
Krys | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:41:15 AM | You don't have to do anything, as you know.
My guess is that you are thinking that the polite and kind thing to do would be to call and you don't want to because you aren't feeling like being polite or kind and it would be nice if someone gave you a good reason why you could choose not to call and feel okay about it.
Personally, I would rather that someone did not call me back, rather than call me begrudgingly out of some idea of a duty to politeness. Sometimes polite behaviour is too much of a lie, a lie that only leads to bad feeling. Where might your begrudging politeness lead in this case? Potentially, it might lead to raising his hopes only to dash them again, or regular contact as friends that you begrudge every single time...
It could be that he will gain a sense of closure from speaking with you -- but at least as likely is that just the opposite is true. Closure actually comes from within (although occasionally external events help). Contact doesn't in general help people to gain closure.
Manners or politeness, mainly involve considering the feelings of others, at root and there's no reason to believe that such a gesture will benefit anyone in any way, based on what you have shared. So is it even polite to call back? Not necessarily. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 9:53:19 AM | OP, if it were me, I would call him to say it's great he feels better about himself ... and that you wish him the best in the future.
That accomplishes two things: (1) you're a human who is able to care about another human, and (2) you're saying the relationship really IS over.
Should he call again, you'd be under no obligation to return his call. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:18:51 AM | Perhaps you should call him and state that you are glad he has overcome his problems and that you wish him well for the future.This hopefully will make him see that you have moved on with your life and maybe he will do the same.
Of course you dont have to return the call out of politeness but one swift call may well stop him hassling you in the future.
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I'm going with Kath111 answer as per your "options". If the guy was a creep, really screwed you (metaphorically), scares you, and/or has terrible phone etiquette (ie, won't answer the phone even if he is home, then gets drunk and calls you back at 1:00am, then don't call). ie, don't call if you really don't like the jerk...
But, if you two had something going, for a few months or longer, and you want him to have that closure.... you should also appreciate the fact you have'nt heard from him (too often) since January. As you know a lot of whack jobs like me will call and call pleading, begging etc. If he was a better man than that....Give him a call like Kath111 and I think a couple others said. And if he really has fixed his problems, and YOU REALLY HAD THE HOTS FOR HIM, (sounds like you didn't) then call him back for closure... or maybe "be friends" for a couple months while he 'proves it' and makes a good track record (I'm being honest, I broke up with someone a year ago, waited two months, we talked a little got back together, I improved a little, then we had sex, and I well dropped the balls) then theres an 8% chance of getting back together, according to my relationship software.
((((Sometimes polite behaviour... only leads to bad feeling... it might lead to raising his hopes only to dash them again)))
Like she said, make sure you are clear, polite, and don't leave him hanging with some "well maybe we can be friends" BS, that will make him call back. I know people use a lot of "vague cliches" when we wanna get rid of someone, and some people spit all their venom...don't do either. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:26:23 AM | You definitely know more about this, so it's your call. But I am with Message 4. She brings up a good point. He needs to know that it is OVER. If there is another means of communicating. IE: Email, TXT...
Or even, dare i say it. Regular mail.
If you don't want to actually talk to him, use another method. Letting him know that there is absolutely no chance, might just ensure that you won't be bothered by him again.
Good Luck... | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 10:55:02 AM | The last time I called an ex it was because she had possession of two of my mother's gumbo bowls (mother is deceased) and I wanted them back. She didn't call me back.
About two years later she called. She'd lost her purse. She was in Billings, Montana. A snow storm was brewing and she needed 500 bucks. I told her to go to Western Union and I'd wire her some money immediately. Of course I didn't. She called about an hour later. I didn't answer.
So call and immediately ask him the subject. If he does anything but in the very next breath give you the subject, hang up. If he gives you a subject that you do not care to discuss. Hang up.
But don't be presuming too much. You might end up stuck in Billings. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:18:46 AM | I would return the call and let him know that you appreciate his apology. If he is wanting to rekindle the realtionship and you aren't interested...just tell him so.
~Welder's Girl~ | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:21:35 AM | You do not have to do a thing you don't feel comfortable with. Evidently, the relationship wasn't great and he's an ex for a reason.
Don't go backwards, and keep looking forward. Unless you still care for him and want closure/get back together............Some times things are better left alone.
Best,
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:31:54 AM | There's nothing wrong with calling him back. Do so because you want to, though, not because you have to.
I'm sure that's why you started this thread... you want to call him -- possibly have your ego stroked knowing that he wants you back?
It's ok... indulge. Lord knows I have done the same thing. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:38:35 AM | | I generally go with what is polite because that is my nature. A quick acknowledgment of their call can close the communication loop and you can move on freely after an investment of, what, :30 seconds of your life. If it is going to open a can of worms I'll duck it. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:39:34 AM |
My ex just called [out of the blue--haven't seen him since January] and said he's very sorry about the way things ended, that he's "fixed" his problems, etc. He wants me to call, presumably for some closure or to start the relationship anew. It wasn't that great in the first place, for quite normal reasons--he's not a horrible guy, just a selfish one that I don't think is worth my time/effort.
Do I have to return the phone call to be polite?Yes; its the law; I think its also in the Bible; somewhere in the back. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 11:42:08 AM | | If he hasn't call in 6 months why worry about it. More than likely he had someone else in that time and he couldn't make it last .So he calls you on the rebound. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:10:03 PM | "I think I will call him and try to be as nice as possible about telling him I'm happy without him and have no intention of dating him again. But my stomach hurts thinking about it."
It's possible that I'm reading too much into this statement, but usually I would find this kind of thing to be an indicator that someone is not really over the other person. Are you worried that he will talk you into getting back with him and that he will not have really changed or are you worried that he will really just want closure?
If you really are over him, be polite and get it over with. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 12:45:36 PM | | why would he call out of the blue after 6 months? he's wanting something. I say, dont feed him. Call to be "polite"? I had an ex that would call wanting me to call him back, it was his way of trying to get back with me. He wanted it on his caller ID that I had called him. No, if it's over, its done. nothing good comes from digging in dead relationships. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 3:29:52 PM | No, you don’t have to return his phone call, but why not? You, yourself said he’s not a horrible guy, just a little selfish. We all make mistakes and being selfish is a very easy one…guilty of it myself. People change and maturity levels rise. Maybe he wants to apologize for being a *I’ll let you select your choice of words,lol* and possibly would like to see if its possible to rekindle the romance you once had. If he needs closure, then that’s showing that he’s maturing as well…Can you imagine the baggage he would bring to other relationships???? If you don’t call him, I assure it will stay on your mind….so do it..for the both of you. Never hinder an individual from progressing as a person. Hope I helped
~A~ | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 4:27:42 PM | | Casa - there are no rules to go by. If you don't feel comfortable calling this guy, then I wouldn't. Go with your gut, and I think you summed it up quite well "I don't think he's worth my time/effort". | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 6:55:26 PM | I agree with two other posters here. "Closure" is something we have to do for ourselves. No one else "owes" us "closure." The OP doesn't "owe" her ex "closure," especially after not talking to him for 6 months.
I also agree with this one, in fact it was my first thought when I read the OP:
More than likely he had someone else in that time and he couldn't make it last .So he calls you on the rebound. | |
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| do I have to return old BF's call?
Posted: 6/3/2008 7:01:46 PM |
Do I have to return the phone call to be polite?
I would return the phone call to inform him that I'm not interested. It should not take more than 15 seconds. | |
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