| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 11:46:37 AM | | if both parties agree to certain terms, having other sexual partners, relationships, and any other relationship isn't grounds for divorce. a lot of people have open marriages, and even more people are separated. as i said before, if everybody involved is being open and honest about the situation, there there is nothing wrong with it. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 2:34:54 PM | He is separated so he is not WITH the his "wife" just enjoy your time together and don't worry it its meant to be it will be. Do what makes you happy, its not your separation and not your marriage to worry about. Let him deal with it.
I have no hasitation in dating a married man IF thats what I want to do.  | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:19:40 PM | I met a great guy a month ago on here who has been legally separated for 18 months and living away from the family home for that time. He has two young children and working too many hours contributed to his separation.
I have had a lot of criticism from family and friends as he is not yet divorced. We are still at the 'friendship' stage and taking things slowly. He gives me no reason to doubt him as he and his wife had a lot of counselling and the marriage had been over for a couple of years before his wife asked him to move out.
There is still a part of me that makes me feel guilty. Is this wrong to continue a realatinship with a separated guy?
I guess I really MUST be old-fashioned.
My take on it is pretty much the same as my other posts on something like this . He is S E P A R A T E D. So what if he is legally separated?? He is still legally married and not really eligible to date. And he has been separated for for 18 months??? That in itself raises quite a few red flags in my mind.......
How long are you willing to wait until he:
a: Get his divorce finalized??? This could range from the "standard 6 months" or drag out for several years.
b: Takes time to be totally on his own and not date anyone, giving himself a chance to see what he really, and truly wants as an individual. Like the saying goes: Divorce gives one a chance to become single again. He needs the time to do that and get himself together.
c. Takes the time to parent his 2 young children. He needs to take the time to get them settled and help them deal with the fact that no amount of counseling and self/group help is going to get their parents back together under one roof and that they will be basically be "shuttled from one place to another" not really being able to call anything "home".
He says the marriage has been '"over" for the past 2 years. The thing is, it ain't over till it's over, and sometimes the residual issues still are there long after the final gavel swings in the court room.
You need to ask why do you feel guilty about dating him?? Although it is still within the "friends" stage????
Here is a list of possible answers:
1. Could it be because what you are doing is going against your core values system and the fact that you are in all reality "the other woman"?????
2. And could it also be because you are a '"rebound relationship" for him????
Only you can decide whether or not it is wrong to date a separated person.
Only you can decide whether or not you are willing to let him have his cake and eat it too. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:30:21 PM |
just as marriage, divorce is just a piece of paper.
It's obvious you have likely never been married. I used to think the same way as you, but there is SO much that comes with that piece of paper. My life completely changed after I got married. Who knew a piece of paper could do that?
OP, I have seen couples that have been separated for long periods of time to only get back together. If he has no filed for divorce yet, he's still emotionally invested in her, and you will be the one losing in the end. I have seen couples where one gets a new partner and it makes the other one realize how much they still love their spouse, and they end up back together. You're likely setting yourself up for heartbreak. Even if he doesn't go back, you're the rebound. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:34:42 PM | | If he makes you happy and you make him happy, forget what others think. Enjoy. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:36:45 PM |
If he has no filed for divorce yet, he's still emotionally invested in her
How could you possibly know this... or that if he is divorced he is not still emotionally invested anyway? | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:50:51 PM | | I've known of people who are separated but still live in the same house (but different bedrooms) for financial or other complicated reasons. This girl I knew dated a guy who was in this situation and she knew about it. This would make dating a person complicated as you couldn't really go to his house unless the separated (but still living at home Ex) didn't give a sh*t. Has any one else heard of this situation? | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:56:53 PM | | I have always been morally opposed to dating a separated man because I believe in the sanctity of marriage. However, I have broken my own rule twice and dated two men who were separated. Neither ended well. However, I know a few couples who started out dating when one or both were separated. And it worked out very well. Only you can decide if he's worth the risk. I feel deep down that most marriages can be saved with the right attitudes and the proper level of commitment. But counseling does not always help and most people just don't know how to save their own marriages. I think that if you do continue dating him, you may want to make sure he understands why his marriage failed and what his role was, so it doesn't happen again with you. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:57:42 PM | Well said wowsad, i couldnt agree more. I have been seperated for 7 years, Some people i have encountered have a real problem with this. i think if we were going to reconcile we would have done so before 7 years.
Does it take seven years to get a divorce in Canada?
I have dated separated women and the relationship never lasted long,mostly because of their relationship with their (ex)husband.Now I believe one should be divorced before dating and I won't date a separated woman .
I've known of people who are separated but still live in the same house (but different bedrooms) for financial or other complicated reasons. This girl I knew dated a guy who was in this situation and she knew about it. This would make dating a person complicated as you couldn't really go to his house unless the separated (but still living at home Ex) didn't give a sh*t. Has any one else heard of this situation?"
Yes someone in my family did that and they've been married now for thirty years,weird yes but it worked for them. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 4:59:44 PM | | i would never do so - but only because I wouldnt want to be the other woman or be the rebound one either | |
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| Dating a Separated
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:01:37 PM | its a stigma people are quick to judge
I have been dating someone who is getting a divorce , who has been living apart from him in separate countries with almost no contact and no interest in contact, she is single [well with me] but still has to finalise the divorce and is getting it as fast as is legal
the situation did bother me slightly at times as i have not been as serous with some one as recently as she had but i think i can see past the label, people have exes some times the exes are husbands
the only hang up i have is telling other people i think it will sound weird telling my Friends that my new girlfriend is married to someone and they will say where did you meet her the Internet? ...HaHaHa | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:04:27 PM | The cons all have a point..and all are good..
All I can do is share my own experience.. while I was separated I did date.. the reason why I did date was that I knew it was over.. for me the divorce occured a long time before my ex husband moved out of the house.. like years before.. we were basically roomates.. no fighting just roomates existing in our separate lives.
So I personally have no problem with dating a separated man as long as there is a divorce in the works.. and I apologize I didn't read all your post.. is there a divorce in progress?
BUT.. if there is a part of you that feels guilty and wrong then maybe you should not see one another till the divorce is final that way you will be following your conscience. I believe it is wise to never cross our conscience.. but we need to always listen to it.. it is our governor.. You don't know why you might be experiencing this trepidation.. but one thing I know for sure.. it is hard to give yourself to a friendship if you are uncomfortable about it in any way.
Call things off for a while till he gets this ended.
Someone else said another thing too that I think is good.. they said to never start a new relationship before finishing the old one. He needs to finish the old relationship.
Hmmm I think I just changed my mind... buahahah rofl | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:08:05 PM |
How could you possibly know this... or that if he is divorced he is not still emotionally invested anyway?
Because I'm psychic. 
Because it's been 18 months and no divorce has been filed. He isn't divorced so the last part is pointless to answer. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 5:47:44 PM |
He didn't have time for his wife and kids, you think your going to do any better? The problem isn't him being seperated, the problem is he has no time for anyone and you'll come in below the ex and kids.
move on, there are better men with more to offer
I have to agree with this, my H left me and moved in with the woman he had the affair with, because he is still legally married it was and is adultry.
He told me he wants a "carefree" life nothing serious "right now" so what makes her think he is going to change for her? He won't he is still out late drinking, she has to call him 4-5 times to see when he is coming home, he has 4 kids by two different women.
And if she thinks that he will be faithful to her and change she is wrong.
I'd say after 18 months he should get off his ass and file for divorce. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/4/2008 6:09:10 PM |
Does it take seven years to get a divorce in Canada?
As a matter of fact, no, it doesnt. My ex and i have both moved on. it takes more than a piece of paper to make a relationship. He has met a very nice lady and if he ever decides he wants to divorce me and marry her, i would wish them nothing but the best.
I dont consider myself married anymore and i highly doubt he does either.
We dont live in the same house,but he and his lady friend do come over for Christmas brunch, as him and i do have children together. It doesnt bother me in the least, our relationship was done years ago, getting a divorce isnt going to make it anymore over. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 5:25:16 AM |
............ if he ever decides he wants to divorce me and marry her, i would wish them nothing but the best.
I dont consider myself married anymore and i highly doubt he does either.
We dont live in the same house,but he and his lady friend do come over for Christmas brunch, as him and i do have children together. It doesnt bother me in the least, our relationship was done years ago, getting a divorce isnt going to make it anymore over.............
I guess I don't understand if you have been separated for a year or more, why you wouldn't just "cut the blanket" and get the divorce and set yourselves free.
yes, I understand many of you who are separated for years on end have kids, but you can still commuicate with your ex spouse with matters concerning them. - And be divorced and not married any longer.
This crap of being separated for years on end and living in different houses doesn't make sense to me. And neither does being divorced and still living within the same residence doesn't either. - Financial and other "complicated" reasons don't wash with me. Many of us who split from their spouses and SO's had to learn how to manage our lives and finances on our own.
It just goes to show how people just can't let each other go. Sure the excuse is "we live very separate lives" but in all reality, it goes to show how much emotional investment is there.
Many look at it the legal bindings of marriage and divorce as just a "piece of paper". I can assure you it is much more than that. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:44:52 PM |
I guess I don't understand if you have been separated for a year or more, why you wouldn't just "cut the blanket" and get the divorce and set yourselves free
The blanket has already been cut. We both set ourselves free long ago. That piece of paper saying we are divorced isnt going to make it anymore so. Although if i did meet someone who i was exclusivley commited to,and it was real important to them, i would get that piece of paper.
yes, I understand many of you who are separated for years on end have kids, but you can still commuicate with your ex spouse with matters concerning them. - And be divorced and not married any longer.
and you can communicate in the same way with them even though you are seperated
It just goes to show how people just can't let each other go. Sure the excuse is "we live very separate lives" but in all reality, it goes to show how much emotional investment is there.
Is having that paper going to make you any less emotionally invested, if you still are. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:51:08 PM | I began my current relationship with a 'seperated guy' and i am now rethinking it ....we went straight into 'couple mode' and i am thinking he is not appreciating me as much as if he had to go out and get into the 'dating scene'
also so many people tell me the same thing....REBOUND GIRL....blah.... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 5:47:46 PM | | No it is not wrong. But beware - I got caught in t at trap not once, but twice. I guess the saying "cheaper to keep her" came into play on one of them - and then the kids. We don;t like to see families seperated, and in the end, the family will be first. I think your family and friends are truly looking out for you - if you were my friend, I would say "proceed with caution". Not that he's a mean guy or anything like that, but the ink is not yet dry on the paperwork and a reconciliation could be in the wings. Just don;t get hurt, that's my advise. Good luck. ANd be the firend you are being... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:09:53 PM | So, he's not working s'much now? Is that it? Has time for dating......Hmmm. Ok.
I'm not going to even go into the married v. separated aspect.
There are MANY threads that address this topic and actually get into your question, OP. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:19:42 PM |
just as marriage, divorce is just a piece of paper. if he's separated emotionally and physically, then that's all there is to it. i wouldn't put too much weight in the signed contract, because its obviously null and void.
I don't really believe that. Even if you're divorced you'll always have some sort of connection to your former spouse; especially when there are kids involved. That said, you should both be forging your own seperate lives and keeping a reasonable physical and emotional distance from each other. And the more you get to know a 'separated' person, the better you'll be able to judge that distance.
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 6:25:34 PM | | I personally would not involve myself in this type of situation. Anyone can get a divorce these days in short order. I would be a little leery if I were you | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/5/2008 9:15:59 PM | | I have yet to see a situation where a person dating someone who was "separated" end in anything other than hurt and heartache... just sayin. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:42:50 AM | He has two young children and working too many hours contributed to his separation
Wow.....I would think not working ENOUGH hours to keep the roof over two children's heads would have pissed the woman off MORE......
And some of you women wonder why men call you UNGRATEFUL................ | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/6/2008 4:53:40 AM | | I think the only two opinions that should matter, are yours & his. I am one of the ones that see "divorced" as just a piece of paper. Some people can get legally divorced and still sleep together, i'm sure it happens. It's all about trust. Especially if a person does have to see their ex due to children. It isn't like you're "stealing him" as they are already over. | |
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