| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:00:23 AM | I don't mean to offend those of you who have chosen to stay married...but, could you please keep the rest of us out of your lives?
Woodstar - I second that!
LW | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:27:05 AM | | Wow there is alot of different angels to look at with this.....but as u said if your only friends, then I say what do u have to be guilty for? Unless you are wanting more, knowing inside ur falling for this person and not being totally honest with urself. I was in my separation for about a year and a half to two years....personally I didn't date anyone because yes I too felt that I was still married. I had friends though, ones that stood by me when I needed them most, ones that I don't think I would have made it thru my divorce without. So I think the real question is......are you just friends with this person....or is it more for u? Cause if thats the case and ur just not admitting it to yourself, well it could be disaster in the future. I feel if both parties are ok with being in a relationship when one is just separated go for it, although I couldn't do it during my separation. I know ppl now that are going thru a separation and we are friends, and I do not feel guilty one bit. I am there for him as a friend, to support him and have his back if he needs me. Thats I guess why I ask if its more for u then friends.....or maybe I am not sure of the definition of friends these days.....just be careful because u maybe setting yourself up for heartache. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 6:58:10 AM | Holy Canoli...
Do I have a thing or two to say about dating someone "separated!" Yepah.
Can we all say the word "TRANSITIONAL PERSON?"
I was recently seeing the most awesome guy from this site. His wife moved in with another guy last July, but because of their circumstances (they worked together out of THEIR home) he sees her daily. Never filed papers.
He decided to go ahead and file, and that's when the s*it hit the fan. I started getting 3 a.m. phone calls from HER (gee, she still had access to the house and the phone bills--whose stupid idea was THAT?!) and although I asked him point blank THREE TIMES if we should back away from each other until things gained momentum, he said, "No. I am not going to stop seeing you!"
Okay, this is someone I really like. No, I mean REALLY. I sent him his birthday gift last week and I received this voice mail on my cell: "This is (insert his name). I would APPRECIATE it if you would LEAVE ME ALONE! I TOLD you I was trying to work things out with my WIFE! I TOLD you it was OVER! I am refusing this package!" He called me from HER cell.
I'm going "WTF??!?!" as he never said these things to me. To say I was crushed would be putting it mildly. I understand the situation, but it doesn't make my hurt go away. Right now I don't think anything will.
So, my advice is to tell him to file the f-ing papers and get'er done. You are nothing more than his transitional person and he's getting his Kate and Edith too. If you're not divorced, you're MARRIED. Move on already. Game over.
Ya know...he told me this wife of his was bi-polar. I'm thinking he's a carrier.... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:05:25 AM | | End it. Your being used by a looser. A divorce takes 36 days from filing, max, I won't ask but he hasn't filed why should he, he as the best of both worlds, not paying his alimony while torking the both of you. Get out, don't you be the pony... . | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:17:29 AM | | I think it comes down to why is he not divorced? Dating a separated guy in and of itself is not a bad thing, but why is he not divorced? Unless he has to wait out some state required legnth of time before filing for divorce, I see a red flag. What is he waiting for? For her to take him back? | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:21:57 AM | MTHOMJMARK says: "Legally he is still married so in reality you are dating a married man. He was irresponsible in his relationship by being a workaholic and now he's irresponsible for not ending it.
And why do you think he's going to change all of a sudden. Another women changing a man. right."
RIGHT ON DA MONEY, HONEY!!! Ask yourself, is this what you want? Someone irresponsible? untrustworthy? self-centered? Non-commital to things of importance?
Does his ex know he's dating? Is he open with her about that? I don't mean to upset you, but for all you know all those hours he spends at work may actually be spent on other things beside his job! Perhaps he has one foot out the door, and the other foot still in his old house. And if that is the case, sounds like a boy, not a man. Don't settle!! | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 7:46:22 AM | | and.....once a divorce is processed, it still takes time for the ink to dry, and adjustment period. Personally, I want a guy to have gone through that time....to have processed in his mind what went wrong in his marriage, his part in it, and why. So that he can make a better choice for himself in the future. Sounds like your guy has not even entered that process, hasn't closed the door, hasn't even walked through that door. If that's the kind of guy you want, then there's no problem. But if you want a guy that is free to give his heart to you, doesn't sound like this guy's there yet. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:00:56 AM | | He can tell you whatever he wants. I would want hard proof that she isn't still in the picture. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:35:36 AM | First, the finlazation is different for different states, than it is for different countries. I would be concerned, however, that it has been 18 months
Come on. Why has it taken that long. He is asking you to bear the burden of this previous relationship.... and... is it really previous?
From the worldly stand point I would be weighing the aspects of why he is not divorced yet and how important you are to him.
The red flag I would be concerned about here is, can he live without being emotionally attached. If he cannot, you are looking at trouble. Eventually, he will do things that will force you to lose respect for him, and most ppl will not be with someone they do not respect
on the other hand...
If you profess to be a Christian, or a Christ follower, However... the rules are different
If you bring yourself under the rules of God, then, when is the marriage over. I would side on it aint over till its over. Read up on it and seek the guidance of your church leaders.
If he is separated and wants a divorce, then let im get it , then come back to you. In the mean time, read up on it and learn whet the Bible has to say about it.
If he is separated and does not want a divorce, run away from him. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:37:06 AM | | OP~ the reason you list for his separation doesn't have much of a ring of truth to it. There are probably other reasons besides his work schedule that caused the marriage to fail. Aside from that, every separation is different. In my case, my ex boyfriend was separated for quite awhile when I met him. His "wife" was pregnant & engaged to the guy she was living with. To make a long story short, she showed up to the last court hearing noticeably prego and the judge ordered a paternity test that further delayed the final decision. Less than a year after we met, the divorce was final. Then the custody battles began. My relationship with him lasted almost 3 years but it was tough. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:37:50 AM |
while marriage is a legally binding contract, it is NOT a contract of fidelity.
well, wowsad it's obvious you have never been married, much less in a committed relationship. I think wedding vows state that you will forsake all others until death parts you. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 10:46:16 AM | Are you feeling guilty because of what your family/friends are saying? If so, it should only matter to you as you are an adult and are capable of making your own decisions. Although I understand that your family/friends want what is best for you.
If you feel guilty then you should wait until his divorce is signed, sealed and delivered!
I've never been married and I'm not sure how the whole divorce procedure works, but I don't understand why people allow this whole separation to divorce thing linger for months and months. Makes no sense to me.
Best,
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 12:47:48 PM | | If his eventual goal is to get a Divorce, why would it be wrong? | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 2:52:24 PM | So many things come in to play. We're all looking from the outside in. We only hear one side and yet we think our answer is the right one. Kids, if she has, I have makes no difference kids come 1st . love kids. We all have had GF/BF all our lifes then we choose to stay with one for me its just a piece of paper. Yet if it bothered her so much I would have no problem saying "baby will wait tills its final". And only you know what kind of man he is. Just talk to him, tell him how you feel. And if starts to put if off, then you got something to think about.
I dont think we should judge any person by our past. I've never meet two women the same. Because one lied all the time does not mean the next one will. You have to just open your heart and go. Life is so short and man you could really miss something breathtakenlybeautiful. Its a word! lol | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 3:47:03 PM |
Is this wrong to continue a realatinship with a separated guy?
Mizzi, I didn't read all the way through the thread but thought I'd jump right in with my opinion.
I don't know what the laws are in the UK, but in Ontario you can be divorced after being separate and apart for 12 months. You say he is legally separated but has he filed for divorce? Is a divorce in the works? Are they still in counseling? Is a reconciliation possible?
It's not wrong to continue with a relationship with a separated guy if you are both on the same page. I'd want to be clear on what his goals are and where he is headed with things. He will have to do things in his own way and on his own time and you need to be okay with his plans. My guess is that there is some reason that he has not filed for divorce after this length of time.
I made the mistake once of getting involved with a guy who was separated but not yet divorced. I sold my house to move into his and just weeks prior to the closing date we split and he reconciled with his wife "for the sake of the children". I totally did not see it coming and found myself scrambling to find a place to live. In hindsight, I should not have made the leap when he had yet to file for divorce.
Ask questions and proceed with your eyes wide open. Follow your instinct and if it doesn't feel right to you, move on. Gook luck to you. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 4:42:35 PM | Ask yourself the following questions.....
How would you feel if it were YOU that was stopping him from giving his failing marriage and broken family with two small children, one more try?
If you were his wife, how would you feel if your husband was dating a woman that is interfering with them from trying to put the family back together?
If they have been separated for 18 months, then when did they plan to start the divorce? Do you really want to be involved with a man who is going to be on an emotional roller coaster for the next two years.
My advice and it is harsh.....
If you do decide to stick with this guy, then give the wife and children the respect they deserve. Do not involve yourself with his divorce because quite frankly it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS AT ALL. Meaning, do not discuss his personal issues regarding his wife, children, marital assets, child support, spousal support, custody/visitation or any issues regarding his marriage and divorce. Do not show up in court to support him. You are not supporting him and he does not need your support. You will be throwing a knife in the back of his wife and his children's mother. You will always be considered the other woman. Any mention of you or the site of you will cause more problems. Lastly, but by far the most important thing. Stay away from his children until that divorce is final. Everyone says they are putting the children first but he sure isn't now, is he? Oh, and one other thing, do not make contact with his wife. You really have no reason to discuss anything with her. REMEMBER, THIS IS NOT YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR YOUR FAMILY. YOU WERE NOT THERE WHEN THEY MARRIED AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE THERE DURING HIS DIVORCE. IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
I am very sorry I seem so harsh, but I did have to deal with my husbands girlfriend. She was my nightmare and made our heartbreaking divorce even worse. She did everything I told you that you shouldn't do. Remember, this is a very painful and hurtful time for the entire family. Don't make it worse for any of them.
If he loves you, he'll respect you for staying out of the picture.
Good luck and please do the right thing..... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/12/2008 8:14:39 PM | | "Almost divorced" is still married. He needs to finish up his business before he moves on. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/15/2008 11:44:39 AM | | i agree with you on this if you are seperated then you owe it to your self and otheres to stay single and just hangout with friends. you are still legally married thats means if you are out for more than just friends then you are cheating. my ex wife did that to me when we where seperated . i took my vows serious and stayed single till i was divorced . it just seemed to be the right thing to do. i had friends that were girls but never had a sexual relationship with any . i think if some one feels they need to date before they are divorced that they are just trying to fill a void in theyre lives and not giving them selves time to heal. it takes 4 yrs to get completely over a divorce its like a death in the family. thats what i learned from cousiling. i went because it was hard to deal with. this is my opinion on the matter of dating and seperation. you need time to heal and find yourself first. i lost relationships because i wouldnt date a seperated woman. was always waiting for them to get divorced first. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/17/2008 1:53:05 PM |
i took my vows serious and stayed single till i was divorced
Your a man with true moral and values. I did the same, my divorce was final before I even thought about going on a date. Took me several years to overcome the heartache and come out of my shell..... With him throwing his girlfriend in my face every time I turned around, it made our divorce a nightmare from hell... Wow, and the message he gave our children first hand that being unfaithful is perfectly acceptable behavior. How self-centered can one be..... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 6/17/2008 1:53:57 PM |
i took my vows serious and stayed single till i was divorced
Your a man with true moral and values. I did the same, my divorce was final before I even thought about going on a date. Took me several years to overcome the heartache and come out of my shell..... With him throwing his girlfriend in my face every time I turned around, it made our divorce a nightmare from hell... Wow, and the message he gave our children first hand that being unfaithful is perfectly acceptable behavior. How self-centered can one be..... | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 7/22/2008 9:46:43 PM | | I would not get involved with a seperated person. In the past, I've found them all to be players. I met one here recently that was loaded with bullshit. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 7/23/2008 1:25:55 AM | There is really no such thing as marriage anymore, I think if you love him and he loves you I'de go for it. do you like his kids? Does the mother want to be in the kids life? These are all questions you'll have to address @ sometime.   | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 7/23/2008 3:03:25 AM | | continue it as you're doing it now..at the 'friendship' level..and tell your friends and family to 'back off'. | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 7/23/2008 4:17:43 AM | It's wrong to get your hopes up high till this man has that woman out of his life. But as long as he has kids with her he never will .
Play your cards close to your vest. See other people and keep busy. If he is working as hard as he is now he may have to keep up that routine once the final settlement is made
Division of property , child support, parental visits and work is going to leave this man with very little time to explore another relationship | |
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| Dating a Separated Guy
Posted: 7/23/2008 3:49:00 PM | | Ultimately it's your call. If they have gone through the trouble of getting legally separated, it's most likely over... that being said, you are always risking your own heart in this situation. His kids will always be in his life... so will his ex-wife. Listen to your heart, but pay attention to your family... they want what is best for you, but it's your life. | |
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