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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:04:39 PM | Another perhaps unpopular view. I think Kalie has it pretty nearly right on. OP, you are a bit too insecure and insistant on labels. Two months is a short time for a relationship. You said he treats you well and is obviously attracted to you. You obviously have a relationship, though it may not be proceeding as quickly as you would like. All the guy said is he is not ready yet. You can talk to him and find out more but I'd be careful about pushing too hard so early on. You might just push him away. Of course there are no guarantees, but treating someone with love and consideration is much more likely to draw them to you than making demands.
My experiences parallel those of Kalie in a way. A while back, I met a woman I liked a lot. We became close and intimate very quickly but I was just out of a failed long term relationship and no where near ready for another. We dated for a couple of years but never announced we were bf /gf. I even drifted away from her for a few months dated others. However, in the end I came back and married her. So, do as you choose but it may just pay not to be too impatient. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:19:49 PM | I was in a similar relationship a while back, Whiskey Girl. I waited for 6 months and then decided I could not wait any longer so I ended it. It hurt too bad to hear the words "I love you but I am not in love with you." I guess it depends on how secure you are and how long you are willing to wait. If you do say something to him to force the issue, I would not back him into a corner. Tell him how much you enjoy his company and state what you are looking for in a relationship. Invite him to be this person, and ask (in a non-emotional way) if he can see himself being this person in your life. He may just step up to the plate. Or he may run. Either way, if you don't think you can wait several more months, then you have nothing to lose.
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 12:33:32 PM | I quote from the OP:
We did for like a week then he emailed me saying he doesnt feel for me the way I did for him and that we are better off friends.
I have to wonder why some of you are encouraging her to stick it out with this guy, when he has OBVIOUSLY made it clear he's not into her for the commitment.
Sheesh. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 1:41:49 PM | | Greyspot - I disagree. 2 months is not a short time to discuss titles. I'd want to know if the relationship was going anywhere, or if it was a waste of my time. I asked my boyfriend after two months of dating (or shortly there after) what I should call him, since all my friends and family were asking. He stammered for all of thirty seconds, and said, uh, boyfriend? (and I quote). Nearly a year later, we're still going strong, and I'm glad I summoned up the courage to ask or I may have lost out all together. WhiskeyGirl has a right to know. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 1:46:19 PM | | Sounds like he sees you as a friend with benefits which leaves him open to see others if he wants or at least to not make any kind of commitment to you...which after only 2 months is pretty sane I think. The question shouldn't be is he your boyfriend but rather is this how you like being treated, is this what you want from the relationship, are you happy with this situation? If you are just hanging on and getting hurt hoping he'll feel the way you do at some point, you are probably kidding yourself. Still 2 months, you hardly know the guy, what's the rush to become boyfriend/girlfriend? There's a fine ling here between being true to yourself and not settling and being needy and trying to force something that isn't there, at least not yet. If you enjoy his company, date him, but don't make it out to be anything more than dating, and if you don't like having casual sex while casually dating, then don't go there, if it's only friendly dating, don't do things you don't want to do. It's your choice, what do you really want and are you getting it? | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:10:26 PM | 2 months is too early to talk about boyfriend/girlfriend status but not too early to have sex??.wow, the guy reaps all the benefits!
IMO , he isnt t looking for a relationship--he is looking for "just sex". | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 2:58:35 PM |
The question shouldn't be is he your boyfriend but rather is this how you like being treated, is this what you want from the relationship, are you happy with this situation? If you are just hanging on and getting hurt hoping he'll feel the way you do at some point, you are probably kidding yourself.
Sage advice right here.
It's hard to get a good gauge as to what this relationship is really like, although the "I am the first girl he has even taken a liking too" is sending off warning bells for me. There is a chance that the topic creator moved too fast and scared him away from a commitment in the short term... or that he simply sees her as a friend with benefits, as many here have already stated. If it is the latter, and you are fine with that, then no problem. If you are being a 'FWBs', though, in hopes that it will change him to want a long term relationship in the end... I'd say you are setting yourself up for disappointment and prolonged heart break. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:24:45 PM | I guess I should have mentioned that there is no sex involved. He has never been in a relationship, nor even been close to a girl. I am his first for alot of things. I know this bcuz his best friend of 12 years is dating my best friend. He is a very closed in kinda person. He keeps to him self. He is a virgin. Shortly after I met him, we started getting close, I made the first move and kissed him, and that alone scared him off. So we talked about it and decided to take things slow. When people started saying we are dating, thats when I got the email from him.
A week later we went to a social together and talked about the email and everything else after the social. We decided to take things slow, and he said his feelings could grow within time. That was a month and a half ago. Like I said, we do everything couples do. And I know he is not seeing other girls or even talking to other girls bcuz he is to shy to even approach someone. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:26:01 PM | OP, had to look at your page to make sure u do not live right by me! Sounds so much of what my ex did to me!
If he does not want to be your boyfriend, it means he does not want to be exlusive, that's it. I would say, you are so pretty and you can find someone so much better then him! | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 3:41:05 PM |
So we talked about it and decided to take things slow. When people started saying we are dating, thats when I got the email from him.
Oh, okay. So it sounds like someone jumped the gun, possibly just your friends in this case, and it scared him. Nothing wrong with the girl being the more assertive one in a relationship, and in this case kudos to you for keeping up with it. You'll just have to be used to him being shy and possibly inexperienced in regards to how to deal with a relationship, and what sounds like some slight fears of commitment. So just take it slow, and best of luck to the both of you. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:02:16 PM | | Holy crap...... Is delusion contagious? It's NOT a relationship if he says he just wants to be friends. Just because you want it to be so doesn't mean it is going to happen. Seriously! Don't keep trying OP..Don't have that discussion with him. He wants to tap it with no strings! 2 months of FWB does not mean a relationship..it means you are letting yourself be used. OP (and other posters who are giving this girl kudos and other keep it up stupidity) you are only going to get hurt if you try and turn a booty call into a relationship. Get your mind out of the clouds and stop dreaming that you'll be Mrs. Booty Call someday. If there is really this many women who think like some of these posters...it's no wonder some guys expect to treat the rest of us like crap and get away with it. Grow a spine ladies. You can do it! | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/5/2008 11:19:38 PM | If you have to ask, then you aren't in a relationship of boyfriend-girlfriend.
Time is not a factor in determining if you are bf-gf.
If a guy is into you, you can tell. He'll want to get together every weekend for a date. He'll call you every day or even twice a day. You'll meet his family and friends. He starts getting exclusive. He'll tell you what he's doing if he can't get together because he doesn't want you to think he's dating other women.
He just told you he doesn't want to be "boy friend /girlfriend" so you better wake up.
Right now, you are just f**k buddies, like it or not. Perhaps this might lead to bf-gf, or it might not.
It's up to you depending how patient you are to see how things evolve.
If he's slow to commit...You might have to wait for Xmas and Valentine's Day, before you have any real evidence.
Don't rush into wanting a relationship....common mistake everyone makes. If you think two months is long enough without a commitment, then move on. He's either not the one or not the right one. Be brave, respect yourself first. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 1:01:48 AM | | When your friends ask you what your "status" is, just tell them he uses you for sex, and you let him, because its better than nothing. Please whatever happens DON'T GET PREGNANT. That's what I'd be worried about, given the strong foundation you two have. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 1:40:55 AM | I have a close story to this as in seeing a guy for months without the label of Girlfriend/ Boyfriend..... we did this by choice though. I know for me personally the only difference between seeing each other and dating was JUST the title. I did not treat him any differently, nor would I act any different then I would in a relationship but for me adding the title meant no more denying feelings. And I wasn't ready to let walls down yet and was content having a relationship with out labeling it. We have now decided to take it a step further and are dating and though nothing has changed but the title. But IF AT ANY POINT he would have said to me... I don't feel that way and we are better off as friends it would have set off the red lights to the seeing each other....and I would have walked away! Seeing someone is something people do until they come to a point where they know they want to be with that person or decide to move on and sounds like he is ready to move on and see other people.
I AM THE FIRST GIRL HE HAS EVEN TAKEN A LIKING TOO...... who are we kiddin, is he still in grade school??? That sounds like a line and a half if I ever heard one. I wish you the best in whatever you decide but my advice.... walk on eggshells! | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 2:39:08 AM | | No he's not your boyfriend, he made that clear. lilangel has some great points as does many others. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 5:32:23 AM | | you dont need advice from us. you already got it from him. he dont want a serious one on one relationship with you for whatever his reason. He just wants to play with your body with no strings attached. he made that clear. and if u allow him to continue to do so then u cant really complain. when he told you he didnt want to be one on one you should have ended all sexual acts at that very moment. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 7:53:35 AM | Obviously none of you read my reply! THERE IS NO SEX HERE!!!! He is a VIRGIN!!!! So your theories on him just wanted to be FWB is just an assumption there is sex involved.
We do talk every day, I have met his friends and family, He invites me out all the time with him. In public he is really hands on I guess you could say. He always either has his arm around me or holding my hand. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:03:01 AM | Exactly what do you want? It doesn't do you any good asking for advice here if you refuse to look at your own motivation.
Are you content with this arrangement or do you want more? If you do, then you had better put it on the line with him. And suppose you do scare him off? Well he wasn't willing to give you what you wanted, so you'll then have the opportunity to look for someone who will.
Remember life is short!
The Eagle | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:26:14 AM | OP:
I guess I should have mentioned that there is no sex involved. He has never been in a relationship, nor even been close to a girl. I am his first for alot of things. I know this bcuz his best friend of 12 years is dating my best friend. He is a very closed in kinda person. He keeps to him self. He is a virgin. Shortly after I met him, we started getting close, I made the first move and kissed him, and that alone scared him off. So we talked about it and decided to take things slow.
Sounds like the guy's just a little on the shy side, wanting to take things one step at a time, and not rush into anything too quickly. If you want things to progress a little quicker, the two of you may not be fully compatible. If you don't mind a slower pace, then relax, and enjoy spending time with him and getting to know him. He may be a great guy under that initial shyness/anxiety. Don't worry about the 'title' of your relationship. If you enjoy the time spent with him, go with the flow. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 8:27:12 AM | Okay I did not read your profile so I don't know how old you are, but I can tell you that I am 41 so I don't know if boyfriend/girlfriend applies after a certain age! I don't think the title is what you are stuck on anyway, it is the status of the relationship. I can offer only what I have learned from a similar situation.
Let it ride for a while. Enjoy the time with him but not at the expense of your self-respect. You must continue to see others also, and after a while if he isn't attempting to take it to the next level, then do what you've got to do girl.
As far as introducing him......there doesn't need to be a title. Simply introduce him by his name, most people will see how you interact and make a natural assumption. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:23:14 AM | | he has already told you he dont wnat you. stop chasing him. sex or no sex doesnt matter. quit chasing someone that dont want you. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 9:28:32 AM | | who cares about a freckin' title?? if you like the dude..hang-out..why screw up a good thing?/ You both are getting something out of it...its only been 2 months...i wouldnt pressure him..hang on to what u got..unless something better comes along.. | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:15:56 AM | OK.... I have read your three posts and with the new info i would adjust my opinion a bit. But i would have a couple of questions. Is this like a little kiss we are talking about or some full on making out? If it is a small amount of affection, i would think this is more something that is platonic. In your first post you said he didn't have the feelings for you and wanted to just remain friends.... that is breaking up in my eyes, and remaining friends. At 22.... guy friends sleeping over as just friends is not uncommon, we are not teenagers, and there is nothing that says only girls can spend the night, right. I also have guy friends that will put their arm around me in public and be touchy... same with girls... not in a sexual way, but friendship. Does he flirt with you in a sexual way when out... putting his arm around you and touching your hips or backside, or is it always over the shoulders? Do you guys hold hands at the movie theatre?
If he said he just wanted to be friends and then said he wanted to take things slow, i would assume he wants a friendship with me right now and see if anything comes of it. Did he say just that he wanted to take things slow, or that he is nervous, afraid to loose your friendship, not ready for a relationship at this time? If he didn't say much, i would have asked him ( you guys are friends and alredy have a bond right?), or i would ask him, out of curiousity.... not to back him in a corner. If he is your friend, and has been for quite some time (?) than i wouldn't be so worried.... enjoy his friendship right now, but don't put yourself on hold for a friend. I notice in your profile you are listed as not single.... unless you guys are in a relationship ... other than friends.... and taking it slow, don't sit around and think that he will change his mind. Let him know that. You will just end up with your heart broken, and if you can't see past that, you could lose the friendship of what seems to you like a great person.
At 22 being so closed in or shy.... whatever words you would like to use.... could mean lots of things.... maybe that is just him, but maybe he has some issues with past or childhood... abuse etc, maybe he is gay?.... maybe he is just unsure. If he was confindent in his choices up until this age i wouldn't mention anything, but the way you have described him just makes me wonder. No offense. All you can do is talk to him... our advice means nothing really except put ideas in your head. Talk to him as a friend and see what happens....
Good luck | |
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| Boyfriend or Not?
Posted: 6/6/2008 10:18:42 AM | | It's obvious, he is using you until he finds someone else. | |
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