| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/10/2008 9:00:45 AM | How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Id ask on a first date...beforehand if it was on here.
Here's the thing...apparently the average broken heart takes approx. 3 years to heal.
Lets just assume you're a good healer...and give it a year tops.
If you're out dating within that year or 3 months out...my opinion is...either
a) you're kidding yourself
b) you stayed atleast 9 months too long in a relationship when you shouldnt have.
Therefore...you were sleeping with someone for convenience cos you were too gutless to "get out"
Not everyone will think like this obviously...but thats the way I call it.
That kinda behavior shows lack of integrity and apathy when people do shit like that cos you dont stay in relationships till YOU are ready to go simply cos it works for you...and then spring it on someone else. JMHO
^^Thats why people end up hating each other when relationships break up...cos people do reallllllly crappy shit like that to someone they supposedly cared about at some point.
And btw...its also WHY there are soooo many rebound relationships that are doomed from the start...because people *think* they're over things and they are NOT.
None of this is real difficult to figure out. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/10/2008 1:34:25 PM |
Here's the thing...apparently the average broken heart takes approx. 3 years to heal.
If you start with a false premise your conclusion is guaranteed to be wrong. Different people have different needs to get over someone. Also any given individual will recover at different rates depending on who they broke up with. For example someone who meant a lot to you will be harder to get over than someone who was just FWB. Also being dumped is harder on the ego than being the one who leaves.
There are a couple of women I will never forget (even though getting back together is out of the question for various reasons) and there have been cases where breaking up was a relief.
In summary, how long I've been single tells you nothing! (But feel free to ask.) Just remember, jumping to conclusions is easy, but the landings can be hard. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/10/2008 3:26:37 PM | If you start with a false premise your conclusion is guaranteed to be wrong.
For example someone who meant a lot to you will be harder to get over than someone who was just FWB. Also being dumped is harder on the ego than being the one who leaves.
Yeah except its not false, its a realistic if not generous figure should anyone care to do their research and I was talking about a broken heart.
FWB doesnt involve a broken heart or shouldnt if someone isnt a fool which means I wont want them either.
Being dumped meh...again...doesnt assume a broken heart.
I've been single tells you nothing! (But feel free to ask.) Just remember, jumping to conclusions is easy, but the landings can be hard.
How long a person is single tells me everything I need to know.
Its a fairly good indicator of your intellectual & emotional maturity and whether or not you're likely to break MY heart.
Whether my decision based on the information I get is wrong or not, and considering soooo many people have absolutely nfi when they're "ready" until they actually get involved with someone else....my responsibility is to *me* and the emotional investment I choose to put into another person. And if you give me reason to not have faith in you. I wont. Simple. Thats your problem, not mine.
The landings? Im trying to figure out how exactly me not wanting to get involved with someone is any "hard landing" for me. Infact its quite the contrary people will pass you up (generically speaking).
There's millions of people in the world who ARE ready for a relationship...I dont need to waste my time or take a chance on somebody who's not.
I'll just Next the guy and so what? The problem is solved as far as me having to bother with "you"... and there's "your" hard landing. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/10/2008 4:06:36 PM | ~Kyn~ said:
How long a person is single tells me everything I need to know. Message number 5 in this thread points out different personality types and how long it takes them to get over relationships.
Someone mentioned the factor of being cheated on and I think rebound periods can go by more quickly when that happens. Easier to get over someone who disrespected you  ; harder to get over someone who broke up respectfully but didn't give clear reasons (i.e., leaves you heartbroken and wondering  ).
I once asked a counselor about rebounds and how much time is necessary. She told me "it depends" - but she said you can know if you're over someone based on how much time you spend thinking of that person or whether you fantasize about getting back together.
The more I read people's responses in this thread, the more I realize that a people's actions are more important than any answers to questions about how long they've been single. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/10/2008 4:29:31 PM | Message number 5 in this thread points out different personality types and how long it takes them to get over relationships.
I had a look at that...seems contradictory. And is also only a guide.
Doesnt take into account a person's history or environment. I hold little creedence in its validity.
ESTJ
eg.
Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Able to move on after a relationship breaks up
Someone with a penchance for serious lifetime commitment...just up and moves on? nah...sorry, illogical.
And again...ISFJ
Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
Have difficulty moving on after the end of a relationship
Two people who yearn for the same thing but behave differently at the outcome?...nup.
Im an INTJ/ENTJ
Able to leave relationships without looking back
Able to leave a relationship which should be ended, although they may dwell on it in their minds for awhile afterwards
If I care, I look back, if I dont, then I dont. Thats logical too.
Its about whether or not my heart is broken.
Funny too...if you do a little research on how long it takes for people to "mend"...there's nothing about Jung-Myers-Briggs personality types in there.
Maybe better questions to ask would be the following:
When the phone rings and you haven't seen the CallerID yet, is there hope it's your ex phoning to say s/he wants to get back together?
How many minutes/week do you spend thinking of your ex?
These questions WOULD be more logical to ask^^^...however ...its a no brainer they arent going to be...which means ...surprise!!....whaddaya know?
People ask this instead >>>> How long have you been single?
Tells them everything they need to know...without having to sit there and fricken waste time analysing you. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/13/2008 8:10:12 PM | I never used to ask.. until last summer.
I met a guy who I really liked. Then I found out he was fresh out of a 6 year relationship. At this point I already reallllly liked him but I was no match for the ex who may as well have been married to him. There's just no chance when things are so fresh and there's so many years to get over.
Now I ask everyone I meet, lol. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/13/2008 10:51:58 PM | ~OP~ I don't usually out and out ask via email as I think that is rather personal. If I'm comfortable with someone after a good length of time online, the phone is next and somewhere down the line, that conversation will happen naturally if all is flowing well. If the topic comes up, I don't want specifics, just a general idea. I don't want someone telling me the evils of their past relationship failures, however. Just a round-about time frame is good. I will admit, I'm pretty set about the one-year rule. If it's been less than a year ~ I'm probably not going to be very comfortable. But that's just me.  | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/14/2008 6:43:48 AM | I ask but usually if a guy has recently broken up or gotten divorced...they'll tell you without even asking.
Before the first date in person but not the first email...that's a bit intrusive to me. And the lady you're speaking of jumped to a conclusion she shouldn't have...did you ever date her after that? | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/14/2008 10:23:28 AM |
And the lady you're speaking of jumped to a conclusion she shouldn't have...did you ever date her after that? Haha... very observant remark and interesting question!  We remained friends for a while, but, no, I didn't date her. I could soon see she was not my type. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/14/2008 5:28:51 PM | | I often ask early on, especially in the case of divorce. I know that I am in a much different place now 4 years out from my divorce, than I was 2-3 months into it. Also many men ask me why I am still single, so I ask the same question in return. I know exactly why I am still single. People ask these questions like how long have you been single, how long were you in the last relationship, why are you still single, not to be rude but because it gives a basis to see the person's relationship past and to see where they are em0tionally. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/15/2008 5:15:48 PM | I see no problem with the question, as long as it isn't the only gauge used to figure out if the person is 'ready' to date. Some relationships are over long before they're ended, others drag on long after the papers have been signed. We all react differently, I think the OP's date was too quick to judge.
The questions my friends and I chuckle over are: do you meet people from online; have you ever had sex with anyone you've met online and how many times did you go out before you had sex.
It seems to be a new trend where the 'winner' of the date is the one who'll put out soonest. Seriously, you can hear them filling in their comparative spreadsheet as they talk to you. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/15/2008 6:15:17 PM | How long someone has been split with their ex has no revelence on if they are over it or not in my view. I was with someone 3 years on and off and I wasnt 'over' him for 4 years after and I took it all very hard due to how bad the relationship was. Still in tat time I dated and tried my hardest to move on and nothing worked I still loved and wanted my ex. I even moved with someone else trying to forget him and get myself out the cycle.
One of my mothers friends was with someone 25 years, split and met someone new within 3 months, remarried and has been with this guy now 12 years. Her relationship ended on ok terms and they just wanted different things. Yet I have a friend who has been with someone 5 years and split 6 months and is still devasted and another married for 10 years and split for 7 months and all guns blazing and more than ready for a new man and is delighted with the split she called time on. It all comes down to what the relationship was like, who ended it etc. These are questions you cant ask on first email and people dont always tell the truth anyway.
I feel its best to meet people, don rush in and see how the land lies and make judgements when you get to know people. Not someone saying I was with someone 6 years, I been split 2 months and you think wooah too soon when in fact she ended it cos she got bored and fell out of love and is genuinly looking for a relationship. its wrong to look to things in black in white and all people are different and never forget that! | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/16/2008 11:43:40 AM | | I think it's normal for either a man or woman to ask how long somebody has been single. I don't think it's fair for anyone to run away from somebody who is just coming out of a relationship because they have a fear of being the rebound person. If the relationship gets to a certain stage an intelligent person would ask more questions at the right time such as why things didn't work out, or what are they looking for. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/16/2008 4:49:21 PM | I don't think anyone needs to ask unless there's something that warrants it. Anyone that tells me without prompting, I'm going to have to wonder if they're trying to prove something.
I've been known to lie about it simply because I know the truth won't sound good. Yet in the general scheme of things I can rationalize such things pretty quickly.
Last time I was kind of heartbroken took about 6 weeks to rationalize and she could give me no reason as to why she broke up with me. Before you think anything....I know her well enough to know if she knew herself she would have said. It's not easy to work out the problem when the other person doesnt even know what it is. Thats applying some major brainpower to figuring out the whys. Some things you can find answers for within yourself, other things you have to accept there are no answers. Accepting is harder but mind over mind I bend my will to make it right. Took me about 6 weeks to figure out where we went wrong. I couldnt work for 2 days after the weekend of the initial impact tho. Couldnt think straight at all. My head was a complete mess.
Perhaps it helps that I rarely regret stuff.
You were who you were in that time, you make decisions with thought and without, you do the stuff you're programmed to do. Maybe you think back and say that was handled badly. All you're left with is the knowledge of mistakes that were made and why they were made. All it takes is a little bit of knowledge to allow future paths to be different paths.
Perhaps it helps I can compartmentalise stuff pretty well but not permanently. When you've thought all there is to think and there's nothing left to explore. Then's the time to stop thinking and stick it in the subconscious . let that take care of it. Pretty soon it's all sorted out. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/18/2008 4:44:07 PM | | Well, if it really matters that much to you, then you might as well as as soon as possible and get it over with. I generally find that there is a lot more to every story, so its kind of a meaningless question. You have to get to know them and you will find out soon enough where they are coming from in terms of their present attitude about everything. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/18/2008 7:11:03 PM | I think you should ask it whenever it becomes important to you. I care not at all how long someone's been single. Whether a person is ready to date again is an individual thing, not a matter of a certain period of time.
I've been single all my life (I mean unmarried) and have only lived with one man for a short time and that was recently. I feel that living together or marriage are commitments that are sacred and not to be taken lightly, but many man think there must be something wrong with a 35 year old woman who has not been married or shacked up.
Personal preference, I guess.
Nutt | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/19/2008 1:29:23 AM |
How long someone has been split with their ex has no revelence on if they are over it or not in my view.
THANK YOU! That was what I was getting at also. People who make arbitrary and inflexible rules, and just move to the NEXT guy based on a false premise are probably missing out on some great experiences. But as Trevaian wrote, "Intransigence is its own best defence." (Or the one about the horse and water...)
In fact, this whole thread bothers me greatly, because someone out there could be making decisions that affect me (e.g. deciding I'm not ready or fit to date) based on what she ASSUMES is my rebound period plus what she ASSUMES about the quality of that last relationship. In my mind this is not very different than dismissing someone based on their astrological sign. (Not to open another can of worms...)
The other bothersome thing is not letting things surface naturally. If someone is asking questions that carry a lot of weight in their mind, instead of taking things easy at such an early stage, I can predict this is someone who will be talking about having children or buying property on the second date. As someone said earlier, you can almost see the spreadsheets...
Anyway, from now on I am going to be very reluctant to answer questions from the next person I meet. | |
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| How soon do you ask your date how long he/she has been single?
Posted: 6/19/2008 8:42:28 AM | tango9876 said:
In fact, this whole thread bothers me greatly, because someone out there could be making decisions that affect me (e.g. deciding I'm not ready or fit to date) based on what she ASSUMES is my rebound period plus what she ASSUMES about the quality of that last relationship. In my mind this is not very different than dismissing someone based on their astrological sign. But, using that same logic, couldn't you say that it's a good thing she passes you up? I wouldn't want to date someone who makes brash assumptions about things based on generalizations.
I recently asked someone (very gently) how long she had been single. There was a bit of a defensive response, but she anticipated my intentions. The conversation went quite well and no harm was apparent. The more people I meet, the less I can generalize about what questions to ask (or answer!) on a first date/email. | |
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